Why domestic violence victims don't leave

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azztaj

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #40 on: February 03, 2014, 08:01:41 AM »
After watching this, I have a sense of peace cause I am not alone. I am in the process of getting out or I should say been told to get out. This has happened over and over again. I know from the past Its not over, not yet. Scared yes. I have in the last few days starting to opened up to friends and family. I am so grateful for this site.

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mylifeismyownagain

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #41 on: February 21, 2014, 02:44:10 PM »
I watched this video a while ago....it is GREAT!!!!!

Just a thought on people who have never experienced DV's perceptions:

Why do you ask "Why doesn't she leave?"
Why don't you ask" Why won't he let her go?"

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rosie

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #42 on: March 05, 2014, 01:03:34 PM »

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Nicholas

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #43 on: March 05, 2014, 10:31:36 PM »
Interesting video. I wish I 'd caught it sooner.

The symptoms, for lack of a better word, exist in all types of relationships and by all genders. In my own case the physical violence wasn't as pervasive - it happened once or twice a year, and most of the abuse was verbal or psychological. A great many of the other things she describes did happen; separation from family, isolation in the abuser's world, blaming me when violence did erupt. At one point, the ex talked of buying a gun. That was the one thing I stood my ground on and refused to let one come into the house because I was terrified that it would be used against me.

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graceandmercy

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #44 on: March 17, 2014, 08:02:32 PM »
Everyone has written great stuff here, I also want to agree with, that even after you have left, you still are subject to the abuse. I personally have watched her escalate from emotional to now include her getting physical and brining others along to tend to her dirty work. She's even incorporated others into helping with the verbal..
If I had enough money I'd move to South America, but I'm stuck where I am praying she finds something else to focus on.

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emca

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #45 on: June 16, 2014, 10:42:01 PM »
yep I agree with another poster that the unspoken / unheard of victim. The men. In my case, I spoke to the police, my doctor and a counsellor. I told them of the emotional and sometimes physical abuse. No-one told me I was the victim of domestic violence and the best I was offered was some marriage counselling and some prozac...

2 yrs on and the abuse was still happening, cops still not interested, the kids were suffering and me too... Eventually I spoke to a domestic violence liason officer. When she offered me victims of crime counselling and said I was a victim of DV I burst into tears...
Why do some people stay in violent relationships? because as a society we dont acknowledge that a huge portion of the victims are told they cant be victims they can only be perpetrators...
http://www.oneinthree.com.au/
The link is for an online campaign regarding men as victims.
cheers
eamon

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NeedingAnswers

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #46 on: September 17, 2014, 02:27:59 PM »
In my own case the physical violence wasn't as pervasive - most of the abuse was verbal or psychological. A great many of the other things she describes did happen; separation from family, isolation in the abuser's world, blaming me when violence did erupt. At one point, the ex talked of buying a gun. That was the one thing I stood my ground on and refused to let one come into the house because I was terrified that it would be used against me.

Nicholas, I edited the above quote (rmoving some of what you had in it and now it could be me writing it.

I never thought of all that has been happening in my marriage as abuse (honestly I still can't grasp it as that) but the one thing I have stood firm on is not bringing a gun into our house. (There was a shotgun here when I moved in and I didn't know it. Step son came to get it to go shooting and then my uNPD/ASPDH started talking about we should get a gun for protection  :no: (from what we live in the country and the neighbors we do have look out for each other)  :unsure:  He still brings it up about once a month and it's been over a year and a half since the shot gun left the house.
*The longer life goes on, the more pain I endure the stronger I become.
*The more I have been hurt the more I've learned to love others and have compassion.
*Yes I get tired and sometimes even yell, yes I have bad days or even weeks but I Thank God He is always here with me, helping me.

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Nicholas

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #47 on: September 17, 2014, 05:14:58 PM »
In my own case the physical violence wasn't as pervasive - most of the abuse was verbal or psychological. A great many of the other things she describes did happen; separation from family, isolation in the abuser's world, blaming me when violence did erupt. At one point, the ex talked of buying a gun. That was the one thing I stood my ground on and refused to let one come into the house because I was terrified that it would be used against me.

Nicholas, I edited the above quote (rmoving some of what you had in it and now it could be me writing it.

I never thought of all that has been happening in my marriage as abuse (honestly I still can't grasp it as that) but the one thing I have stood firm on is not bringing a gun into our house. (There was a shotgun here when I moved in and I didn't know it. Step son came to get it to go shooting and then my uNPD/ASPDH started talking about we should get a gun for protection  :no: (from what we live in the country and the neighbors we do have look out for each other)  :unsure:  He still brings it up about once a month and it's been over a year and a half since the shot gun left the house.

It took me a long time for me to really recognize what I was going through as abuse. When my NPD talked about getting a gun, my first thought was that it would be used on me. I can't imagine what a healthy relationship would be like at this point. They really do a good job of making the abnormal seem normal.

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NeedingAnswers

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #48 on: September 17, 2014, 08:50:25 PM »
"I can't imagine what a healthy relationship would be like at this point. They really do a good job of making the abnormal seem normal."

Nicholas:yeahthat: sad and true
*The longer life goes on, the more pain I endure the stronger I become.
*The more I have been hurt the more I've learned to love others and have compassion.
*Yes I get tired and sometimes even yell, yes I have bad days or even weeks but I Thank God He is always here with me, helping me.

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JohnnyBoy

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #49 on: September 27, 2014, 06:52:57 PM »
My ex used isolation and manipulation. Honestly the only reason I got out was because her buildings management made me leave then she decided to break up. She had me 2 states away from my friends and family..thats when the fun really began. When ever I got paid...she would take my wallet and money, we moved at least four separate times, and she would never pack anything...so I lost so many physical possesions(clothes, cds, whatnot). Sadly most of my family has the attitude of "Its your problem, you deal with it" The police in her town are on her side. And lastly of course she groomed me so well with the ever popular statements of..everybody hates you, they all know how worthless you are, your a worthless piece of shit, you need me to keep you in line, etc. She would hit me in front of her friends and they would laugh about how well she "kept my in line" "how she showed me who was boss". I got to where I honestly didn't think I could function without her, that I couldn't think for myself. And she did make threats to my safety many if I ever left. She and her sister on several occasions physical restrained me from leaving...in desperation once I very nearly killed myself by trying to climb off the balcony..it was 3 stories up and I was way to short to reach the next one.

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NeedingAnswers

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #50 on: October 01, 2014, 10:27:07 AM »
My ex used isolation and manipulation....  She had me 2 states away from my friends and family..thats when the fun really began. When ever I got paid...she would take my wallet and money, ...so I lost so many physical possesions(clothes, cds, whatnot)....  And lastly of course she groomed me so well with the ever popular statements of..everybody hates you,..  you need me to keep you ... I got to where I honestly didn't think I could function without her, that I couldn't think for myself. And she did make threats to my safety.
JohnnyBoy, I'm sorry  :( I wish you didn't have to go through all that you did.  :(  :hug:

I edited the quote above to fit some of what I have been through and what has been said and it is amazing to me how alike things are in these lives we live/have lived with PD relationships. I am getting out tomorrow Thank God! Nervous but ready!!! Please keep my DD, dog & I in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you.
*The longer life goes on, the more pain I endure the stronger I become.
*The more I have been hurt the more I've learned to love others and have compassion.
*Yes I get tired and sometimes even yell, yes I have bad days or even weeks but I Thank God He is always here with me, helping me.

*

SAN2014

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #51 on: October 03, 2014, 09:40:31 AM »
Let's not forget the disabled, and sick, some of us were trapped for insurance reasons, life saving medications being disrupted and the tool of that needs to be discussed. Many disabled people cannot get out for a multitude of reasons, and having the your mate be the insurance holder of a policy that is the abuser eliminates any possibility for the victim to get out. They have the key to your life saving medication.

This happened to me and I was trapped for years, but I got out.  :D

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JohnnyBoy

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #52 on: October 05, 2014, 04:01:56 AM »
I clicked on that oneinthree site and watched acouple videos....I almost cried...that's exactly the responses I get and still get from even my own family...I was somehow at fault or why do I put up with it. And seeing the whole you go girl attitude again was just to much.
My ex actually had an old lady come up to her after she had screamed and cussed me out in a store and I walked away who told her that my walking away was a sign that I was going to be a wifebeater...wtf?

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JohnnyBoy

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #53 on: October 06, 2014, 03:59:32 AM »
*The longer life goes on, the more pain I endure the stronger I become.
*The more I have been hurt the more I've learned to love others and have compassion.
*Yes I get tired and sometimes even yell, yes I have bad days or even weeks but I Thank God He is always here with me, helping me.

Love Your Quotes Needing...so very true.

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NeedingAnswers

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #54 on: October 10, 2014, 05:36:37 PM »
Well I got out last Thurs. and I came back this Tues. I know some of you won't understand it but I learned so much in the last week.

I really don't believe God is done with this marriage and neither am I. I know my H is suffering with PD and I have seen it time and again. He doesn't want to be like this. He wants it to stop but he doesn't know how and he isn't going to go to counseling so I am going to have to learn what I can and become the wife God would have me be to him.

No this isn't easy and no I don't have to God would forgive me for leaving him and divorcing him but it isn't what God wants for us. I am learning what PD my H is suffering with and what triggers him. I am also starting to take some time for me to do things I like, need and enjoy. :)

I am learning how to stop and go the other direction when my H is having times of ranting or starting to rage. I am learning I don't have to stay in it, I can walk away and my H has asked even begged me to PLEASE PLEASE when you know I am getting upset Please walk away, leave the room, leave the house if you need to so it will stop. I didn't know how to do that before but I am learning :) Praise God I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me and yes I sure am growing!

I know not everyone can stay and some can't get out that want and need to and I pray for them and hope they will. I hope however that those who are reading this will be encouraged that God is still able to help those who want to stay and reach to Him for strength and wisdom.

Big hugs to all of you  :bighug:
*The longer life goes on, the more pain I endure the stronger I become.
*The more I have been hurt the more I've learned to love others and have compassion.
*Yes I get tired and sometimes even yell, yes I have bad days or even weeks but I Thank God He is always here with me, helping me.

*

JohnnyBoy

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #55 on: October 13, 2014, 12:33:01 AM »
My ex would chase me down the street screaming the whole time. Most times she would have her sis with her.

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NervousScared

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #56 on: October 27, 2014, 11:50:56 AM »
I viewed my situation as being with a troubled man as well. My Ex and I meet in 2003. He was just in a terrible car accident. He had previously left a job to start his own business. The car accident ruined his back and he was unable to work. For years we struggled. He would do odd jobs here and there to make ends meet. He was never fully responsible with bills, rent, and other financial obligations. We always stayed in places that we did not have to pay rent. He was fixing up a house for a lady when we met and we were staying there. I was working full time and he was always under the impression he was going to get a big settlement from the car accident he was in. He began to limit my time with family and friends. He made it so we were always together. That's how you are when you are in love. One night I was at my parent's home and there was a real bad snow storm. I told him I was going to stay the night because the roads were bad. He told me he loved me and would miss me. About two hours later he arrived to pick me up. I was so happy and felt that he rescued me. He made it appear this way as he told me he could not spend a night without me and that he had to drive out to get me. It seems silly now, it was just a snow storm. He knew I hated driving in that weather and that he felt the need to get me because he knew I did not truly want to spend the night at my parent's. He started to take away my decisions on what to do, what we were to eat, who I could talk to. If I said something to someone he felt was not appropriate, I heard about it all night. I began to feel my self-esteem getting worse and worse. My confidence started wavering in my decisions. I could tell some of the things going on were not right but I just felt I had to fix it. I had to fix myself, him, and our lives. He was broken and the more I knew him the more I wanted to fix him. I could tell he had little faith in women and had many issues with his Mom and previous girlfriends. I wanted him to see that not all women were like this, that I was not like that. I was not a cheater and I did what was expected of me. I see now how my constant need to prove to him that women were not bad enabled him to treat me this way. To change me to what he wanted me to be. We were married 3 years later after meeting. We had our first child in 2006. A month later, I was pregnant with our second child. A few weeks after having our first child he began pressuring me to have sex. Knowing we couldn't and that I was in a lot of discomfort and pain still from having our son, he did not take no. He said the only way he could feel close to me was to have sex and that he felt we were not close anymore. He did end up raping me. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I could not get him to stop. How could he not see the pain I was in and just respect me to wait. We had so many problems that seemed to escalate after the birth of our son. I was still working and he was going to just be a stay-at-home Dad. I stayed up with our son, worked, and still had to do household duties. I had to often tend to him before I could see my son when I got home from work. I worked odd hours from 7:30 a.m. to close to 7:30 p.m. as I worked in a Veterinary Hospital. I was on call weekends as well on a rotation. When I would come back home from working I was always accused of having an affair. One time during a fight, I just locked myself in the bathroom to take a shower and he kicked the door down and said I was a lousy wife and mother. I could not keep him happy, I was cheating on him, I was a terrible mother and housekeeper. I just broke down and kept crying listening to him knowing I needed to leave but so afraid. I was not confident anymore and I began to feel like I couldn't make it without him. I know see how my past and his behavior allowed me to stay with him. I see now that I was in an abusive relationship and I can see how the warnings were there. I just tried my hardest to be a better wife and mother. I had to make it work. We were a family and you can't just break one up. Besides, these incidents were, in the beginning, few and far in between. When he was happy we were all so happy. If he was upset it was because I did something wrong and I had to fix it.

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JohnnyBoy

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #57 on: October 27, 2014, 03:59:15 PM »
I viewed my situation as being with a troubled man as well. My Ex and I meet in 2003. He was just in a terrible car accident. He had previously left a job to start his own business. The car accident ruined his back and he was unable to work. For years we struggled. He would do odd jobs here and there to make ends meet. He was never fully responsible with bills, rent, and other financial obligations. We always stayed in places that we did not have to pay rent. He was fixing up a house for a lady when we met and we were staying there. I was working full time and he was always under the impression he was going to get a big settlement from the car accident he was in. He began to limit my time with family and friends. He made it so we were always together. That's how you are when you are in love. One night I was at my parent's home and there was a real bad snow storm. I told him I was going to stay the night because the roads were bad. He told me he loved me and would miss me. About two hours later he arrived to pick me up. I was so happy and felt that he rescued me. He made it appear this way as he told me he could not spend a night without me and that he had to drive out to get me. It seems silly now, it was just a snow storm. He knew I hated driving in that weather and that he felt the need to get me because he knew I did not truly want to spend the night at my parent's. He started to take away my decisions on what to do, what we were to eat, who I could talk to. If I said something to someone he felt was not appropriate, I heard about it all night. I began to feel my self-esteem getting worse and worse. My confidence started wavering in my decisions. I could tell some of the things going on were not right but I just felt I had to fix it. I had to fix myself, him, and our lives. He was broken and the more I knew him the more I wanted to fix him. I could tell he had little faith in women and had many issues with his Mom and previous girlfriends. I wanted him to see that not all women were like this, that I was not like that. I was not a cheater and I did what was expected of me. I see now how my constant need to prove to him that women were not bad enabled him to treat me this way. To change me to what he wanted me to be. We were married 3 years later after meeting. We had our first child in 2006. A month later, I was pregnant with our second child. A few weeks after having our first child he began pressuring me to have sex. Knowing we couldn't and that I was in a lot of discomfort and pain still from having our son, he did not take no. He said the only way he could feel close to me was to have sex and that he felt we were not close anymore. He did end up raping me. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I could not get him to stop. How could he not see the pain I was in and just respect me to wait. We had so many problems that seemed to escalate after the birth of our son. I was still working and he was going to just be a stay-at-home Dad. I stayed up with our son, worked, and still had to do household duties. I had to often tend to him before I could see my son when I got home from work. I worked odd hours from 7:30 a.m. to close to 7:30 p.m. as I worked in a Veterinary Hospital. I was on call weekends as well on a rotation. When I would come back home from working I was always accused of having an affair. One time during a fight, I just locked myself in the bathroom to take a shower and he kicked the door down and said I was a lousy wife and mother. I could not keep him happy, I was cheating on him, I was a terrible mother and housekeeper. I just broke down and kept crying listening to him knowing I needed to leave but so afraid. I was not confident anymore and I began to feel like I couldn't make it without him. I know see how my past and his behavior allowed me to stay with him. I see now that I was in an abusive relationship and I can see how the warnings were there. I just tried my hardest to be a better wife and mother. I had to make it work. We were a family and you can't just break one up. Besides, these incidents were, in the beginning, few and far in between. When he was happy we were all so happy. If he was upset it was because I did something wrong and I had to fix it.

That word could be my story word for word just changing the genders around and excluding acouple points.

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NeedingAnswers

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #58 on: October 28, 2014, 02:32:31 PM »
I viewed my situation as being with a troubled man as well. My Ex and I meet in 2003. He was just in a terrible car accident. He had previously left a job to start his own business. The car accident ruined his back and he was unable to work. For years we struggled. He would do odd jobs here and there to make ends meet. He was never fully responsible with bills, rent, and other financial obligations. We always stayed in places that we did not have to pay rent. He was fixing up a house for a lady when we met and we were staying there. I was working full time and he was always under the impression he was going to get a big settlement from the car accident he was in. He began to limit my time with family and friends. He made it so we were always together. That's how you are when you are in love. One night I was at my parent's home and there was a real bad snow storm. I told him I was going to stay the night because the roads were bad. He told me he loved me and would miss me. About two hours later he arrived to pick me up. I was so happy and felt that he rescued me. He made it appear this way as he told me he could not spend a night without me and that he had to drive out to get me. It seems silly now, it was just a snow storm. He knew I hated driving in that weather and that he felt the need to get me because he knew I did not truly want to spend the night at my parent's. He started to take away my decisions on what to do, what we were to eat, who I could talk to. If I said something to someone he felt was not appropriate, I heard about it all night. I began to feel my self-esteem getting worse and worse. My confidence started wavering in my decisions. I could tell some of the things going on were not right but I just felt I had to fix it. I had to fix myself, him, and our lives. He was broken and the more I knew him the more I wanted to fix him. I could tell he had little faith in women and had many issues with his Mom and previous girlfriends. I wanted him to see that not all women were like this, that I was not like that. I was not a cheater and I did what was expected of me. I see now how my constant need to prove to him that women were not bad enabled him to treat me this way. To change me to what he wanted me to be. We were married 3 years later after meeting. We had our first child in 2006. A month later, I was pregnant with our second child. A few weeks after having our first child he began pressuring me to have sex. Knowing we couldn't and that I was in a lot of discomfort and pain still from having our son, he did not take no. He said the only way he could feel close to me was to have sex and that he felt we were not close anymore. He did end up raping me. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I could not get him to stop. How could he not see the pain I was in and just respect me to wait. We had so many problems that seemed to escalate after the birth of our son. I was still working and he was going to just be a stay-at-home Dad. I stayed up with our son, worked, and still had to do household duties. I had to often tend to him before I could see my son when I got home from work. I worked odd hours from 7:30 a.m. to close to 7:30 p.m. as I worked in a Veterinary Hospital. I was on call weekends as well on a rotation. When I would come back home from working I was always accused of having an affair. One time during a fight, I just locked myself in the bathroom to take a shower and he kicked the door down and said I was a lousy wife and mother. I could not keep him happy, I was cheating on him, I was a terrible mother and housekeeper. I just broke down and kept crying listening to him knowing I needed to leave but so afraid. I was not confident anymore and I began to feel like I couldn't make it without him. I know see how my past and his behavior allowed me to stay with him. I see now that I was in an abusive relationship and I can see how the warnings were there. I just tried my hardest to be a better wife and mother. I had to make it work. We were a family and you can't just break one up. Besides, these incidents were, in the beginning, few and far in between. When he was happy we were all so happy. If he was upset it was because I did something wrong and I had to fix it.

That word could be my story word for word just changing the genders around and excluding acouple points.
NervousScared and JohnnyBoy, This could be my story too except it has only been 3 years and I don't have children with him I have one of my own that lives with us and his children are with his ex. It is unsettling to see the points that are sooo close to home for me "He began to limit my time with family and friends. He made it so we were always together. That's how you are when you are in love." and " He started to take away my decisions on what to do, what we were to eat, who I could talk to. If I said something to someone he felt was not appropriate, I heard about it all night. I began to feel my self-esteem getting worse and worse. My confidence started wavering in my decisions. I could tell some of the things going on were not right but I just felt I had to fix it. I had to fix myself, him, and our lives. He was broken and the more I knew him the more I wanted to fix him. I could tell he had little faith in women and had many issues with his Mom and previous girlfriends (AND EX WIFE). I wanted him to see that not all women were like this, that I was not like that. I was not a cheater and I did what was expected of me. I see now how my constant need to prove to him that women were not bad enabled him to treat me this way. To change me to what he wanted me to be. We are married 3 years.

 :aaauuugh: :stars: :no:
*The longer life goes on, the more pain I endure the stronger I become.
*The more I have been hurt the more I've learned to love others and have compassion.
*Yes I get tired and sometimes even yell, yes I have bad days or even weeks but I Thank God He is always here with me, helping me.

*

1Brightnight

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Re: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
« Reply #59 on: November 02, 2014, 04:47:01 AM »
I STOPPED being a "victim" the day I walked in the nursery and saw my ex-NPD children's father shaking one of my weeks-old twins in the crib. Whupped the shit utta his ass!! Became a fierce protector, a 'bad ass' in that second, in that instant!! In that moment....it was either me, or him! And, it damn sure wasn't going to be me!! Had my babies to live for! Bet your ass he NEVER laid hands on me again! They're really cowards when you stand up to them..
« Last Edit: November 02, 2014, 04:50:57 AM by 1Brightnight »