"Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" L.Bancroft

[GettingOOTF]

Lundy Bancroft is a man. It’s a large part of what makes this book such an essential read for all women.

Most books on abuse are written by women and almost all of them are written from the perspective of the victim.  Very few dig in to why the abuser does what he does.

Bancroft has run a court ordered program for men convicted of abusing their partners for decades. He has seen “the other side”. This is why his message of “they do not change” is so powerful. Not only has he seen this first hand, he has first hand and intimate experience with the abuser. He has very little contact with the victim and hears first hand, in rooms full of men who are also abusers, so these men are more likely to be upfront about what and why. This is a side very few women ever get to see and the book offers invaluable insight into the dynamics of abuse in intimate relationships.

When I read this book there was a section where the man was saying the exact same things a friend’s husband was. The EXACT same. I sent her a copy of the book. She read it and said “it was interesting but it doesn’t apply to me”. There was a section there he word for word laid out what her husband was saying and doing. Yet she simply wasn’t in a place to see it as abuse. We are so conditioned to think of abuse as physical only. It takes a lot of courage to open ourselves up to the fact that we are in abusive relationships. I was divorced by the time I was able to acknowledge the reality of my marriage. I blamed myself for all his actions and excused everything he did.

[nillah]

Read this book in 1 day because I couldn't put it down (I skipped the chapters about workplace, etc because I was reading it about my xPDh).

I have already recommended it to several of my girlfriends even though as GettingOOTF said above: when you are not ready to admit it is abuse, you will think it doesn't apply to you. I know I was in deep denial about this myself because my xPDh was not physically violent in the extreme ways and he knew how to put on intellectual charm for manipulation. So I thought he was too decent of a guy to be called an abuser. I spent YEAR protecting him and his ego anyway, always hiding our relationship problems because I was busy trying not to get others to see him badly. I had bought into the lies of lovebombing phase pretty hard.

Anyway, back to the book, as all folks have said: if you're in a relationship where you feel something unhealthy is going on but you're not quite sure, please read this book. If you just ended an unhealthy relationship and are trying to understand what happened and how to avoid it in the fture: read this book. Honestly, I'd broadly recommend this book to all young women, I sure wish I'd read it years ago.

[Happypants]

Has anyone found this book helpful for those of us who witnessed toxic dynamics between their parents?