Slow Recovery/No Recovery?

[HotDay]

Hi all,

New to forums in general, was curious as to why my progress from healing has suddenly slowed. I got out of the relationship motivated and the first month was getting aha moments and the ability to identify the patterns clearly. Now I feel as though this progress has stopped, there seems to be an amnesia. The threat doesnt seem as important to me and im not able to clearly identify the patterns sometimes. This has made me worried about my healing progress, since understanding the psychopath is critical in knowing you were not at fault. Its almost as if things click with me but it doesnt click when i revisit it. for example; I really get that theres nothing wrong with who I was, I was made to believe that. Then the realisation dissapears and I feel stuck again. If anyone healed knows what im talking about I would love their advice, this is kind of making me feel hopeless.

Thanks for the read.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi, and welcome. Pretty universally healing from relationship trauma is not a process that progresses linearly until it's finished and you are pronounced healed. What you describe as moments of understanding that you grasp and then later can only do so as a vague memory of having understood sounds completely normal to me. This stuff goes deep in the psyche. Even if you can articulate things in your understanding, the truth may not yet be internalized such that you fully are living in that new place of freedom. It took time to create the brain pathways of "I'm not good enough" or whatever false belief, and it takes time and repetition in safety to undo them. It is a two steps forward one step back kind of deal. But you're in good company here!

Editing to add oh it's been a month out? I suggest checking out "abuse amnesia" on the website. When you get to being safe, one of the things our brain does to protect us is denial. Maybe that idea will resonate with you.

[HotDay]

Hi Cordelia,

Thanks for the welcome and information, I hope figuring out the abuse amnesia will give me respite. Ill check it out.

[Rebel13]

Hi HotDay, your experience sounds very much like mine in therapy over the past two years. There are very intense times, like you said, where insights come thick and fast. And then there are lulls, where it feels like nothing is happening, and I sometimes have trouble remembering what I learned during the last intense phase.

My experience has been, though, that stuff is happening under the surface during the lulls. I have started saying that things are "composting" during that time. Then, something happens or an old pattern gets activated and it's back to feeling stretched and even overwhelmed sometimes, while I try to learn more new ways of coping and responding. I think I am always building on what has gone before though. It's tough, but if you can, be grateful for the lulls! Think of it as the pause to breathe between the waves slapping you every which way. 

[1footouttadefog]

For me I had to look at healing in n part as a greiving process.

I had to greive, the years I spent, opportunities lost, sacrifices that were for naught and on and on.  I had to greive the false personage I fell in love with that was never actually there and yet I was always trying to get that person back to stay.

I also had to come to terms with the fact I helped create the false person. I did so my allowing boundaries to be cross, by overlooking flags and so on.  I also had needs desires and dreams I thought this false entity was a match for.   I had to come to terms with this and sort it out.  It helped me understand why I chose the relationship.  It helped to process that some aspects of the relationship were customized around me and to that extent it was fraudulent and a lie.

There is a lot to process while healing. It's a different mixed bag for each of us.  Know you are not alone, and that things can be better going forward. 

I will also mention that as I was coming Out of the FOG, I was like a hollowed out person who had not lived my own life and grown for decades.  I emerged as if having been on a crazy theme b park ride holding in for dear life.  I stopped off and the world had moved on.  I was older and did not know who I was at this age.  I had to set about figuring out who and where I was and what my goals and dreams were now at this new age and this new older me. 

I am glad I had the wisdom to know I did not need to pick up where I left off and that I could start fresh as the now decades older me and move forward with life and discovering my path.