Is it really all in my head?

[Tradescantia]

Hello, I am an adult daughter of a textbook narcissist father (recently deceased) and an elderly mother who has narcissistic and borderline tendencies.

I have built a beautiful life for myself on the other side of the ocean but no matter how much joy I carry in my heart, I still have an open wound which relates to my inability to soothe my mother, take away her worries or protect her from the consequences of her own destructive actions. She lives chaotically, is emotionally immature, revels in her victimhood and is subtly manipulative. Because she is jealous of me and the things I do and have, I stopped many years ago telling her much about my life. Our weekly phone calls revolve around her, and depending on her mood, they can either be mildly pleasant or leave me with somatic sensations which are highly disruptive to the rest of my day. She never asks about my husband, it is as if he does not exist except when she needs money from him. (Both she and my father borrowed vast sums of money from us many years ago, and never repaid it).

Although she was a loving mother to me as a child, her behavior over the years of my adulthood has been boundlessly hurtful, yet here I am, day after day, wondering if in fact I am the monster? All evidence to the contrary (I have been in a stable marriage for 20 years, my teenage children are thriving, my many friendships are nurturing and long lasting), I still focus extraordinarily on the one relationship in my life that I cannot get right and the one person whom I feel I have devastated just by daring to live my life. 

How can I stop putting her at the center of my emotional universe? How can I learn to live with the fact that she will never love me as I crave to be loved by her, will never support me in my life decisions and, most of all, will never hold herself accountable for the bitter and lonely woman she has become?

[xredshoesx]

@Tradescantia  welcome to the group

I too am a survivor of a undiagnosed mentally ill mother.  unlike you, I was not able to stay in contact and even after 30+ years of no her in my life, trauma brings her voice back into my head because that trauma is my shadow.  it's not always the same size, but it is always with me.

i'm holding space for you and I want to reiterate the evidence your life now shows- it wasn't you....it wasn't ever you... and also congratulate you for breaking the cycle bc you learned to reparent yourself and heal as you raised your own kiddos.

the one thing I always felt is once I grew more emotionally mature than my mother, I was useless to her.  I think when I was little I was like a living doll for her, but when she could no longer control me as I developed my own personality... that's the point where our parent/ child relationship ended.  she also lost custody of me multiple times bc of her life choices but that's a whole 'nother post.

there's a lot of us here- we post on the dealing with PD parents section, and a lot of the posts are related to those phone calls you described- talking each other through it and validating each other.
Dealing with PD Parents


be gentle with yourself today.  we're listening when you are ready to share more

[Rebel13]

Hi Tradescantia,

It sounds to me like you have gotten your relationship with your mom exactly right! You got some distance, made a wonderful life for yourself, but kept in contact as best you could because that was important to you. What else do you think you ought to have done? Sacrificed your own life to, what, live with her and caretake her emotions 24/7? Normal, loving parents WANT their children to grow up and pursue their own dreams and happiness, even if they maybe feel a little sad during the "empty nest" phase. Isn't that what you want and expect for your own children?

I hope this helps you reframe how you think about her and your relationship, and start to move toward recognizing that you have done your absolute best in a very difficult situation and any blame does NOT lie with you.

Wishing you the best!

[Tradescantia]

Thank you both so much for your heartfelt replies and your good wishes. Actually, the night after posting, I came across a book and ended up reading it from cover to cover. It is called The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza and it basically explains my mother. As my father was an overt narcissist, my mom could always hide sweetly in the shadows. He is gone now, and after realizing that with him gone, her behavior still remained confusing and hurtful, I have been trying to observe her like an anthropologist would. The book has finally provided me with the missing puzzle piece and shows me the extent to which I have been brainwashed and manipulated. I really cannot recommend this book strongly enough for anyone whose parents showered them with "love" as children and then dropped them like hot potatoes once they were old enough to think for themselves. It explains everything about my life with them, and after struggling for decades, I basically feel healed overnight. I want to run up to the top of some alpine peak and spin around in the meadow like Maria in the Sound of Music, I suddenly feel so incredibly free!

[Rebel13]

What a great post! I will definitely check out the book. I suspect my mom was a covert or vulnerable narcissist as well, at least when she wasn't being a grandiose one!

Sigh. These people.