Seeking Justice

[CalmVector]

Can a parent be charged for having dehumanized you by shunning and ostracising you for years throughout your developmental years, gaining sadistic pleasure seeing you struggle emotionally and start isolating more and more?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I've never considered this, truthfully. I've sent them a cease and desist letter and if my parents attempt to intrude into my life again I will not hesitate to go after them legally for the stalking and harassment and libel I've had from them after I went NC. I've fought very hard to get to where I am, which is a total separation from them. It cost me my relationships with my entire FOO, but I would do it again. My goal would be to make the trauma stop. Where I am right now, I've won all they can give to me, which is to be out of my life. And I had to threaten to destroy them as they were already attempting to destroy me. I hit my father where it hurts, in how other people viewed him. I exposed him to people he cared about having on his side in our conflict by sharing the cease and desist. He attempted to do the same to me, but he had only lies that were easily disproven. I protected myself and my children.

From a girl who was told that I would be hated by everyone for my entire life, I've built a loving family and I have friends who love me and whom I love. I have what I really wanted. The love of parents, which I still grieve, they could never give.

But everything else that led me to the point of No Contact? All the physical yes but primarily the emotional abuse? I don't know how one would go about seeking retribution for that. My sense about my parents is that if I attempted such a thing, they would go all out scorched earth and it would be so ugly. Already had plenty of dirty tactics in my life from them, and I do not want another go-round with that. My childhood was as you describe, with the ostracism and sadistic pleasure over my pain. I'd be going right back to the mud pit I'd escaped from. So many times I would look at my father and his smirk would be daring me to call him out on the injustice, gleeful at the thought of me trying to fight him. No thank you. There is nothing there for me. I'm sure that trying to get further justice would primarily get me just more trauma.

My parents are miserable. Always have been and likely always will be. This sounds like it could be a trauma bond thing but I don't think it is. I don't need retribution from them. And trying to get it would be something like kicking a man when he's down.

[xredshoesx]

when I was a minor I called CPS on my biological mother.  that was the closest thing to justice I almost got bc eventually they sent me back to her again....

I would also follow the stalking/harassment angle like @Call Me Cordelia said if my biological mother contacts me (30+ years NC)

[hhaw]

Guessing you can definitely sue, but ability to prove measurable harm, overcome statute of limitations and the parental immunity exceptions will determine outcome.

Short answer.....anyone can sue over anything in the US.

Good luck.  You deserved better parents than you had.

[Rebel13]

I agree with what others have said. My experiences have been similar.

I think better questions might be, would it be worth the time, money and energy to pursue "justice", versus using those resources on your own healing and to create the life you want for yourself? What would "justice" look like, and how likely are any of those outcomes? And if you got all of them, how would your life be different?

[CalmVector]

Thanks for the help everyone. Its due to the fact that it was extreme and sadistic emotionally and psychologically, that I wonder how can they just carry on, without consequences.

[hhaw]

Because the sky is blue, and the grass is green, CV. 

It's not personal, ime.  It's disordered people doing what they do .....bc that's all they can do. They're twisted, and broken, and can't do any better, or they would have.

I will say this.....if you have evidence of criminal acts....and the statute of limitations is still running.....consider filing criminal charges.

I know people typically don't abuse in public ... they're cowards, behind closed doors ....where no one can see.

That said, you have the choice to scrape them completely off, and build a good life with worthy people.  You'll teach people how to treat you, from now on.  You won't have to allow abuse, and trauma.

You can take care of yourself now, and I sincerely hope you do.

[CalmVector]

Thanks for the advice hhaw. It does help when you detach and realize it was not personal, and that they are disordered.

But it is another thing when it is a covert psychopathic mother and a covert malignant narcissist father that set out to destroy you at any cost, where your day to day is a battle to defeat their depraved ways of sabotaging you, through treating you as a non person.

How do you make sense, grieve and detach from that inhuman treatment as it truly seems like they wanted to get rid of me due to their envy?

[Call Me Cordelia]

But it is another thing when it is a covert psychopathic mother and a covert malignant narcissist father that set out to destroy you at any cost, where your day to day is a battle to defeat their depraved ways of sabotaging you, through treating you as a non person.

How do you make sense, grieve and detach from that inhuman treatment as it truly seems like they wanted to get rid of me due to their envy?

This was my experience also, CalmVector. The crazy ways of sabotaging me, setting me up to fail, making me look bad in front of my friends and peers and teaching me to invite bullying, coaching me to behave a certain way and then turning around and saying, "I don't know what's wrong with her," treating any thing good I did as merely what's expected and anything bad as the end of the world, telling me I'm full of myself when in fact I had no self-esteem, and on and on and on. And well I'm still recovering from it all.

Scapegoating is brutal. And yes, it's quite possible it was a mission to destroy you out of envy. Also my experience. I was not supposed to succeed in making my own life. And then I had the audacity to be more successful than my parents in many ways, and that's when the sabotage and seeking to destroy my reputation and relationships got really insane.

You outlined the plan: detach, grieve, and make sense. I think for most of us it happens in a haphazard way, not necessarily in that order. In the beginning it's more intense and survivors that had something of an epiphany about what happened to them might spend huge amounts of time on the making sense part of it, reading, watching videos, writing memories, etc. Detaching: for some of us, like me, it was a sudden NC because I just couldn't anymore. It was supposed to be a break from them but they got so psycho that it had to be permanent. Others have to be very patient in establishing boundaries and figuring out exactly what they can live with. And grieve? I honestly suspect that part never truly ends, although it too is quieter than it used to be. I've been NC with my parents for eight years and my life is very full. A good therapist helps a ton. This board. Basic self-care and physically working out all that emotional energy. Barre was great for me, and now strength training. Others like higher intensity like HIIT or Zumba.

Because you are winning. You're still here, despite the people who brought you into this world being who they are. It is good that you exist. You have a good life ahead of you!

[CalmVector]

Wow Call Me Cordelia, thank you so much for sharing. I am sorry you also went through this. That is amazing how you were able to succeed despite it.

I pray I also can get to that position as my parents used torture to keep me in check by shunning me extensively to try to break me entirely, and keep me like a dependent slave for their needs. It sucks because I had a lot of respect amongst peers growing up and still do as my personality never changed. I was always social and well liked. I just lost years alone and struggle to see me being able to restore relationships and such. I lost my teen years and 20s dealing with this craziness.

Its just hard to imagine that it can be restored feeling delayed developmentally.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I had a lot of respect amongst peers growing up and still do as my personality never changed. I was always social and well liked. I just lost years alone and struggle to see me being able to restore relationships and such. I lost my teen years and 20s dealing with this craziness.

It's just hard to imagine that it can be restored feeling delayed developmentally.

Becoming socially skilled and generally well liked as the family scapegoat is a rare gift. All the sabotage that got thrown at you still didn't succeed in taking that away! That's truly amazing. Please don't underestimate yourself. The skills that you used to establish those relationships in the first place can help you rebuild them, or seek out new relationships.

For me, I've lost every connection to my home town. And trust me, nobody's missing me at my high school reunion. I've created a life from scratch when I moved out and away at 18. I relate to feeling developmentally delayed, despite being successful socially by any sane measure. I do grieve not having lifelong friends, extended family, etc. that "normal" people take for granted and build on as a foundation. I think if you can have that, with people who can see you and love you for who you are even in that darker early part of your life story, that's an even greater gift and something to be cherished, but if like many scapegoat survivors you have to grieve those losses too, you are in good company. For me I to this day still get the jibblies if someone in my current life has any connection to my hometown even if they don't even know the people I knew. It invites another wave of grief and I'm working toward self-compassion there. Because that place really was that bad for me. There are people in my life now with whom I've been able to share some of young Cordelia's story, and they too are precious.

However I don't think either of us are developmentally delayed, we've suffered loss and that's a difference. Developmentally delayed would mean less than usually capable of establishing and maintaining relationships for your chronological age. You might feel "behind" if you would like to be getting married, have an established friend group, etc. but I don't think anything about you means those things are out of reach for you. Just that it might feel more than usually scary, and there are reasons that make sense, but you've shown you can when even less mature than presently. I hope that helps!

[CalmVector]

Just to address this again. What of it was so extreme like you truly believe they were trying to erase you completely. Nothing can be prosecuted if it was just psychological and emotional torture?