The feeling of never fitting in/feeling left out

[Sunflower79]

Hi, friends.  This is something that I've struggled with virtually my entire life and wondered if you have too?  Despite the objective fact that I do have friends and people who love and care about me- I even have my own family who also clearly love me, there's this constant nagging feeling of always being on the outside of a group and never really fitting in. It's not as bad as it used to be and also not as bad with my little family as it is with friends and colleagues. I have a part of my brain that is reasonable and tries its best to logic the wounded part of me out of these feelings, but it never quite works all the way. It is such a sad and lonesome feeling that is kind of always with me.  I actually love being alone, doing things by myself, and even when invited out, I really have to work at it.  I'm guessing because subconsciously, I am trying to avoid that "being and outsider" feeling. Anyway, if you do feel like this, I do, too and you aren't alone in the feeling.  Big hugs to all of you.

Sunflower

[NarcKiddo]

Same here. Hugs back.

[Rebel13]

Yes, thanks for writing this! I am definitely familiar with this. I went to a gathering recently of people who are really lovely, whom I appreciate, and who clearly express their positive feelings for me. With my brain I could acknowledge all of those facts, but I felt like I was behind a plexiglass screen and none of it could touch me emotionally. Outside looking in was kind of literally my emotional experience. It's very sad but I'm working on it.

[Call Me Cordelia]

These are very familiar feelings to me as well. It was my reality during childhood, and it takes a lot to shake it off. It was deliberately cultivated in me at a very vulnerable age, where I had no other option but to go along with the narcissistic parents' narrative of me.

I think everyone feels insecure at times, but for us it's more of an experience of an emotional flashback when that happens. It feels like a confirmation of all those old messages, that black and white damned if you do damned if you don't. If I'm not the life of the party, see, you don't belong here told you so. If I AM the life of the party, well that can't last they'll see through you soon enough. Just going to a party at all can be enough to be triggering at times, because I'm living in a way contrary to my childhood scapegoat script. Sometimes I need to get good and angry and imagine my all time favorite gif before I head out the door and slay.  And then make myself laugh because it's silly. (Stella Got Her Groove Back, walking away from the burning car. I doubt I can put it here.)


Hahaha I'm a 40-year-old housewife whose circles are more PTA than the club scene but it works for me! Acknowledging, accepting, and validating the feelings, and then simultaneously making light of them because truly they do not get to run the show is the sweet spot for me.

[countrygirl]

Just wanted to say that I feel this, too.  Thank you for starting this discussion, Sunflower 79.

When I read Call Me Cordelia's post, I was particularly struck by the phrase "...the narcissistic parents' narrative of me."  i feel that to some extent I face this all too frequently, and although I have overcome it in some ways, definitely not in others. We are all trying to write out own stories, while struggling to overcome all sorts of narratives, from our parents, other people, society's narratives for us. it seems to me that one purpose of life is to have the courage to live your own story. Too bad that we had to hear our parents' story for us for so long. I certainly wish I never had to "hear" it again, but I guess that is impossible.   

[hhaw]

I feel like a know it all, when launching into my experience with shifting from feeling lost into feeling at home...having arrived to myself, at home, but here goes....

Started with good trauma informed therapist. Breathing deeply ...thinking "I'm home" on intake...."I've arrived" on out breath.
Locating the place in my body where I sensed my true self lived....focusing on it....familiarizing myself with her, remembering her.

And I have to keep doing it.... sometimes forgetting.

It's a journey....not a task I can do, and put away.

Everyone will find what works for them.  I share what made sense to me.....or worked....even when I couldn't understand the process, and sometimes it was scary and painful, but always lead to relief, and more resilience, IME.