Musing on meanness

[skybox]

Just random musing.

I dislike miserliness but seem to have attracted this trait in partners.

It is not something I particularly associate  with FOO, although women were meant to «  make do » whilst the men were to be praised for their wealth or possessions.

So miserly.... How did this happen? boyfriends as a teenager could be excused as simply being poor - but it's a sort of emotional poverty -lack of a birthday card, or kindness.

 Young men, one memorably bought himself a suit for my birthday present. Presumably my gift was the treat of seeing him in the suit. It was so odd I didn't know what to say!

Later on, xnpdh incredibly mean whilst generous to himself. Stark and almost comic contrasts.  But similarly, would buy himself huge gifts, for him, but «  for you « 

There is a theme here, what am I doing to attract such behaviour.
Clearly the universe is trying to tell me something, but has made me a hermit in avoiding everyone.

A recent conversation reminded me of those older men who keep money in coin purses. And Getty. No matter the level of resource, there's a kind of sickness in a person who counts the cost of trivial things.

[Catothecat]

My uNPexh used to tell me that the money he spent on himself and his hobbies was for the benefit of both of us, because one of these days one of those hobbies was going to pay off and then we'd be rich, baby!  Of course, it never happened.  They were just treats to himself, and telling me such fables was his way of justifying his self-indulgence. 

The PDs I've known always understood their own needs, but that's as far as it went.  To give something, especially if it cost money, had to meet their cost-benefit ratio.  They first calculated whether or not it would be to their benefit.  Whenever I realized a relationship was based entirely on what the other person was getting out of it, and my needs were never a factor, I would end it.  And yes, I was always the bad guy when that happened.  The PD could never ever see their behavior for what it was.  In their minds, they were being kind and generous.  But of course, their version of "kind and generous" had to do entirely with how they felt about themselves. 

I'm inclined to doubt you're doing anything to attract such people, skybox.  I think these PDs and other narcissistic, selfish types are just constantly on the lookout for people they can take advantage of and that would include a lot of us.  It's certainly happened enough times to me and I never felt I was doing anything to attract them other than not being narcissistic, demanding, and selfish!

[1footouttadefog]

My spouse was miserly about some thing and generous about others.

It took me along time to realize it was in part about getting narc supply. 

He almost always bought me things as gifts that were things he liked for himself.  I have curio cabinets he liked then tried to fill with his army memorabilia.  I have a small stamp and curio box that it did not take him long to take over.

I am so slow that just the other day I was pondering why I hVe not bought a taller shelf unit for the entrance of the house.  It's because that 1988 curio cabinet is hanging on that wall.

I will be looking out for the perfect unit of furniture for that space and that damned box is getting hung on the wall in his room. 

My husband was raging over the fact I put a new roof on our house and on the chicken coop.  He wants to buy a coin from a coin shop and I said maybe for the holidays.  He thinks that I am putting a roof in for fun or something. 

I said I have been w as tching our spending for two years since hurricane Helene so we could get a new roof debt free and you think I am having my jollies.  I said excuse me, I need to get my self off, I am all hot and bothered thinking about that spare bundle of roof shingles in the garage. 

His aunt was so cheap she left her cabinet doors open so she would not have to replace the failing hinges.  Al of the cabinets upper and lower were open at all times.  It was a riot to see her and the MIL work in the kitchen like ostriches dodging their heads in and out between open cabinet  doors sticking out at 90 degrees.

[hhaw]

The saying ...
"We accept the treatment we believe we deserve," stuck deep in my crawl. I opted out of relationship with men, as much as I could, bc my picker was bent....maybe broken. 

Knowing this.....meant I will never invite chaos and poor treatment into my life, with men, again.

Question:  What do you feel, when picturing yourself dismissing the first unkind man.....for the very first mean thing he says or does to you?

THAT discomfort or resistance to kicking the directly to the curb, sans hesitation, is your issue, ime.

I'm an avoidant person, so I feel extreme discomfort at setting reasonable boundaries and defending them like I defend my children.

You know you give, and deserve better.
Food for thought.

[1footouttadefog]

I can relate to the broken picker concept.

I met someone a couple of years back at a church I was attending.  It seemed like we had a lot to talk about and we had dinner and a beer a couple of times.  I could see red flags waving every where.

It was sad but them I realized how great it was I could see them and so soon and new it was beat just to nip that in the bud. 

I am optimistic that I will do better with friends and such here out.

[skybox]

The open cupboard door story is a classic! Thankyou all for responses, cotc, that's very good insight thankyou

think Hhaw is onto something -having the confidence to just brush them away at the first instance.  there's something else-  I was sort of frozen , not understanding what was happening as it clearly did not make sense as they were nice to me beforehand   

Instead of walking instantly, I have stayed and scratched my head , tried to understand. That's my «  broken picker »

It's sad, but also safe, simply not to be open to relationships at this stage.  Healing to do.

Well done to 1foot, that's a «  win ».

[hhaw]

Skybox:

It's feasible, imo, to keep one self safe with impeccable boundaries, and enforcement...maybe?

If I look back....there were always red flags.  Had I the....the sense?  The feeling entitled?  Had I understood what I was seeing....maybe I could have skipped "becoming confused, bc I didn't want to know what I was seeing."

From where I sit, now.....my exes had been good enough, long enough, they could do a lot of bad things, and I explained it away for them.

I wanted what I'd bargained for, and I didn't want to have to deal with the messiness, of admitting I'd made a mistake, of dumping this person (along with the hopes and dreams I attached to him) or deal with whatever imagined humiliation would follow ending things, rather than give up hope of getting back what I thought we had....if I could just be helpful enough, kind enough, careful enough....small enough and eventually abandon myself enough, which just wasn't possible.  There was no death of self abandonment that would have brought back any measure of (pretended) peace and calm for my first exh.

Looking back, ending things, after that first little boundary transgression, would have kept me safe, and out of the chaos, and cruel treatment I endured, while wasting time hoping and wishing.

IME, they tell us who they are, eventually.  We should believe them, and learn to prioritize our care, comfort, and selves in our lives.

We're trained up to center men....caretake....regulate their emotions, and fulfill "duties" we don't understand, IME.

Complete waste of time and energy, IME....with the guys I married.

I was engaged to a nice guy....and maybe that would have worked out, had he lived, but he was newly divorced from a likely BPD woman. His oldest DD tortured me, as he lay dying.  I imagine our marriage would have suffered from all kinds of ongoing traumas, and chaos, I haven't imagined, but would have been our reality. 


Refusing to stand for the first little transgression.... that's the ticket, imo.

Radical acceptance.....
Releasing expectations and outcome.  Don't get attached to a story....
Choose yourself.

[xredshoesx]

I think some of what you described is societal.... meaning as women we are conditioned to endure poor treatment because we have not centered men enough, because if we did, they would of course treat us better.

we here at Out of the FOG know that's straight up hogwash.

I feel like I was conditioned to be a doormat-  as a child, living in a male centered household where I was trained to cater to men, then not having a voice as a child/ teen in the court system where my future was decided by men.... and not being able to have my own personality (my mother viewed me as an extension of her whims) led to me being a very much so 'pick me' girl, which got me in trouble in my relationships both romantic and otherwise because I was not trained to advocate for better treatment of myself.

i'm glad we are all here and unlearning this together

[skybox]

Thanks redshoes, that echoes something of my own foo.

I was parentified, no doubt a common experience for the time. It left this enduring legacy - having all the responsibility but no authority or way to get out of the situation.

It contributed to my tolerating xnpdh, and I guess now, taking stock of it all, trying to recover.