Why do I feel like a traitor?

[Hathor]

How can people treat someone they claim to love so horribly? I'm suspecting my hubby has covert narcissistic tendencies.

I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and it destroyed me. I was an absolute mess, and my hubs solution for me to get past it was THC gummies. I've had PPD with my first two kids so I was scared that I was spiraling into that again, so I gave in and took them, it was better than leaving my kids alone in this world. The gummies helped suppress my feelings, but the second I stopped taking the gummies,  all those un-felt feelings started bubbling up again. Add to that, now my eyes have been opened to his patterns and I've been riding an emotional roller-coaster. He told me I need to get over the loss. Just a flat statement. Get over it. I tried to explain that it wasn't just a pregnancy I lost, I lost all the milestones with that baby, all the firsts, all the hugs, kisses, etc.

When I miscarried, the labor pains started at bedtime, he helped get the kids to bed and then he went to bed as well, he asked me if I wanted him to stay awake with me, but I didn't want to deal with the guilt of keeping him awake (he has trouble sleeping and never gets enough), so I told him I'd wake him if I needed him.
I was not expecting there to be so much blood, I don't think I could have gone to wake him if I'd wanted him. At the time I thought I was ok. But I lost her all alone. When I talked to the nurse later, they said I should have gone to the hospital because I'd lost so much blood during the loss.

He's my best friend. I have been in love with him for decades. He was my person that I'd go to for everything, the good and the bad. I just can't understand why/how someone can claim to love someone and the treat that person like a psych experiment. Part of me feels like our baby died so that I'd see him for who he is, and that somehow makes it easier... and so much worse.

We had an argument, several on going arguments really and I managed to hold my ground a few times only to have my words thrown back at me. I've felt like garbage for the last 2 weeks and all I want is for my best friend to return so I can tell him all about all of my feelings and have him tell me it's ok. Not "you're crazy". Because now I'm starting to feel like I am thr one with the problem, and my therapy appointment cannot come fast enough.

I made an appointment with a therapist, one we actually saw together a few years ago. I'm just struggling to make it through the last few days before the appointment. I've gone silent with hubs. I just don't have the energy to fight anymore.

Do these relationships ever have a happy ending?

[xredshoesx]

some do, some do not and I say this as a ROCK STEADY STAYER that stayed through both physical and emotional abuse with my ex- why???  bc it was normalized by what I saw as a child and I was raised to be a doormat and not a person in my own right.

tbh I was ready to end things with my uPD ex- after he did not support me when my grandma died ( I was her legal representative and had to sign the hospice papers, etc and it was a rough transition) but grief counseling got me in the mindset not to make any MAJOR life decisions for at least a year.  I can't even imagine the level of grief when mourning one's child without your partner to help.  if he is experiencing such deep grief to treat you this way maybe he needs to go talk to someone too for his own mental health

against my better judgement I waited.  it didn't get better but it put me in a growth mindset to prepare to be on my own and to start thinking of terms of 'me' vs terms of 'we' as well as to be prepared financially to be single/solo. 

so what happened next?  i made my happy ending.  just not with my ex.  know that I am thinking of you and whatever you decide to do or not do we are here for you.

[Hathor]

I had a pretty rough day yesterday, just crying a lot. But it must have worried the hubs enough that he said he would go with me to my therapy appointment... but now I am not sure I want him to come with. I think he is very confused right now as to what is going on, but I don't know that I will be able to fully open up and unload everything I want/need to say if he is sitting right next to me. I think he will be very hurt if I just come out and say that I think he is exhibiting PD behaviors.

During my uncontrollable sobbing yesterday I let slip that I don't believe him when he says he loves me. Probably a huge mistake, but it just popped out.

I've noticed he turns a lot of my big feelings into a "well I've had it worse" competition, and he's been what feels like trying to convince me that the people I talk to are terrible people to give relationship advice. Tonight he even mentioned that I'd be better off talking to him over the therapist because he has learned life lessons so he is better equipped to give me advice...

I want so desperately to believe that he's a good person and isn't doing all this crap deliberately and if I get him to go along to therapy maybe he'll realize what he has been doing and work on doing better. I know I have toxic traits of my own so I am not 100% innocent in our issues, but I don't want to have those traits so I am working on that and hopefully therapy will help with that as well.

I am still wanting to stay in the relationship, but now I am worried if I stay, will he start treating the kids the same way? I don't think I could forgive him if he starts in on the kids.

[square]

Don't mention PD to him in any form. Not behaviors, traits, don't mention it at any point.

[Hathor]

Don't mention PD to him in any form. Not behaviors, traits, don't mention it at any point.

So definitely don't bring him with to therapy if I plan on talking about PD behaviors being a concern?

[square]

If you do therapy with him, my strong recommendation is that you do not mention PD in his presence. I also recommend not using terms like "gaslighting" or "projection" or whatever. Just use simple language, like "I feel like when there is a crisis, the priority is blaming me rather than trying to find a solution" or "I've experienced being told something very clearly and then having it denied later."

But I actually would even suggest you not linger on that and just try to focus on moving forward: "We often have conflict around such and such a situation. How can we better resolve that in the future?" And not relitigating the past.

I understand that you are struggling with what has happened. But I'd frame it as "I need to feel like I can depend on you moving forward" or similar rather than "you did this and that and that." I know the past is relevant and you will mention it, but the emphasis needs to be on going forward.

I am very sorry for your loss.

[Hathor]

@square
That is very helpful, thank you.

[1footouttadefog]

So sorry you are going through this loss.  I had a miscarriage between my two daughters who are 4 years apart.

The miscarriage was quite early on in the pregnancy
  Like 10-11 weeks of development and I miscarried around 12 weeks.  I remember telling my H that I did not feel pregnant anymore and wondered if I would miscarry.  I felt the hormones change.  I was a cell biology and genetics major and knew that like 1/8 pregnancies don't make it and many of the reasons why.  That helped me process it while I waited for the other shoe to drop.

Sure enough I lost the pregnancy. I caught the fetus and took it to the doctor visit / hospital.  They did a sonogram to see of the entire placenta has dislodged etc and told me what to look for and how to care for myself H was with me.

In our case it was H that had the hardest time processing the loss.  I had mixed feelings and wondered at times if he blamed me and was staying on the topic to guilt me or something. I kept this thought to myself, but knew that I ate perfectly and did all they recommend and exercised and hydrated and avoided chemicals etc etc etc. 

I tried to reassure him that nature knows best and that that Baby would be in heaven when we get there some day.  It brings me comfort to think that he and the kids and I will have a child waiting there for us to meet and get to know.  Imagine growing up in heaven. I ponder if there will be personality traits or mannerisms that were genetic and not nurture, that we will recognize as part of our family traits. 

We eventually healed from the loss.  It just took him longer. 

Your feelings are yours and you should feel free to process them at your pace and not his.  Of you are unhappy with your progress then indeed therapy is a good idea.  If it were me I would go alone at first.  Especially if you suspect he has a personality disorder. 

A therapist should be able to help you sort what may be two separate but overlapping issues. The loss of a child, and the fact that this episode might have opened your eyes to other issues regarding your relationship.

Prioritize your self care and physical and emotional healing.  Your husband will be there to deal with in the mean time.  Be sure to sleep and eat well, as sleep deprivation intensifies emotions and makes us vulnerable. 

I hope you find the healing you need.  Grief is a real and intense thing.  You might be grieving more than the loss of the child. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your child, Hathor. The way your husband is treating you is not okay, and I agree you have layers upon layers of grief here. You are allowed to be gentle with yourself and take them one at a time. There are patterns here which go before this immediate and huge grief of losing your baby, and they are not quick to fix.

I hope you have a good therapy appointment.

If it's helpful, I have had two miscarriages and was underwhelmed by my own DH's level of compassion especially with the first. We have been able to build up from there, but it's been a long road (17 years farther down it) and things are still not where I would hope although improving. We both come from PD families and we learned to accept bad treatment and never learned what caring relationships look like, despite having good intentions. We are figuring it out but it's a very slow and often frustrating and grief-triggering process. Whichever path up that mountain you take with your marriage, it's wise to take time to steady yourself and regroup at the base camp. It's okay not to know yet. I believe you are right that these major events in our lives can serve as signals to us. That's certainly been my life experience. You'll be in my prayers, Hathor.

[1footouttadefog]

[quote Whichever path up that mountain you take with your marriage,  regroup at the base camp. It's okay not to know yet.
[/quote]

Yes, this