Searching for clarity-Late-night crisis loops, police threats, mental gridlock

[csparks]

Hi everyone, newly joined member here. I'm reaching out because I believe I am in a coercive marriage that has reached an unworkable gridlock. I am living in constant fear due to the threats made against me by my wife, and I need perspective from people who understand this dynamic.

We have been married for roughly two decades. Pre-marriage, we seemed to have everything going for us. Early in our marriage, I worked through personal issues and past family trauma in counseling, and my wife and I worked together to build a stronger relationship. We were happily married for many years and raised our children, and everything felt grounded. Until about six years ago.

Over the last several years, we began falling into lengthy, exhausting arguments. In the past, we could both apologize and move on, but recently I have been forced to take 100% of the blame for everything. My wife claims that if I just did what marriage counselors taught decades ago, none of this would happen. I spent years believing I could "fix" things if I just tried harder, but looking at my actual behavior, I realized I was not the one destroying our marriage.

Recently, her behavior escalated dramatically. She began questioning my mental health, accusing me of "abusive behavior," and demanding psychiatric evaluations during arguments. When I try to exit the home to cool off, she and the kids have taken my car keys and physically blocked the doors so I cannot leave. If I go to an empty room to rest, she follows me in to continue the argument.  I've even had to take prescribed sedatives, per her request, just to get her to leave me alone.

She accused me of being an abuser, so I researched domestic violence and abuse cycles extensively to see if I was blindly doing something wrong. While I admit heated exchanges are never ideal, I realized I do not fit the profile of an abuser—and legally/factually, I am not one.

Things reached a crisis point over the last six weeks. I tried setting a gentle boundary about needing quality time for us and establishing better bedtime routines for the family. It took until 3:00 AM of circular arguing for her to relent. When I stated I wanted to sleep on the couch to get peace and rest, she became enraged. When I walked downstairs, she grabbed my cell phone, locked herself in the master bedroom, and refused to give it back, claiming she "needed to look through it."  She gave it back minutes later, but then came downstairs again demanding that it was shared property and she wanted it back because I was hiding something I didn't want her to see.

When I stood my ground neutrally ("You may not possess my phone—I am scared that if I give it to you, you will keep it"), she went into a panic, claimed she was physically unsafe, and drove off sobbing into the night. She returned a short time later, angry, telling me I had better pack my things because the police were on their way and had questions for me. Terrified, I went to the basement and locked the door. No police ever arrived. It was a complete scare tactic.

The next morning, she acted totally fine, but turned to our children at breakfast and instructed them to demand I hand over my phone. In seconds, my teenagers were echoing her exact phrasing.  She told me I was being abusive and violating church and marriage vows simply by holding a boundary on my personal phone.

Extremely shaken, I left the home and called a national domestic violence helpline. I laid out everything that was happening, past and present.  I asked if I was an abuser. What the advocate told me shook me to my core: They told me it wasn't me—that my wife was exhibiting severe coercive control and abusive behavior, and that I needed to stop blaming myself. I broke down and cried on the phone for ten minutes.

Since then, the arguments have intensified. She threatened to call the police again when I wouldn't have a conversation about the marriage.  She has threatened to tell her doctors that there is abuse happening in the home.  She has threaten to put 'abuse' in the divorce papers.  She has threatened a restraining order.  She still demands to audit my phone.  She has questioned my faith.  She questions my version of events and dismisses my version of the facts as 'mental' and that 'I need help' to understand what I am doing is wrong.  She regularly triangulates our teenage children into adult marital arguments, and they now join in echoing her accusations against me.  She has threatened to leave me with the kids because I'm holding my ground and not cooperating.  She has changed her story multiple times, now saying that she was too tired to think at 3am and that in and of itself is an excuse for everything that has happened.  She has stated that she now wants to be present in all of my medical decisions.  Finally, she has stated that I need to set an appointment for a marriage counselor, but I will need to do all the talking on what is wrong with me and how I view her in the relationship. 

Today, we are sleeping in separate rooms and barely speaking. I think back now at all the different things that were said and done since the time we were dating.  I did try to break up with her once, and I remember saying something to the effect that I didn't understand why I was trying to break up with her and that I needed to think about what the relationship means before making that kind of decision.  She had just broken up with her boyfriend a few months prior.  Did he notice something I didn't, and why was she so inclined to let my break-up discussion go the way it did?  Was I a substitute? Was she grooming me this whole time?  If she said she was in successful relationships in her past, why am I here?  Wouldn't that mean you would still be with that man today?  And I've tuned in with how your mother treats your father, and it's similar to how I feel I've been treated.  Is this learned?  Did I miss something?  Why did your dad say 'good luck' with a smile at the wedding? Did I make agreements to stay with her and compromised too much on who I was because she brought me happiness?  And why does she still holding me to 20 year standards for problems non-existent today?  Does she not trust me?  Did she ever trust me?  She said that she was sorry yesterday, but that I'm 100% accountable today.  Why am I the one always to blame for your unhappiness?  And if you've been that unhappy with me, why haven't you left already or years ago?  I've never tried to stop you.  Or do you think it would take to much time to find a replacement you could control?

Sorry this is long, but it's been six-weeks of punishment and 6 years of anguish and 20 years of reflection about the person I married.  I am 'highly' leaning divorce.  I don't want to loose my kids, but I feel I've already lost them.  And I wear a wedding ring from a woman that I'm not sure I really know.  I told her to get help on relationship health and understanding where her actions are coming from, but she says there's nothing wrong with her and that I'm the problem.  I feel fearful, duped and stupid.

My Questions for the Forum:

I never thought I would consider divorce, but has anyone experienced this to say that this is the final solution?

How did you manage the intense fear and nervous system shock when threats of police or false accusations of abuse were weaponized against you? 

Am I over-thinking the issue with the phone, the accusations of having an affair, or some other secret life she assumes I am having?

What practical steps helped you protect your teenagers when your spouse actively worked to enlist them into the conflict?

How do you successfully hold a firm boundary of non-engagement when someone follows you from room to room late at night?

Thank you for reading and for any guidance you can offer.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. What a landslide of pain and difficulty you are in the midst of. I am just incredibly sorry to read what you are going through.

This is all very complex and I want to be careful to let you know that we can support you and offer insights from our own experiences, point you toward resources, but we are not set up to offer advice about escalating domestic instability and abuse that are described as current.

I am thankful you have reached out to DV counselors and suggest you find trauma informed resources in real life and begin documenting and exploring the safest options for you and your children. The alienation and slander, potential false reports to authorities is so troubling. Would you be able to talk with an attorney and get wise advice on how best to go forward and what to do if authorities are called?

I want to offer a resource that can help you assess your risk living in the home as you are:

https://www.mosaicmethod.com

Do you have a reliable and trustworthy support system and anyone that has any idea of what is going on in your home that could emotionally support you? It seems like things have reached a crisis point and the lack of sleep, safety and security has to be taking a huge toll on you and your children.

Please come back as you are able and let us know how you are.

[csparks]

Thank you so much for the support. 

I haven't told anyone within my family/friend circle about my situation.  I am completely isolated.  My family is in another state and I work in another state, so the opportunities to confide in anyone other than support life-lines such as these are currently off the table.  My kids have been pushed away from me by my wife.  They either echo the same points, talk to me as if they are the parent and I am a child, or hold no value of respect for me whatsoever as a father figure.  I've been totally alienated, and my wife has sought my kids out for validation of her feelings towards me.  I feel truly alone.

Yesterday was another day of emotionally draining conversations.  She wants to schedule a visit to a marriage counselor, but she has stated she is to go and 'answer questions' and address 'my concerns' for the fear that I have had over the last several weeks regarding her behavior.  She has often used 'abuse' towards me, and I have no confidence that she would try to frame herself as a victim, which if successful could be used against me in a court proceeding.  DV advocates suggested the notion if she would be open to getting help for herself, but she flatly denies she has a problem.  And she has stated that she would be willing to take me to get a 'psychiatric hold' to find out why I am stuck on a 'loop' of fear and doubt.  She has also threatened to take the kids out of the home.  As I practice gray-rock techniques, she considers my unwillingness to engage in arguments as a sign of 'punishment' towards her, displaying DARVO tactics in an effort to force me into compliance and return the marriage to her version of 'normalcy'. 

I took the mosaic assessment, 6/10 with 148/200.  It isn't definitive, but it seems to be elevated with regard to concerns.  Given what I have witness, I'm not sure if this score could go up or down.