Sifting through the past

[skybox]

Perhaps because I am «  in limbo » trying to recover, I find all sorts of memories floating up.

Not about xnpdh - my brain appears to have put that away, thank goodness unless it gets «  poked ».

The memories are long past, some good, some not,  a sort of «  putting it all in context ».
Some favorite places, I can almost be there. However in the midst of all of this, some hard stuff came up.  It's too «  touchy » to go there, but makes me wonder - do I take this stuff out to a therapist, or leave it well alone, wrapped up.
My concetn is that going there could «  undo » me, and I have little to no support as it is.
I would never want to discuss this with any friend it would get in the way.

Partly acknowledging to myself that it's there, gives me great compassion for younger me. That helps.

Anyone else have this dilemma?

[1footouttadefog]

I think sometimes having hard things come can actually be a positive sign that healing is taking place.

When we are in survival mode of fight or flight we cannot process these things. 

If we are in those modes much of the time old stuff that is perhaps even decades old stays trapped in processed at the bottom of the pile.

I try to actively process hurtful things.  Perhaps not on the spot but as soon after as I can. 

A light weight example might be: I am out with friends and we run into some other folks perhaps something is said that I find triggering in a disproportionate way. I fake my way through then later that night or a day or two later l, I try to think through it.

Why did that feel so hard and too much. What did it remind me of.  What did it poke. Why does the poked memory still seem so fresh.  Who am I letting have free rent.  What goal or dream got walked on and stopped.  Etc.  What weakness was laid bare in my soul.
?  What vulnerability?

I find that by dissecting things and seeing what thread tangles to another helps make them hurt less. 

When I figure out why it hurts, I try to process if it's something I need to simply forgive myself for, or was it something I need to let go of as part of a less mature self and leave in the past etc.  is it related to a failing or weakness of mine.  Is it something that was done to me.  Do I need to re access a relationship, or some lies that I was told etc.

Sometimes if it's a weakness, I think through how I am addressing or compensating for that now. Maybe think through how I can work on it.  Then remind myself it's mine to work on and I don't need the freeloading opinions of people who are no longer in my life. 

And yes compassion for the younger me.  I got me here and it's not so bad.  If someone else had an easier path with a road map roadmap and instruction manual well good for them, Lol.  I had a bag of confetti, to work with, so there's that. 
   
All that to say I sort of have a method that works for me.  With time things get processed and filed away in a less harmful form as regular memories that are just data, with little if any emotions attached. 

The hard part was learning to in the moment recognize the trigger is not entirely about what is present and compartmentalizing the negativity for later.  I think if it as trapping a wild raccoon in a harm free trap/ cage  so I can release it in the woods later.   It okay to continue with the activity at hand the raccoon is safe in the cage until I can process and release it, even if it's not happy until then.

[skybox]

Thanks 1foot, the raccoon metaphor is a good one!

In this case, I trapped the raccoon, stuffed it and put it the basement - only now to have acknowledged its presence.

Not sure I am ready, and guess I got this far without looking at it. There's a feeling that talking about it gives it life, which I don't want.
Perhaps my power is leaving it as a stuffed raccoon?