Common Traits of Adult Children

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LindaLoo

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #20 on: May 21, 2013, 07:31:38 AM »

Wow! Awesome thread!! Thank you for starting this. So insightful!

 I am everything on the list and the 'right and wrong' is me to a tee. I will fight tooth and nail if I believe something is wrong. When I cant fix it I get frustrated and tend to withdraw.

I am nice ( to nice for my own good) , compassionate, open minded, sensitive, worry about others feelings, doubt others care about me, feel ignored, insecure, cant accept compliments, etc........it goes on and on

One biggy for me is caring to much about others feelings. I give to much and get nothing. I have doormat syndrome :(

I go out of my way to make others feel good. This one I want to get over!!!

It weighs me down and I let my feelings slide. Here is an example....

If someone emails me a picture say of their pets...I immediately reply telling them 'how cute' and thanks for sharing, I loved it! I have a overwhemling sense that I must validate and acknowledge.  Yet if I send that same person a picture thats important to me they make no effort to acknowledge. This angers me and then I feel 'why do I try so hard, why am I so nice'

I'm seeing that this world is full of very self centered people and having an N mother has made me super sensitive to the uncaring people. I want to toughen up, stop trying to please all the time, and I'm going to find a way :thumbup:

Wonderful thread! I have read it over and over...
~Your heart knows things that your mind can't explain~

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timetobeme

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #21 on: May 21, 2013, 08:19:40 AM »
]One biggy for me is caring to much about others feelings. I give to much and get nothing. I have doormat syndrome :(

I go out of my way to make others feel good. This one I want to get over!!!

 :hug:

I am another doormat - but on my way to stop being one!!!!!

A few weeks ago, my DD told me about a problem her little friend from school had and I caught myself immediately trying to fix it (which required a bit of work on my own agenda and that of my family). That's when it hit me:

NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!!

This is the friend of my DD and I was willing to reschedule things that were important to me and my FOC in order to accommodate her!

That was the first time I really felt that that's what I always do: If I hear about a problem - big or small - someone else is having, I immediately move to help solve it, even if it means I have less time for myself/my own problems. I also nooticed that I have to change things and get my priorities straight: There's nothing wrong with helping the friend of my DD AFTER I
- took care of myself/my own problems
- took care of the things concerning my FOC
- helped my close frineds (if needed)

Most people know these priorities - learned them instinctively growing up - but for me, being an ACON, I was primed to think that everyones problems are more important than my own and that the problems of strangers get the same attention as those of people closer to me - and they all somehow take precedence over my own needs.

I'm working on snapping out of that pattern...


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Mlf007

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #22 on: May 21, 2013, 12:43:00 PM »
I always assume that when someone is upset, angry or disappointed, that its related to ME. I obsess for days over what would be non-issues to normal people about what I did, didn't do, or may have said that would cause the problem. I am now realising that this is prob were most of my issues are coming from, either I begin feeling this way when the most hurt occurs or it ends this way.
One recent example-my neighbor didn't wave at me this past Sunday when I haven't seen her for months and now I am worried that she has been avoiding me on purpose because she must be mad at me. This is crazy, I don't have a relationship with her so how the hell could that be the case, yet I am convinced of it. Who knows, I may sabatage our acquaintance-ship by beginning to avoid her since I believe that she is mad at me.
This is talked a lot about in AA, and It's something that alcoholics do (and apparently I do too). I read that it's an inflated ego, but I feel the exact opposite like my ego is non existent?

Another thing I do is that I cannot ask for help. It's so bad that I almost get angry or offended when others try to help me. I was working on this not too long ago and when my husband was going into the kitchen, I had to remind myself to ask him to bring me a drink when he returned. I was just about to get up and get myself one, which was stupid considering he was doing the same thing for himself. I had been in the hospital for a couple of days in November and when I got out, I had a  2mo old newborn to care for. My husband told my mom it would be a good idea when she volunteered to come and stay with me for a few days while he was at work so that she could help me with my baby and I could get some rest. I was fuming with anger at him and at her. I didn't treat her or him nicely and I insisted after one day that I WAS FINE & didn't need her help. <- how ridiculous!?!

Gift receiving is also challenging for me. For Xmas, my birthday, Mother's Day etc. I always just say that I don't want anything. I really cannot think of anything I want or need when asked. I feel like it would be "high maintenance" to imply that I would enjoy some recognition....and that's so sad IMO. My husband doesn't even get me a card anymore, which I've trained him to do that and my feelings get slightly hurt everytime. I get over it and don't show that Im bothered, but to normal people this would be a no-brainer. Of course, who doesn't want and probably expect some acknowledgement on these special occasions.

I am a mess. I know. I want to appear to be HARD, like I have it all together, like I don't NEED anyone in my life or anything from anyone.... "I can take care of myself" when in reality I DO need/want it.

So much work to do. Thank God for this forum, it's showing me where I need the most work. My T can say these same things until she is blue in the face but until I see it here, as it relates to other people is when I can see it from my perspective/my experiences and from my life. Is that weird?

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knucklebunny

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #23 on: May 21, 2013, 01:06:35 PM »
I always assume that when someone is upset, angry or disappointed, that its related to ME. I obsess for days over what would be non-issues to normal people about what I did, didn't do, or may have said that would cause the problem. I am now realising that this is prob were most of my issues are coming from, either I begin feeling this way when the most hurt occurs or it ends this way.
One recent example-my neighbor didn't wave at me this past Sunday when I haven't seen her for months and now I am worried that she has been avoiding me on purpose because she must be mad at me. This is crazy, I don't have a relationship with her so how the hell could that be the case, yet I am convinced of it. Who knows, I may sabatage our acquaintance-ship by beginning to avoid her since I believe that she is mad at me.
This is talked a lot about in AA, and It's something that alcoholics do (and apparently I do too). I read that it's an inflated ego, but I feel the exact opposite like my ego is non existent?

Another thing I do is that I cannot ask for help. It's so bad that I almost get angry or offended when others try to help me. I was working on this not too long ago and when my husband was going into the kitchen, I had to remind myself to ask him to bring me a drink when he returned. I was just about to get up and get myself one, which was stupid considering he was doing the same thing for himself. I had been in the hospital for a couple of days in November and when I got out, I had a  2mo old newborn to care for. My husband told my mom it would be a good idea when she volunteered to come and stay with me for a few days while he was at work so that she could help me with my baby and I could get some rest. I was fuming with anger at him and at her. I didn't treat her or him nicely and I insisted after one day that I WAS FINE & didn't need her help. <- how ridiculous!?!

Gift receiving is also challenging for me. For Xmas, my birthday, Mother's Day etc. I always just say that I don't want anything. I really cannot think of anything I want or need when asked. I feel like it would be "high maintenance" to imply that I would enjoy some recognition....and that's so sad IMO. My husband doesn't even get me a card anymore, which I've trained him to do that and my feelings get slightly hurt everytime. I get over it and don't show that Im bothered, but to normal people this would be a no-brainer. Of course, who doesn't want and probably expect some acknowledgement on these special occasions.

I am a mess. I know. I want to appear to be HARD, like I have it all together, like I don't NEED anyone in my life or anything from anyone.... "I can take care of myself" when in reality I DO need/want it.

So much work to do. Thank God for this forum, it's showing me where I need the most work. My T can say these same things until she is blue in the face but until I see it here, as it relates to other people is when I can see it from my perspective/my experiences and from my life. Is that weird?

Oh my gosh we do have a lot in common!  It's so weird when I read something and think "ME TOO"... thing that i disliked about myself but just accepted as "who I am".

I also feel conflicted with ego.  Deep down I think I have a HUGE ego, but I think I try to hide it... just in case I'm wrong and I'm not as awesome as I think.  I'm an accomplished photographer... won awards/contests, hear constant feedback about my talent, I've had a photograph featured by an award winning screenwriter/producer, etc etc etc... yet when people compliment me I am so uncomfortable and have this nagging feeling of self-delusion.  "They might just be saying that because they know it's what I want to hear"  HOWEVER, on the other hand, it's nearly impossible for me to FEEL like I'm at the top of my field.  If one of my photography-buddies asks a question in a group meeting, even if I KNOW the answer or have valid advice, I am extremely reluctant to speak up, because I'm afraid they will think, "who is SHE to advise ME?". 

I think a big part of that is I'm afraid to look stupid?  Or something along those lines?  If someone comes to me for advice, that's fine... I've done tons of work with people who seek me out for lessons, and I feel confident in my ability to teach and help.  Which is evidenced by the students progress.  But still, it's some weird conflict for me that i don't understand.

I also deeply resent when people try to help me.  I don't need help.  I'm fully capable.  If I ask for help, that's fine.  But unsolicited help is horrible for me.  I noticed it most at a retail job I had, years ago.  I had been there for years, and all of my co-workers KNEW not to butt in or help me unless I asked.  However, new people often tried to be helpful, and it would make my blood boil.  As much as I avoid conflict, I had no problem telling the new person not to "butt in" when I was with a customer or working on a project.  Again, no idea why.

My friends get annoyed with how I am about my birthday.  I don't publish it on facebook because I do not want to get all those "happy birthday!" posts on my wall.  My friends/family who know it's my birthday without the notice on facebook will comment, and even that is slightly annoying, but only because I worry that it'll start a huge influx of nice comments from people.  I think it's the lack of sincerity that I dislike.  "These people really don't care that its my birthday, they only say that because that's social protocol".

I am always avoiding "lack of sincerity".  I hate small talk because I feel like the other person REALLY doesn't care about the weather, and I know I sure don't care, so why be inauthentic and pretend we care, just because of social protocol?  When it comes to a conversation about something concrete, I'm perfectly comfortable and engaged.  I have to feel like people WANT to talk to me.

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Mlf007

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #24 on: May 21, 2013, 01:37:56 PM »
I get most anxious when I am in a position to have small talk. I can chit chat for 30 seconds with the cashier or the waitress but other times I get shaky, shaky voice, hair figeting, picking at my nails, start digging in my purse, I used to smoke, just to not look awkward but in reality I feel so awkward.

I'm also the same way on FB with my birthday and I don't say happy bday to anyone on there. I text or call my close friends on their bday.

My sister and husband was saying, "why don't you want mom to help you"? Put her to work, have her do laundry, the dishes or housework. I just wanted to barf. It would take me half a day to explain how I do things and why they need to be done that way. (Lol) it's not "help" since I would tend to redo it all when she left. I know so selfish, controlling and egotistic....idk I can't help that part. I just want to do it and everything for that matter for myself. I don't complain, sulk or recruit sympathy about it like a BPD would, I just do it and be done with it.

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knucklebunny

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #25 on: May 21, 2013, 01:56:39 PM »
I just thought of something else that I do and I wonder if anyone else has experienced it.

I have incredibly vivid/crazy dreams... and most of my dreams occur in the same "places".  Places that I don't have any emotional attachment or particular memories about.  Like my friends moms bathroom... always in my dreams (actually, bathrooms of any sort are really common).  The lunch room in elementary school.  Places I don't know that I assume are just made up in my mind or maybe I've seen them in passing and just don't remember- a particular field, a weird "hobbit" like village, etc...

But this is what i'm most curious about... I experience this weird "dream deja vu" thing where I will be driving down the road (not dreaming but actually driving), and I'll see a house and feel this sudden flash of familiarity, like I've had dreams about it.  Sometimes I can recall the actual dream (a house set far off the road, in a field.  the house is surrounded by a wrought iron fence, and within the fenced yard are tons of tall trees), but sometimes its just a deja vu feeling that I instinctually feel is connected to a dream.

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gary

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #26 on: May 21, 2013, 03:24:01 PM »


I also feel conflicted with ego.  Deep down I think I have a HUGE ego, but I think I try to hide it... just in case I'm wrong and I'm not as awesome as I think.  I'm an accomplished photographer... won awards/contests, hear constant feedback about my talent, I've had a photograph featured by an award winning screenwriter/producer, etc etc etc... yet when people compliment me I am so uncomfortable and have this nagging feeling of self-delusion.  "They might just be saying that because they know it's what I want to hear"  HOWEVER, on the other hand, it's nearly impossible for me to FEEL like I'm at the top of my field.  If one of my photography-buddies asks a question in a group meeting, even if I KNOW the answer or have valid advice, I am extremely reluctant to speak up, because I'm afraid they will think, "who is SHE to advise ME?". 

I think a big part of that is I'm afraid to look stupid?  Or something along those lines?  If someone comes to me for advice, that's fine... I've done tons of work with people who seek me out for lessons, and I feel confident in my ability to teach and help.  Which is evidenced by the students progress.  But still, it's some weird conflict for me that i don't understand.

I also deeply resent when people try to help me.  I don't need help.  I'm fully capable.  If I ask for help, that's fine.  But unsolicited help is horrible for me.  I noticed it most at a retail job I had, years ago.  I had been there for years, and all of my co-workers KNEW not to butt in or help me unless I asked.  However, new people often tried to be helpful, and it would make my blood boil.  As much as I avoid conflict, I had no problem telling the new person not to "butt in" when I was with a customer or working on a project.  Again, no idea why.

My friends get annoyed with how I am about my birthday.  I don't publish it on facebook because I do not want to get all those "happy birthday!" posts on my wall.  My friends/family who know it's my birthday without the notice on facebook will comment, and even that is slightly annoying, but only because I worry that it'll start a huge influx of nice comments from people.  I think it's the lack of sincerity that I dislike.  "These people really don't care that its my birthday, they only say that because that's social protocol".

I am always avoiding "lack of sincerity".  I hate small talk because I feel like the other person REALLY doesn't care about the weather, and I know I sure don't care, so why be inauthentic and pretend we care, just because of social protocol?  When it comes to a conversation about something concrete, I'm perfectly comfortable and engaged.  I have to feel like people WANT to talk to me.

Hi  knucklebunny

  We have some things in common that we can talk about and I'll try to address them. I also shoot as well.

Quote
I also feel conflicted with ego.  Deep down I think I have a HUGE ego, but I think I try to hide it... just in case I'm wrong and I'm not as awesome as I think.  I'm an accomplished photographer... won awards/contests, hear constant feedback about my talent, I've had a photograph featured by an award winning screenwriter/producer, etc etc etc... yet when people compliment me I am so uncomfortable and have this nagging feeling of self-delusion.

 All of those accomplishments above will not make a dent in what has already been done to us long ago that robbed or never provided for us of just a natural healthy sense of self.

For me not to say I know what I'm doing with a camera would sound just silly so I do have to admit that much anyway...but that doesn't help how I really feel about myself.

I don't enter contest but some company took one of mine and entered it and it won first place in the world...but that doesn't help how I really feel about myself.

I have flown around the world twice doing assignments for fortune 500 companies making $1750.00 a day plus expenses....but that doesn't help how I really feel about myself.

I had a fashion live in loft/studio on Michigan Ave in Chicago and shot international models and Sears catalogue and did testing for Playboy...but that doesn't help how I really feel about myself.

how I really feel about myself goes much deeper that what my iMac can pump out and send across the airways to anykind of client anywhere in the world.

I have taken the things you talked about in not actually accepting what I can do and stole the word "Humble" because that has some honor to it but that's not really true.

I finally had to find true sense of self in a chair across from a good therapist and she helped me get most of it back but like any injury i will always have a bit of a limp when it comes to a good self esteem.

All the pats on the back feel good and it's kinda like a shot of whiskey that may give ya a little boost but it doesn't last  and we need another shot if we don't get to the bottom of the why.

I also don't care for small talk..not sure exactly why :blush:

having someone jump in and help you is probably seen by you as not just a kind jester but that the person saw in us that we were not capeable of doing it all ourselves.

All sense of self stuff.

Who was it do you think that stole yours ?
« Last Edit: May 21, 2013, 03:28:51 PM by gary »
" A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because its trust is not on the branch but on its own wings.

Believe in yourself ".


Josh S hipp

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http://gawalters.com/blog/

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knucklebunny

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #27 on: May 21, 2013, 07:16:41 PM »
Gary... thats a great question.  What stole it?  I'm not exactly sure what did it.  I do know that my mom is the only person I know (literally) who has not ever expressed their admiration when it comes to my art.  I won a commission for a local zoological society to supply all prints/mugs/etc for their gift shop a few years ago... pretty big deal for me since I've had no formal training, etc... I was SO SO SO SO proud and excited. 

When I told my mom about it, she said "sounds like a scam to me".

So I never responded to any further inquiries from the society.  I totally just let the whole thing fall by the wayside.

What stole your sense of self, do you think?

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knucklebunny

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #28 on: May 21, 2013, 07:41:11 PM »
Urg sorry I keep posting stuff, but another thing...

I can not STAND physical affection from anyone except my son and SO.  And with them I'm extremely affectionate.  Other than that, when people touch me, I want to recoil.  I hate it.

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Mlf007

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #29 on: May 22, 2013, 12:07:55 AM »
I can not STAND physical affection from anyone except my son and SO.  And with them I'm extremely affectionate.  Other than that, when people touch me, I want to recoil.  I hate it.

I'll send you a virtual hug instead ;)

((Hug))

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timetobeme

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #30 on: May 22, 2013, 06:53:08 AM »
Hi, knucklebunny,

about those dreams:

I used to have a 'nightmare house' (that's what I called it): A house where every corner was familiar to me, I knew how it looked, felt, smelled... Yet I knew that this house didn't exist IRL.

I was puzzled by that until I was introduced to C.G. Jung's theories about dreams, memories and thoughts and one of his ideas was that the places represent a certain period in a person's life and places that 'belong' to that period.

I considered that and was able to see that this 'nightmare house' was a combination of three different houses I knew well: My grandma's, my BFFs and the church building where we spend a lot of time (activities and all that). Then I was able to determine the period in my life in which these houses played a major part (age 7-10, give or take). After that, all that was left for me to do was think about the things that happened in those years that may still bother my subconscious 15 years later. After having dealt with those issues in daytime - literally bringing them to light - I have not visited my 'nightmare house' again - for 15 years now.

Is it possible that those places in your dreams are also representing a certain period in your life?

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knucklebunny

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #31 on: May 22, 2013, 03:42:18 PM »
Is it possible that those places in your dreams are also representing a certain period in your life?

Yes, it's entirely possible... I was watching Bettlejuice a few weeks ago, and I recognized some of my dream places in that movie, which is odd because I don't really have any memories tied to watching it.  I mean, I KNOW I saw the movie when I was younger, but it wasn't significant.  I guess I was about 12 or so... I'll have to put some thought into this and figure out what was going on with me at that period in time.

Awesome info, thank you!

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sandpiper

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #32 on: May 23, 2013, 03:31:12 AM »
Wow, timetobeme, that is really interesting about the dream house. I wonder if it's worth a standalone thread, as I have a couple of houses that I dream about two. And that explains a lot, that it relates to a particular period in my life.

When I dream about my grandparents' house, it turns into a fort that rises up above the sea like Rapunzel's tower, and there is no escape unless I plunge off the cliffs into the wild water below. I worked out that the water probably represented my emotions and once I worked through them in T, I stopped having this dream. curiously in the dream, all my cousins would appear walking around the house and the grounds like Zombies, unable to see me or to communicate with me. (that's no dream) If I have the dream again and they start muttering 'Brainzzzzz' I just hope to god I'm armed and I remember the Double Tap. (Nerd reference for those of you who haven't seen Zombieland.)

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ladiLiana

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #33 on: May 27, 2013, 10:02:20 PM »
I have many of those traits as well.  I have taken up meditation as a way to heal myself and free myself of some of the bonds that held me down as a child.  Since I grew up 3 other sisters, all wanting to be the queen, and a mother who swore SHE was the queen, I "learned" NOT to draw attention to myself so they wouldn't hate me.  I learned not to be wonderful in front of them, or fabulous, or too good at anything, or dare expect people to do anything for ME.  I hid so they could shine.  And sometimes, I would shine by accident, and then have to deal with their wrath...mean tricks, name calling, the cold shoulder, not wanting to be my sister/friend anymore...stuff like that. 
I too have issues with the mail and the phone.  I will call them anxieties...depending on my state of mind, I can hear a phone ring and get a sense of dread for no reason.  I do not live with my cell phone on my hip because I simply don't like the phone that much.  this makes a lot of people upset, why didn't I text back in 2 seconds?? things like that.
My empathic ability is extreme...far beyond what is normal.  and yet, I do love to help people who are in need.  Unfortunately, the needy ones tend to be demanding, liars, drama queens and kings, lazy, thieves, users.  Not all...but many.  And I am drawn to them like a moth to a flame.  I want to save them...make everything alright for them.  Only to find out they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves, they simply don't want to.  they love misery and it turns out most of their lives are pretty good.
My life is an ongoing therapy lesson.  Sometimes I have to let go of guilt I may have because I actually think I deserve to be treated better than I am, but I feel so guilty even thinking it sometimes.  Lots of self denial because I was taught others should have before me.  But I am getting better little by little!  :)     

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Silverfox

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #34 on: May 28, 2013, 03:30:24 AM »
I'm not sure if this is my personality or part of growing up in FOO, but I am too honest. I'll let people know my mind or try discussing things like religion or politics. I never have the intention too hurt people, but just feel like an open discussion is always better for knowledge. So when I ask people about their religion or ask hard questions about the company I work in, I genuinely want to know. People aren't always happy with it.

My emotions are an open book, too. So if I don't like something I have a hard time hiding it. And I feel like I don't have the option of little white lies. I will tell the truth about myself always. Which is not a good thing. It gets me into awkward situations and I wish I could change it. But before I know it, there's me blabber mouthing again....

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practicingacceptance

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #35 on: May 28, 2013, 01:10:27 PM »
this has been an interesting thread for me. i am here on OOTF because i am or was a chosen. i have had my suspicions that my mother was a BPD, but never really felt it affected me so much. i was rebellious as a teen, i left home early, i was LC with her and family for a long time until her death. i thought i had moved past my crazy upbringing.

i read this thread because i am having issues with my only adult child. he father was/is unBPD/NPD. he is an alcoholic (medium-functioning). i see so much of myself as a AC. i understand about fleas, that i have them, that my daughter had them, too. i went through the "is it me?" phase. i am pretty sure i do not have a PD or am inverted, what-have-you. now as i analyze the situation,i am trying to understand my D. there isn't a whole lot here on OOTF about AC but it is pretty important as a mother i think.

i only wished that i had removed myself and daughter from the dysfunction way earlier, before she was an adult. i am sorry for those of you that have both parents as PDs. i wish there was some way i could help my D now but it is to late. i understand more and more how important mental health needs to be addressed for our children's healthy growth. none of us are perfect but we all are capable of loving our kids. our culture and society depend on us to make wise decisions regarding our behaviors and responsibilities. especially us, the ACs.

thanks for this enlightening thread.

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knucklebunny

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #36 on: June 15, 2013, 01:03:03 PM »


i only wished that i had removed myself and daughter from the dysfunction way earlier, before she was an adult. i am sorry for those of you that have both parents as PDs. i wish there was some way i could help my D now but it is to late. i understand more and more how important mental health needs to be addressed for our children's healthy growth. none of us are perfect but we all are capable of loving our kids. our culture and society depend on us to make wise decisions regarding our behaviors and responsibilities. especially us, the ACs.



This is what I'm struggling with... my son is 6 and I recently went NC with my bpd mom, and while I *know* it's for the best, sometimes I wonder if it's hurting him more to be without extended family than SOME time with a dysfunctional family.  I've opted to stay NC because I'm fairly certain my mom would find ways to sabotage my relationship with my son, or pull me back into the FOG.  She has no filter and seems to think that it's perfectly appropriate to tell a 6 year old about his moms "issues".  grr

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Mlf007

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #37 on: June 15, 2013, 01:25:24 PM »

This is what I'm struggling with... my son is 6 and I recently went NC with my bpd mom, and while I *know* it's for the best, sometimes I wonder if it's hurting him more to be without extended family than SOME time with a dysfunctional family.  I've opted to stay NC because I'm fairly certain my mom would find ways to sabotage my relationship with my son, or pull me back into the FOG.  She has no filter and seems to think that it's perfectly appropriate to tell a 6 year old about his moms "issues".  grr

Knucklebunny. I stumbled onto a great article last night about parental alienation. And how abusive it is for children. A lot of what it was saying can certainly apply to when one grandparent projects their hatred into the ears of children about the child's parent. It is emotional abuse, it is verbal abuse, it is bullying. Maybe you can read about that aspect to find the assurance and comfort you need in order to validate your feelings. Your main goal is to NOT give your mom a grandchild to abuse, but to protect him regardless of her feelings and the guilt she wants you to feel. Emotionally stable and strong children grow up far far better off (even if they only have one normal parent) than those who have a large extended FOO that are all messed up, abusive, and/or PD's.

Don't feel guilty about protecting your son, your mom has planted those little seeds in your head for years now, I promise you. This is why you are feeling so guilty, that's the goal of those seeds they plant years in advance of when they begin to bloom.

This is a common problem with us children of PD's. We feel guilty when we begin to see the FOG. We feel guilty and thus stop our own healing, how dare us to want to protect ourselves and our children from drinking that Kool-Aide, it's so pretty and sweet and it's ALL THAT WE KNOW.

Since you are like me, needing and wanting "proof" to validate your negative feelings, maybe you can research about the pros and cons of only children growing up in healthy families. I've recently started is path because I only have one baby, but I honestly think he will be an only child. The guilt behind that alone is hard, and doubly hard when I have two sets of PD parents in my ears guilting me to produce more  :aaauuugh:

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workingonit

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #38 on: June 15, 2013, 01:33:59 PM »

This is what I'm struggling with... my son is 6 and I recently went NC with my bpd mom, and while I *know* it's for the best, sometimes I wonder if it's hurting him more to be without extended family than SOME time with a dysfunctional family.  I've opted to stay NC because I'm fairly certain my mom would find ways to sabotage my relationship with my son, or pull me back into the FOG.  She has no filter and seems to think that it's perfectly appropriate to tell a 6 year old about his moms "issues".  grr

Knucklebunny. I stumbled onto a great article last night about parental alienation. And how abusive it is for children. A lot of what it was saying can certainly apply to when one grandparent projects their hatred into the ears of children about the child's parent. It is emotional abuse, it is verbal abuse, it is bullying. Maybe you can read about that aspect to find the assurance and comfort you need in order to validate your feelings. Your main goal is to NOT give your mom a grandchild to abuse, but to protect him regardless of her feelings and the guilt she wants you to feel. Emotionally stable and strong children grow up far far better off (even if they only have one normal parent) than those who have a large extended FOO that are all messed up, abusive, and/or PD's.

Don't feel guilty about protecting your son, your mom has planted those little seeds in your head for years now, I promise you. This is why you are feeling so guilty, that's the goal of those seeds they plant years in advance of when they begin to bloom.

This is a common problem with us children of PD's. We feel guilty when we begin to see the FOG. We feel guilty and thus stop our own healing, how dare us to want to protect ourselves and our children from drinking that Kool-Aide, it's so pretty and sweet and it's ALL THAT WE KNOW.

Since you are like me, needing and wanting "proof" to validate your negative feelings, maybe you can research about the pros and cons of only children growing up in healthy families. I've recently started is path because I only have one baby, but I honestly think he will be an only child. The guilt behind that alone is hard, and doubly hard when I have two sets of PD parents in my ears guilting me to produce more  :aaauuugh:

 :yeahthat:

My mother caused tremendous damage with my relationship and my feelings towards my father (and actually other people too) because of the things she said behind his back and that I believed because I was a child.  Looking back now, I don't know if a single one was true and I have no evidence that they were but my mother saying them to me when no one else could hear. my dad never knew and never got to defend himself. Her intention was to cause a rift, and it worked.  If she could do that to her own daughter, why wouldn't she do it to a grandchild against the mother...especially with her negative feelings towards me.

If I had a child, I would/will never allow it to even meet my mother, or have anything to do with my sister.

Mlf, was the artice you read on the internet?  If so, would you mind giving me the link?  I'd like to read it.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2017, 11:32:22 AM by Bloomie »
Before I can live with other folks, I've got to live with myself.  The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience.  ~ Harper Lee

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Mlf007

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Re: Common Traits of Adult Children
« Reply #39 on: June 15, 2013, 07:42:59 PM »
Mlf, was the artice you read on the internet?  If so, would you mind giving me the link?  I'd like to read it.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children

« Last Edit: May 11, 2017, 11:31:54 AM by Bloomie »