Advice/reassurance/help understanding

[Coco]

I am so in the fog right now and found this site whilst trying to make sense of my situation.
Background: I don't remember much of my childhood, my parents didn't get on and argued a lot but to the outside world this was hidden, they finally seperated when I was 13. I am 45 and have 2 adult sons and have found over the years that my mum isn't supportive in the way a mum/grandmother should be, she expects to have an idyllic life, but doesn't then make the effort for that, and will then cause an argument because someone else hasn't made the effort. She will continually moan that I do not call her, yet she never calls me, any grandmother support I asked for felt conditional so I stopped asking. She will often have strops if she doesn't like what has been said and recently contact has become less and less, I have often thought she has a PD, I just compare scenarios now I have children to how I would behave and it is most definitely not how she does.
My dad passed away in March and this is the time you hope a mum will step up. However that was not the case, we met one day not long after and I really didn't want to talk about it at that time, i felt this should be ok, however one of my dads friends called me and asked what had happened. So I did explain to him. After that day I heard nothing from my mum until about 4 weeks later when I text her to say when the funeral was, the response was 'can i have a lift' that was it.
I was hurt by the lack of care or compassion and said as much but she didn't reply, my sister contacted her a couple of weeks later and she was moody with me because on the day I saw her I didn't want to talk about my dads death, yet I did to someone on the phone, she also added that I had dismissed a suggestion of sending information about a charity that collects furniture. My view of that is I am grieving and the one person who should acknowledge that and understand that I may not want to talk about it should be my mum, and that I also didn't want to talk about it on the phone but I felt it rude not to, this chap was also processing the news of my dads death.
After that it was silence again, no contact on the day of the funeral.
I left the whatsapp group(mum, sister and I) after sharing my frustrations and trying to explain how she made me feel and how I would have communicated differently if I had been her.
Losing someone unexpectedly makes you realise if you want answers you need to ask now and I had questions about something that happened in my childhood so I arranged to see my mum to ask her, she didn't like me asking, claimed she couldn't remember and got stroppy.
On the same day my sister asked my mum to re add me to the whats app group as she is the admin.
This was end of May, since then I have heard nothing from her and not contacted her and have not been re added to the group.
Yesterday was my birthday and I wondered whether she would contact me, no message but she did leave me a card and small gift (shower gel) on the doorstep. Not sure if she rang the bell as I wasn't there. I followed up with a short thank you text, to which i have had no reply.
I almost wish she hadn't done it as that would then have been clear, but it almost feels like she had left something to be compliant, so I cannot say she didn't do anything for my birthday but yet there was no actual communication and so I am very confused at present and hoping someone here may be in or has been in a similar position and can help me make sense of it! Thanks

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Coco,
I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and the troubles with your mum. Her behaviour does sound like typical PD behaviour. She expects you to regulate her emotions while she has zero understanding for what you are going through. She treats you as an obligation, not as a person with whom she could have a close, warm relationship, and she is only interested in ticking the boxes for appearances (gift for daughter's birthday: tick ✔️). Sadly, you can't change who she is and you can't make her understand your perspective and act differently. But you can take some distance and stop trying to explain and justify yourself for imaginary slights she is making up. No matter how eloquently and convincingly you explain your side, she won't get it because she doesn't want to get it. She just wants you to yield.
It's not easy to accept and digest all that, and I am sorry you are going through this. But the sooner you fully realize the dynamic of your relationship (which you do, you have described it here in very clear terms), the sooner you will change how you relate to her - and this will feel empowering.
If you navigate the site, the suggestions for do's and don'Ts give you very good ideas about approaching the relationship with your mum in a strategic, informed way. They are great tools to have.
What were you thinking of doing going forward?

[Coco]

Hi, thank you for your response. If I'm honest, I don't feel like I want to repair what is broken, which fills me with guilt.
I will take a look at the tools.

[moglow]

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad and that this is all so disturbing for you - I don't believe that's how our lives should be. 

For what it's worth, you don't have to take on or keep that guilt. It's not yours. That's a whole lot of what others think you should do instead of what's actually needed. What happens if you give in to those shoulds? You're sucked dry. You'd have nothing left for the things that matter, the people who actively love and appreciate you. I'm not saying necessarily that your mother doesn't in her own way, but is that enough? I suspect not. 

As for repairing what's broken - try and remember that takes two. Always has. I've spent a long time trying to find and make some kind of peace with my mother being who she is. Mine's done little beyond occasional superficial attempts at "acting better." Nothing lasting, nothing meaningful, nearly always led to another disappointment. And she seems okay with that, so I learned to let her. 

I don't hold on to hope of change, and kept working at taking better care of myself. My care meant separating from her where I can see her for what she chose. So she's over there and I leave her be. It was a long time coming and -like eating an elephant - I took it one bite at a time. Let that digest, then took the next. I realized that contact with her was a slow poison. 

Wishing you all the peace you need. 🩷