Disturbing story

[walking on broken glass]

A disturbing situation emerged regarding a friend and I am upset by it. I used to be much closer with this friend but I diluted contact a lot, because she is quite narcissistic and can be very competitive with me (I had written about her here in the past). But we keep in touch and meet from time to time (she lives in a different country).

She's been in a relationship with a guy for the past 6 years or so, and it was clear from the start that this guy was bad news. From arguments and stories she was sharing, I could tell he was very emotionally immature and controlling, but she buried her head in the sand and sought to repair the relationship every time there was a rupture because of him. She prides herself on being very independent and self aware but in reality she is in denial and caters to the guy's whims. Whenever she shared something about a fight they had, I would gently challenge her and urge her to see his bad behaviour but she always reunited with him.

Well, this time she found out that he was bringing women (possibly trafficked) in the flat, when my friend was away, to have sex with them. He has an only fans account and she also found porn videos that he had shot in the flat. It looks like he might be involved in trafficking himself (not a huge leap to make from the evidence). He also routinely does cocaine. This is of course very disturbing but what gives me pause is my friend's reaction to it. She discovered some of the evidence when they were travelling together and she stayed with him and continued the holiday. After they went back, she looked for more evidence on his phone, didn't say anything when she discovered it and left only because she had another trip planned. When she talked to me about it, she didn't realize the magnitude of the situation and was still trying to make excuses for him. It turned out in our conversation that he had given her plenty of reasons to suspect what was going on, but she routinely dismissed all of them and turned a blind eye. He had even told her that he had a guy that procured women for him when he went for business in the Balcans 'in the past'. And she stayed with him after he admitted that, long before she found the video evidence!

I have been supporting her since she told me but I find her lack of understanding of the seriousness of all this very disturbing. She says she will ask him to leave the flat so that she packs up her things. I hope she will and I hope it will be a clean break. And even though I don't underestimate her psychology and the brainwashing she must have received, I am still puzzled about the choices she has made. She basically knew that he was taking advantage of poor, vulnerable women and was ok with it because ... it was in the past? Such a problematic ethical take.

I have been rather gentle with her so far but today she texted me that she can't believe this is true because they had so many things in common. I replied to her that he is a criminal and a misogynist and I don't know what they had in common but that's a pretty big gap to bridge. I feel that I am losing my patience and will be even more blunt if she continues like this.

[Catothecat]

That is indeed disturbing, brokenglass, and your efforts seem to have fallen on deaf ears.  What I find interesting is that she tells you of all these instances, clearly knows what he's been up to, yet despite her knowledge makes a complete turn around and says she can't believe it.  She can't believe it because she doesn't want to.  She's trying to maintain her image of the relationship, and doing so at all costs including to herself.  Saying they had so much in common when apparently they didn't indicates how desperate she is to find reasons to stay with him.  Why she's doing this is something only she can say.  You can be supportive of positive decisions and actions she makes, but otherwise your role will likely be limited until she decides to figure herself out.

Next time she comes to you with her issues with him, I'd ask why she's telling me all this stuff when it doesn't seem she really wants to do anything about it?  Is she serious or isn't she?  Otherwise it's just the same story told over and over.

And I don't think her ethics are actually in play here.  She probably knows perfectly well who he is--if he was someone else.   For him, she's willing to put any ethical concerns on hold.  It may reflect poorly on her, but she's not seeing that, either.
     

[walking on broken glass]

For him, she's willing to put any ethical concerns on hold.  It may reflect poorly on her, but she's not seeing that, either.

This spot on, Catothecat. She is building a narrative around the uncomfortable issues which has become her reality. He is a 'sex addict' and he needs help; he paid for sex but didn't have an affair which means their relationship was real; it might be just the stuff that she discovered and no more. I challenge her and sometimes she agrees with me or keeps silent. But she mostly tries to find grounds for excuse.

The latest development is that she texted him that she wants the flat to herself to pack her things up and he immediately agreed and left. She now says she will take her time because she has a lot of stuff to pack and she does not want to leave the city. She also brought up that she is thinking of calling him to hash it out with him, and she asked me if I think that he may be willing to tell her the truth, since they are breaking up and he has nothing to lose. I honestly think that if he apologized and begged her to stay, she would. I don't think he will, which is really fortunate for my friend. I feel I have said what I needed to say and I will be now following ths situation from afar.

[walking on broken glass]

So I am back with an update.
After our last talk, my friend went silent for a while. She had said that she wanted to confront the boyfriend and that she was in no hurry to move out, but after that I got radio silence. I texted to ask if there are any updates, she responded that there are and she will call me to tell me, and she never called. This was almost a month and a half ago. I assume that she ended up getting back together with him, and she was embarrassed to tell me, after all the conversations we had and the stuff I said about him. Yesterday she got in touch out of the blue to announce that she got a job, without mentioning anything about the situation. To understand the levels of my frustration, you have to know that she's always had a pattern of narcissistic behaviour, getting in touch when she wanted to announce a success, show off and bask in her glory, without ever asking about me. We work in the same field so she's always been very competitive with me and wanting to show that she is better than me. I was aware of her narcissistic tendencies and this is why I had limited contact with her. But this time, it enraged me more than usual. I had spent all this time talking to her about this issue, worrying about her, thinking how I can help, and I now realize she doesn't want help, she just wants validation for her choices. She blatantly glossed over the boyfriend issue as if the conversation had never happened, because it's inconvenient for her, and jumped back to her usual pattern of 'look how amazing I am'. I decided I am not going to passively accept it this time. I wrote to her congratulations, amazing news, and followed up with 'I assume you have broken off all contact with the trafficker? I didn't hear back from you'. She hasn't responded yet but I am prepared to tell her that this is a red line for me, and I can't talk to her while she is still with this guy, and that I hope she gets help. I was so upset yesterday over this, I couldn't stop shaking when I was drafting the message. It reminded me of being in touch with my family. I don't want this in my life.

[Catothecat]

Thanks for giving an update, brokenglass.  Does her response really surprise you?  Sounds like she waited until she had something "good" to tell you, which didn't involve him because she's likely still with him and as you said, doesn't want to admit it.  Seems she now wants to pretend all those previous conversations didn't happen, so she won't bring any of it up--until next time.  With people like her, seems there's always a next time.  It will be interesting to see how she responds to your straightforward question.  I'll bet that's something she's not used to.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks, Cato! You are right, I shouldn't be surprised. This is exactly what I thought would happen. I guess I was hoping this time would be different. She hasn't responded to my message and my suspicion is she will ignore it. I will wait for a few days and then send her another message that I have prepared, saying that her silence means she is still with him, and even though she wants to pretend our conversation never happened, I am not going to do the same; that I cannot stand by this, as it is against my values and morality, that her stance reflects her lack of boundaries and her values, and that I hope at some point she leaves him and seeks help.

Over the years there has been enough cause for me to wonder whether I should stay friends with this person and I feel that this is the last straw.

[1footouttadefog]

I hate that you are losing someone who you ha e known a long time.  It's tough to have to prune people out of your life.

Just like an infected limb on a tree however it's needful for the tree to be healthy and grow.

Think of this as you drive about and see magnificent trees in the sun and wind.  That is you also.

[Pinkos]

@WOBG I'm sorry that this friendship has been a source of disappointment and upset for you. Your dynamic with this friend reminds me so much of the dynamic with my narcissistic sister. I did this dance for many years (including the criminal boyfriends) so I totally get the investment in their lives. And it is maddening when they vent to you about all this stuff and then they disappear and get secretive or don't follow through on what they said they would/should do. I am a parentified eldest daughter so I had a savior complex with my sister and it took me years to pull back. 

It sounds like you are at your ropes end with this friend and I don't blame you. My guess is she's going to stay with him.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, 1foot and Pinkos.

I keep checking to see if the friend replied - she hasn't - and it stresses me. I haven't sent the message I composed yet because it feels a bit final to me and I am worried about what her reaction will be to it. I realize that my worry about her reaction shows me that this is probably not a very healthy friendship. But I am rarely confrontational with people and this is out of my comfort zone. The other option would be to wait until she makes a move and decide then what to do but isn't this delaying the inevitable? I am guessing next time she will get in touch it will be about another 'success' of hers and, if I don't sing her praises, she will say I am envious. But it's her prerogative to think however she likes; that doesn't change reality or my stance.
Ugh. I will send the message and be done with it.

[walking on broken glass]

I sent the message. My friend replied *immediately* that she was just very busy with things and she didn't have the time to write, that she was travelling and that she wanted to update me over the phone because 'a lot' happened after the guy 'chucked her out of the flat' and it didn't feel she could share via text. And could we talk tomorrow? Or even now, she is available. I didn't reply and after a while she added that she has broken up with the guy.
I wrote back saying that I don't feel like talking about 'all the stuff' that happened; that she is not being honest with me or with herself; that if she had made a clean break she would have found the time to tell me after I specifically asked her twice about it; that even if they broke up (which was an afterthought in her message) that was probably his decision, not hers (why didn't she leave the flat and she said that 'he chucked her out' as if she were unwilling to leave, after everything that happened? Where is her agency?) and given his activities this is highly problematic. I basically said to her that she is bullshiting me and I am not having it. She replied saying that I am wrong, that the guy is not a trafficker and he may have made some mistakes but he is not that. And then changed her story that she was 'busy' to 'this has been a very difficult matter' for her and didn't feel like she could discuss it and wanted to take her time, and I am being unfair and cruel by not allowing her to talk to me about it over the phone.

She basically displayed all the usual narcissistic manipulation tactics. Denying reality, playing the victim, changing the story.

I understand that my reaction will have come as a shock to her given that she is not used to me openly calling her out. But I don't owe her to explain all the things that have gone wrong in our relationship before I exit it, given that she cannot take accountability for anything.

I am sad but I don't see how I could have gone on being a genuine friend to her.