husbands as head of household....

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Hopelessly stuck

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husbands as head of household....
« on: November 25, 2014, 09:11:04 AM »
I know that i could/should have put this on the spouse section but I really wanted answers for someone who is a Christian. so I picked the religious section.

I have been trying to talk to npd/bpdH about a few things I have been learning and what I go through. I try and make My point as neutral as possible. ...for instance last night he said that I did not put him first. so, after letting him speak about it I told HIM that he did not put me first, that everyone that rents from US  comes first. He borrows some of them poor people money to get gas, fuel for their trailers, even money for sodas..etc. I would not even ask HIM for money because he has always told me NO! One of our tenants owes him more that $1,000. dollars. another over $700.00. He raged for 30 minutes after I told him that he did not put me first. He would not admit that he does not put me first but had all these excuses on how he has to do that to keep renters.


One of the things H brings up all the time is that I am not submissive, I am not there for him, that I put others before him. etc. He believes that If he tells me to do something without question I should just do it. He believes that IF he makes a decision that I should just go along with it... In other words if he ask me to jump I am supposed to ask how high!

You know how living with a npd/bpdH is:
  • Even thought the business is in both of our names He controls all the money. He spends the profit on what HE WANTS. I am never consulted on how any of it is spent. If I said something then I would start a rage. When He did work HE also spent all his money on himself. He has never financially supported me! The job I had I was laid off for the summer until I built up seniority and he made me lie to social services and get money to support me and My children!!
  • When I was working and giving him money to invest in the business we agreed to file married jointly. I set up MY w-4 to reflect that. He file Married filing single, I now owe IRS $50,000. because MY income filing separately is taxed at 30% versus 15%.
  • He never discusses anything with me at all.. he just does what he wants. I am supposed to agree with him on everything... with out a comment.
  • Although He has never admitted it.. he HAS committed adultery on me many times...I did confront him about adultery in the early days of our marriage but got beat up so bad I just started ignoring it.
  • When I try and tell him about how I feel, he just talks over me and goes into a rage. So no communication. at the same time, he does a lot of talking but it is like we are just acquaintances, no feelings or something serious.
  • He goads me to try and make me feel bad by copying church stuff on TV about How a Wife should act., but never copies how a husband should act.
  • IMO he has some kind of attachment problem and he has always insisted that we have separate homes. I do not even have a key to his house. He is afraid I will lose the key! When I became sick and had to retire he would not help me at all and I stayed at his house. I was basically homeless. I did not have any money when I first retired due to arthritis, and mental issues and he threatened to commit me!
  • I babysit for My grand daughters at their house and because My daughter works nights then I spend the night with My daughter. IF I wanted to go home the doors are locked at 10:00 and I can not get in...so I spend the nights at her house when I do babysit. He thinks that any attention I give to GD's is wrong and that the kids are over 18 and I should NOT spend time with GD's
  • he buys everything new for himself while I sit with OLD things and stuff from thrift stores in MY house.
  • When I am at his house I sit in the bedroom by myself days on end with him barely coming into the bedroom. At night we are not allowed to sleep under the same covers. We sleep on top of the bedspread, and we each have our own blankets to cover up with.
  • There is no affection, he can not hardly stand to be touched.  Sex is just for him. I bet in the 17 years of marriage he has not kissed me more that 50 times.
  • We never go anywhere. for him life is just sitting at home.
  • He does whatever he wants financially with the money from the business WE built together. He has also spent most of the money I made until I quit listening to his hints, demands etc on what he needed.
  • He has a perfection problem... nothing I have ever done for him is good enough, So I stopped helping him with any house work. He raged at me 1 hour this week because I used a sharp knife to cut a sheet cake, I was very careful NOT to cut the Teflon. surface. He is like that on everything.
  • I worked outside the home with the agreement that he'd work the business, but he is/was so lazy that we have not reached the full potential in the business.

Yes I am not submissive in some ways... I was when we got married, but the changes I have made  to be able to live with him are the only thing that kept me somewhat sane!  So, how does a person explain that to a person with NPD/bpd, ocd?

 I used to love him at one point, but he has driven out all the love I had/have for him. Right Now My marriage is hanging on commitment alone. How can You love someone who gave You 10 black eyes the first year we were married? Yeah he is not physically abusive now... he is too afraid to go to jail!

I would like to have a simple answer for him on what submission really is supposed to be according to the bible. I believe marriage is a partnership... that IF there is a disagreement that the couple should talk about it... If they can not come to an agreement then the man should decide based on what BOTH pardners have discussed. Maybe I am all wrong. i love the tenants of MY faith and try to do good...how can I be submissive according to what he says and does...


Controllers, abusers and manipulative people donít question themselves. They donít ask themselves if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else. Darlene Ouimet

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IDK

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Re: husbands as head of household....
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2014, 09:37:28 AM »
Wow.  You've been through so much with your husband.  First scripture that comes to my mind has nothing to do with headship, because I feel that's earned.

Ephesians 5:28...............husbands are to love their wives as themselves.  I just paraphrased it, not the exact words.

Quite obvious he isn't doing that.  Then it would lead me to believe he hates himself that much to treat you so poorly. 

I can't remember the scripture, but there is one that says something about a husband who doesn't take care of his own household is considered useless. Again, may not be the exact words, but the same meaning is there.

Hope I was of some help to you.  Wishing you strength through all of this.

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Rainstorm

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Re: husbands as head of household....
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2014, 05:06:17 PM »
I believe submission is supposed to be mutual Ephesian 5:21. I don't believe there is anyway that you will be able to have a reasonable conversation with him on this topic, or be able to change his opinion on it. Unfortunately, I feel the bible often fuels the fire for men who are abusive. They read the verses they agree with, while ignoring the ones they don't like.

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seekingvision

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Re: husbands as head of household....
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2014, 10:49:32 AM »
When he loves you as Christ Jesus loved the church, so much that he died for it, when he loves you as he loves himself,........

Then submit.

Adulterers got stoned in the bible.  Don't accept his abuse of scripture to justify his abuse of you.

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Rainstorm

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Re: husbands as head of household....
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2014, 03:08:07 PM »
There is a Christian website with information on headship and submission where there is abuse, here's the link:  http://cryingoutforjustice.com/what-headship-and-submission-do-not-mean/

I am so sorry you have to deal with all this, it must be very difficult. My husband acts the same way about money, and he wants me to agree with him too, because to him that is what a supportive wife does.

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Hopelessly stuck

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Re: husbands as head of household....
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2014, 10:46:45 PM »
Ty all for answering My question! Rainstorm this site is exactly what I needed! I am going to sit and read it now! ty again!
Controllers, abusers and manipulative people donít question themselves. They donít ask themselves if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else. Darlene Ouimet

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Rainstorm

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Re: husbands as head of household....
« Reply #6 on: November 30, 2014, 02:46:00 PM »
You're very welcome. This site has been a real help for many people.