Do you attend church with your PD spouse?

  • 21 Replies
  • 2958 Views
*

Rainstorm

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1174
Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« on: January 08, 2015, 04:17:57 PM »
What is it like attending church with your spouse? Do they act pretty normal in church? Do they sit beside you and interact in the service (sing, etc.)? Have you ever considered going to another church without your spouse? What has your church going experiences been like?

My spouse and I have been attending the same church for many years, but for the last year or two, he has been going to an earlier service than me, so we rarely sit together. My husband has also made it known that our marriage is having problems. I sense that he is trying to get sympathy while making himself look good. This makes me feel uncomfortable, and sometimes I think I would prefer going to a different church, but then I know for sure I will end up looking like the "bad guy." I also have friends there and I don't make friends easily, so it would be hard to leave.

*

DealingWithIt

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 332
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2015, 12:09:26 PM »
My wife and I had been very regular in our church, going and sitting together, until the last month or so.  A year or so ago, she started having problems with the service... particular with me being in it.  The sermons were bothering her, and she was basically using them to bash me.  She kept getting upset that I could be such an evil person, yet sit beside her in church and profess my love of God.  At one point, when we were driving home from church, she exclaimed that after hearing the sermon, she didn't know why I wasn't slitting my own throat.  So, she hasn't been coming as often, lately.

Lately, she refers to it as "your church", instead of "our church" or "her church".

Neither one of us has "publicly" announced that we're having problems, but our pastor and a couple members know.  When she doesn't come, I'm always asked where she is and always have to figure out some excuse to tell them.

She's tried to convince me to go to another church, yet I won't.  And I feel it's very important for use to attend together and sit together.

*

TLF

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 254
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2015, 11:56:08 PM »
We attend Mass together.  One word - AWKWARD!

*

seekingvision

  • Guest
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2015, 04:22:06 PM »
My pd usually attends.  He will at times not show for a week or two, and will often make it obvious he is leaving before fellowship and coffee hour.

When he ditches out of something and people ask, I say " PD is home just being PD.   They seem to understand. 

*

Rainstorm

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1174
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2015, 01:51:05 PM »
Seekingvision, do you take two separate vehicles to church then, since he leaves early? My husband has always been very quick to get out the door when church is over, and often leaves just as we start to sing the closing songs.

*

healingnow

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 640
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2015, 11:22:42 AM »
We used to, but it was always very awkward.  Haven't been going together for a long time, trying to have a conversation after church always turn into a negative discussion. :(

*

seekingvision

  • Guest
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2015, 10:46:18 AM »
Yes two cars.  I am in the choir and we rehearse before service.  We used to ride together however and there was a mini crisis every Sunday morning.   I was in a book study about adversity and talked about our arrival time being sabotaged and one woman said point blank, use your other car, it's worth the little bit of gas to not deal with it like this.  That was what she did, looking back I see she has a PD also.  A couple of others chimed in and agreed.

I was expecting a lecture about patience and long suffering, and preemption the crises etc, from these elderly women and men and got "take your power back" instead.

*

Bloomie

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 12593
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2015, 09:15:28 PM »
Rainstorm - Don't leave your church unless you want to. If people at church can't handle knowing things are rough for you right now, then who can? Your H may mean it as a preemptive strike, but it could very well work against him if he is critical and overshares. I hope that through people knowing, even though that would not have been your choice, that you find greater support and caring through a very tough time.

 :hug:
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

*

Rainstorm

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1174
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #8 on: January 19, 2015, 01:17:14 PM »
Thanks Bloomie, you made a very good point.

*

NeedingAnswers

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 343
  • Feel the hurt, forgive those who hurt you, heal <3
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #9 on: January 21, 2015, 09:18:10 PM »
Rainstorm
Quote
What is it like attending church with your spouse? Do they act pretty normal in church? Do they sit beside you and interact in the service (sing, etc.)? Have you ever considered going to another church without your spouse? What has your church going experiences been like?
....
My husband has also made it known that our marriage is having problems. I sense that he is trying to get sympathy while making himself look good.

My husband tries to be polite and put a smile on at church. He does the same thing that your H does
Quote
My husband has always been very quick to get out the door when church is over, and often leaves just as we start to sing the closing songs.
He comes in as close to when service starts as he can so as not to have to actually talk with anyone and leaves for the same reason before the end. :(
This also keeps me from getting to know any one :(
Yes my H interacts (too much sometimes he wants to talk and tell me things about the people in the church during the service so I'm missing the message  :() and he loves to sing so he does do that (likes people to hear him loves the attention)

I do go to others churches without my H :) I tried to go to the church he has attended for over a decade and it was not for me. I stop going to church for a while because I was completely drained and didn't want to be in a church that was a show not a family. I am now going with him to the church he attends some but now going to a church I like with my dd when my H starts an arguement or isn't speaking to me before church and also if the other church has a message that is more then one part (they are doing a 4 part message right now so will be going the next 3 weeks since it just started this past Sunday). My dd and I are really enjoying having the freedom to go to church with my H or another without him. The people at the church he attends can think what they want I am learning, worshiping, don't have the stress I did and my dd is happier too!  :woohoo:

If you want to be in the church your in I agree with Bloomie stay and let the people think what they will (they are going to anyway). You choose your place of worship for your relationship with the Lord.  :hug:
*The longer life goes on, the more pain I endure the stronger I become.
*The more I have been hurt the more I've learned to love others and have compassion.
*Yes I get tired and sometimes even yell, yes I have bad days or even weeks but I Thank God He is always here with me, helping me.

*

CoveredByGrace

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 70
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2015, 01:53:46 PM »
This is interesting for me and something I've been seeking to understand, so here goes.

I met my h in church. I've always been Christian, but not one that was always in church, so I appreciated that he was God-fearing and active in ministry. So, we regularly attended church together and got involved in ministry.

Then we moved to another state. At first, we found a church home and things were like they were before. But, we wound up leaving that church and didn't attend regularly for several years. As things with us worsened and we sought counsel from another Christian couple that used to attend the same church we met at (they too have moved to another state), they felt that our being out of church was a factor.

So, we finally settled on a church. While I wasn't crazy about the church, I saw that he and my son liked it and the sermons were good, so I gave it a chance. But after some time, our attendance was decreasing or we were coming late. A few times he didn't want to go, so I went without him. Plus, I just felt like this wasn't the place, like I wasn't getting fed. So, I finally told him and that started a whole new drama about how could I just "go along" and he knew that something wasn't right in regards to why he didn't feel compelled to go and that reason was me.

Then, a friend of ours invited us to the church they recently joined. I had visited this church (on my own) in the past and liked it. So, we go and I enjoy it and our son enjoys it. H doesn't like it. Doesn't care for it. Says the word is "too watered down" and he's "beyond that" in his knowledge of the Word. Well, since he's making no effort to return to the church we were attending (even when I would ask) I continued to go to the new church and everytime I go, I leave wanting to know more, go a little deeper, get more connected. My h makes some insinuation that I'm following the man, and not God.

All this to say is that my son and I are still attending my friend's church. He has not been (to my knowledge) to any church. And it just blows my mind that this guy who was so involved in church and ministry when we first met won't even go and he's got a ton of reasons excuses why.

*

NeedingAnswers

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 343
  • Feel the hurt, forgive those who hurt you, heal <3
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #11 on: February 16, 2015, 02:24:16 PM »
CoveredByGrace after learning the things I have from this forum (the toolbox and books recommended are really good) and from living with my uBPD/NPD/ASPD/OCDH and I believe to some extent psychopath too it is not surprising at all to me.

 Change is big in my H's life and if he had to go to a new state and find a new church to attend I don't believe he would go again with any regularity.

He does love the Lord and reads his Bible everyday but anything more I can't say. However the relationship he has with God and his Lord is up to him. I would have tried to help him go and help him find what he needed, wanted, was looking for to encourage him to stay close to God and seek Him more to find the right church for him.... before but have come to realize that's not my place or my business. It is up to him to seek God and build his relationship with Him and his Lord.

My place is to pray and listen and edify, the rest is up to the Holy Spirit :) Wow what a burden lifted from me when I realized this and excepted it. :)

I'm so glad you and your son have a place to worship and grow and fellowship! I hope you continue to enjoy it and I hope your H finds the place the Lord would have him connect. :)  :grouphug:
*The longer life goes on, the more pain I endure the stronger I become.
*The more I have been hurt the more I've learned to love others and have compassion.
*Yes I get tired and sometimes even yell, yes I have bad days or even weeks but I Thank God He is always here with me, helping me.

*

Still Standing

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1128
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2015, 12:20:59 AM »
NPDh and I used to go to church together occasionally; though he is not Catholic/Christian. I would also make an effort to go to his religious services. Gradually, NPDh became very contemptuous of my Catholicism and would mock me as a "Jesus freak" and tell me I was "brainwashing" the kids by bringing them to church or religious education. Going to church, even if I went alone, always seemed to turn into an "issue" so I gradually stopped going.

I feel sad that I did not have a marriage where we could support each other spiritually. NPDh wanted to be the "teacher" and read a lot on spirituality, went to 12 Step meetings, etc. But his actions never matched his words and I felt like he used his spirituality in ways that were very inconsistent....for example, had to meditate so couldn't help with kids, spent multiple evenings at 12 Step meetings when kids were little, wanted me to "forgive" him for online affair and blamed me for being "judgmental and self righteous" when I held him accountable for his actions.....

I am now coming back into my faith without being ashamed. For many years I was made to feel like I was "wrong" or somehow "less intellectual" for wanting to go to church. I've found a lot of support for my separation at my church, which I found somewhat surprising as I was afraid I would be told to try and "save my marriage." I'm very grateful.

*

Rainstorm

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1174
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #13 on: February 20, 2015, 01:35:11 PM »
I have noticed another thing and was wondering if any of you deal with this too. Every once in a while my h will stay home from church just because he doesn't feel like going, yet if I do the same thing, it seems that he is annoyed.


*

We3

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 264
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #14 on: February 22, 2015, 08:01:21 PM »
We met at a religious convention.  At the time of our marriage we were both very involved and active.  As it turns out, mine was from the inside out while His was just the outside.  I'm not saying that he doesn't love God in his own way.  But it was one of the main things I thought we had in common.

For more than 20 years we have driven separately to meetings which we have 2x a week.  He did (we are now separated for 4 months) sit with me, sing and participate (raise his hand to comment when he was permitted to do so) when he wasn't sleeping.  He does laugh a lot at inappropriate times.  When the discussion is about trust his head is bobbing.  He is always saying he can't trust me.  He is always late, like 30 to 40 minutes into 1 1/2 hour program EXCEPT when we are separated, then he is 30 minutes early.  As if we were the ones holding him back. 

When we have all day programs he is constantly getting up to answer his phone.  He told me last summer he thinks he goes only for the camaraderie.  We don't go to the same congregation now because of a DVO.  He has tried 3x in court to get me to leave the one I attend and go elsewhere.  He told the judge she was interfering with his freedom of religion by not allowing him to go where he wanted/to the same congregation I was. 

I always got in trouble if I missed.  But he could work and miss 2 months and it's ok.  I think if I miss he doesn't know how to deal with people wanting to know where we are.  He takes their normal concern as judgement against him that he is failing as "head of the house".

His biggest blow ups have come after either our biggest spiritual occasions or my missing a meeting.
It's sad that the thing that should bring a family together - is used to beat us up.

*

Rainstorm

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1174
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #15 on: February 23, 2015, 01:48:05 PM »
Quote
It's sad that the thing that should bring a family together - is used to beat us up.

So true!

Yesterday my husband actually stayed for the second service and sat beside me. Then later at home he said "Your welcome for me sitting with you" as if he had done a wonderful thing for me! Oh to have a normal husband and a normal marriage.

*

Still Standing

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1128
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #16 on: February 24, 2015, 12:16:25 AM »
Quote
It's sad that the thing that should bring a family together - is used to beat us up.

So true!

Yesterday my husband actually stayed for the second service and sat beside me. Then later at home he said "Your welcome for me sitting with you" as if he had done a wonderful thing for me! Oh to have a normal husband and a normal marriage.

I've noticed that NPDh wants a huge round of applause/medal for doing what most people would do without thinking about it or expecting any kudos.

*

Rainstorm

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1174
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #17 on: February 24, 2015, 04:20:09 PM »
Quote
I've noticed that NPDh wants a huge round of applause/medal for doing what most people would do without thinking about it or expecting any kudos.

Exactly!

*

NeedingAnswers

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 343
  • Feel the hurt, forgive those who hurt you, heal <3
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #18 on: February 24, 2015, 05:59:42 PM »
Quote
I've noticed that NPDh wants a huge round of applause/medal for doing what most people would do without thinking about it or expecting any kudos.

Exactly!
:yeahthat: :yeahthat: :yeahthat: Yep Exactly!
*The longer life goes on, the more pain I endure the stronger I become.
*The more I have been hurt the more I've learned to love others and have compassion.
*Yes I get tired and sometimes even yell, yes I have bad days or even weeks but I Thank God He is always here with me, helping me.

*

FaithinGod

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 131
Re: Do you attend church with your PD spouse?
« Reply #19 on: February 24, 2015, 11:13:28 PM »
Hi, I don't. He has gone a total of maybe five times in the ten years that I have been going to my church. I'm involved in my church despite him not going. My church has people that greet with a hug, and I have a hard time because my husband cannot understand that. He will accuse me of going to church to hug the men. I stopped leaving the house with lipstick which I love to use, because he thinks I'm dressing up for the men.  This is all in his head.

I would love for him to love God, and love people. I would love for him to have been the leader in our household when it came to our faith.  He can barely tolerate people, or tolerate me.  He won't stop me from going, because I won't let him.