The Fear Cure, by Lissa Rankin

[MontanaMarie]

Hi! 

I'm new here on the forum, but not new to reading this site, nor reading and/or listening to some of this topic. 

I do realize now that my psychopathic STBX wasn't my first rodeo, teehee.  It's been a cutesy not-so-lil string of toxic folks, starting at birth (I say 'birth' not to be dramatic, but bc my brother shared with me his hearing of a 'vibrating/baby crying' noise when I was brought home... figure it was me being shaken).  I have long realized (but until reading Lundy, excused) my dad was INSANE with what he did with his anger, but only more recently began realizing all the other abuse, and via both parents.  Still, a great majority of my childhood is blank. 

I think I may have just had a new lightbulb moment, in that my 'paralysis (not physical)' might be due to 'learned helplessness.'  Ick. 

Nevertheless, I know that I stayed 'under the radar' as best as possible as a child;  that being seen or heard would likely lead to some pretty unsafe situations, and honestly, I still see valid reason for me to have feared death.  I know that 'knowing something,' or 'how to do,' or.. anything that I wasn't given specific instructions for (which then, I BEST get correct), was seen as some type of threat, and caused anger.  So I became little and 'dumb' in so many ways.  And then also, I am pretty certain I aquired the 'learned helplessness' by the definition/scientific research, also. 

If this in fact is what 'my big issue' is, I am desperate to fix it. 
My STBX told me he intended on breaking me, and I have experienced more than enough to believe him.  He (along with the father to my first two children) have taken all four of my babes.  I have not allowed them to see the devastation it has caused, BUT I have basically gotten nowhere since I left.  I cannot find my voice, I cannot pull myself together to get a job (I had quit my biz/acctg work and became SAHM), everything is being shut off, he is selling the house I am in now (I moved to our rental property), there are illegal things that I believe I could take action on, I do not have an atty.... etc., etc. 
I believe most of this, and so much more, stems from this paralysis I seem to be in. 

I apologize for the length... I never seem to be able to write short n sweet. 

Basically, I am wondering if anyone has any experience with any books I might listen to (I have two audible credits, otherwise cannot purchase a book, and find it best to listen anyway right now), that have helped them break free from this sort of thing.  Does anyone have any suggestions as to anything that helps recreate pathways, etc., similiar to what I might need?  Specifically, anything regarding 'learned helplessness,' and conquering it??

Reading through many posts, etc... I have to say that I have witnessed much love here... it's a pretty beautiful thing to see.

Thank you for reading through all that!!

[all4peace]

Welcome! I am sorry for what brings you here, as it is a very painful story of loss. As to your question, I am reading a book called The Fear Cure, by Lissa Rankin, and I think it could be helpful. It is written around 4 fear myths and 4 courage-cultivating truths. It is science based, yet weaves in spirituality, written by a medical doctor.

Four fear myths:
1. Uncertainty is unsafe.
2. I can't handle losing what I cherish.
3. It's a dangerous world.
4. I am all alone.

Four courage-cultivating truths:
1. Uncertainty is the gateway to possibility.
2. Loss is natural and can lead to growth.
3. It's a purposeful universe.
4. We are all one.

In the midst of all your pain and loss, the strength and resilience in your voice are still coming through clear. You speak of learned helplessness, the same fear and powerlessness that keep animals in cages long after the door has been opened. This book is entirely about what you're speaking about, the myths that we have that keep us small, powerless, caged, alone.

I would also suggest as much time on this forum as is helpful. This forum is full of people who have suffered and who are pulling themselves from the ashes and building better lives. Sometimes we're in moments of despair, other times of great growth and hope. Regardless, we're here together, still struggling, still fighting for life, and sharing our journey. We are glad you have found us here.

[Hattie]

So sorry to hear about your struggles, particularly not having access to your kids. That must be so hard.

I also struggle with learned helplessness. Don't have a book recommendation. But the best tip I've had on this is to try and build a sense of mastery by setting yourself small achievable goals. And to focus on one thing at a time. For example, my abusive ex moved out 6 months ago. He was a rageaholic so left a lot of chipped paintwork, dented doors etc all over the house. I set myself the goal of removing all the signs of trauma from the house. So I've painted over the marks in one room, cleaned them off the wall in another, and replaced some household items that he smashed. I still need to replace the dented doors and repaint one more room, but I'm getting there. It is a big relief to redecorate and be able to make a fresh start. Just a little tip. Good luck xxx

[tommom]

Welcome Marie! I am sorry that you experienced what you have; sad to say my life's experiences aren't all that different. I also have suffered much from learned helplessness in my life, in fact, one of my early posts here was requesting the same sort of help you have in this post.  I don't know about audible books (don't do that) but I do have some ideas that might (or might not!) be helpful. Sort of been there, done that.

Pete Walker is excellent. His specialty is C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which comes from an extended period of abuse. His book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" is excellent, but he is also online at www.pete-walker.com and that would be free and a good place, I think. (I mean it was for me.)

The best book I could suggest for anyone who has been traumatized and feels stuck is going to sound weird; it is called "The Emotional Eater's Repair Manual" by Julie Simon. Yes, you may not have eating disorders (I do, learned by me and both my sisters from my BPDm) but this book has been invaluable in many ways to me. I have also seen the same techniques she is teaching used by therapists of my own- and work. Since it is a popular book, you can find in used very, very cheaply (like $1.99 currently on Barnes and Noble, used). To me it is an amazing tool, particularly for things like you seem to be talking about. It is not a 'quick fix'. It takes a while to go through all of the exercises, writing, etc. but well worth the effort...well worth it. (She is, interestingly enough, both a practicing psychologist AND a life coach, so it is very nicely organized. )

Other things I found useful: I did 'tapping'. That's EFT, but people usually just say tapping. Sounds like a crock, its not. Although the person who helped me with it was an AMAZING psychologist, you can find YouTube videos that teach tapping for free. They usually are stuff like "attracting wealth" or some such, but tapping works on the same principle as acupuncture. That is, disrupting the "pain messages" you are sending along the nerve meridians. (What you tap on.) Apparently your brain doesn't differentiate between physical and emotion pain. I did it for about six months, lost a couple of MASSIVE phobias (those only took us an hour or so, they were actually my PDm's phobias I had absorbed) and helped with other problems, too. Changed my life, no joke. Secondly, everyone says "Journaling" and that is so true. In fact, it is a major tool used in Simon's book.

Simon suggests writing down steps (goals, if you want) on the way to get there - they are good, but I love this guy online named James Clear. (Free again.) He is about setting goals the most productive and useful way. If you are suffering from learned helplessness - like I do - you might find some of what he says useful. He also writes about methodology to establish the steps to get to a goal (he calls them 'systems'') and makes great suggestions that really aren't overwhelming to help you take steps to achieve things. Like Hattie did, just choose one small thing and do that. As you do, you will build confidence to take another step.

Best of luck to you. You do really have this, whether you know it or not right now!

Tommom