Seeing parents after NC

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gmp

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Seeing parents after NC
« on: December 10, 2019, 10:27:03 PM »
Hi all. So my parents, who both unfortunately have untreated narcissistic personality disorder, are also fundamentalist Christians who believe that being gay is a terrible sin. And lucky me, I’m gay. :)  When I came out to them many years ago, they initially rejected me, but then came around a *tiny* bit, but they still always find ways to treat me like total crap, while pretending to be nice on the surface level. I have a spouse of many years now and amazing kids. I thought things would get better but my parents are still extremely disrespectful to my marriage and family. I’m often torn between cutting them out of my life (because their disrespect and judgement brings so much heartache to me and some frustration to my spouse) and keeping them in my life and just pretending to play the game with them (because cutting them out also brings so much heartache).  Anyway, for the first time earlier this year, I finally stuck up for myself for once in my life and asked them not to contact me for a while. They reacted horribly but in any case I haven’t seen them since then. But I am going to see them soon for a brief visit. I wanted to say no, but decided to suck it up, for my kids’ sake. Anyway, has anyone been in a similar situation of seeing PD parents after a period of NC? I’m honestly afraid of them and am worried about it. Not to mention how awkward it’s going to be! Any tips?
« Last Edit: December 10, 2019, 10:37:57 PM by gmp »

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gcj07a

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Re: Seeing parents after NC
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2019, 11:28:38 PM »
What do you mean by "for my kids' sake?" Do they have a special relationship with your parents? Are your parents good to them? A lot of us around here live by the rule of "too toxic for me, then too toxic for my kids." I can't imagine being treated like crap for something that is literally beyond my control. I would just ask why you are willing to continue to endure this?
"How often have I lain beneath the rain, on a strange roof, thinking of home?" -William Faulkner

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Fiasco

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Re: Seeing parents after NC
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2019, 11:43:10 PM »
Welcome gmp. I’m also going to respond to the “for the kids” issue. I’m sure you two are good and loving parents, which means your children treasure you. For a child to see abuse, disrespect, fundamental non-acceptance, etc of their beloved parents would probably be extremely upsetting to them. Im taking a guess that you’re coming from a place of “we can be nice to people who have different beliefs” kind of thing? But if your parents aren’t going to model that kind of unconditional love, then you’re just exposing your kids to a potentially scary and upsetting experience.

My own BPDm shows a fundamental disrespect for me and my kids absolutely can’t stand her. And aren’t asked to spend time with her or be anything more than polite.

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sarandro

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Re: Seeing parents after NC
« Reply #3 on: December 11, 2019, 07:19:08 AM »
Seeing my unNM after being NC for 6 months is for me a nightmare scenario...

I went VVLC many years ago when my sons were born because she was toxic to me and I have had nothing but shame, blame etc....NO Way was I going to let them be put down the way I was.

If your parents are toxic to you WHY would you want to put your kids in the lions den? What would they gain?

Maybe you think you are being the 'better person' because it is the holidays?...A commendable idea, which for me has backfired on many occasions.

Maybe you think your children will see you as somehow in the wrong by being NC...older children will understand if you explain the hurt that they have caused...younger children will go along with what makes you happy.
Children are often very perceptive with things like this and if your parents are just pretending to be nice...they will pick up on it anyway

Only you can decide.

I wish you and your family all the very best and hope you have a stress free holidayXX


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gmp

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Re: Seeing parents after NC
« Reply #4 on: December 11, 2019, 09:20:59 AM »
Hey all. Thank you for the insights and thoughts. I agree that my parents are too toxic to have a real relationship with my kids for the same reason that they’re too toxic to have a real relationship with me. I should have given more clarity re: this particular situation though... It’s an hour long visit at my sibling’s house for a holiday gift exchange, my parents will necessarily be there, and I didn’t want my kids to miss out on a little family and cousin time that they get each year, and more importantly I feel pretty confident that my parents will cabin their crazy in front of such a large group. They’re usually good at superficial niceties for a short period of time and in public, to make themselves look good. Anyway I’m mostly just concerned with how utterly awkward it’s going to be... I guess because I feel guilty for not contacting them. And they’re older and not in great health so that adds to my guilt.

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sarandro

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Re: Seeing parents after NC
« Reply #5 on: December 11, 2019, 10:15:45 AM »
It is very awkward...could you invite your siblings to your house instead for a change or are they not OOTF?

Maybe you could forego this visit and arrange the gift exchange in the New Year...that way, you won't be made to feel guilty and the children would not miss out on their cousins company?
They would also not have to witness you being awkward (kids are very perceptive) just to put on a show of normalcy.

You would have something positive to look forward to, instead of going along with the charade and pretending everything is OK, just for the sake of the children.

If you do decide to go, I hope you are able to use Medium Chill and not get yourself too upset if things go wrong.
( I have been there, by the way, when my kids were small...they knew something wasn't right long before I did!)
I wish I had known about this forum then.

Sending you the strength to get through this holiday XXXX

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appaloosa

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Re: Seeing parents after NC
« Reply #6 on: December 11, 2019, 12:24:54 PM »
I'd ask my sibling to get together on a different day for gift exchange/cousin time. It sounds like you won't be able to enjoy any time together if your parents are there--and I can see why. I hope you find a solution that works and have a wonderful holiday!