"It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship" - M. K. Dugan

[Osmot]

... by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock

I can heartily recommend this book to anyone who wants to focus on how to work on the damage a pd relationship has caused. The book focusses on the past (how did i get into this mess?), the now (am i healing? what is my progress in moving forward? how can i deal with others?) and the future (should i go back? can i love again?).

The book covers a lot of the questions and considerations one is facing when moving Out of the FOG.

It contains self-help tools that help to assess and move forward.

[Emotion Overload]

Put this on my wishlist, it looks very relevant to the issues I am working on right now.  Thanks. 

[Mariposa]

Am reading a good book, It's my life now: starting over after an abusive relationship or domestic violence by Meg Kennedy Dugan.  Was recommended in Lundy Bancroft's book.

It talks about how often when a person leaves an abusive relationship ,one thinks their life will automatically get better. It discusses how your fear and anxiety remain, how you may suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. It talked about having anger, in my situation, I had to keep the peace. I never asserted myself, always deflected his anger onto me and not the kids. Now that I am out, I am free to express my feelings and anger- even if I just scream driving down the road, I am finally releasing my anger.  I couldn't have done that prior to leaving. I had to keep it together for the sake of the kids.

How many of this have felt this way?   "did he make you feel the abuse was really all your fault? He probably tried to make you believe that there was something wrong with you because, otherwise, the abuse would stop. You came to believe that if only you were more patient, better organized, a better lover,or somehow different, the abuse would stop. But no matter what you did, the abuse continued."

The book talks about how each person heals at their own rate. I felt validated after reading it, I was beginning to wonder if something was wrong with me that I wasn't able to move on and forget about everything.  My mother keeps telling me to try internet dating.  I have no interest what so ever in pursuing any relationship in my life right now. No one is yelling at me anymore, threatening me, ridiculing me, or humiliating me. I know I have a ways to go before I am emotionally ok.

I hate to admit that he got the better of me, but he did. He did do a lot of damage. I do feel positive that I will be better in the next few years. I just can't pretend everything is fine when its not. 

[atticusfinch]

Mariposa,

I read that book as well and found it helpful.  It has been a while for me though.

I agree that healing is a process that will take a while.  I too absorbed his anger and shoved mine down for the sake of the kids.  Some days I seem to be healing nicely-- I found a part of myself that used to be playful and silly with my kids!  I thought it was gone forever.  It is so fun watching my three year old giggle when we act silly together.  But other days the PTSD rears its ugly head over some unexpected thing, and on those days it seems I will never completely recover.

I'd say...just give it time.  They told me at our local shelter that it takes 2 years to heal from an abusive relationship.  I feel I will be dealing with some things for longer than that, but at least it gives a guildeline.  They also recommended not dating until that 2 years is up, and actively working on healing at least until that time.  I did date, and it really activated my PTSD in some big ways (while he was healing in some respects, because he was so kind and respectful, the thought of commitment scares the living daylights out of me!  And I was always wondering what he was hiding, and what he was REALLY like).  You are so smart.  Your kids and you probably both need the time.

Hang in there. 

[Latchkey]

This looks like a good book for me to read. I read so many while in process of figuring out I was in my second abusive marriage and haven't read much lately for dealing with the after life/math/effects of being in an abusive relationship. Thanks for the recommendation. I may move this post over to the Book Review section so others can find it.

Lk

[eben]

I really like this book. It is short, easy to read, and easy to refer back to when you begin struggling with a new thing (or get stuck again struggling with something you thought you were over). I bought it and I am so glad I did. Each chapter has a discussion and then a worksheet about a different area. I recommend this to a lot of people.