Why domestic violence victims don't leave

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delilah

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #20 on: June 03, 2013, 01:31:35 AM »
Dangerous? I just don't know. I'm afraid to find out. Mostly, he threatens to harm himself but who knows how far a psychotic drunken rage might go. Then again,  he's 60+ days sober and he's really committed to AA. I think only time will tell. It's early in recovery. Yes, I've been to Alanon. Must get back on my program. I'm trying to get out of the r'ship without triggering a relapse. I hope he has the support he needs. It's going to be hard as I know he will feel abandoned and alone. Ugh, so sad.

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ellenbee

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #21 on: June 05, 2013, 08:55:04 PM »
Honestly Deliiah, I hear everything you are saying. It is exactly what I said in the same situation. They try to make efforts to improve. My bf started T and things seemed to be going ok until I guess the T tried to properly get into stuff and suddenly he didn't like T anymore. He blamed the T. He made his mother come to T and said the T tried to blame everything on her. He also said the T told him that I had no right to say he was abusive when he had never actually hit me.
At that point he hadn't actually struck me with his hand, that came later, but "T" ie the BF felt that pushing me to the ground, pulling my hair, kicking me, pinching me, shouting in my face, locking me into my flat and smashing my phone so I couldn't call for help, all these things were not abusive. And you know what? I went along with it, cos he wasn't so bad after all was he?
I am speaking from the heart, you said yourself you need to look at everything now as if it were happening to a child, or your sister or best friend or mother, whoever.
You know in your heart this relationship is not right. I think I can speak on behalf of most domestic violence survivors that it never just happens the one time. It may take some time for the next episode but I can lay money on it, it WILL happen again. You deserve better. You deserve better than him, even if you don't realise that right now. You will be happy if you leave, not straight away but in time. You will meet someone who does deserve you and who will treat you right, provided you come to accept that this is how you should be treated.
Stop feeling sorry for him. He can only fix himself. He is not your responsibility. Stop carrying all this guilt. Stop wanting to make him better. Stop looking to change him. Start looking at yourself, your needs, your responsibility to yourself and think about the guilt you will feel in 10 years time when you think back to this crazy relationship you refused to end.
I only wish someone had said that to me at the time. No one did. It just got worse. Somehow I found the courage to end it. Best decision of my entire life. I wish you H+H xx

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practicingacceptance

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #22 on: June 05, 2013, 09:14:04 PM »
well said, ellenbee. glad you safe and happy now.

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freetobeme63

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #23 on: June 06, 2013, 01:00:35 AM »
DELILAH YOU NEED TO LEAVE. LISTEN TO EVERYONE HERE. THEY ARE TELLIN YOU THE TRUTH. I KNOW. I WAS WITH A GUY FOR 8 YEARS OF ABUSE OF EVERY KIND. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER. IT GETS WORSE. YOU HAVE NO CHILDREN AND YOUR NOT MARRIED. ALL THE BETTER FOR YOU. JUST LEAVE. YOU CANT HELP HIM AND YOU CANT FIX HIM. LEAVE. SAVE YOURSELF.

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SolarFlare

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #24 on: June 06, 2013, 02:11:10 AM »
Delilah
http://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpress.com/traumatic-bonding/

Trauma bonding....where do you see yourself in that?

:hug:

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tryingtoforget

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #25 on: June 07, 2013, 02:04:41 AM »
Very interesting, I wish this could be shown in schools across the UK as a warning to young girls and boys starting out in life, what to be aware of.
When I was at school 30 years ago these issues were not discussed at all. I had no idea, I think it should be made compulsory viewing.
All forms of abuse should be mentioned, its not just the physical stuff that hurts   :stars:
 

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freetobeme63

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #26 on: June 07, 2013, 02:51:32 AM »
Yah the psychological abuse last longer and hurts more. Physical pain doesn't last that long. There is psychological affect from the physical abuse but to me the abusive words they speak to you stays with you longer and hurts the most.

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Elizabeth Anne

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #27 on: July 02, 2013, 03:53:57 PM »
I also viewed the video but couldn't really apply it to my own circumstances - it could be that I am denial.  I have certainly been emotionally, physically and sometimes physically abused but for some reason I accept it - don't get me wrong I say what I think - if I can be heard and I feel emotionally drained and so upset by it all.  In the past I have just let ago as he emerges into a completely different person and nothing is mentioned of the above and I confess that I forget to for a while until it all starts again - sometimes I have even thought I may have deserved it by disagreeing with him etc.  I am now attempting no contact having been devalued and discarded more times than I can remember - only to be hoovered later with not a mention of what went on before ::)

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rabbithole

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #28 on: August 16, 2013, 05:46:25 AM »
In the case of BPD, though, I think we start thinking, "Well, it's a mental health problem.  He can't help it.  And now he's getting therapy and promising to change."  So that adds to our confusion and our guilt about leaving.


I agree with you.  this was one of the things that kept me in.  And one of the things he used to keep me in.  And blaming me for ....  his dependence on me.  I was the one who had the job, car, means.  I felt bad and guilty thinking about leaving him.  at some level I care what happens, so he used those thing to keep me hooked,  saying things like 'how can you do that to my daughters daddy'  and I also understand he has  isolated himself and alienated himself from his family and others.  The thoughts of what will happen to him go through you head and heart, after all he is a human being too.   But then the behaviour becomes excusable in their perception and they start say and believing that you should know and change the way you are in order to  accommodate the disorders and illnesses they have. 
That is all a huge  trap and just a new way to keep you hooked. 
My partner just seemed to get worse, the more they probed and poked at the psychology of it all and once he had names for what was 'wrong', things just got foggier for me.  the blaming, and NPD type traits just got more prevalent.  And he just got angrier and more focused on what 'I was doing or not doing for and to him' 
 
« Last Edit: August 16, 2013, 06:10:53 AM by rabbithole »

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Frog

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #29 on: August 16, 2013, 09:32:02 PM »
I began to watch this video but after just 1m 30s, Leslie Morgan Steiner stated that, "...millions of women and a few men," fall into this every year.

Really? Are "millions" of women affected and "only a few" men?

My personal experience, as well as the stats I have been able to gather, indicate that domestic violence and abuse is gender neutral. Men are abused as often as women. The reporting is different, however.

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Frog

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #30 on: August 17, 2013, 04:36:47 PM »
p.s. for those who are interested in the true stats, this is a good place to start: http://wordpress.clarku.edu/dhines/

I was a domestic violence victim who did not leave, and even when I did, I kept going back to the abuser. However, as a male, I did not have the choices available to females.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2013, 04:38:25 PM by Frog »

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Aames

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #31 on: August 18, 2013, 05:24:07 AM »
I would definitely agree with you, Frog - that there is - and very probably always has been - a gross under-reporting of / and by the male victims of domestic violence.

The reasons for that under-reporting are myriad, as you no doubt know.  Some lie within society's broad gender bias and general disbelief that men too, can be abused -- some lie deep within the psyches of the male victims themselves, who are faced with additional taboos against reporting, because of flawed, yet deeply ingrained gender roles and expectations.

You are right again, when you say that men currently have far fewer resources available to them (than do women) when seeking ways to escape the hell that is domestic abuse. 

 It's my hope that one day soon, our awareness of, and societal attitudes towards domestic abuse (in all its forms) will evolve to the point where the shame and humiliation that many (most?) victims whether male or female are faced with when finally admitting (to themselves as well as to others) can be far reduced, if not eliminated all together.    And that safe havens and legal resources will be equally available to all victims of domestic violence - regardless of gender, age or orientation.

  I understand how upsetting Ms. Steiner's miss-reporting (or perhaps wrong assumption?)  would be to you.  After all - she inaccurately represented the statistical realities with a broad stroke that unfortunately reinforces the gender bias.   That must have felt dismissive and invalidating of your experience -   Because of that, something that I believe was meant with all good intentions -  to shed light on a difficult subject, and to make victims of domestic abuse feel less isolated - inadvertently had something of the opposite effect on you.

"Don't ever offer up facts for consideration where small minds and angry villagers are concerned. They don't like having their myths busted or their war-parties interrupted."

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Kauri

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #32 on: August 18, 2013, 07:58:12 AM »
It took me a long time to leave, partially because I was geographically very isolated, partly because I thought that if we worked hard enough at the relationship that we could fix it, partly because I was terrified about being able to cope alone financially with 3 small children, and partly because I came from a broken home, and SO MUCH wanted my kids NOT to.

So glad I managed to leave in the end.

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Frog

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #33 on: August 18, 2013, 02:31:23 PM »
Thank you Aames, you're right - however well-intentioned, and valuable, the message was lost on me because of the context in which it was presented (i.e. that male victims make up a minute percentage of the problem).

By presenting DV as a female-only problem, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. There are no places for the men to turn (for a myriad of reasons, as you stated), so they don't, and that perpetuates the myth.

At the time, I picked up a copy of "The Domestic Violence Handbook: A Survivor's Guide" at our local police station, a publication by the California Attorney General. At the very beginning, it advised me to, "Call 911 and say 'My husband hit me!'" and to look for women's shelters in the Yellow Pages. That was years ago. I wonder if they've updated it?

IMHO, presenting DV in a gender-neutral manner, especially by established authorities, would be a tremendous help to the countless male vicitms without affecting the value of the message to all victims. Both the perpetrator and the victim could be male, for example, in a same-sex relation, as could they both be female, or the victim could be a male child hurt by his mother, etc. etc. etc.

Fortunately, I escaped the stock pot (hence "Frog") and am now doing my best to protect my son from our abuser...
« Last Edit: August 18, 2013, 03:03:37 PM by Frog »

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Covergirl

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #34 on: September 09, 2013, 05:14:09 PM »
I'm in an abusive marriage.  I don't leave because I can't afford to.  I lost my health and can't work. I have a trickle of money coming in, which I am saving.  It is not enough to live on.

I went to see a divorce lawyer, and she said to stay as long as I am not in immediate danger, and not to vacate the house if possible. I've called shelters, and none take people with pets.

He's already said if I leave, and leave the pets, he will "put them in the garage, close the door, and run the car until the gas runs out". 

The director/counselor of the DV program said I should take them to the vet and "have them all put to sleep".

All these animals are rehabbed, formerly abused rescues.  I will not abandon them.

This is much harder than it looks.   

If I could work, I would.

It was the abuse that sent me to a doctor, where I said -- I need my hands fixed, so I can work

Which is how I was diagnosed with several progressive autoimmune disease.

I stay because I can't afford to leave, and have no place to go.

If I could, I would already be gone.

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Frog

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #35 on: September 09, 2013, 08:33:10 PM »
Yes, it's more difficult to leave these awful situations when pets are involved. After we separated, my abusive ex called Animal Control and had our beloved Golden Retriever taken to the pound. My ex said he had growled at her, so the poor dog was not likely to be adopted (they have to report that). I "rescued" him from the pound and my partner found him a new and better home.

If a lawyer advised you to stay where you are, you may want to get another opinion.



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ontheroad

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #36 on: November 03, 2013, 10:54:51 AM »
You know- I watched this over a year ago- in my early stages of waking. At the time I identified as a person at risk- I didn't see myself as a woman abused. Denial is so powerful- great 'talk'- clear and complete
"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." 

"Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be."

" Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."

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HoldingStrong

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #37 on: November 04, 2013, 07:36:07 PM »
I am afraid to leave . I don't know where to go. I don't think I can start all over. I'm afraid he will find me. I'm afraid he may do something to my children. I'm not afraid financially anymore because I know I could find work elsewhere. I'm afraid he will tell my children horrendous lies although I really doubt they would believe him. They know he is a liar. I'm afraid I will become depressed to the point I can't function again. Most of all I would feel so ashamed because I have failed my marriage and no one will understand the significance of the bpd. I'm afraid I will feel so all alone. I'm afraid I will hurt my SO so badly he may kill himself and I will be blamed.

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contorted willow

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #38 on: December 30, 2013, 10:24:03 PM »
Hi all,

I haven't watched the video mainly because I am a survivor of domestic violence myself and have reasons why I stayed in the relationship for 6 years. These are my reasons and others will have different ones.

I have Complex-PTSD starting with my mother and then accumulating low self esteem over the years. This set me up for future abuse. I fell for my 1st husband because he seemed to care about me and in the first year he only ever got angry but did not strike me.
As time went on and pressure mounted and children started to be born the man was not up to the challenge and as he became more inadequate he took his frustration out on me.
Everything was my fault and I could do nothing right - he became increasingly violent and I saw my mother in him and as I was tied to her before, then I became tied to him.
He stripped me of any individual identity and I was only allowed to wear clothes suitable for a mother, I was not allowed to wear make up - that was for young single ladies and not for married women. I was not allowed to talk to men and had to ask permission for everything.
I became his slave in and out of the bedroom and he didn't even bother to hide the fact that he had no respect for me and in turn, I had no respect for me either.

If I told people he hit me, that would mean I would have to admit I was not loved by the very man that should love me. I was also unable to tell people when I was a child that my mother did not love me because I would have to admit that the woman who should love me the most did not love me and there you have it. In my mind I was completely unlovable. Shame keeps you from leaving in my opinion.

How could you leave and go where? When in your mind you are worthless. A piece of crap and not even your own mother or husband loves you. How or where will you get support? You have no trust in people because these people who are supposed to love you DON'T so why would you expect a stranger on the end of a phone to help?

I was beaten when 26 weeks pregnant and admitted to hospital they did not expect the baby to survive, but he did - the bruises on my face in the shape of fingers set alarm bells ringing and social services were called to take my two toddlers away - the police asked me about bruises to my back, knees, arms and face and still I said nothing. I was a robot, I only knew how to comply. When asked what I thought I was empty and had nothing to say.

Because I was dead inside.

The best thing I ever did was leave and divorce that pig, that poor excuse of a man. I was a coward though he was sent to prison for a fraud offense and I saw my chance and took it  ;D

In Lak'ech Ala K'in

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whirlpool

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #39 on: January 14, 2014, 08:22:29 PM »
Wow, Contorted Willow you list every reason so beautifully, that is quite a talent with such an ugly subject.

If I told people he hit me, that would mean I would have to admit I was not loved by the very man that should love me. I was also unable to tell people when I was a child that my mother did not love me because I would have to admit that the woman who should love me the most did not love me and there you have it. In my mind I was completely unlovable. Shame keeps you from leaving in my opinion.

How could you leave and go where? When in your mind you are worthless. A piece of crap and not even your own mother or husband loves you. How or where will you get support? You have no trust in people because these people who are supposed to love you DON'T so why would you expect a stranger on the end of a phone to help?

I could say all that for sure.

I don't leave.  I wasn't wanted by either of my parents after they divorced (my Dad was convicted of fraud coincidentally, although that was after the divorce).

I'm terrified of taking such an irrevocable step as leaving when there is no guarantee that it would improve anyone's life.  If I leave he will become as self destructive as he was before and he doesn't give other people a second thought, it would be so much effort to move house and I'm so tired.  An ongoing physical problem of mine was recently diagnosed as a degenerative disability, so I am limited in employment options, I need to pass some more exams and I'm working on it. 

I don't think I would be happy alone either, I would feel shamed and I wouldn't bring another man into my children's lives (bad experiences myself as a child).  Even on this forum, I have talked about my FOO and had replies which told me I had a loving SO so forget my FOO.  Even then I didn't say "well actually loving and supportive aren't how I'd describe him".  There is only so much I can talk about at one time. 

I know my SO would be the worst kind of ex to have, he would make my life hell and use our children to get at me.  How can that be better for them?

I have spent years "managing" him.  He is ok 80% of the time, 20% he is threatening, but hasn't hit me properly in years.  I am scared and quickly back down before he starts breaking things, or me.  If I left we would have no money, no home and an angry man on the warpath.  I have stayed 17 years longer than I would have stayed if I weren't afraid of the consequences of leaving.