Toddler's Injuries Induce Rages

[Codeep]

Our daughter fell down the stairs and landed on her head tonight while I was talking to my mom on the phone. All my fault (he says).  She is almost four so its not like she needs to be supervised walking down the 7 stairs in our split level.  Big forehead bump which was really painful but my NPD H flew into a rage.  He had no ability to comfort our child and distracted me from the job of taking care of her by verbally attacking me and screaming at the top of his lungs.  I am sick to my stomach from it.  I almost feel like forcing myself to vomit to get some sort of release from the horrible lump this created in the bottom of my stomach.  At least it seems the worst if over for our child.  Older child was pretty traumatized too of course.  How did I allow this situation to develop (marry this guy and have kids with him)?????

[polcan94]

how is your younger daughter coping? I hope she is ok and i hope your other daughter and you are ok

You didn't deserve to have your husband yelling at you like that. You didn't do anything to cause it. Its not your fault he is that way...

I hope you and your daughters will recover and be alright

[Codeep]

The egg is painful only to touch this morning and she is off to school.  I am not surprisingly not speaking to my brain defective husband and he is (more surprisingly but really not unexpectedly) not speaking to me.  We have, of course, cancelled our date night.  If he boosts his spirit back up, I'm pretty sure he has a date with a hooker tonight anyway.  Only $100/hr because they are just doing an outcall.  Not sure why he agreed to date night in the first place.  He will not apologize.  He never does.  I am determined to insist on a joint visit to his psychiatrist.  I am lucky that he has one and takes meds but the doc could do better but probably needs more information.  I want out but don't think I can truly get out until my kids are older. My best friend is going through a separation with a brain disordered H right now and that is a real nightmare with no end in sight.

[polcan94]

The egg is painful only to touch this morning and she is off to school.  I am not surprisingly not speaking to my brain defective husband and he is (more surprisingly but really not unexpectedly) not speaking to me.  We have, of course, cancelled our date night.  If he boosts his spirit back up, I'm pretty sure he has a date with a hooker tonight anyway.  Only $100/hr because they are just doing an outcall.  Not sure why he agreed to date night in the first place.  He will not apologize.  He never does.  I am determined to insist on a joint visit to his psychiatrist.  I am lucky that he has one and takes meds but the doc could do better but probably needs more information.  I want out but don't think I can truly get out until my kids are older. My best friend is going through a separation with a brain disordered H right now and that is a real nightmare with no end in sight.

hope your daughter will get better

How old are your kids? Do you want to get out? Have you ever thought about divorcing your husband?

Did he ever cheat on you?

Whats happening with the best friend? Whats going on with the divorce?

Have you ever taken therapy before? How is your husband doing with the psychiatrist? Have you ever taken couples counselling with him?

[Codeep]

1. Kids are still young. 

2.  I don't exactly want out.  I want change. I want my husband to not rage and I also don't want him to have sex with other people.  I want him to not be sick.  I know that isn't really possible but his brother who was very much the same as him just died and his wife is relieved that she no longer has to live her life with him as a partner.  It was a sudden death and she is feeling really guilty for being happy he is dead.   I am often content with my life and not very motivated to change it.  For example, I like my financial security and don't want to split up our nest egg and also don't want to deal with sharing custody of my kids.  I work and my life at work is largely unaffected by him.

3.  See number two above.  As far as I know he cheats on me a couple of times a month.  I don't know how long he has been doing it consistently but I think the consistency of it is relatively new but he now rarely asks for sex so that is a bonus.

4.  Best friend's husband just yells at her all the time and doesn't talk about fixing things just blames her and creates chaos in her life and that of her kids.

5. Lots of therapy.  Not too much recently.  With a new therapist (saw her twice) she really encouraged me to leave him and I haven't been back.  H's shrink is an enabler but at least keeps in on his anti-psychotics. Couples counseling sucks because he just manipulates the situation.  I refuse to go.

Thanks for all your questions.  Last night the dude (H) flew off the handle because we had the carpets cleaned and a pair of his reading glasses went missing.  They had been knocked to the floor (i, of course, found them this morning) but you should have heard all the stupid things he said about not being able to find a $20 pair of reading glasses.

[polcan94]

1. Kids are still young. 

2.  I don't exactly want out.  I want change. I want my husband to not rage and I also don't want him to have sex with other people.  I want him to not be sick.  I know that isn't really possible but his brother who was very much the same as him just died and his wife is relieved that she no longer has to live her life with him as a partner.  It was a sudden death and she is feeling really guilty for being happy he is dead.   I am often content with my life and not very motivated to change it.  For example, I like my financial security and don't want to split up our nest egg and also don't want to deal with sharing custody of my kids.  I work and my life at work is largely unaffected by him.

3.  See number two above.  As far as I know he cheats on me a couple of times a month.  I don't know how long he has been doing it consistently but I think the consistency of it is relatively new but he now rarely asks for sex so that is a bonus.

4.  Best friend's husband just yells at her all the time and doesn't talk about fixing things just blames her and creates chaos in her life and that of her kids.

5. Lots of therapy.  Not too much recently.  With a new therapist (saw her twice) she really encouraged me to leave him and I haven't been back.  H's shrink is an enabler but at least keeps in on his anti-psychotics. Couples counseling sucks because he just manipulates the situation.  I refuse to go.

Thanks for all your questions.  Last night the dude (H) flew off the handle because we had the carpets cleaned and a pair of his reading glasses went missing.  They had been knocked to the floor (i, of course, found them this morning) but you should have heard all the stupid things he said about not being able to find a $20 pair of reading glasses.

[lobster777]

I have felt that vomit feeling too - like you want to throw up everything that happened.

Your child getting hurt probably triggered anxieties on his part.  That happened with my husband too.

[underabus]

Codeep..I understand your wanting change rather than out.  But at some point, and forgive me for being so blunt, you're going to have to get over it.  It's not going to change.  Ever.   Period.  No amount of therapy for you or him is going to ever ever change it.   Ever.   I may make some people here upset with me for being so rude, but I was where you are now.   I used those same phrases, "Not really possible" to acknowlege he won't change, but excuse myself from excepting the fact fully.    To acknowledge he wont' change, and accept it as the most honest truth you've ever known in your life means, somehow, at least to me, that He didn't love me enough to change.  That I was not capable of loving him enough, and to admit defeat. 

But then I started realizing what I was teaching my children by staying. I was teaching my daughter to accept being treated this way, and I was teaching my sons to treat people,  treat their mother, their own wives, and their own children this way.   I had to break the cycle.

What I didn't realize at the time was my greatest victory was getting out of that situation and out from under him.   It meant that I was much stronger than he could EVER be, and Loved those children much more than he EVER would. 

[Codeep]

I just reread this advice and I appreciate the bluntness.  Still here setting a bad example for the kids.  I have been open with the kids about his drinking, anxiety and rage (which of course they experience themselves) and I'm struggling with the impact on them (especially the oldest today). 

[Whiteheron]

Ooh. I've been there before. DD was maybe 5 when she was in extreme pain and screaming for me to help. I was trying to calm her down so I could assess what was wrong when stbx came up to us and started screaming at me. The way I was trying to calm her was unacceptable, I was at fault, I needed to fix it, it was all my fault, I needed to call the doctor, the hospital, 911, all my fault...complete rage panic. I told him he was not being helpful. He whined like a child that he didn't know what to do then started screaming again.

His need to control everything is so great, he completely lost his *stuff.* Not the first or last time it happened.

It took me a long time to realize I needed to leave. The situation was not healthy for me and it was not healthy for the kids. He was only getting worse. That being said, only you know the ins and outs of your situation and what's best for you. We are here for you no matter what path you choose.

[1footouttadefog]

My od did that for years.  He would act like the accident was planned just to disrupt his peace or something.

He would fly into a rage and yell instead of responding to see what hero was needed and what emergency measures might be needed.

[Whatthehey]

Codeep,

I would like to reinforce underabus's bluntness.  I had even posted here years ago under another name in the chosen section determined as I was to change him.  33 years I excused his behavior as anxiety due to this or that (in fairness, there is a got going on in our life).   I too. went to a therapist years back that suggested  I leave him and I never went back.

I am disabled.  Unable to work.  Multiple issues that have left me seriously injured.  I was afraid to leave.  All I would have was my disability payments.  Talk about poverty.  I had been working with a new therapist for my PTSD when she said to  me quite bluntly - "I would live in poverty in metro housing on food stamps that subject myself to that cruelty."  Wow, talk about a bucket of cold water.

But the above isn't why I wanted to write.   I have three children.  After chemo, I sunk into a deep depression.  The whole family did and my h was the worst.  He was cruel and frequently burst into rages.  My middle daughter took the worst of it from him and after several months she attempted suicide.  Thankfully, we got her help and she is doing great now (working on her MFA) but here's the rub.  When I told her I left her father, she said I should've done it ten years ago.  I have permanently damaged her by not leaving.  I have left her scarred and I pray that she will eventually heal from my lack of courage.  I know that there are solid reasons I stayed - the physical recovery was long and brutal - but I did have options.

You have options as well.  Do this for your kids and do it for him.  The book boundaries says that creating boundaries are for love.  Creating a boundary helps the other person stand on their feet and gives them an opportunity to really change - without our interference.

I talk to my h all the time.  We text and communicate and he sees his son.  The time apart gives him space and time to work on himself.  When he is with his son, he is less stressed.  I pray for him every day and I really want him to change.  Still.

He asked recently for a separation instead of a divorce.  Our state doesn't really encourage that so it didn't work out.  But my lawyer wisely said that divorce gives you each equal financial footing and time to work on yourselves.  If he really wants the real you, then he will continue to court despite the divorce. 

I am sending you hugs and lots of hope and healing.

[Codeep]

All your responses are such a loving embrace.  I'm getting choked up reading them.  I'm back on here today after getting a ruthless text from him because I didn't abandon my work responsibilities  (aka scheduled calls) on a moment's notice to play hooky to go out for drinks with him.  I keep thinking we should stay in the same home together so the kids don't have to be with him half time but I need to get off that concept. I mentioned divorce in therapy yesterday (said that I don't want to divorce him because he is a cunning litigator who would chew me up and spit me out in divorce proceedings).  That did not sit well with him.  He acts like the idea of divorcing him should have never crossed my mind and that he doesn't know what a difficult, messed up person he is.  He is lucky I've hung on this long but we might both be ready.  I don't think the kids are but they are resilient.