"I know why the caged bird sings."

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Bluebird

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"I know why the caged bird sings."
« on: June 02, 2013, 03:54:31 AM »
On every level. My husband have only just began the plan to move from this town where the children were the tie and the control that my xNPD and his wBPD have had in fueling their fixation on all things me....for 12 years. Not to mention the 3 years of therapy for C-PTSD after I and new H had moved here to share the children. I had been w H for 3 years and xNP with gfBP for 3. Shared custody but the next town over.

When we came her his switch flipped and he asserted I was mentally ill and just battered me, gas lighting, stalking, physical threats, all manner of tearing me apart. It was worse than even the emotional, physical, sexual abuse and the gas lighting when I was married to him and had two preemies in 1 year. Isolated, no car, no accounts, classic. But I thought I had escaped an abuser...not that I was running right back into the clutches of xNP and new wifeBP. We were in court a year, I lost 1/3 of my body weight in about 3 months.

I became I'll with depression, severe Fibro and finally the onset of spinal MS. The recent speculation is that these disorders, of the immune system, are caused by sustained and critical levels of fear and stress or major full body trauma that is very long in healing and rehab...that your adrenaline, cortisol, serotonin for sleep schedule etc. are too long at the height of emergency survival level after some considerable time and can not be biologically reset. The Cog. Behavioral T I underwent with a PhD the three years after that did remap the neurological pathways that were averted, abnormal and had been re routed around the bombarded trauma center in my brain. My neuro pathways were corrected over that time and, by the end, the MRi showed a completely normal brain. It was hell getting there.

That was 2006-8 and we've counted the days. Every issue dumped on us and we were good to the children. My H wholly raised them though I gave xNP equal time every other week during the school year it was H who has a Prestigious Degree-2 and has for 7 years worked a second FT job delivering pizza to provide for me and the kids. XNP just refused to pay support and H is raising the children he has known since 3yo as his own.

I have been insanely stalked over these years and had my relationships w lifelong friends poached and H's best friends wife, in stage 4 liver cancer was attempted to be drawn in just a week ago. I have been 18mo without her laying eyes on me more than once but she adopted my appearance after attempts to supplant w the kids were admonished by the court. And his forcible entry of our home had the local police issue 2 years of order prohibiting trespass or contact. 6 ft tall and blonde and I am 5ft 5 and half Native. She has been, broken in my home and found things I collected as a missionary in 3rd world markets and somehow obtained replicas. Their sole focus is, was and has always been me, me, me. She wants every part of my life. Has no education...doubtful even a H'S diploma but has a Linkd in resume up using my University and claiming my degree, has taken on my mannerisms and characteristics. She is fully pathological at this point.

The kids have been gone for months but she finds ways...the miracle of facebook. She went after the 18yo son I gave up for adoption to stepmom bc my xNP was horrifically violent and I had a 2 lb baby in NICU. Only weeks later, 20 weeks along w my second son, my xNP threw me across the room and I was hospitalized near 3 months. And another preemie in one calandar year.

But the son I gave up is beginning study in my field and eI laid bare the truth of the matter, wholly. He heard every word and though he and I are only beginning, the bond and the way our minds meet is powerful. So many similarities. She had insinuated herself into his FB list using a moniker she is known to take and when he and I linked as mother and son publicly she deleted him and began the employ of my NPD/BPD, pathological daughter to draw him into proximity. He is wise for his years.

I am a professional, was a very social person all of my life and I do not often leave this house. We have a guard dog. My H works 6 days a week and I work using the laptop, webcam and iPad. When we move she will go batshit crazy bc her entire marriage, the life she has built, the lies that she portrays at least, the way I look, what I do and have done....I am her identity and without the blueprint , her sense of self will shatter and the characteristics that are not natural to her...mine, will just shake loose and fall away.

I have an amazing and strong, emotionally intelligent, honorable and loving husband. Were it not that gift from God at the very time I had managed to separate from xNP I would have never gotten away. He would have killed me. As far as it was in 1999, his gas lighting was so extreme as to be what some now term, " inflicted suicide" or "psychological homicide". I committed suicide and covered those bases three ways. I died on the table but I am here today.

I am strong and have more psychological resilience than most, but I have never been without the foremost specialists and became a psychologist myself in 2011. The children are still 15 and 16 but have done such things -selling hard drugs to middle school kids, escalating delinquency and finally sexually assaulting a younger boy in concert w his equally f.ed up step bro. Teaching the younger brother of a peer, in his own home and whilst he had been sleeping-teaching him a lesson when he told others the 2 boys were selling pills.

My daughter is, as I mentioned earlier a fully fleshed out preadolescent covert narcissist/BPD and pathological- as many are. My sons evaluations are high in the NPD cluster B traits but he won't be a fully cemented NPD until early adulthood.

We told xNP he was going to raise his children after I gave the documentation of all these children had done (I was in legal research, they can't hide or delete their chats, texts or FB communications nor delete browsing history. They were only ever allowed use of my machine in a central location.

So, they are gone. I will not live with another NP or BP much less shackled for life. My neuropsychologist agrees that this is not even a consideration. He was her diagnostician all these years w delay from prematurity and he said that she has no frontal lobe damage. The documentation of the secret and utter destruction on so many covert levels that she had made people suffer...from 11 years old and once over a 2 year span...Dr. Xxxx  looked me in the eye and said, 'this is f ing terrifying."

X stepped aside after the 5th hearing. I made him. I am no longer their mother. I cannot be. Not now or ever. It's over for us excepting the extraction and removal of me from this batshit gargantua me-morph. The children are what they are taught to be and were sabatoged in the way that BPDs often do with the children. The alienation at this point has them saying they suffered abuse at my hands. I had court orders prohibiting such. It's been a year now since I sent them away and we have no contact. We have the world taken from our shoulders and I am only getting stronger.

But when we move back to one of the surrounding cities after exhaustively restricting and online traces or public records, it will be hard for me to reintegrate. I trust maybe 3 people excepting H.

My son is still using and selling drugs, is in juvenile sex offender treatment, they have CPS, social services and an in home counseling team there 8 hours a week. They blame me for this-the children- though these batshit individuals allowed bonfires where the adults and kids drank and the kids smoked pot. A kid told his parents. His parents called CPS. I turned my son in, with the documentation evidence, as always, for being a drug dealer.

I can breathe again. The house is open and the air clear and peaceful. I myself have a sense of peace on a level I have never known. The peace which surpasses all understanding. And it has come full circle. The son I lost or left in the safety of his father and family has come to me. The parents divorced therefore he refers to the adoptive mother as the stepmom his Dad divorced when he was younger.

 By some miracle, within two weeks of putting my little degenerate, deviant psychopaths squarely in the lap of those responsible for undermining their well being, sabotaging them and weaponizing them against a mother with MS and the only father they ever really knew-parental alienation aside-the son I left behind came into my life and I discovered that it was I, not another woman or two women with different roles. It is I who am his mother. He did not call another woman that. And it is the greatest miracle I could have been given. I would carry that pain of my whole heart living outside of my body, beyond my reach or care another 15 years and ten times over for him. If I have done one thing right-it was to walk away from my little boy to keep him from a monster. And he is an incredible person.

Change? I just turned forty. This has taken 17 years of my life, destroyed the children he impregnated me with against my will and through sabotage. But I have been 12 years with the love of a lifetime and my little boy, the spitting image of me but 6ft 2, is following in my footsteps without knowing anything of me, we both have Jeeps, Atlas Shrugged is each's favorite book and his mind and manner is so like mine that I can only feel things have come full circle. It started with us. And the nightmare ended with us- with his return to his Mother.

Sorry so long. It has been so much and within these four walls. I am blesses to have found this place. I no longer feel alone, with this 'thing', almost alive and residing alongside me. There are others.

And, even if no one reads it. I wrote it out. I put it out there. I released it to the Universe and to God. It is here now. Not alone with me, the woman who has basically lived in solitary, behind closed doors for four years.

For 12 more months, and we are then truly free.

Much love to you all. And my whole heart to anyone who had the care, patience and stamina to read this. Which should probably be my intro but I will ask mods to move it over at a later date. It was a story I didn't know how to even begin to tell. And now it seems I have.

Gods blessings and my love,

Blue
« Last Edit: June 02, 2013, 02:26:14 PM by IDK »

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practicingacceptance

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Re: "I know why the caged bird sings."
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2013, 02:40:08 PM »
 :applause:

thank you for sharing your story of many trials and amazing triumph.

Not to take them lightly, because this is a very serious situation many have had to endure, possibly similarly.

i hope and pray you and your family will continue to mend. you have shown great strength and i am sorry your life was this difficult.

regarding your MS, i do hope for a miracle for you to recover. bless you...

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alive

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Re: "I know why the caged bird sings."
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2013, 03:04:38 PM »
Hi Nightingale:
Your story is truly amazing!  :bighug:
I feared having children of my own so didn't  but I can only guess how scary that must have been for you to see your kids turn into small deviants by being raised by ex and bat woman!  I seriously wouldn't  know what to do as a parent but sounds like going non contact is right!

I am glad you have only one more year to be near the mess and then freedom!  Your body and mind need to heal!  I also can't  imagine what I would do if I had someone breaking into my home and replicating my possessions to look like me.  That is serious Fatal Attraction crazy!  And she usurped your resume as her own!  Good grief any mental wards willing to stash her away for awhile?

Please continue to take care of yourself.  Bonding with your oldest son who you managed to save...that must be very healing!  Thank goodness one child escaped the cycle!   :applause:

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Bluebird

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Re: "I know why the caged bird sings."
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2013, 10:06:13 PM »
Thank you both for your warmth and encouragement. Knowing that there are others 'on the inside' and finding this kind of support system, knowledge and personal experience has lifted a big weight from me. And made me feel just a little bit braver just when I needed it most.  :-*

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Bluebird

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Re: "I know why the caged bird sings."
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2013, 02:32:06 PM »
Fairy Tale Logic by A.E. Stallings

Fairy tales are full of impossible tasks:
Gather the chin hairs of a man-eating goat,
Or cross a sulphuric lake in a leaky boat,
Select the prince from a row of identical masks,
Tiptoe up to a dragon where it basks
And snatch its bone; count dust specks, mote by mote,
Or learn the phone directory by rote.
Always it’s impossible what someone asks—

You have to fight magic with magic. You have to believe
That you have something impossible up your sleeve,
The language of snakes, perhaps, an invisible cloak,
An army of ants at your beck, or a lethal joke,
The will to do whatever must be done:
Marry a monster. Hand over your firstborn son.

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alive

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Re: "I know why the caged bird sings."
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2013, 02:48:01 PM »
Wow!  I  enjoyed that poem...first I ever saw it.  The last line must really resonate with you Nightengale!  :Monsta:
I resonated with "Gather thec chin hairs of a man eating goat".  Lol!

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practicingacceptance

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Re: "I know why the caged bird sings."
« Reply #6 on: June 03, 2013, 03:18:23 PM »
i liked it, too. thank you for sharing.
 :)

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seemslikeadream

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Re: "I know why the caged bird sings."
« Reply #7 on: June 03, 2013, 04:15:45 PM »
Healing thoughts for you Nightingale.  You've been thru quite alot.  Peaceful and calming roads ahead.

Love the poem. :)
Don't be no fool when
Love really don't love you ("don't love you")

```Candi Stanton

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Jypsy

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Re: "I know why the caged bird sings."
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2017, 11:56:37 PM »
I have said this before about myself. I am wishing you an easy road to healing. Because I know​ too-that if the Caged Bird does not sing, she will surely die.