Father who was both and Alcoholic and Gambler....???

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Thorman

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Father who was both and Alcoholic and Gambler....???
« on: April 30, 2017, 11:52:03 PM »
My father was an alcoholic...but he worked his ass off. Poor guy was blue-collar or less. He would drink to sooth his soul. UNFORTUNATELY, when he drank Vodka, he acted crazy. Drinking beer would just mellow him out (unless he drank 2 six packs). He would frequent the local pub and my mother would have to get up at 10-11pm to go and drag his arse out (she had to work the next day and so did he). Naturally, she dragged me along (i guess she was trying to guilt him). I don't know how my mother put up with him. BUT I REMEMBER, going to the pubs late at night as a 12 yr old boy...into a dark dingy room filled with cigarette smoke and beer smell everywhere. Happy soused men where everywhere. Some of their wifes' were there too (they were all drunks)....HORRIBLE memory of seeing all these people drunk and stoopid in a bar (i guess the bar owner loved it....he sold lots of beer and booze).

So, what i was doing in my life as a kid, didn't matter. Pops was always at the diner table, tipping his beer and studying "Dog Books"---(as in dog racing programs). FOR YEARS he claimed he made money betting on Dogs. Whether he did or didn't, i never knew. He actually had a dream of being a professional handicapper (who made his living off gambling).

Anyone else have a father who Drank and Gambled?

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Liketheducks

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Re: Father who was both and Alcoholic and Gambler....???
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2017, 03:34:47 PM »
Welcome.  My father was an alcoholic, but not a traditional gambler, per se.  He was bet on any and all get rich quick scheme he's come across.   My father would also get crazy with liquor, crazy violent.   

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recluse19

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Re: Father who was both and Alcoholic and Gambler....???
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2017, 05:29:36 PM »
Hi, my dad was also a gambler and had a drink problem, I say drink problem because he managed to work, he was more a binge drinker, like from Thursday night payday through to Sunday and he would still make his work on a Monday. If he wasn't an alcoholic then he definitely is now, in his mid 70s, still a binge drinker (recently fell and injured his leg) and still a compulsive gambler, he has nothing to show for all the years where he had his own business. I'm sorry you had to go through that at age 12, it must have been so overwhelming for you. I was sent down for my dad to the pub a couple of times when I was around 13 but I never went in just stood outside too shy, so glad I didn't go in but it was a horrible feeling waiting outside, feeling I was doing something wrong by not going in.

The worst part about my dad always being in the pub was my mum waiting on him. She was always waiting, and asking questions out loud like "where is he", and checking the time and windows etc. as if we couldn't just get on with our lives as we knew where he was anyway! Memories of waiting, waiting for him to bring in food, a good night he would remember the takeaway, a bad night there would be nothing, just him drunk driving home!  I hated all this anxious waiting more than having no money because of the gambling, I never really felt poor although we had nothing, we did have enough to eat, I didn't really notice though that we were the only family I knew with no running hot water or no heating in the house, (until older, looking back) only a coal fire in the living room that most of the time wasn't lit as we didn't have enough money for coal! This was the 1970s/1980s.

He wasn't a bad natured drunk, he was more bad natured when sober, I preferred him drunk!

One of my brothers now has problems with alcoholism and gambling but the difference is he admits this and attends meetings which help him although he does fall off the bandwagon now and again. My father is still in denial and now expects us all to be there for him. My brother is the only one of us who is though.

I could go on for much longer as I'm sure you could also. Just to let you know you are not alone, hope you find peace, this is my first post apart from my intro.

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WaitingForTheSun

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Re: Father who was both and Alcoholic and Gambler....???
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2017, 01:51:54 AM »
Hi, I can totally relate.  My father isn't an alcoholic, but he certainly is a HUGE gambler.  It's been the bane of my family's existence.  My father would pull all nighters at the casino, gambling away without a care in the world, while my poor mother worried about him.  I think all the worrying ruined her health?  She died much younger than she should have, I feel. 

I remember that he was always gone.  So much so--that he would not pick me up from school.  I actually wanted to walk home, but my anxiety-stricken mom was so worried about my safety, and would never let me walk home alone.  So, I would have to wait for hours after school, until my father finally came, sometimes really late.  It caused huge fights and I was always in the middle of it.

The worst is how little my narcissistic, addict father cared about us.  He made it painfully obvious that we didn't matter.  I think that's why my brother and I suffer from seriously low self-esteem and have both made bad life choices.   Sometimes, my father would put us down: "You are all nobodies, and are nothing without me!!"  He always blames us for anything that goes wrong, no matter how illogical.  Other times, he would show us he didn't care by not being there for holidays, birthdays, etc.  He would always be "busy" (gambling).  We would never get any compliments for anything, just constant criticism.  He was never happy with anything we did.   

When my grandma died and mom had to leave town, I was placed in my father's care.  What was she thinking?!  What a terrible idea!  My father would drop 9-year old me at the mall to wander by myself for hours, with only $1.00 for lunch.  I couldn't eat anything with that little money, except a hot dog.  I finally complained, and then he took me to the casino with him.  He bought me a pack of Twinkies and I would sit in the car, waiting for him.  Little kids weren't allowed inside. 

It was a horrible neighborhood, and once a strange man came nearby--and noticed me baking in the hot sun--inside the car.  He asked me to come out and "talk to him."  A casino security guard saw this and immediately came over.  They called my father and he came out, all angry.  He was furious at 9-year old me for "telling on him."  When my mom came home, she noticed that I hadn't cleaned the house, flipped on me, and spanked me hard.  I couldn't tell her why I didn't clean the house.  It was always traumatic and crazy living with my family...

My father is old now, and I know he doesn't remember nor care about any of this.  If I confront him on anything, he never fails to say something horrible--he never listens, just attacks.  I live far away from him (by choice) and have bare minimum contact with him on the phone.  He constantly berates me for not dropping everything to care for him, even though he lives in a fancy facility with on-call nurses.  My disabled brother lives nearby, and visits him every day.  He now says things like, "You don't care about ME!  I gave you everything and this is how you act.  You are useless.  You don't care about me, like I care about you."  I don't buy any of this BS anymore.  He might as well be a stranger. 

It's telling that my uncle recently passed away and my 2 cousins didn't invite my father to the funeral.  They simply told him about it after the fact.  According to my father, my uncle and he were very close  (not really the truth, actually).  The sad fact is that they tolerated him because "family."  My father spent weeks berating my cousins for cremating my uncle.  "That's not what I would have done," he complained, "I don't think that's right!  They never told me they were going to do that!"  That's probably another reason why he wasn't invited.  By now, everyone has my dad's number, and no one is calling anymore.  He burned most of his bridges and spends most of his time complaining...

Sorry for the long rant-y story...once you get started, it goes on and on...and, I'm still processing it all....:wacko:

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Thorman

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Re: Father who was both and Alcoholic and Gambler....???
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2017, 02:20:10 AM »
Hi, my dad was also a gambler and had a drink problem, I say drink problem because he managed to work, he was more a binge drinker, like from Thursday night payday through to Sunday and he would still make his work on a Monday. If he wasn't an alcoholic then he definitely is now, in his mid 70s, still a binge drinker (recently fell and injured his leg) and still a compulsive gambler, he has nothing to show for all the years where he had his own business. I'm sorry you had to go through that at age 12, it must have been so overwhelming for you. I was sent down for my dad to the pub a couple of times when I was around 13 but I never went in just stood outside too shy, so glad I didn't go in but it was a horrible feeling waiting outside, feeling I was doing something wrong by not going in.

The worst part about my dad always being in the pub was my mum waiting on him. She was always waiting, and asking questions out loud like "where is he", and checking the time and windows etc. as if we couldn't just get on with our lives as we knew where he was anyway! Memories of waiting, waiting for him to bring in food, a good night he would remember the takeaway, a bad night there would be nothing, just him drunk driving home!  I hated all this anxious waiting more than having no money because of the gambling, I never really felt poor although we had nothing, we did have enough to eat, I didn't really notice though that we were the only family I knew with no running hot water or no heating in the house, (until older, looking back) only a coal fire in the living room that most of the time wasn't lit as we didn't have enough money for coal! This was the 1970s/1980s.

He wasn't a bad natured drunk, he was more bad natured when sober, I preferred him drunk!

One of my brothers now has problems with alcoholism and gambling but the difference is he admits this and attends meetings which help him although he does fall off the bandwagon now and again. My father is still in denial and now expects us all to be there for him. My brother is the only one of us who is though.

I could go on for much longer as I'm sure you could also. Just to let you know you are not alone, hope you find peace, this is my first post apart from my intro.


I can totally relate. My Poor Mother had to get up at around 10pm (after resting from a hard days work), get dressed and bring me (i was bout 12yrs old) to the smoky pub and see my father, drinking and clowning with the other alcoholics in a dimly lit, smoke filled "lounge." He would be giggling and acting stupid while my mother would stand there, looking at all the other drunks and then watch my father make a fool of himself---he didn't seem to care. After 1/2 hr, my father would relent and go home. Looking back on it, it was a disgrace to me and my mother. I now realize how IMMATURE and juvenile my father was. If he was alive today, i would punch him in the nose.

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Thorman

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Re: Father who was both and Alcoholic and Gambler....???
« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2017, 09:23:14 AM »
Wow....this morning upon waking something occurred to me; ***ONE THING THAT OCCURRED TO ME THIS MORNING, was this: Even though, i never was addicted to Alcohol, I took on similar characteristics of my Dad. In my ways, just by being around him, i took on the characteristics of being a "dry drunk." ACA (adult children of alcoholics) talk about this too. I'll have to Put up a Post regarding very subject. Very Interesting...All I can say is WOW. I got work to do.

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daughter

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Re: Father who was both and Alcoholic and Gambler....???
« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2017, 11:16:46 AM »
Consider whether some of these negative behaviors served to let your father "check-out" of his marital and parental responsibilities.  My enabler-enforcer passive-aggressive NF clearly "checked-out" on his home-front responsibilities via his workaholic tendencies.  NF was rarely home.  He ate dinner with us nearly every night, watched TV passively with us, and attended social and family events; otherwise he was "working".  And when he wasn't "at work", he was puttering with chores, and projects, and other loner-activities which precluded listening to and/or being physically with my demanding NBM.  He basically avoided her, and avoided the problems at home.  Years later, when I finally began to confront him in regards to my NBM's abusive and malevolent behavior towards me, he'd invariably excuse himself with "I didn't involve myself with home; my job was to bring home the paycheck and let your mother run the house".  Responsibility deflected; "not my job".  NF didn't think "parenting" was in his job-description, nor did he care enough to intervene on my behalf as he witnessed years of obvious emotional abuse and open neglect of his older daughter.