Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well

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Tungsten

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Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« on: April 24, 2014, 04:44:52 PM »
Is anyone else dealing with autism spectrum disorder behaviour as well? I don't even know where to begin. I also don't really like giving too much personal information either, so this isn't easy to explain, but I am sure that both of my parent's are on the autism spectrum, but my mother has other problems too. After alot of reading it seems like BPD. I gave her some books about autism and she agrees that she can see herself in them, which is good because at least we have that solid ground to stand on.

When I was reading the thread about little things turning into big disasters it reminded me of living at home. Whenever I would do some cooking my mother would complain, loudly and angrily. I thought I was a pretty good teenager cooking soup or baking for my lunches at work through the week rather than buying a take away lunch. I was saving money too.

She just used to fly off the handle because the house would smell of my cooking afterwards. If you cook food, it smells, that's life.

But I wonder if this is more of an asd sensory issue with smell rather than a control thing. I don't know. Around every corner there was a new explosion waithing to happen which came out of seemingly nowhere. Home was not a home. It was a place where you were scared to do anything in case my Mum went ballistic for seemingly no reason what-so-ever. Most days would be ok to leave your breakfast dishes before leaving the house, another day the world had ended if you didn't do them. There was this one particular day when she wouldn't let it go that I hadn't done the dishes, but I had never been told to do them before leaving the house any day prior to that. There was no consistency.

I remember another time my sister was playing the piano. I was quiet proud of her and taking a video on my phone. She's talented musically. Next thing my Mum stomps loudly through from the other end of the house, pauses to glare at us and slams the door because we are making too much noise.

It wasn't easy. My Dad is probably on the spectrum too, so very black and white about everything as well, but thankfully he has no pd as far as I gather, and is relatively easy going unless he gets a bee in his bonnet about something. If he really feels strongly about something he can get a bit obsessed with it and has trouble letting it go. I must say though, being very focussed is a good thing when channelled productively. He's really good around the house with diy stuff and fixing things.

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Tungsten

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2014, 06:10:01 AM »
Tumbleweed... This is the third forum I've been on trying to find out if anyone else can relate. I guess I just have to find my own way of coping. I've noticed a lot of people on here seem to be dealing with NPD, which isn't the problem I'm facing. I know someone with a N mother who has always trying to meddle in everything she did. It made me appreciate my Mum a lot more because mostly she lets me be myself, even if she is a little difficult to understand at times. I even bought my parents an anniversary card reading "To the best parents in the world!" because I was so grateful that they weren't narcasists. I think this may not be the right forum for me. I wish you all the best.

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water

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2014, 10:21:14 AM »
Most people don't have experience with autism spectrum disorders unfortunately.

Correctly or incorrectly, I see the spectrum from one extreme to the other, from over attention, to under attention, manifesting in sensory issues as with autism to the former, manifesting in under attention, distractability as with ADD or ADHD, to the latter.

The over attention, possibly sensory issues, I understand, and I see with it some passive aggressiveness (PA) (dishes done, dishes not done), along with the similarities it has with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) (things must be *just* this way). Possibly you can glean some tools and perspective by paying attention to the posts about PA and OCD.

This 'blow up' around every corner, is disquieting, and inconsistent with raising children in a calm home. It is consistent with dealing with people making decisions based on their emotions and not having a 'big thought out plan'. I feel that having a big thought out plan gives consistency to the situation and provides structure to children, and that is a good thing.

I hope you can find help in way to wade through the situation to give you more understanding of it. ~Water

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Emotion Overload

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2014, 10:40:34 AM »
You might want to post this on the unchosen forum.  I know there are people there with asperger's, and perhaps even some with parents on the SPD spectrum.  Not everyone checks this part of the forum.
Good luck.

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IDK

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2014, 10:48:41 AM »
OOTF is not just for those who have NPD loved ones.  So, don't feel you're in the wrong forum.  The fact is, your mothers behavior is not right and you're hurting from it.

You know when I first came here, I was sure my MIL had OCPD.  Not diagnosed by a professional, just from my extensive research.

My MIL doesn't like the smell of food in her home.  When we would go to her home, haven't walked inside her home in almost three years, no one touched anything because it would set her off.

The more me and one of my daughters would read, we saw she was more NPD than OCPD.  The reason we feel is because she will actually tell my husband that she demands to be treated "special" when she comes to our home.  And there are many many other traits that made use veer to NPD.

She also split her two adult children so she could lie about one to the other.  How sad and wrong.

You sound so calm and loving.  Stay that way.  You care about your family a great deal and I admire that.  But, don't forget about you.  I'm sure you read about the 51% Rule in the Toolbox above.  Something all of us here should keep in mind.

So, while you are researching, take care of you.  I wish I would have, I got so lost in "them" that I totally forgot about me.

Take care.   :hug:


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IDK

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2014, 10:50:15 AM »
You might want to post this on the unchosen forum.  I know there are people there with asperger's, and perhaps even some with parents on the SPD spectrum.  Not everyone checks this part of the forum.
Good luck.

Good catch EO! :thumbup:

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Toby

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2014, 11:24:02 AM »
For me, it is different to discuss my FOO concerning their traits of PDD-NOS such as ADHD or my friends with children of ASD...than say a narcissist or a passive aggressive by choice.

  My Mom was birthed by forceps back in the day...pre-C section. It caused many variants of symptoms as well as chemical imbalances and then called handicaps. Living within this atmosphere was not the same as other kids families- yet the opportunity for me to learn to walk a mile in her shoes was there.

 Yes, it left scars...but as in childbirth -we change. I went No contact (NC) for the last decade as I could not handle her thinking and how she manipulated me. The decision was a long time coming: I did it with the help and at the suggestion of my therapist. I could not trust Mom...but not because of what she had...but because of whom she chose to be to get ahead.

Mind you...in all fairness...she did save lives while nursing, was quite the charmer with her speech impediment and awkward gait, very beautiful woman and I do love her for what she tried to give and did positively accomplish in life. But to me...it was a h3ll growing up equitable to a horror film. Hence the C-PTSD.

But finally ...yes...thank God...finally- I have peace.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2014, 11:28:21 AM by Toby »
~No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~Eleanor Roosevelt

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daughter

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #7 on: April 25, 2014, 12:04:44 PM »
I've a teen DS with Aspergers, which is high-functioning form of autism.  I see certain patterns of behavior between my npd-enmeshed parents (my mother's also clearly bpd) and my son.  Biggest difference is the malevolence factor: my son can be blind to social-interaction aspects of his expectations, while my parents clearly feel entitled to do so because they're "special people" superior to others and therefore entitled to obedience, subservience, and acquiescence.  My son is a good person, and remorseful after an angry outburst; my parents aren't, ever, remorseful or apologetic - they pretend it never occurred, or state that it was provoked and therefore justified (because they weren't "getting their way").  See the difference?

Being on the autistic spectrum is no justification for rude behavior or explosive anger.  Therapy for AS folks focuses upon social rules and behavior boundaries.  Perhaps your mother would be best served by seeking therapy for her tantrums, and to coincidently determine whether she's AS too.  Best wishes. 
« Last Edit: April 25, 2014, 12:06:55 PM by daughter »

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Toby

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #8 on: April 25, 2014, 02:13:06 PM »
((Daughter))...

Quote
My son is a good person, and remorseful after an angry outburst; my parents aren't, ever, remorseful or apologetic - they pretend it never occurred, or state that it was provoked and therefore justified (because they weren't "getting their way").  See the difference?

    Thank you for offering the words, that I could not find. It helped me with clarity as well.
~No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~Eleanor Roosevelt

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NewSophisticatedMe

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2014, 05:51:47 AM »
Daughter explains a key point very well.

My whole FOC is High Functioning Autistic, including myself.  My parents are uNPD.  We discovered both issues about the same time, and in learning about both around the same time, I understand how confusing it is.  There are so many similarities between ASD and PD.  I did find this article that does explain some of the differences between ASD and BPD:
http://aspertypical.com/2013/06/12/the-borderline-of-aspergers-the-similarities-between-borderline-personality-disorder-and-autism/

If your parents do have ASD and you are an NT (Neurotypical, the opposite of ASD), it can make for a very difficult kidhood.  Basically, it can be an abusive situation, and counseling may be an excellent option in helping you work through difficulties from that.  Another resource is a website called Wrong Planet.  It is for Autistics and their families and may help with some understanding of their behaviors.

Good luck on your search for answers, and as IDK stated, be sure and take care of yourself.  No matter what your situation is, self-care is vitally important to your well being.  {{{hugs}}}
I'm tired of playing ball in a game where I'm the ball.

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kiwihelen

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2014, 07:02:13 AM »
Hi Tungsten, I come from a family of neurodiverse with the complete grab bag of both diagnosed and undiagnosed spectrum disorders. My formal diagnosis is dyspraxia, but a few experiments with Ritalin strongly suggest ADHD. My brother has two diagnosed ASD kids and he struggles with social functioning.
The BIG difference IMHO between neurodiverse conditions and PDs is the responsibility taken for bad behaviour. I've got real issues with noise and can get very distressed by excessive noise. But I will do everything in my power to prevent it becoming an issue (I carry mouldable ear plugs with me in case a venue is too loud) and if I become distressed, I will be apologetic to those around me for my behaviour.
Both my ex H and my SOs exW are likely PDs. They neither prevented or apologized. SO is diagnosed ADHD and we've both had to learn to not over apologise!

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torsornin

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #11 on: April 27, 2014, 08:48:11 PM »
my hubby has ASD and he does not act like that. He does get some N traits though. But he is consistent in his traits. He doesnt wobble back and forth, the rules are clear.

Both he and I have sensory issues (oddly enough I have more but am NT) and again they are always the same. The rules never change. My experience with ASD and with other people that I talk to - it is the same with my experience regarding the rules. They dont change. In fact Aspies THRIVE on rules and order - if the order changes for whatever reason THAT is when they get distressed. Any change in their routine has to be very planned out by them and you.

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whataboutbob

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #12 on: April 27, 2014, 09:38:51 PM »
I have a problem with the "special needs" and "autistic" diagnosis. Seeing a special needs kid is as obvious as the thumbs on our hands. The PDs and especially the ASPDs (psychopathic, conduct disorder) kids often get diagnosed as autistic or special needs kids because the "criminally insane" make no sense to the normal person. My ASPD's son was described by her as "autistic" and "special needs" but after 6 months of psychiatric hospitalization, 6 months of residential treatment; and a battery of the full spectrum of psychological, psychiatric and educational assessments threes later all they could come up with was that "they had never seen anything like it before" and the final diagnosis was "developmental delay" (which Martha Stout, a Harvard Professor expert in psychopaths) said is often what the younger psychopaths get diagnosed with.   I also know that "developmental delay" is really "failure to thrive"; the consequence of really abusive parenting. In her mind no one was going to hold her (my ex ASPD) accountable and for sure no one was going to expect her son be responsible. The special need for him was to be held accountable and parented well. In the end my a ASPD ex was a "covetous sociopath" that had created and "abrasive sociopathic" child that she used for sympathy, license to be a horrible parent, and get attention and pity. His and her behaviors were so foul after 8 pm when the masks came off that there is no word to describe it. He would eat every thing in the house; poop into the toilet and then put two rolls of toilet paper into the toilet; then, he was so "special needs" that he couldn't even use a plunger -- guess who got to clean up the mess?  There were hundreds of similar behaviors on a daily basis like this (abrasive sociopathic).  Until we've see the ASPDs personally we can not describe it to another. My favorite experience was waking up in the morning, finding my ex ASPD on the cold tile floor naked, and her IUD (which looked like a plastic tooth pick) on the counter. WTF? I'm not angry any more, I'm free and safe, but.... the PD thing defies all sanity and logic.

I do know that real autistic kids (a close friend of mine worked with them in the school setting for 30 years) have a distinct set of behaviors. If they're walking and talking; working, and functioning at all: they're probably PDs with high IQs and do not qualify for the Special Olympics. Asperger's are probably abrasive sociopath. But, that's my opinion.

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itmakesense

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #13 on: April 27, 2014, 11:13:07 PM »
Ummm, bob I strongly disagree. As we have disagreed before I'm not going to engage with this dialogue except to say that my daughter is developmentally delayed but she is SO not pd. furthermore my niece is most likely undiagnosed autistic with other diagnosis as well. I am also a teacher with a special education certification. Your assessment may be true for your situation but it is not true as a general statement.

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itmakesense

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2014, 11:14:38 AM »
((Daughter))...

Quote
My son is a good person, and remorseful after an angry outburst; my parents aren't, ever, remorseful or apologetic - they pretend it never occurred, or state that it was provoked and therefore justified (because they weren't "getting their way").  See the difference?

    Thank you for offering the words, that I could not find. It helped me with clarity as well.

I apologize for my abrasive post. I shouldn't have replied when I did as I was upset. I have worked with 4 diagnosed autistic students. The above quote is more demonstrative of my experience with autistic kids. They can be socially awkward and do have angry outbursts but they are remorseful and are accountable for their behavior. 

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whataboutbob

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #15 on: April 28, 2014, 07:10:23 PM »
I love you LoveAlways and love when you disagree with me. My point is that a truly special child does have a lot of needs and I know how much work it takes on your part to keep up with it. My point is that you know that your child has real problems but the sociopaths often get that diagnosis too and hide behind it; or the parents hide behind it to get attention. An accurate diagnosis isn't necessary for the parents dealing with a real issue. I just protest when the PDs use innocent children (and it affects people like you that are working your butt off to raise a child that needs lots of work) to get attention and banter their children around when there is no one else to abuse. I suspect that we're arguing about the same point. Do you know a PD that is abusing their child under the umbrella of special needs? NAMI is the most wonderful place in the world but the creepy do creep in for attention; not support. My exaspd has destroyed her son's life to justify her right to abuse him. So, if the diagnosis is accurate I'm all in. If the diagnosis is manufactured by a PD then I protest. Does that help?

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itmakesense

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2014, 09:15:09 PM »
 :bighug:

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okaynow

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Re: Dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders As Well
« Reply #17 on: May 08, 2014, 04:44:02 AM »

I do know that real autistic kids (a close friend of mine worked with them in the school setting for 30 years) have a distinct set of behaviors. If they're walking and talking; working, and functioning at all: they're probably PDs with high IQs and do not qualify for the Special Olympics. Asperger's are probably abrasive sociopath. But, that's my opinion.

My daughter has Aspergers- she's walking and talking and very academically gifted but is clearly also autistic. She's the most caring, gentle soul I've ever met who doesn't have a mean bone in her body. She's extremely gentle with her younger sister and nice to everyone. But... she has trouble conversing, especially over the phone when she can't see the person, she has trouble with the 'wh' questions, she has obsessive compulsive tendencies, she has meltdowns over tiny things that are not directed at other people but are her letting off steam and frustration for being overloaded. Definitely not even close to a sociopath with a high IQ, her brain is just entirely visual, as mine tends to be as well. It makes it hard for her to follow conversation as fluently, but she talks well enough that you might not notice it as first. She learned to read before she fully learned to talk.