"Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" By Karyl McBride

[AugustJoy]

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?  Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
by Karyl McBride
Free Press
2008
ISBN-13:  978-1-4165-5132-4
ISBN:10:  1-4165-5132-8

I liked this book a lot.  It is a good start - very easy to read and short.  It doesn't have a lot of details, but the author is a therapist, so I think the purpose of the small amount of information may be for people to get further help.  The book does go a little bit into some of the more abusive Nmoms, but its also has a lot of validation for those of us whose Nmoms were more covert.  The only drawback I found is that it emphasizes some of the "show moms" who are mainly interested in appearance.  My mother's vanity was a bit different.

I really like the way the author framed her 3 step recovery model.  She emphasizes how a lot of people have trouble with the middle step and skip too fast into the last step.  Step 1 = learning, diagnosing, understanding.  Step 2 = processing feelings, grieving, reprogramming negative messages.  (Step 2 requires dealing with a lot of traumatic events from the past.)  Step 3 = reframing, viewing differently, changing.

This model has really helped me view my own efforts in a way I can understand, and gives me some hope.

[AugustJoy]

I just noticed I could have wrote this a little better when I wrote "more abusive Nmoms."  I was referring to those Nmoms whose physical abuse and/or neglect was so overt that others noticed.  I didn't mean to compare different forms of abuse, or imply that the book makes a comparison. 

[SeekingAnswers]

This was one of the first books on NPD which I read.  I don't have a lot to compare it to (have only read one other book on NPD), but I would definitely recommend it, even as a start.

The author describes the different types of narcissistic mothers and the different effects it has on daughters.  I saw a lot of myself and my mother in the descriptions and it really helped me understand why I do the things I do.  Most of all, I finally saw, in black and white, that such behaviour exists- the descriptions of the engulfing, secretly mean mother describes my mother perfectly and I finally knew for sure that I wasn't just imagining things.

I think that her suggestions on healing really points one in the right direction. 

[sunshine702]

Ok this was my lightbulb moment.  I googled "I hate my toxic mother" out of the Fear , Obligation, Guilt of an upcomming trip to "visit" me after my beloved dog had just died and I was grieving and just couldn't deal with her horse and pony show.  I stumbled upon a blog that mentioned this book and Dr. Mc Bride's website.  I finally had a name for all the b.s. I have dealt with!  I finally saw the patterns in choosing the exact same type of abusive men to escape from her.  I bought the book and the worshop so I could begin my recovery over a long holiday weekend while the book was coming.  The book was better but this is an awsome eye opening first step!

[HealingMeFL]

This is one of my favorite books, even though I'm stuck in Step 2.  I just haven't been able to force myself to process through everything yet, but I'm hoping to do so this summer.

Karyl McBride has really written a gem here - you can tell she has lots of experience in the subject.

[Jade63]

Karyl McBride has really written a gem here - you can tell she has lots of experience in the subject.

Yes, I am only on chapter 3, but wanted to chime in that the Therapist/Author has first hand experience with her own NM...and she was brave enough to write this book...so that's reassuring!

~Jade

[gettingstronger]

This book was very healing for me. I kept the book and occasionally refer back to reread.

[Freedove]

This book was my second book i ever read at the start of my healing journey, it concreted my whole life on how i had been feeling. BOY!!!! what a journey of discovery, so wish i had a normal family. x

[snoflinga]

I know this is an old thread but I want to chime in and say of all the books I've read on npdparents, this was by far the best.

It was the first one I picked up when I knew something was seriously wrong but didn't know what. I remember I felt so guilty for even reading it, and I hid it under my bed. It was like opening a window that had been boarded up my entire life. I recognized my mother in every chapter. It gave me a good handle on what the truth was, what was going on, and how to start making some healthy changes. I finally felt like it wasn't my fault.

[Spring Butterfly]

This book is amazing. It clearly outlines in part 2 the crucial step of feeling the feelings we have stuffed inside and how to grieve fully. Part 3 covers the healing journey step by step including how we know if we have fully cleared crucial milestones. The 5 parts of healing work in part 3 are grieving, separating, creating an authentic self, relationships, ridding ourselves of traits or what we commonly call here fleas.

[Spring Butterfly]

The book outlines the following for determining if contact as possible after determining if someone is "Untreatable" or "Toxic" and if contact is even desired.
These are my cliff notes:

Take a temporary separation - time out with emergency contact only. Take as long as you need to fully recover and heal before deciding level of contact.

The Civil Connection after recovery complete looks like:
- Lower contact
- Zero expectations for emotional connection
- Accept they are incapable
- Fully separate
- Strong boundaries

Boundaries
- Clearly stating what will and will not do
- Where you stand
- Draw line not allowed to cross
- Set limits
- How others feel doesn't matter
- You are already emotionally abandoned - nothing to lose

Real Work Within
Contact only possible if own recovery is at:
- Less reactive to projections
- Can set clear boundaries
- Less able to be triggered
- Accepted limitations
- Zero expectations

[Seichan]

I loved this book. To me, it's best feature was that McBride was able to continue a relationship with her NM, on her own terms. I've often used her concept of an Internal Mother, too.

[newme_whodis]

I agree with Seichan, the Internal Mother is a very intuitive way of coping. I think about and comfort the child I used to be, that deserved much better, and it's helped me through a lot of day-to-day stingers.
I found this text a really helpful supplement to Understanding the Borderline Mother, as there's a fair amount of crossover in behavior/cognition, mainly "splitting" and unstable self-image. It also landed in my lap when I was going through an intense period of grief, and while reading, I was able to give myself permission to process the feelings I was having, instead of burying them and getting by on "functioning." Highly recommend!

[LittleStar]

This was one of the first books I read over a year ago when I started to realize what has happened throughout my life. I was able to understand the dynamic in the relationship I had with my mother. My mother has all nine traits described and all made sense to me. It was a relief and a burden at the same time because I finally understood what I've been through but simultaneously it made me angry. Angry to realize all the emotional abuse I have endured and the parentification. How unfair it all was. But this book helped me validate how I felt and helped me to try to find out more about NPD and what I could do to deal with this situation and try to start the healing process. Would definitely recommend this book.