Mixed communications

[ChelseyTrombley]

A few months ago, I made a post about how I was given an ultimatum for Christmas. I gave in to the ultimatum and the next day my mother decided to go no contact with me. She had my father bring over the Christmas presents and deliver the message that she was done.

During the conversation with my father, he made it clear that we were still gonna have relationship. I did not hear from him for over a month and decided to call him to see if I could figure out what was wrong.

It turns out that he feels like I'm not putting enough effort into our relationship because he claims that he always needs to call or text first. Also was upset that I didn't bring my dog over to his house so that they could dog sit them while we were on vacation.

Another part that is confusing is he said that my mother didn't cut me off and that if I wanted to talk to her, I could text her anytime. He still thinks that we can be a happy family and go out and do family gathering like things. Also claims that my mother asked about me all the time and loves me.

What I don't get is if she was not done with the relationship why did she cancel Christmas and deliver the Christmas present she had for me? Both of my parents also expressed that they would not accept any presents from me for any holidays. My dad's birthday recently came up and I didn't buy anything from him because I knew he wasn't going to accept anything.

I feel like I'm getting mixed messages because on one hand, my dad wants us to be able to all hang out as a family but on the other hand, they don't want to accept gifts and I feel that I have this unrealistic expectation of how much I need to contact them/see them.

I've already grieved losing my mother, but I never anticipated to have to grieve pretty much losing my dad too. But I can't foresee our relationship getting much better when our conversations are just about fixing the relationship with my mother and with her not taking any accountability.

To make matters more complicated I'm engaged and I would like to have an engagement party next year, but I only want to invite my dad because by the time I have the engagement party I would've been estranged from my mother for about a year. My dad claims that if he's the only one that's invited he's not gonna go and that my mother should be able to go. My dad claims that she'll just sit there and not talk to me.

I don't know what you guys feel about this, but I feel like that would be awkward as all hell for everyone at the party and it would probably ruin my day.

What do you guys do in situations like this where it's a mixed communication with no clear answers

[Liketheducks]

My mom cut me off too....and then told everyone that I was the one doing the NC.   I don't call, she doesn't call me....and then laments that I never call.  The way I see it, IF I see different behavior I'm open to revisiting a relationship, but I'm not going to all the work to maintain one.   My mom is not entitled to a relationship with me while also spending her energy denigrating me to anyone who will listen.  It is a crazy making circle.   IF she spent a fraction of the energy on relating with me that she does boohooing that I never call....we would have a very different situation.    This sounds a lot like that to me.   It is definitely mixed messages....and crazy making.   In my case, I believe that being "victimized" by me or talking to others about how I have victimized her plays into a narrative that works for her.   We text maybe 3 times a year....always cordial.   I still send presents for holidays...and so does she...but beyond that what I hear from her is always from a third party and ALWAYS "but she is your mother...and doesn't see it that way".....well then have the adult conversation and fix it

What in the childish BS is this....she'll rudely sit at your engagement party and just not interact with you.   I imagine a small child stamping their feet with their arms crossed.   WTH?   

It is your celebration....I wouldn't invite anyone that would ruin any part of that for you.   Celebrate with your dad separately if he won't come to your party....if mom is going to be a child.   Explain to others that they just couldn't come and leave it there.   Couldn't come is the truth....you don't have to tell anyone that they couldn't come because mom couldn't act like an adult. 

A lot can happen in a few months.   If dad keeps saying she wants to interact with you.   Tell him you're open to that (if you want)....but that you're not going to talk about her with others.   That also would be rude.   

Sorry....I'm angry for you.   AND it is definitely something my mom has done.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Chelsey,

Your dad is what I've seen called a 'half safe' person. He wants to have contact with you but he won't see your perspective, and he will put the blame on you for going no contact with your mum and refuse to acknowledge your mum's responsibility in all this. It is confusing because when your dad assured you you won't lose touch, you are thinking 'my dad loves me and he gets it' and then he doesn't call and then is being difficult about the level of contact, demands more attention and says your mum really wants to talk to you and it's your fault you are not in touch. So, in essence, despite the facade, he does not get you and he does not want to get you. He wants to keep enabling your mum and he wants you to yield to their demands with no compromise.

When I cut off contact with my mum I gradually came to the realisation that I would have to cut off contact with other people too, because they weren't interested in my wellbeing, they just wanted to keep the balance and not upset the image of the loving family. Your dad is doing the same. He basically gave you an ultimatum for your engagement party: both of them have to be invited but your mum will sit there and won't talk to you. This is hardly a pleasing prospect. He expects you to appease your mum and tell her how much you want her at your party. In reality, you don't need either of them if this is how they want to behave. Celebrate with the people you love and who will be there to celebrate with you, not to prove a point or create tension. You don't need this in your life.

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's so much crap. Gaslighting you about your mother cutting you off. You aren't making that one up. I think it's likely mom expected you to come groveling to her and now you haven't so... rewriting history.

Your choices for your engagement party are to have neither of your parents there or to have your mom there refusing to speak to you? And they are planning out their behavior at this party months in advance? This sort of goes along with the Christmas drama taking place over the summer. Why are they poisoning your pleasure in looking forward to things like this?

I 100% agree you don't need this in your life.

[ChelseyTrombley]

I definitely have no plans of trying to reconcile the relationship with my mother or ever reaching out to her again in general. Unfortunately, it's been 10+ long years of trying to make that relationship work.

I was hoping that me and my father could have a somewhat normal relationship where we could just talk about life and not my mother. I basically would want less than the bare minimum out of him maybe a phone call or text every once in a while.

The other thing about the engagement party that complicates the situation is we are actually eloping secretly and nobody knows that we're doing this. So our plan is at this engagement Party is to reveal that we're married.

While my fiancé's family would be perfectly fine with us doing this, my mother would have never accepted this, and my father has recently expressed that he is not OK with elopement. One of my other family members recently did this and my dad's response was look at what this person did to her family as if she betrayed her family.

The whole point of the engagement party is to reveal to everyone that we're married and if my father is not there, I feel he's going to regret not hearing that in person. I'm more than happy to send him a text but at the same time I don't want drama or tension at my basically wedding reception.

I'm going to invite my dad, but I'm gonna be underneath the expectation that he's not coming, but I hope that he opens his eyes to why we did an elopement and that there is no one to be mad at because it's going to just be us, the person marrying us and a photographer.

I guess part of me feels like I'm going to lose my father too especially after eloping but at the same time our relationship feels like he is 99% out the door.

I've also been experiencing a lot of the anxiety that I used to have with my mother because a lot of times there would be conflict that's just not resolved. And I kind of feel like this situation is starting to happen with my father and while it may not be as bad as it was with my mother, I feel that either eventually he's gonna cut me off or it's gonna be another 10 years of our relationship, just dwindling down to nothing.

It's weird to be in one of the most happiest phases of my life with getting to marry the love of my life, but then at the same time I feel sadness and grief for losing my family. But at the end of the day, they're choosing to do this, and I can't keep giving into them at the sake of my mental health.

[Liketheducks]

They don't get input in how you and your spouse get married....especially if they're not paying for anything.   That is strictly between you and your spouse.   That's what you've decided is best for you.   I can't imagine springing that at a party with dad and a mom giving you the silent treatment would go over well.   I can only imagine how'd she'd spin that.   

[walking on broken glass]

They don't get input in how you and your spouse get married....especially if they're not paying for anything.   That is strictly between you and your spouse.

 

If you already know that your dad will disapprove, he doesn't need to be there to cause trouble. I highly doubt that your elopement will give him food for thought. My parents were mad with me for getting married in the city where I live and not where they are, where I grew up. They didn't take time to reflect as to why I wasn't crazy about having family at my wedding. They were just mad they couldn't come. Reflection is never their go-to response!

I hope you have a lovely elopement and an amazing engagement party, with no one casting a shadow over it.