Boundaries. What Are They?

[Spring Butterfly]

From another member:

In other words, you don't say your boundaries. You just do them.

Boundaries are not an attempt to make someone do something. They are not about getting the other person to understand and comply. Boundaries are about us getting clear inside of ourselves as to what is appropriate and necessary for our mental health, and then taking action accordingly.

[Spring Butterfly]

I came across this article and thought I share it as I found it a helpful way to think about boundaries and implement them in my every day life. This is a way to officially state them, which might not necessarily work with PDs, but we need boundaries for interactions with Non's too, and I'm not always good at setting those either. I particularly like that if you call them "Personal Policies" it is harder for others to push back against them as it is a value system and therefore personal.
http://www.wsj.com/articles/a-policy-of-saying-no-can-save-you-time-and-guilt-1450883525

Here are some quotes:

"Personal policies are an established set of simple rules that guide your decisions and actions. On the surface, they offer a gentler way of saying no, as in: "I don't take work calls on Saturdays because that's my time with family". On a deeper level, they encourage reflection, help to define priorities and aid decision-making, especially with in-the-momen requests. They can stop you from defaulting to that regretful "yes"."

"Saying "no" to someone goes against our basic need to forge and maintain connections, which were once fundamental to survival," says Kristin Sommer, a professor of psychology at Baruch College at the City University of New York. "Personal policies work because they essentially remove rejection from the equation." You're not saying "no" to the person but simply upholding your policy.

In addition, says William Urys, co-found of the Harvard Negotiation Project, "executing on (policies) consistently can signal a sense of integrity, predictability and trustworthiness, which is key to building an strong personal and profession relationship."

"Here's a simple guide to getting started: Begin by defining a priority (like making it home for family dinners), name the sources of stress that interfere (such as evening work meetings), design a personal policy around it and then let others know: "I don't take meetings after 6 p.m."

"Because personal policies are so specific to an individual, says the writer (and avid personal policy maker) Sarah Knight, "You'll find no one wants to argue with you - they'll be afraid of hurting your feelings instead."

From WSJ, 12/26/2015, "A Policy of Saying "No" Can Save You Time and Guilt", by Jennifer Breheny Wallace

Thanks for reminding me about this part.

In a second way at looking at personal policies the article deals with "I can't" versus "I don't", with "I don't" showing a higher degree of conviction. In the article it is in the context of diet or exercise to increase motivation but I'm sure this kind of phrasing can also help with setting boundaries/personal policies, a wobbly "I can't involve myself with PD drama." because we feel somewhat FOGged is much weaker than "I don't involve myself with PD drama!" and might us help to detach. At least for me, if I think "I can't take F's drama anymore", it feels I should really toughen up and dig deep into myself to find some energy to be able to "help" him with his latest crisis and I feel tired and drained. If I say to myself "I don't involve myself with F's drama!" the thought comes with and exclamation point and no other thoughts attach themselves to it, I feel energized and move on.

Here are some quotes about "I can't" vs. "I don't" from the article:

"Research shows that personal policies are also helpful in reaching personal goals, like losing weight - but the wording is important. According to a series of experiments published in the Journal of Consumer Research in 2012, telling yourself "I don't skip the gym" versus "I can't skip the gym", for example, can help motivation."

"In another study, published in the International Journal of Research in Marketing, the same researchers found that people who said "I don't" in role-playing and scenario-based exercises were more persuasive then those who said "I can't". So the next time an eager hostess tries to break your diet by offering "Just a little piece", kindly tell her, "No thank you, I don't eat cake" says Prof. Patrick. Saying "I don't" connotes a higher degree of conviction ad makes it hard for someone to push back."

From WSJ, 12/26/2015, "A Policy of Saying "No" Can Save You Time and Guilt", by Jennifer Breheny Wallace

[Spring Butterfly]

Seven Tips to Creating Healthy Boundaries:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201511/7-tips-create-healthy-boundaries-others

[Spring Butterfly]

This blog helps explain how to respond to anger and fear in a productive way. To use anger to hold to boundaries and to respond to fear to protect ourselves from abuse. The three levels of the different emotions helps because staying in the middle (mood) state of anger and fear is how many of us lived our entire lives.

Excerpts:

Anger’s job is to help you set and maintain effective interpersonal boundaries. At its most subtle level, anger helps you uphold mutual respect and keep open the lines of communication in your relationships.
. . .
If you tend to repress your anger, you’ll be unable to restore your boundaries because you won’t have the strength and focus you need to protect yourself; therefore, further damage will inevitably follow the initial affront. Your anger exists to protect you honorably. If you repress it and refuse to respond to an insult or affront, it is as if your castle sentry is inviting attacks and letting people get away with vandalism.
. . .
But when your anger is not allowed its natural flow, you’ll have trouble setting and maintaining your boundaries, you’ll tend to dishonor or enmesh with others, and your self-image will be imperiled by your reliance on the capricious opinions of the outside world.

Healthy anger sets your boundaries and helps you engage more effectively because it allows you to relate authentically and respectfully. When you have an awakened connection to your anger and a clear sense of your own boundaries, you’ll be able to honor boundaries and individuality in others; therefore, your relationships won’t be based on power struggles, projections, or enmeshment.
http://karlamclaren.com/understanding-and-befriending-anger/

Fear is not cowardice; it is the protective mechanism inside you that knows you’re not adequately prepared for whatever is coming next. Fear stops you – not to immobilize you, but to give you the time you need to gather yourself and your resources. Fear steps forward when you require extra skills – or time to take a breather – so that you can make it through the next moment. If you trust your fear and take time to focus yourself, it will give you those skills.
. . .
Your free-flowing fear brings you instincts, intuition, and focus. If you can rely upon this form of fear when you’re confused or upset, you can access the information you need to calmly figure out what’s going on; you don’t need to feel afraid to access the gifts your fear brings you.
http://karlamclaren.com/fear-intuition-instincts-and-awareness/

My conclusions: If we're too fearful to act on our anger, to claim our human rights and boundaries, then we need to adequately prepare for the task so we can without much drama simply speak our boundaries freely. Back to the Toolbox! Otherwise we get stuck spinning between anger and fear and never will get ourselves unstuck.

Emotional vocabulary list: http://karlamclaren.com/emotional-vocabulary-page/

[Spring Butterfly]

TIPS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
Some tips for strengthening boundary-setting skills are:

1. The things we say we can't stand, don't like or feel angry about may be areas screaming for boundaries.

2. When we know we need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Avoid justifying, rationalizing or apologizing.

3. We cannot set a boundary (limit) and at the same time take care of another person's feelings.

4. We will be tested when we set boundaries. Plan on it. It doesn't do any good to set a boundary until we're ready to enforce if. Often, the key to boundaries isn't convincing other people we have limits – it's convincing ourselves.

6. Be prepared to follow through by ensuring that our behavior matches the boundaries we set.  What we do needs to match what we say. Consequences and ultimatums are one  way to enforce boundaries.  We will set boundaries when we're ready, and not a minute sooner. We do it on our own time, not someone else's.

7. Healthy limits benefit everyone. People may not know they/re overstepping our boundaries-unless we fell them. People will respect people that they can't use.

8. A support system can be helpful as we strive to establish and enforce boundaries. It can be valuable to have feedback about what's normal and what our rights are. A cheering squad is very helpful as we strive to assert our rights.

9. There's a fun side to boundary setting too. We get to identify what we like, what feels good, what we want, and what brings us pleasure. That's when we begin to enhance the quality of our lives.

Healthy living means you give to people from time to time. Strive for balance. Strive for flexibility. Strive for a healthy sense of self and how you deserve to be treated.

– author unknown at this time –

https://briangrady.wordpress.com/2009/03/24/565/

[Spring Butterfly]

99 Ways to Say No

This year, I decided to follow the advice of some smart people and create a word of the year. My word — REST — is my attempt to direct my thoughts, actions, and intentions to be more rested, healthy, and whole.

When I have a choice between X and Y, I remember my word. When I need to make a decision between going out or staying home, I remember my word. When I want to drink another double shot espresso, I remember my word.

Part of the challenge in this is that it has tasked me to say "No" on many occasions when my normally overactive brain and body simply wants to shout "YES!"

Saying NO, as everyone knows, is hard. And so I've been learning to get better at it.

Recently I challenged myself to come up with 50 ways to say NO.

My aim was that each word or phrase should be truthful, firm, and not apologetic or explanatory. (Sometimes I succeeded wildly, sometimes not so much.) My readers eat up the list, and sent me tons of great phrases to add.

And then, I wondered if I could do better.

Could I come up with 99?

I could. And I did.

99 Ways to Say No

Not now.
Look! Squirrel! (This was the best NO suggestion I received from a commentor on my earlier post. I can't wait to use it.)
My word of the year is REST, so I can't fit another thing in.
Nope.
No thanks, I won't be able to make it.
Not this time.
Heck no.
No way, Jose. (Since my husband is named Jose, this is a favorite in our house.)
Regrettably, I'm not able to.
It's that time of the year when I must say no.
It's a Wednesday. I have a "No on Wednesday" policy.
Ask me in a year.
I know someone that might be a fit for that. I'll email you their information.
You're so kind to think of me, but I can't.
Maybe another time.
Sounds great, but I can't commit.
Rats! Would've loved to.
I'm slammed.
Perhaps next season when things clear up.
I'm at the end of my rope right now so have to take a raincheck.
If only it worked.
I'll need to bow out.
I'm going to have to exert my NO muscle on this one.
I'm taking some time.
Thanks for thinking of me, but I can't.
I'm in a season of NO.
I'm not the girl for you on this one.
I'm learning to limit my commitments.
I'm not taking on new things.
Another time might work.
It doesn't sound like the right fit.
I'm RESTing right now.
I'm not sure I'm the best for it.
No thank you, but it sounds lovely.
It sounds like you're looking for something I'm not able to give right now.
I believe I wouldn't fit the bill, sorry.
It's not a good idea for me.
Not now.
I'm trying to cut back.
I won't be able to help.
If only I had a clone!
I'm not able to set aside the time needed.
I won't be able to dedicate the time I need to it.
I'm head-down right now on a project, so won't be able to.
I wish there were two of me!
I'm honored, but can't.
NoNoNoNoNoNo.
I'm booked into something else.
I'm not able to make that time.
Thanks, but no thanks.
I'm not able to make it this week/month/year.
Bye now.
I've got too much on my plate right now.
I'm not taking on anything else right now.
Bandwidth is low, so I won't be able to make it work.
I wish I could make it work.
Not possible.
I wish I were able to.
If only I could!
I'd love to — but can't.
Darn! Not able to fit it in.
Nah.
No thanks, I have another commitment.
Unfortunately, it's not a good time.
Sadly I have something else.
Unfortunately not.
I have something else. Sorry.
Apologies, but I can't make it.
Thank you so much for asking. Can you keep me on your list for next year?
I'm flattered you considered me, but unfortunately I'll have to pass this time.
And my favorite, "Oh I wish I could help but you know, I bet Claire could help you with that."
Thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately it's just not a match.
No, sorry, that's not really my thing
Can I get back to you on that?
Ew.
No, I'd rather you didn't, but thanks anyway
I can't make it work.
It just won't fit right now.
I'm really buckling down on my priorities right now, so I can't.
No say I.
What's the compensation?
How much are you able/willing to pay
Ick.
Are you able to better that offer?
Sorry, no can do.
I only say yes to very select opportunities, and unfortunately this doesn't meet my criteria.
The demands would be too much for me.
It's not feasible for me to take this on.
I wish I had all the time in the world.
My body double can.
In another life.
I cry, but decline.
My advisors won't agree to it.
My body says yes, but my heart says No.
I'm not the person you're looking for.
I don't have an iota of bandwidth left in my brain.
If only.
N to the O.
NO.

From: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20130501190655-52397036-100-ways-to-say-no?trk=pulse-det-nav_art

[Spring Butterfly]

Balance

Here are a few tips for finding the sweet spot in your ego...

Practice empathy - Take a walk in someone else's shoes. Imagine what their experience of this moment is like. Consider the impact of your words and actions on them. If you're unsure, ask them how they feel. Really listen.

Get crystal clear on boundaries - Know what's okay and not okay with you. Get comfortable with saying, "No", "Yes", and "Let me think about that". Be assertive, not passive nor aggressive.

Hit the reset button - Start an "Improve & Remove" list. Notice what you want more of, and what you want less of in your life. Be proactive. Develop a plan. Take action.

Be open. Be aware. Stop judging. - Just be present. Drop into the now. With a mindful awareness of your values, intentions, and goals and an unconditional acceptance of others, you can stay grounded and keep your ego in check.

Focus on the good - When you're feeling the metaphorical smack down, get up & brush yourself off. Remind yourself of your worth and lessons learned. Discover the wisdom in the experience and vow to do better next time. Don't fall prey to fear, judgment, and self doubt. Those too need to be acknowledged, measured, and balanced.

Know your truth - The more internalized your values have become, the easier it is to confront, deal with or simply walk away from something that is truly wrong.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201512/the-narcissistic-injury

[Spring Butterfly]

Setting Boundaries is Essential to your Empowerment

There is so much to say about boundaries and how foundational they are for our sense of self. In this post, I'll focus mainly on the relationship between our self-worth and our ability to set healthy boundaries effectively.

Without firm boundaries, we can easily become "merged" or enmeshed with others, causing us to emotionally caretake, be overly responsible, or neglect our own needs. When boundaries are too rigid we isolate ourselves and push others away.

Healthy boundaries are "selectively permeable." They are not too rigid nor too loose (not extreme). Rather, they are flexible and can be opened or firm when needed, much like a healthy cell.

Boundaries are related to our early attachment needs as children. They pose the question: 'Where do I end and where do you begin?' All of us started out in life as a "we" when we were infants bonded with our mothers. Being securely attached to our mothers helped us internalize this sense of security and helped us to form our own healthy, separate sense of self. If we were not securely attached to our mothers, we may have developed a background sense of inner insecurity and on a subconscious level, we may still be looking for this security from other people as adults.

On one side of the spectrum, this can cause us to have very weak boundaries, letting in anyone who remotely relates to us with care and affection, being too trusting, or having a very high tolerance for poor treatment from others. Weak boundaries can open us up to being taken advantage of by others and can cause us to be on an emotional roller coaster, because our sense of security is not yet fully anchored within ourselves.

Confidence and Feeling Safe in your own Skin

An important step in developing healthy boundaries is learning that no outer person can provide the inner safety that you need; the time for that is only in early childhood and that time is over. However, as adults we can mourn that lost opportunity and develop inner safety within.

Knowing ourselves as individuals is essential to true intimacy and connection. As we fine-tune our self-awareness, we can know more fully our own needs, desires and preferences. Taking the time and space for your inner work is an important form of self-care and it reinforces a deep sense of integrity.

It's a paradox that the more centered and grounded we are in our own inner sense of self, the better partners and friends we are able to become.

The old paradigm: Compliance with others = Acceptance from others

You are the expert on You. It's OK to be yourself, to have differing needs and preferences than those around you. This may seem obvious but we're surrounded with the images of desirable females being the most yielding and most willing to be dominated. These messages remain in our subconscious until we actively dismantle them. Have you ever caught yourself having a background thought that surprised you? This happened to me when I ran into some friends I hadn't seen in a while and had gained a few pounds. I noticed an impulse to say something like "I haven't been to the gym in a while. I've been so busy lately." I was disturbed by this impulse to apologize for and provide a narrative for others about changes in my own body. Noticing this impulse was very informative on the power of unconscious messages and how they can emerge into our daily lives even though we don't consciously agree with them.

What you say No to determines the success of what you say Yes to.

Our boundaries determine what we say yes and no to. Learning how to say No is a skill and an art. Before asserting a boundary, It's important to take the time we need to process emotions like rage and fear that may be initially present so that we come from our highest integrity in the exchange. Anytime we can communicate a clear and clean "No" devoid of bitterness or negativity, we are demonstrating a high-level of self-worth.

Sometimes loving someone involves affirming your separateness, not your sameness.

We give our power away when we accept the shame that others project onto us because of their own unprocessed pain. We serve others, not by accepting their pain as our own, but by highlighting their ability to make new choices. Don't feel obligated to absorb pain that isn't yours.

Healthy boundaries: Sovereignty of Self

Shame is a toxic emotion instilled in us from childhood that causes us to soften our will, to feel less sure of ourselves, less powerful and thus more compliant to the wishes of others. When we set firm, healthy boundaries we are reclaiming ourselves from the toxic shame we may have experienced in childhood and asserting our sovereignty as individuals with the power and right to define who we are, and what we will or will not allow into the sacred space of ourselves.

For others, being in your life is a privilege...not a right

As we continue to realize our true worth, we are less willing to tolerate the people, circumstances and situations in our lives that do not reflect our worth and self-respect. No one has a right to be in your world; nor is anyone entitled to your time. If people want to have the privilege of being in your life, it must be earned by treating you with consideration and respect. As you emerge into greater self-worth and set new boundaries, the people who may have felt entitled to a place in your life may protest or object, unconsciously seeking to instill a sense of guilt or obligation in you, perhaps calling you ungrateful or selfish for holding your boundaries firm.

Do you give your power away and acquiesce to their demands? Or do you respectfully communicate your boundaries even in the face of their disapproval? How you respond to that is a reflection of your self-worth.

Healing the "good girl" syndrome

As little girls we were rewarded for being relational, compliant, quiet and invisible. The covert message is that you don't deserve to have ownership of yourself. Messages about the primacy of appearance and sex-appeal also communicate that "Your body is not your own. It exists for the pleasure of others." These early cultural and familial messages may have caused us to develop, to some degree, a false self. This false self helped us gain acceptance from others but at the cost of our own authentic needs and desires.

Maturity involves shedding the false self and discovering our authentic self---separating out our true needs and wants from the fake ones we took on in order to survive.

In the process of discovering our true, authentic needs and desires things may change in our lives which can be very challenging, but ultimately the changes will bring new forms in our lives that reflect who we really are. People in our lives who have been used to us being compliant, submissive or docile may be surprised or feel inconvenienced when we assert our boundaries.

A Quote from Eve Ensler:
"To be a strong woman, to be a fierce woman, to be a true woman, to be a leader, to be truly powerful, you have to get to place where you can tolerate people not liking you. And know that when you actually do that, you have to fall back on your own moral imperative in your own moral trunk and say, 'I don't care, this is what I believe. This is who I am.'"

You are your own treasure. You belong to You.

Having healthy boundaries involves being connected to your worth, being anchored to your own center of truth, and being willing to communicate with those around you authentically. It's a skill that can be learned, practiced and refined over time. When starting out it may seem scary but each time it gets easier and more empowering. Over time, we start attracting more and more people that that are willing to respect our new, healthy boundaries. The ones who are unwilling to do so will pass out of your life.

When we have healthy boundaries, we feel increasingly safe and supported within ourselves and we also become more effective at everything we do.

___________________________________________________________

Questions to contemplate on boundaries:
• In what ways am I giving myself away?
• What am I taking in that I should be refusing?
• In what ways was I rewarded for having weak boundaries as a child?
• What are some current opportunities in my life to start setting healthy boundaries?
• What do I need to say No to, so that I can more effectively live out my "Yes" to the things I truly desire?
•Part of having healthy boundaries is respecting those of others. Are there any ways I am violating the boundaries of others?

http://www.womboflight.com/setting-boundaries-is-essential-to-your-empowerment/

[bloomie]

Please note that though I am posting this it is actually an insightful take on boundaries that is authored and quoted from member Leonor's response in another thread. The team wanted to add this excellent post to our Boundary thread resource. Original thread from which this quote is copied is found here: http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=77651.msg676310#msg676310

Hi Cordelia,

I´m so sorry you´re going through this. I have been, too, for many many years, and it´s caused anguish, anxiety and pain for me and my h. Both of us grew up in dysfunction and abuse, and it is so hard to see your way through the fog when it lays so thick all about you.

If you don´t mind, I´d like to share with you some thoughts that have helped me stay clear in my mind when everyone else around me is  so FOG'gy they´re all bumping into each other:

1. It´s not me, it´s not him, it´s not them. It´s the pattern. It´s the illness. It´s the dysfunction. When I hear myself saying or thinking ¨Well, I ...¨ or ¨If only he ...¨ or ¨I can´t believe that they ...¨, I check myself and change the word: ¨Well, the pattern is ...¨, ¨If only this illness were ..." or "I can't believe that the dysfunction ..." It helps me de-personalize the situation (this is something being done to me) as well as helps me stay in a neutral, if not compassionate, place towards my h. and inlaws (this is something that they are doing). This is a pattern, a pattern I can trace back generations, a pattern we are all caught up in, and the current situation is just revealing that pattern to me.

2. It's not a motive. It's not a message. It's data. When I hear myself saying or thinking about why someone would do such a thing, or what exactly do they want from me, or how I should go about responding to this or that, I check myself. It's data. It's a fact or a figure, the way that percentages or pie charts are facts and figures. And no skewing, like "It is a fact that my MIL has a personality disorder" or "It is observable that my h. loves his family more than me". Instead: "It is a fact that when we have lent our parents money, they spent it on beer and did not repay it" or "It is a fact that when my inlaws come over, I get nauseous." Then we can decide what to do with that data: "Mom says she doesn't have enough money to buy her prescriptions. Do we lend her money? Well, it is a fact that the last time we gave Mom money, she spent it on beer and did not repay us." You can use that data to get mad at Mom ("She never even said thank you!") or to argue with h. ("But why is it so hard for you to see that your mother is an alcoholic?") or to make a decision: "We will not give Mom any money."

3. It's not a boundary for them. It's not a boundary with h. It's a boundary for you, and it is yours.  This is the hardest one of all. When you say, "I'm going NC with MIL", it doesn't mean that all of a sudden no one, including MIL or h. (least of all MIL or h!) are going to say, "Oh, let's leave Cordelia alone, because she has this boundary now." If they were capable of that, then you wouldn't need to set boundaries in the first place. Instead, you stating NC is an invitation for your MIL to push back even harder: she will knock at the door, peer in the windows, slip letters under the mailbox, peer through the garden plantings. And because your h. is afraid that something terrible will happen to him if Mom is upset (remember, pattern! long ago!), he is going to feel extreme anxiety and want to soothe that anxiety by soothing Mom. Which means that he will gift that anxiety to you, because you are the Safe Person with Boundaries.

So what's the point? Well, if I'm upset that my boundaries were not respected, I have to take a good long look in the mirror. When my h. came home from his parents' place in a huff, did I smile and welcome him and allow his feelings to dissipate on their own? Or did I follow him around until he told me what had happened? When his mom ticked me off royally, did I do something healthy with my anger, like going out for a long run, or did I run her down to h.? When his f. called, did I leave the room and listen to music on my phone, or did I kind of hang out and "overhear" their conversation? And if SIL sent me a text or a letter, did I delete it ... or did I read it after all? In other words, who's the person not respecting my boundary? Usually ... me!

Right now, you're all in the FOG. It's o.k. Remember, you've all been raised in the FOG, to function in FOG, to feel more comfortable in the FOG than out of it. The FOG is not evil or weakness or cruelty. It's just FOG. And just as you can move through fog, you can move through FOG (don't worry, it will roll back in so you'll always have an opportunity to practice!)

"Dear, I love you and I know you worry about your Mom (pattern). But last time we talked about her, we got into an argument (data). Let's save this for counseling (boundary)."
"Dear, I see that your Mom has called and wants to talk with me (pattern). But the last time we talked she said some things that hurt my feelings (data). I'd rather not talk right now (boundary)."
"Dear, I know that your family usually spends the holidays together (pattern). But the last time we went to your parents' house, your father had too much to drink and your sister stormed out of the room. I'd rather spend the day elsewhere (boundary)"

Wishing you much peace and gentleness!