Sibling issue--not sure what to do

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Hulagal79

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Sibling issue--not sure what to do
« on: December 05, 2014, 02:19:33 PM »
I'm not sure I'd be an official SG, but am thinking I may be considered one. Probably even likely.  Had a huge disagreement with eldest sis a while back.  Tried to be fair, explained my position, etc.  Sis (N, maybe?) then said something really childish and off the wall.  It was weird.

Decided that other sibs should be aware of the goofy thing she said and I was met with all kinds of excuses for eldest sis.  Shocked!  Had she said the same to them, there would be an entirely different reaction, I know.

Fast-forward to now.  Eldest sis appears to be coaching another sib (bro #2), who has become very confused on religion and morality, but still wants us to believe he's 'on track.'  Right.  Bro #1 (attached to the hip to bro #2, BTW)  emails me fairly often with a 'how are you?' kind of thing--very repetitious and a little annoying, though I try to be nice without giving any fodder for gossip.  Younger sis seems fairly neutral, but can also brush me off at times--goes back and forth--can be more friendly, too.

I know they're upset because I don't play the game anymore.  I don't volunteer family info, and they (bro #1, bro #2 and younger sis) don't like that our family doesn't attend the yearly New Year's Eve party (eldest sis lives at a distance and doesn't go).  I've explained why we don't attend repeatedly--falls on dead ears.  I suggested recently to the bro who emails me (#1) that we should all get together.  He agreed.  Then I said, well, why don't we select dates for 2015 that will work?  Suddenly he changed and it was "Uh, er, well, it's probably too hard with everyone's schedule."  What?!  This sib has fibbed to me before, broadly 'hinted' that we all get together, and now I've totally lost any confidence in him.  I often get the feeling he's running back and "reporting" anything I say to the others. Very two-faced.

I'm irritated, and I'm tired of trying to please everyone.  Yes, I've done some good, positive things for myself and am content and happy with my hubby and children.  I have a good life.  But, I wonder:  What is wrong with my siblings?  Is this all about control? (seems to be).  Is there any hope at all of us getting together in a 'normal' way, without me being the either official or unofficial SG?  I've backed away because I'm tired of all the game playing, excuses, P/A subtle comments, mildly disguised putdowns etc..  I would explain examples, but would be here all day.  Oh yes, and I have to really love how everyone is entitled to an opinion and to express it, except me.

This family reunion issue is just puzzling.  Is it met with this reaction because it was me who encouraged it?  I'm thinking that's why. Truly, I don't care whether or not there is a reunion; just trying to keep the peace (or whatever).  And I'm quickly losing even the little interest I have in one.

How do you be a good Christian when you know they gossip about you, ignore your comments while pretending they matter, etc., etc. Constant game-playing. Right now, all I can do is pray for them and wish them well on holidays.  I've had to find some space, since it's gotten so tiring.  The P/A holiday greetings that come in my inbox throughout the year just anger me, though I try not to let them get to me.

Thoughts or suggestions?  And why such childish games?
« Last Edit: December 05, 2014, 02:43:38 PM by Hulagal79 »

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samsgirl

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Re: Sibling issue--not sure what to do
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2014, 02:54:21 PM »
I understand totally about that "reporting" thing. I've been getting that vibe from my sister lately. I can't stand it. AND I understand about the whole pretending to care thing! I hate that too. Why even bother to ask me about something when you don't really care. My mom gives these subtle ummhmms when I talk but I know she is not listening.

I'm NC with my mom and working on issues with my sister. I have no regrets about being NC with my mom. My only worry with my sister is her young boys. I miss my nephews so much when I'm NC with her. I have not discussed this issue with my church or my pastor because I feel like they don't or wouldn't understand. Well there is one lady from church that I have talked to about it because she has issues with her sister.

She always tells me that we just do what we can handle and pray for them. I choose to not share to much personal info when I'm around my sister. Just the good happy fun stuff. I also choose to take everything my sister says into consideration before I jump on anything. you never know what is true and what is exaggerated. It's frustrating but like I said.. it's so I can continue to see my nephews. My sister is top of the line manipulating! She should win an award for it.

For me NC is easiest but if you want contact and for it to be somewhat peacful then that's the hard part. Every time I have an opinion in my family I'm being controlling and pushing my ideas on others. So I just gave up. I have no opinions around my sister anymore.. I usually will say a prayer for God to give me strength to bite my tongue and not let me react to her drama.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2014, 02:56:38 PM by new4me2014 »
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Hulagal79

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Re: Sibling issue--not sure what to do
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2014, 03:16:32 PM »
Thanks for the reply.  It sounds like you can really relate to what I'm experiencing.

I've repeatedly attempted to keep the door open, so to speak, but the issues continue.  I'm now down to pretty LC with some.  Seem to be getting the silent treatment (with rare exceptions through the year) from eldest sis and #2 bro, who, as I said, seems to be coached by eldest sis (big mistake on bro's part; he seems blind to it, but nothing I can do).

I agree prayer is a huge, important answer to all this.  I can't change them, but I can pray their eyes open and THEY change.  I've searched my heart and can't find any area where I've done wrong, honestly.  But they're more of the world than I am, and they really do seem sort of blinded by things, when I know they were raised to know better.  This, too, causes me to lose respect for them.

It's so sad you (me, too) can't give opinions around our families.  Isn't that what life is about--exchanging ideas?  In my family (sibs), I think they feel guilty when I bring up certain topics, so I have to be 'shut down.'  Again, how childish.

Thanks for the prayer reminder.  I do pray for them, but I see their big egos and false pride taking them over more and more.  Only God can fix that.

I really appreciate your input, and want to wish you well as you deal with the issues in your family.   :bighug:  I appreciate your help!

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samsgirl

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Re: Sibling issue--not sure what to do
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2014, 04:08:54 PM »
The sad part is.. when most sibs reunite they talk about the past.. who did what and remember this one time. Most of the time that comes with sort of poking fun at someone for doing something 100 years ago and everyone laughs.. But with these types of people you can't do that. Someone always gets mad.. no one ever can be wrong then a huge (for real) argument breaks out and the whole thing gets ruined.

In my family it starts when I try to have an opinion about something. I get.. why do you always have to be a know it all. I've also been called a bully. I used to really worry about this fact but not anymore. It's all because I don't agree with them. It's sad to miss out on that kind of experiences because you deal with so many Ns.
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Hulagal79

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Re: Sibling issue--not sure what to do
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2014, 04:44:16 PM »
In my FOO, it seems when there are such reunions, somehow I get dragged into the SG position.  What should be mild 'teasing' (which is normal) can become "let's have a field day embarassing Hulagal."  Joking around is fun, but sometimes, though not every time, I see it go too far. 

And, if nothing else is talked about, that's all the "reunion" becomes (along with gossip about who-knows-what thrown in).  I think simple joking is fun, but unfortunately, some people just don't seem to have the tools to do that.  I can remember being led to tears when I was a pre-teen because the "joking" just went too far.  It should be something fun for everyone.

And, oh, can I relate to not being allowed to have an opinion!  They don't name-call; just give me the brush-off or the cold shoulder or ST or change the subject.  As if I know absolutely nothing and really don't have a role anywhere.  new4me, I think it's often jealousy.  One thing I have been told which really shocked me is that some relatives (interesting:  both sides of the family) feel jealous of me.  That took my breath away and I didn't know how to answer.

Isn't it odd that because you don't agree with them, you're somehow ousted from conversations and such?  I no longer care or worry about that, either.  I like where I'm at today and I'm secure in knowing that what I choose to believe hasn't just happened; I didn't pick it out of thin air;  I've done my homework carefully.

It IS sad to miss out on experiences, but I don't think we can do much more than pray they change and wake up.

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samsgirl

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Re: Sibling issue--not sure what to do
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2014, 05:04:33 PM »
Oh you're exactly right on with the joking going overboard. It turns into you getting bullied. And how dare you say something because then you are the one that can't take a joke.

Yeah I'm good with NC. I don't even go around FOO anymore. I agree with the jealousy thing too. I have no clue why anyone would be jealous of me but my husband seems to think my Nmom and sis are both jealous. He says its because I'm the only one to go to school and get a career. I mean that's stupid bc they can do that too.. it just all boils down to choices. Its just frustrating. Almost like they don't want the relationship to really work. Regardless of what they say.
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Hulagal79

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Re: Sibling issue--not sure what to do
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2014, 05:46:01 PM »
Yes, exactly.  It's like they don't want the relationship to really work, regardless of what they say.  But, why?  I wonder if it's because we--at least I--don't 'march to the same drum' as they do.  But I try to do my part, be friendly, keep up conversation (though that hasn't worked of late), and if I dare not agree, even being gentle and civil about it, I'm on the 'outs' with them.  There's only so much a person can do.  They need to do their part, too, but too often that doesn't happen. Sigh....

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Hulagal79

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Re: Sibling issue--not sure what to do
« Reply #7 on: December 05, 2014, 06:53:56 PM »
I don't know what to make of this, either.

My youngest daughter was in a cute skit that was church-related.  Good, clean fun--I would guess everyone here would totally get the humor.  I sent a photo of her in an email to the sibs, then told my DH "Two of the sibs aren't even going to reply."  Well, I must be a prophet--eldest sis and bro #2 just ignored it totally--blew it off.  Please know I don't normally wait for replies on such, but this was really one of those ROTF laughing costumes, and yes, it was funny!

The other ones acted appropriately and thought it was funny, as most people would.  So, kudos to them for that.

Was it because it was church-related, and maybe they (eldest sis/#2 bro) were feeling guilty about religion?  Just a guess, but I suspect so.  It still was a childish thing to do, though.  I honestly don't know anyone who wouldn't get the humor of it.  Oh well. Just weird.  ::)

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samsgirl

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Re: Sibling issue--not sure what to do
« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2014, 10:17:59 AM »
The only thing worse than not reacting is over reacting! I get over reactions from my sister and my Nmom. My sister is PD just not sure which one. Sometimes I think she is N but not really sure. But one thing is for sure they bother OVER react to things like that.

Instead of having a normal laugh about something they will go on and on at how funny it is and just go (obviously) over board. I learned from this forum that sometimes they don't know how to act (because of the PD) so they act inappropriately. I always said my mother doesn't know who she really is and therefore doesn't know what feelings to have and when to have them. I didn't realize it was a PD until this website.

Maybe it's the same with your sibs. They aren't sure how to react so they just don't. Either that or they are jealous.

I really wish I could demonstrate the over reactions.. because they are too funny!!
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Hulagal79

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Re: Sibling issue--not sure what to do
« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2014, 02:54:14 PM »
LOL!  That's an interesting thing to picture, new4me2014.  Wish I could see those over-reactions.  ;D

Knowing them well, I suspect this may be a "Hey.  We're all standing together here and you'd better get back in the family 'line' where you belong."  I'm supposed to hang my head in shame and be the meek sheep who bows to the sibs' every wish.  I'm supposed to not say a word when I disagree; just nod right along and paste a smile on my face. And, oh yes, all opinions welcome, except mine, of course.  ::)

Nuh uh.  I still try to be as pleasant, friendly, as can be, but I'm not bending to this silly game.  As a Christian, I will continue to pray that they get past this nonsense, but I'm not holding my breath. 

They really do not realize how incredibly childish their behavior appears when they do this, do they?  Odd.  :snort:

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samsgirl

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Re: Sibling issue--not sure what to do
« Reply #10 on: December 09, 2014, 04:58:00 PM »
The over reactions are hysterical. There is the sad eyes and the hand over the gasped mouth. Possible forced tears and several.. "oh..oh my.. would you look at that.. I just can't believe blah blah bla"

One time there was a car accident down the road from my house and she heard that a guy might have died. She went nuts! I mean I get having concern for others don't get me wrong. But she was almost in tears and wasn't even sure what happen. Her hand over her mouth looking back and forth (i have no clue at what) gasping and saying OH over and over and how horrible it is. I thought there was something wrong with me for not being more caring. Then later my H was like.. what was THAT all about.. No clue

I really don't think they do. Know about how childish they act. They justify it with everything. There is always a good reason to for them to act the way they do. To them anyway.
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Hulagal79

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Re: Sibling issue--not sure what to do
« Reply #11 on: December 09, 2014, 06:58:02 PM »
They would likely make great actors and actresses.  ;D ;) :) 8-) :tongue2: :yes:

Who knows?  Some of them may have missed their calling (LOL!).