False teaching...

  • 16 Replies
  • 2178 Views
*

CoveredByGrace

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 70
False teaching...
« on: February 16, 2015, 12:56:16 PM »
I had quite the interesting Valentine's Day...
 
My uNPDh went through a lot of back and forth with me over a side table that I told him I would not assemble as I feel that as a chronic overspender, to assemble a table would be to support the behavior.

Anyhow, lots of projecting, circular convos, hijinks, and shenanigans ensued throughout the day in his attempts to get me to assemble the table. (At one point, I reconsidered as he insinuated that he would have to pay an obscene amount of money for a handyman to do it, thus reducing the payment on a loan that he promised my mother, but I decided to stick to my decision/call his bluff)

So, at one point, he decides to go the spiritual route (his words, not mine BTW!) and asks me a series of questions that I knew were solely self-serving and my responses were pretty generic. One of those questions was if God has revealed anything to me about him. My response was that if so, I didn't feel led to share at this time. So, in turn, he references Titus 1:16.

Such people claim they know God, but they deny him by the way they live. They are detestable and disobedient, worthless for doing anything good.

I simply thanked him for the reference and that I would go in more depth later.

So, when I did review it and dig a little deeper into it...the passage is referring to those who are "engaging in useless talk and deceive others" (Titus 1:10) If this wasn't the art of projection at its finest, I don't know what is...I don't even think he realizes that in giving me that scripture, he revealed a great deal about himself.

It saddens me really as a Christian. Not that he has tried to insinuate that I'm denying God by not answering his questions (because I know who I am and whose I am), but that he has used the Bible, taken it completely out of context in order to manipulate.

I'm glad that I'm learning and practicing going into the Bible and studying for myself...I'm sure this is common and I'm sure that at some point, it has happened to those of you here. I'm just curious about your reaction or how you dealt with the Bible being used in this way, especially by a loved one.

*

Rainstorm

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1174
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2015, 01:45:48 PM »
It hasn't happened often with my spouse, in part because he doesn't have verses memorized that he can just quote to me. He has used the wife as the helper verse from Genesis to try to convince me that I am supposed to help him, in pretty much anyway he needs help. I guess my reaction was feeling frustrated though I don't remember what I said in response. He also thinks the church is doing a bad job of training women on how to be a good wives, which in his world means agreeing with him and putting him on a pedestal where no one questions him.

*

Scarlett O

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 50
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2015, 02:57:53 PM »
It is using the Lord's name in vain. Using God's word to get your own way, like a preacher quoting scripture to entice people to give. My ex did not love me as Christ loved the church, but he wanted me to be submissive (or so he said). Actually, he left every decision up to me, then hated me for making decisions (passive-aggressive). I don't consider people like that believers--even satan can quote scripture. They just know the lingo and use it for their own desires.

*

CoveredByGrace

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 70
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2015, 10:09:11 PM »
It is using the Lord's name in vain. Using God's word to get your own way, like a preacher quoting scripture to entice people to give.

I never looked at it like that, Scarlett! I met my h in church and liked that he knew so much scripture, so initially I took his interpretations as accurate...but lately, I've been questioning everything.

One of his "issues" with me is that I don't come to him with questions about the Bible, since he's so "well-versed"...I just never felt completely comfortable with that and for awhile, I wasn't quite sure why. Now I know...he's twisting the Word to make it suitable for him.

*

MaggieMayCat

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 983
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2015, 10:46:38 PM »
It is using the Lord's name in vain. Using God's word to get your own way, like a preacher quoting scripture to entice people to give. My ex did not love me as Christ loved the church, but he wanted me to be submissive (or so he said).

What a great way to look at this difficult situation.  I've always had problems with folks who pick and choose what they want to use from the Bible for their own justification... Dad was bad about this, uBPDExH had it, and uNPDBro has it too - likes to quote biblical scriptures to suit his purposes and to put others down or shame them.  Makes my skin crawl.  Next time Bro pulls this, I might have to figure a way to remind him that taking things out of context to verbally shame someone is not what the Bible teaches. 

The submit thing really gets me going - that whole submit thing is usually used by abusive people for their own ends - they want you to submit to their version of submission - definitely not like what is described in the Bible.  Was told lots of times that I should submit - but, nope was having none of it.  Sorry - not submitting to that.

Thanks Scarlett O - awesome.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear. 

Leonard- "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar."
Sheldon-  "You can catch even MORE flies with manure.  What's your point?"        ......from The Big Bang Theory

*

Scarlett O

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 50
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2015, 05:49:14 PM »
If a woman does not "submit" the way the husband thinks she should, well that is between the woman and GOD, not the husband. He is not God, and does not have the mind of God--scripture states that. I would probably say something like, "my submission or lack thereof is between me and God, please pray for me." Because that is all he can really do. You shouldn't aid him in using God's name to get what he wants, especially if it hurts you, tempts you, or denies your faith.

*

We3

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 264
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2015, 07:29:28 PM »
Wow!  I thought I was the only one beat over the head with the Bible.  I figure my uBPD/NPD abusive H did it because he knew my spirituality was so important to me, and it was the quickest way to make me feel guilty, thus compliant.

His favorites:  "To Obey is better than a sacrifice" a small part of 1 Samuel 15:22.  God not him
Ephesians 5:33 "the wife should have deep respect for her husband"' never mind the 1st part that says the husband MUST love his wife as he does himself.
Genesis 2:18 "I am going to make a helper for him". It is your job to help me run this business. If I say put 3 hours labor on that invoice and we were there only 2 don't ? me  and right back to 1 Samuel 15:22. 
And then of course."I am your head, you will do what I say, when I say it and how I want it done."  Followed immediately by "then "things will go well with you and you will reside a long time upon the earth" - Ephesians 6:3

Which was all rather ridiculous since he never reads the Bible and certainly doesn't apply it.

*

CoveredByGrace

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 70
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2015, 01:08:05 PM »
My heart is heavy today, guys. Just some backstory - my uNPDh blew up at me yesterday in front of our son. I'd asked him about his portion of the rent and he initially stated he didn't want to talk about it and I will own up to not dropping it initially. I asked him when he wanted to discuss it but he insisted he didn't want to speak about it. So, I let it go. A few minutes later, he started back in...yelled, cursed, called me a fool, a piece of a wife, that I was being disrespectful and he had been passive too long, etc.

Last night, he wanted us to speak with another a married couple that we're friends with. We all used to attend the same church and now the wife's ministry is building and rebuilding marriages/families/etc. He had been talking with them on his own for the past few weeks and it showed. (I already knew what he was up to because everytime I said something he disagreed with, he would text them...almost comical, like he was running to go tell Teacher that I was being a big meanie.) They wanted me to know that I also need to make adjustments to place his needs first and when we got around to discussing money, I let them know about his behaviors and that he seeks to do what he wants, often leading me holding the bag for the bills, even when he knows that my income alone does not support us. We all agreed that at the end of the day, our child needs a home and when she asked if I felt that my h would put my son in a predicament where he would NOT have a home, I admitted that I wasn't sure. All I know is his behavior, that his words don't match his action, and he has frequently blown his money, dipped into our joint account and come to me saying he doesn't have any more money to pay XX bill. They have known him longer than they have known me and said by my saying that, that I have insulted everything he stands for, which is his family. Not once was he told that he needs to accept responsibility for his issues, it was all about how I have made him feel. They only said they don't condone his behavior and that he could have made a different choice about his blowup at me.

The entire conversation left me feeling like I'd been pulled into another manipulation tactic, to be honest. This time, he used his friends to do it. My prayer before going to bed was that Lord search my heart and reveal any wrong doing on my part and for Him to show me the truth about my husband and about this situation.

This morning, he emails me two commentaries (and includes the wife that we spoke with) on Proverbs 14:1. He also asks me to pull up the scripture and read it aloud.

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.

What's so disheartening is that when screaming and yelling at me didn't work, using his friends didn't work, he turned to using the Bible as a source of manipulation. This man (again) has attempted to shame me using God's Word.

Everything is a means of manipulation and control for him...he has misused his friend's ministry, which is quite effective if both parties are truly willing to work on their issues. But, when you have one person who is consistently self-seeking, self-referenced,and is right in his own eyes, it's going to be twisted around. She kept saying that we're not on the same page This couple does not truly understand the depth of what's happening in our marriage, because my husband only presents his reality.

I have a Bible app on my phone and the daily verse is one of the first things I look at in the morning. It usually goes right to that daily verse section, but this morning it went into the Bible itself and right to 1 John 4 -- "Discerning False Prophets" was the header.

*

Be Strong

  • New Member
  • *
  • 8
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #8 on: February 27, 2015, 11:59:26 PM »
Hi CoveredByGrace,
I just read your post. In the past I have read a little of the Out of the FOG information and just found the site again. I am also a Christian. My husband is also but right now he is mad at God.
 I am so sorry that life is so so hard for you with your husband. I can relate to how a conversation can go badly so fast. I feel like things are said to trigger me. I feel like he is trying to set me off at times. He has a extremely hard time forgiving past hurts. It hurts me when he brings up the past and talks about the "way I have treated him over the years". He will say that I have changed and improved but he feels like he has to continue to bring it up because sometimes he says I don't acknowledge what I have done and it's a symptom of what still happens today. One time I talked to him about me going to counseling and he didn't think it was a good idea because he said I don't tell the truth. He felt like the counselor would not get a clear picture of what was going on. We actually went to counseling for about six years together then he saw the counselor for one more year. It ended with him being mad at God for how hard it was and that he didn't get healing through a moms (counselors love).
 In the past he used to quote a verse from the bible about speech needing to be nice all the time. I questioned him about it once because his speech is not always nice and he stopped saying it. I feel for you. I can also relate to how your husband can look one way to other people and act one way and with you act another way. It is so strange to me how they can turn off the negative behavior and act charming then be mean.
I can relate to asking God if I need to make changes myself. I know I am not perfect in the least. Try to keep looking up and know that God can meet all your needs. Take care of yourself.
Hold Fast

*

Rainstorm

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1174
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2015, 03:03:52 PM »
Quote
It hurts me when he brings up the past and talks about the "way I have treated him over the years"

It seems like he hasn't forgiven you. My husband does this too. It is so very hard for him to forgive people, and he holds on to his anger for years and years. I wonder what type of relationship he can have with God when he has so much unforgiveness in his heart.

*

Be Strong

  • New Member
  • *
  • 8
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2015, 04:32:51 AM »
I know that right now his relationship with God isn't good at all. He seems to have slowly stopped doing the things he used to enjoy relating to God. He used to listen to Christian music, play guitar beautifully and was on the praise team at church. He also used to get his strength from God. He used to pray. One time when we weren't married too long we prayed together. I asked him later about something he prayed about. He took what I said as criticism. I did not mean it that way at all. Ever since then he would not pray out loud together with me. It feels like if he gets hurt he puts up a brick to add to a brick wall. Only when I am a "good" wife will he maybe take a brick down. I wish he was able to forgive. The problem also comes when I feel he doesn't accept the good wife in me. I wrote him a valentine card and he didn't read it. He said because in the past the words in cards didnt match the way he has being treated. Even today he made a comment about women. He said they lie. I said you don't have very good feelings about women. He agreed. He was neglected and abandoned by his birth mother. He was verbally abused by his dad.
 I am sure that his mind would enjoy the break of having to keep all the bricks up and remembering what each one is there for. It would be exhausting to me to keep track of all the pain. I read something on a marriage website how it is healing to start forgiving the parents first then moving down the list of people that have hurt you. Thank you. Hold fast

*

Scarlett O

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 50
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2015, 01:48:27 AM »
Wow, hold fast, the last thing you said really resonated with me. When my ex and I used to fight at the beginning of our marriage, he would ALWAYS end up saying something about his parents' divorce. every single time. I thought it was weird, like "hey, we were talking about US, not your parents..." My parents really did not fight much, so I really didn't know how to handle conflict in my own marriage. My ex is very unforgiving (aren't most PDs?). But that makes total sense to forgive your parents first. I felt I forgave my parents the day I lost my sister. That I knew the pain they were to endure was nothing compared to my complaints about them.

I wonder if my exPD was drawing attention away from taking responsibility during an argument, or not coming to terms with his parents' divorce---probably both.

*

Marathon

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 111
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2015, 10:25:16 AM »
""It seems like he hasn't forgiven you. My husband does this too. It is so very hard for him to forgive people, and he holds on to his anger for years and years. I wonder what type of relationship he can have with God when he has so much unforgiveness in his heart."
This is so hard for me to understand...as a believer I want to be at peace with all men as the Word says and I try and do this as best I am able. I have lost track of all the people that have "offended" my wife or " betrayed" her...me being the chief culprit and unforgivable. Thankfully I know One who does forgive me. He is always there for us.

*

Be Strong

  • New Member
  • *
  • 8
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2015, 09:15:10 PM »
I am also very glad that we have a Savior that forgives us when we ask him. I wish my husband could see my love for him. He has a really bad feelings about women after his counseling didn't go the way he wanted it to. He feels like women are liars. He feels like he has been a disappointment to me and to his father. He cannot feel the love I have for him I think because he is basing love on  certain actions. Like if I question something he is doing or a idea he has then I am being unloving and he usually pulls away even more from me. If I say I love him or give him a compliment it doesn't usually  make him feel good. It is the action of not being negative that makes him feel good. It is not the action of being positive. Life is so confusing. Life is not all about never having any waves in the ocean. I feel like he would like it that way. It is a hard way to live because I am always concerned about getting him upset. Just the tone of my voice will upset him when I am not trying to have a tone. Tone to him is huge. I think because of his childhood basically having criticism. Hold Fast

*

Rainstorm

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1174
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #14 on: March 03, 2015, 04:05:25 PM »
Quote
Just the tone of my voice will upset him when I am not trying to have a tone. Tone to him is huge.

Tone is huge to my husband too, and it's something that I haven't learnt to control because I can't even hear whatever it is that he is hearing.

*

CoveredByGrace

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 70
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #15 on: March 03, 2015, 10:40:30 PM »
Quote
Just the tone of my voice will upset him when I am not trying to have a tone. Tone to him is huge.

Tone is huge to my husband too, and it's something that I haven't learnt to control because I can't even hear whatever it is that he is hearing.

Interesting, tone is important to my husband as well, but it only applies to my tone. Put that in reverse when he is speaking harshly towards me, then I just need to deal with it.

I wonder if my exPD was drawing attention away from taking responsibility during an argument, or not coming to terms with his parents' divorce---probably both.
I think there is some truth to that, not appropriately dealing with the hurt parents have inflicted. My husband will not go into a lot of detail, so I know there's pain there, but to bring it up causes even more chaos as he claims he's left the past there...but if you haven't really dealt with it and you're just ignoring it, then it's going to manifest itself in the present.

Thankfully I know One who does forgive me. He is always there for us.
Absolutely, Marathon! Couldn't agree more!

*

Be Strong

  • New Member
  • *
  • 8
Re: False teaching...
« Reply #16 on: March 04, 2015, 01:54:32 AM »
Yes is is very hard to hear how we sound to other people. I do need to work on my tone of voice. I agree that when my husband has a tone in his voice when he is speaking to me that it doesn't seem to bother him.