"Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker

[voicelessagony]

...Then, once we have the bravery and strength to stand up and say THIS is what happened, THIS is what I feel, THIS is what I know, we have to deal with a whole buncha other bullshit in the form of people from relatively normal backgrounds who do not get, at all, how adults can still be suffering from shit that happened to them when they were kids. Get over it, they say. You are responsible for your life, they say. Every family is dysfunctional, they say. But they don't have a fucking clue actually and with their dismissive attitude they are re-triggering the trauma of not being believed, not being heard, not being understood ALL over again. It's crazy how this cycle perpetuates. I am perceived as weak, as someone who hasn't got their shit together, someone who can't seem to make it despite talents, by people who don't have to deal with my background....

OMG I can't believe it... you know EXACTLY what I have been dealing with all my adult life. Every time I tried to tell someone, for the last 30+ years, that SOMETHING IS WRONG with me, I get the same - sometimes well intentioned, sometimes not - pat on the head, "there, there, dear, nothing is wrong with you! you are beautiful! Look at those eyes! And smart, too! You have no reason to have low self esteem!" Or, even better, it's dismissed as "depression" by people who don't really understand depression either.

...If they only knew how strong I am, how powerful I have had to be just to stay alive this long; if they could see what I have survived, then they would be in awe. But they don't. They just see the part of me that has been shaped by the damage and they are disappointed because I don't "live up to my potential". It is so hurtful to have to face this kind of judgment and then to be treated as though I am making some kind of lame excuse when I try to tell them about my past.

This is happening to me right now, except what they see is the polished, suit/dress-wearing professional image. I'm fucked even more because I have always been so vain, and put so much effort into my appearance for the very reason that I feel so ugly and unworthy. And UNFORTUNATELY, it has worked. I am really good at looking the part: fashionable, presentable, and making small talk at parties. But I can't get a job, I'm completely emotionally and mentally crippled by my condition - it has gotten progressively worse over the years. I only learned about CPTSD less than a week ago, so I'm at the very very very beginning of recovery!

[Phoenix Rising]

I am about half way through this book atm... It's very insightful and relatable so far.

For me, this book is an explanation and more validation of the many ways my FOO and other toxic people have torn me bit by bit. Really recommend it to those who have been connected or are still connected to PDs and abused.  I find I have to take a break, sometimes after a few pages or chapters.. not due to the quality of the writing but how much information I am taking in. It's a lot. So many lightbulbs have gone off and I need the break to process and reflect.

As I've read each page, I've felt like a missing piece of the puzzle has finally been found. For decades, I've been unable to explain to professionals (until recently diag w/ CPTSD) about my "history" or the kind of PD people I've encountered. Often been met with comments that suggested I had a part in the abuse or that every family member, boyfriend, friend is like the toxic person I described (normalizing PD abuse). Some didn't know what to make of it. I'd end up helping myself but also spinning my wheels and not know why.

Flashbacks are accurately described as well as some behaviours used to cope with the trauma and/or ongoing abuse from FOO e.g. busyness, people pleasing. There appears to be some great resources, mantras and more for managing this and working through the grief. Haven't come across all of them yet as I am still reading. But for the first time in a very, very, very long time, I have a concrete starting point and hope.

[Hilltop]

I have just finished this book and loved it.  I got so much out of it.  I had read a lot of other books which certainly led me to feel validated that my FOO was not normal but I felt something lacking in where to start with healing.  I feel this book just gave me a place to start with concrete steps to take.  I really understood the flashbacks and finally understood what had been happening to me.  I feel relief that I now have steps to help myself when it happens again.

For the first time ever I was able to go beneath my usual feeling of hurt and anger and I actually felt fear in the pit of my stomach.  It amazed me that there was this feeling of fear there and it amazed me more that  by doing the steps outlined in the book, I felt much better and was able to deal with my emotions.

I understood how I am the freeze type and how I react and how that affects me.  It really opened my eyes to a lot of things I was doing and how it was affecting me.  Definitely recommend this book, I will come back and re-read it again later as I feel it will be a useful tool as I move forward to keep me on the right track.

[Gointothelight]

I know this is an old topic, but this book is sooo good explaining childhood trauma. I read it, read it again and will keep reading it. Great resource.