Spiralling due to losing memories

[Happypants]

Hi.  I've gone through years of rumination, playing incidents, comments, digs, smears, infantilisation, etc, over in my head.  I am absolutely the family scapegoat and have been for over twenty years.  As a result of the ongoing toxic dynamics i gradually reduced contact to lowish (phone call once a week and visits probably averaging once a month) with my parents.  They never visit any more, partially, i believe, due to them picking up on my preference for lower contact and partially because health issues affect their ability to get out and about as easily.  My brother has recently been a little bit "off" with me, probably because of my lower contact with my parents and also them smearing me behind my back (based on previous experience).  He is the GC but a really decent person and doesn't act out the GC role if that makes any sense.  I was trying so hard to protect myself while keeping enough contact to be able to maintain a relationship with them all but ultimately it hasnt worked.

I now find myself in a pretty bad place questioning myself (i know that's part of the deal of being scapegoat).  The problem is that my health issues combined with perimenopause (and no doubt small "t" trauma) have conspired to mess with my memory big time and i'm really struggling to remember those incidents that reinforced to me my unsustainable role as the scapegoat, all the hurt that followed, and my subsequent actions in gaining some space.  All of this has gone unspoken between us all because my father has heart issues and broaching anything of this sort would stress him out.  My physical health was really suffering and internal boundaries alone weren't cutting it so i had to reduce contact.  But now i find myself completely adrift in all this and can't remember how or why i got here.  Has anyone else suddenly hit this state in complete contrast from being (mostly) sure of your position and that you're doing it all for the right reasons (staying safe but trying to minimise others' hurt)?  Has peri/menopause affected this journey for anyone else?  Thanks x

[bloomie]

Happypants - I am learning a lot lately about how to pay attention to the way that our experiences in our family of origin (FOO) are woven into the stories we tell ourselves - about everything. 

What I hear, as you share, is that the role assigned you to as family scape goat might possibly be profoundly interfering with your ability to see yourself and your past as it was as you look to building a compassionate, empathetic circle of support around yourself.

You do not have to return to a level of contact with those who do not/are not able to/choose not to support you in telling your 'story' more truly so that you can move forward in strength and healing.

I am being bold in asking this as something to consider, so please do not feel in any way obligated to answer, but is this questioning of yourself possibly self abandonment?

Abuse Amnesia is a real thing. Especially when we are caught up in rumination. We just want things to be better and more clear and a weariness can set in. Here is a helpful link describing this: https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/abuse-amnesia

I think you are on to something important related to perimenopause. More than anything, for me it was the season of life alongside of perimenopause when I began to face my own assigned role in my FOO and I definitely had times when I slid down the slippery slope of returning to a level of contact and that role that did not serve me well and only served to cause confusion and hurt to myself and others.

A couple of things that I have learned on my own journey that I hope help are to find healing by paying more attention to how I am loved - by myself, in my case I have a strong faith in a loving God, and the compassionate circle of people who I have slowly built around myself than to the inability of my parents to love me as I needed and deserved and as I loved them. That doesn't negate the pain of it all in any way, but it bolsters me and empowers me to rest and heal.

The other thing that I determined is that I hold as a core value to be consistent and authentic with others to the very best of my ability in fairness to them and myself. What I began to understand, in my own FOO relationships, is that holding a consistent position and level of contact with my FOO was what lovingkindness for myself and others looks like for me. I cannot be in close, intimate contact with my FOO and heal.

This is long... and what I love about this community is this journey you are on is YOURS and will look unique to you. I offer thoughts from my own path and they are to support you as you figure out what is best and right for you!

Let us know how you are doing!

[Happypants]

Bloomie - thank you very much for your compassionate response. My parents have been winding down on their efforts for a few years now and i'm exhausted trying to figure out whether it's because they'll need me for caring purposes (my father joked that THEY are now the dependents), less energy/motivation due to health issues, or whether there might have been some recognition of their part of what's gone on for years.  I'm not sure about the latter but it's been in my head a lot because i recognise MY part in it all.  Who knows, maybe they've just chilled out with age.

I believe you may be right with regard to self abandonment and abuse amnesia - to be honest i've become mentally and emotionally exhausted with questioning myself and i now just want peace.  I think peri has taken away any resilience that i had!

The other thing that I determined is that I hold as a core value to be consistent and authentic with others to the very best of my ability in fairness to them and myself. What I began to understand, in my own FOO relationships, is that holding a consistent position and level of contact with my FOO was what lovingkindness for myself and others looks like for me. I cannot be in close, intimate contact with my FOO and heal.

I think this ^^ is the crux for me - I think deep down i was expecting a feeling of resolution at having "achieved" an unquestioned and consistently lower level of contact that allowed me to maintain a feeling of safety (although i'm still a mess before and after interactions).  I think i need to accept that this is it, and that there's no feeling of resolution but just a manageable, shallow and feint connection with my family now. 

Thanks again for your insight, it's very much appreciated x