Blindsided & new to experiencing PD - BFs mom

[Kapalin]

My partner and I have been together for 9 years. We are neighbors, single parents and decided to keep separate homes due to our resepective kids. His mom and sis live in another country and would visit for couple of weeks at a time. They knew me well, but somehow my partner kept me away of any drama during short visits. And i was happily oblivious.

Come 2026, his mom came over for 6 months to stay with him. No problem. Our life continued as is. Then he had to travel for work - 3 month assignment. I was more than happy to help her out while he was traveling - still is traveling. Few more weeks.

First month - all ok. I would meet her every other day, help out with any logistics, groceries etc, sit with her for a bit. Then out of the blue, one day she blew up about her shopping trip. We were working out cab booking for her (she has mobility issues). "Why are you trying to run my life. I am an independent woman. I can take train. Don't control my life!" I was taken aback. She had started talking about going shopping. We had booked a cab for her before - thats what her son (my partner) always did. I reasoned, "but you don't have local number on your phone. if you slip or get lost, how will we find you. better take a dedicated all day cab so that i can check with the driver if you are ok." Bad idea!! And I was clueless that when she is triggered anything I say will be a reason to attack.
SHe: "Are you saying I am old!?? Why do you want me to slip and fall!??"
       (She is 80)
Me: "I didnt say that. Doesn't hurt to be careful. And it is convenient,"
She: "Who are you to tell me what to do!??"
(establishing that I am just an outsider and nobody to her son.)
Me: "Well, I am XX's partner. I am assisting as i would assist my parents."
She: "You can dominate you parents. Don't try to dominate me. I don't like anyone spying on where i am going."

I was totally lost. I had never seen this side of her. Where was all this coming from.

This was the first incident of many over next two months. Mind you, I had never been with a PD. My parents are normal people. My ex-in laws were awesome. She is the first of motherly age I dealth with who has PD. But I did not know at that time. After 2 months and many many episodes later, I started researching, and found out that her transformations from helpless to aggressive to depressed are all signs of PD and control tactic. I am a captive audience. Her kids grew up with her and have their own way of dealing with her. I was clueless and available and eager to assist.

These days whenever I meet her, I come back with a headache and feeling heavy. She is sometimes in victim mode, sometimes very angry at the world, sometimes obsessed with the thought that everyone is doing black magic on her, sometimes very helpless and when there are more than 2 people with her - she is a sweet old lady. It is mind boggling for someone who had mostly dealt with non-manipulators to experience this. Came looking for tools to handle it without depleting myself. And if any of you have any advise or similar stories. (Still in Shock)

[bloomie]

Kapalin - welcome to Out of the FOG. I am glad you have found the community. I am imagining your shock as you have seen your partner's mother's mask drop and the shape shifting from sweet old lady to victim to paranoia to helpless to independent and back. 

Not a fun journey. While it is helpful to identify that this may be a disordered pattern of behaviors that are long standing with your partner's mom I have learned from painful experience that the most important thing I can do is equip and empower myself in dealing with the traits I am encountering.

My thought in reading through your post is... how can you reduce the amount of contact you have with her? Is it time to clarify what is yours to do in this situation? Did you agree to oversee her well being and check in every other day? If so, is it necessary and seems to not be what she wants?

Dealing with someone who shape shifts is challenging, I have found. I had a very similar 'sweet old lady' as a mother in law and I can tell you that in my own case I learned over time, any help I offered was seen as me putting my own mil in a step down position. She would receive it for a while, or when it suited her, and then I would find she was insulted by help.

What my own mil communicated what she was entitled to was for her 'blood' relatives to assist her - my partner, her other children, because in her view of parent/adult child dynamics they owed her, or someone she was paying, who also owed her. Both better kept in place her fragile need to be in control and a step up. My helping her was a no win situation for me every single time. So, I stopped helping her and focused on supporting my partner.

I want to link to our toolboxwhere you will find insights and a great do/don't section for each trait you are identifying. I also suggest reading through this board past threads to gain real life insights and thoughts from the community!

Keep coming back and sharing and let us know how you are doing!

[Kapalin]

Dear Bloomie,
OMG - even the terms she uses to diss me are exactly what you mentioned. "Only blood relations can feel for each other's emotions", "outsiders will not understand what I am going through", "only mother loves their kids the most, no one else can." etc etc. She even keeps her own kids on toes and competing with each other.

You are right and your advise means a lot. I will absolutely hold back on proactively helping. Thank you!

[1footouttadefog]

Wow, so sorry you are dealing with Al of this.

I saw in your other post where she decided to leave and called her estranged daughter to BFs house and took off for three weeks.

Hopefully they will not destroy your BFs house while he is gone. 

[moglow]

Hi and welcome!

Your partner's mother sounds so much like mine, and it can be incredibly painful. You genuinely want and try to help and are pushed away, attacked for trying to do what you see as the right thing. Know what though? Don't do anything like that and she'll just as likely complain about that too. Then you're neglecting her etc. My feeling is, people who want a problem will find or invent one every time. There's no "win" just doing the best you can with what you have - if she has a problem with that, it's all on her.

Maybe back off and check on her here and there, not every day or even every other. Don't make suggestions. Make it clear you'll help with whatever she needs but you're not there to be a punching bag. Gently. Politely. With a smile. And go scream after you talk to her if/when needed. The main thing is, learn to not take it personally. I guarantee she's treated any and everyone the same. If they've distanced from her, there's a reason.