Love=pain?

[GoodPesto]

Dear fellows,

due to recent events I found myself contemplating this and would like to read your thoughts on it, if you happen to find the time to share.
Love and pain seem - as far as the discourse goes - go hand in hand. I get where this is coming from, I guess, your partner can trigger the hell out of you only because s/he is getting so close. And then there is what one could call growing pain of maturing relationships, the pain of hard times, etc.
In relationships with PD people pain is definately a companion and sometimes it seems unmeasurably strong. Maybe the fact that people tell each other that pain is normal in an intimate relationship makes it difficult for some to choose a different form of relationship (with less suffering).
So I was wondering, especially for those of you who are lucky to have found themselves in truly satisfying relationships with a non-PD partner, how do you experience pain in a healthy relationship and would you be able to compare it to the pain of a dysfunctional one?
It would be great for me to get a better understanding of this.

[Rebel13]

Hi GoodPesto, I'm sorry you are struggling with this! It's super painful.

In answer to your question, I have been in dysfunctional intimate relationships. Not for a long time, but the biggest difference I can think of between those times and the relationship I'm in now (20+ years), is that I feel cared about. Even if there is a disagreement, I feel like my partner values my thoughts and feelings and cares about what I want.

There are concrete examples of how we show up for each other in hard times -- not just flowers and candy on Valentine's Day, but going out of our way to help each other when it's needed, without being asked. It's still amazing to me to be able to ask for help and get it, without having to justify myself, and without complaining or excuses from the other side.

If one of us behaves badly but then apologizes, the other one doesn't make it into a federal case, going on about it, bringing it up in every argument in the future, etc. I snapped about something yesterday and was pissy, but after a little while said, "I'm sorry," and explained what the issue was for me. And that was kind of the end of it. It's taken a long time to get here, because we both had varying kinds and degrees of dysfunction and abuse in our childhood environments.

But when I feel pain now, I have faith that the situation will be resolved. I don't have that hopeless feeling of being stuck in circular conversations that don't make sense and never get resolved. It's not perfect, it might take a while, but I know we will arrive at a point where we can talk calmly and honestly about difficulties, our feelings and perspectives, understand each other, and negotiate something that works for us both. That foundation of mutual care and concern that's grounded in behavior, not lovebombing or platitudes, was something I didn't have in my FOO or early intimate relationships.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I will be thinking about this question; it's a good one.

I have written on here about some of the painful stuff in my marriage, but even so I do believe it's a good marriage. Despite our faults and fleas, my husband and I are deeply committed to each other. I am free to be very honest and he with me. We can trust that even when there's friction we want the good for each other, and we desire us both to be happy. We can take our time to figure stuff out together. I'm able to be playful. That side of us is developing still. Neither of us had much genuine fun in our FOO. But it's safe to grow and develop and we both want that for each other. We take care of each other and we take care of ourselves.