Co-parenting with unBPD wife

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Their Dad

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Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« on: February 17, 2015, 05:00:49 PM »
Hello,

I am writing to let out some fear and sorrow I have over my unBPD wife and her divorce.  I have been struggling since it all got started and can't believe she has filed for divorce and broke up our family.  We are now co-parenting our children on 50/50 basis with a 3-2-2 schedule.  I become  anxious and tense before she calls the children and when we have transitions that do not take place at school.   I have a hard time accepting this and that this is what our lives have come to.  I never married to end up in a situation like this and it hurts so much.  I miss our children dearly when they are not with me and wish I could be in there lives 100% of the time even though this would involve continuing in a toxic relationship with a someone who blames me for everything and wants to erase me from her life. 

Some days are better than others.  I have had a very rough couple of days after sorting through  some of the rooms in our house and purging mutual items that are to thrown out or donated.   Our house is on the market and I will have to move into a rental over the summer.   Between the broken family, lost dreams, financial devastation and loss of our home, it is so hard to accept and I still have a hard time "letting go" of her.  All things considered, I am amazed at how I am hurting when I feel I should be mad at her instead.

Thank you.

Their Dad

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Ty_A

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Re: Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2015, 06:00:54 PM »
Hi TD and welcome,

Did your wife leave with the kids when she left? Did she talk about it before? Did you try counseling?

I am living with uBNPDw, we have been married 14 years almost and have S7 and S4. She has "flipped" completely in the past two years, blaming me for everything and basically trashing me, trying to treat me so bad I would leave her.

We are still together, I am still fighting to keep the family together, hoping something in her therapy wakes her up to see what she is doing to herself and everyone around her.

It's total chaos now, I am feeling very lost, but working on myself and not playing her PD games any more.

I love my boys, I do everything for them, I dread having to reach a point that you are in now.

As you have already gone a certain path, We are here to support you in any way you need. Share what you like and as always the people here will try to help.

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Their Dad

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Re: Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2015, 06:21:32 PM »
Ty_A,

She left with the kids but with the understanding that there would be some sort of custody arrangement set up.  She attempted the every other weekend thing for me and I ended up with 50/50 after a few months of the attorneys getting involved and later stipulations/court order.   

This was a blindside for me.  We had our difficulties, actually a lot, but I figured things would smooth over once the kids were a little older.  We tried marriage counseling about a year prior but she decided she did not like the therapist about five or six sessions in and stopped going.   

She tried to get me to move out about a year ago and I received legal advise to never leave the marital home.   

We were all on a four day vacation the week she announced the divorce and all seamed fine at the time. 

She is blaming me  for  everything  wrong in her life and stated she is going to finds someone to take care of her because I never did?

If you are not already seeing your own therapist, I suggest you find one that specializes in these situations.  I would not wish it upon anyone. 

Their Dad

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Ty_A

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Re: Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2015, 11:43:28 AM »
Thanks TD,

Yes, I am seeing my own T who has been helping me a lot with coping with what's going on and putting me on the right track to taking care of myself and keeping my kids safe emotionally and physically.

I hope you are doing well.

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emca

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Re: Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2015, 04:43:15 PM »
Mate I am so sorry to hear about your situation.... I know it might seem hard to imagine BUT things will get better. In fact they have already started to get better for you. But you just cant see it... The reason I say that is because you are out of an abusive relationship. Let me ask you this. If you had a daughter who got involved with someone who was violent would you want her to stay in that relationship?

In my mind the emotional abuse I copped, and probably YOU COPPED on a daily basis is damaging. You are now free from that abusive person. Things are getting better.

Next - you mentioned that you're worried when you have to see her. Yup I understand, been there. So here is a tip. Write a script and practice it. So let me give you an example of what happens at change over for me...
Me - Hi how are you.
Her - I don't have enough money you're gonna have to put some money in my bank.
Me - That is not something that should be discussed at change-overs.
Her - I'm sick to death of you never taking responsibility blah blah blah
Me -  That is not something that should be discussed at change-overs.

All the while you have to look over her shoulder, like there is something heaps more interesting than her... NEVER interrupt her. But don't pay particular attention to her either. It has taken more than a year of being sworn at, yelled at, threatened etc, but now she seems pretty quiet. I have a theory that once we get out of these abusive relationships the ex tries to maintain the power and control that existed during the relationship. Once you can get them to understand that crap doesn't apply anymore then you are on your way. BUT you also have to understand that HER CRAP doesn't apply to you anymore and that sometimes is the biggest hurdle...
I hope things start improving for you. THEY WILL and eventually you will not be grieving the end of your marriage, you will be asking yourself what the heck were you wasting your time with that person....
cheers
eamon


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Their Dad

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Re: Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2015, 02:36:49 AM »
Thanks Eamon. 

Your post is helpful.  There was a lot there that I skip over as I process the grief.  We have been in an unhealthy relationship.  She had never "forgiven" me for her being arrested for smashing a window in our new home because it was me that called the police? I probably should have filed for divorce the following day but was too stuck in the relationship to go through with it. 

The way she has since written me off as dead to her has been such an hurtful, cruel experience.  I can't believe he hurt. 

Thanks again.

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dreamtree

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Re: Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2015, 03:56:24 PM »
Hey Their Dad,

Wow- yeah, there is just no way around the hurt of the unbelievableness of it all. I totally relate. My BPD husband is currently taking a more passive route, as in not discussing ANYthing with me, but I dont trust him. His way of thinking is bizarre and after 20 years of marriage I have realized there is no shortcut through the heartbreak and processing it all. 

Now that you have the 50/50 thing nailed down _ Good for you By The Way _ the only thing you can do is catch your breath and realize its going to be a long process to get yourself processing everything and beginning to put her and her behaviors in their "proper perspective". I know my husband will have some crazy stuff to serve up in the coming months. Its going to be constant process of dealing with him and not letting him derail me.

(hugs)

-Dreamtree

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Rocket88

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Re: Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2015, 11:31:05 PM »
I feel for you Their Dad.

I'm a dad too.  We tried therapy, and if the therapist got too close, she'd quit and declare that therapist 'unqualified' or whatever.  But I kept at it. I'm never knew she was NPD.  But, I learned her and me like the back of my hand.

The, a blow up, the police, etc. and she had to go to a therapist.  First thing that one told me was she displayed 'Narcissistic' tendencies.  I looked it up and wow - like my life flashed before my eyes and that was it - separation and divorce filed.

Now the problem is kids.  She won't respond to any kind of kid communication.  I am trying to go as little contact as possible, but I suppose this is her only hold on me now, not responding.

Also, we are week on week off.  What do you do to fill your time?  I would love a date, not even a date that leads to dating, just go to eat and listen, anything.  Something to help me feel more normal again.

I am over all the NPD stuff - 25 years of marriage worth - I just want to move on.  But it's hard.  Somebody said if we are strong enough to withstand the PD marriage we can handle this.  I hope so.

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emca

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Re: Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2015, 04:18:58 PM »
Rocket88.

Mate I found the first year or two really rough. I had the kids some of the time and I had my job, but I had an awful lot of time alone. I look back now and I realise how crazy my relationship was. I was to busy doing EVERYTHING to keep the house / marriage / family together. Working 60 hours, and doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc... It was just crazy. So after I got kicked out I had lotsa time on my hands.

One thing that really helped me was attending a men's support group once a week. I have made some really great friends through that group. They have all been through similar divorce / parental alienation / emotional distress caused by BPD wives etc. It is awesome to have friends who I can talk to about my emotions. It isn't the sort of thing I'd do with work mates or anyone else except maybe a counsellor. Maybe you should have a look around and see if there is something similar in your area.

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Birdnerd

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Re: Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« Reply #9 on: March 07, 2015, 11:40:23 AM »
Hey TD,

I hope it gets better for you.

Just to share, I moved out last July after my uNPDw filed for divorce. It wasn't a surprise, we both saw it coming. We have two young kids, on a 3-2-2 schedule.

Things have gotten better. Since I don't have to coordinate with her everyday, the tension has washed away. I'm able to be more present for the kids when I have them. I'm able to work on my own stuff when I don't have them.

The transfers usually happen at school, but occasionally I'll get the kids directly from her house, and that will usually end with me putting screaming children into the car. This is a bit traumatic, but within 5-10 minutes they've calmed down and we're back to normal. It's almost like a show they put on for their mom, or that's how mom acts, so that's how they act around her.

I still get triggered whenever we actually have to discuss something real. Like I'm taking the kids for a week long vacation this summer, she initially didn't want me to take the little one, because he'll only be three. Sure he'll miss her, but come on, it's just a week with dad, his big sis and my family. Or coordinating childcare, or schooling. Luckily, we don't have to fight about everything everyday, so these things only come up every few weeks, I have more energy to stand my ground.

Anyway, my point being, it gets better.

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DogBox

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Re: Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2015, 03:10:10 PM »
It does get better.  After a few years we actually have the opportunity to see ourselves as we really are.  It has taken years for me though.  AND, realizing that she was not the only NPD in my life. 

It was a complete surprise (looking back I just had my head in my ass).  It was doomed from day one.  She was going to use me until there was nothing left.  And yes,  I did act out on rare occasion when I was unable to cope any longer.  And yes, even the police came to take me away for threatening suicide. 

They do shit to you daily and then when you break they use that to make it look like you're the one that is disordered and there is nothing further from the truth.

My exNPDW must have been having an orgasm as I knelt beside her asking for forgiveness (of what I don't know) and begging her to not leave, take the children and destroy everything.  This was the end result. This is what she wanted.

I'll never forget: She had me drop our youngest son at her new place.  She was very specific about the time (go figure).  When I drove up to drop our son off there was her "new" boyfriend getting out of the car I bought her.  The smile that crept across her lips.  The satisfaction of ruining my day.  The joy it gave her and the pain that caused was unbearable.  I'll never forget that smile.  It just made her day.  It was fun for her.   

My infraction ??? Asking for something.  One thing.  Just one nice word.  Nothing was worthy of attention.  Nothing was good enough.  Not the home, not the companies, not the private schools, the paid for vehicles, the coffee I made her in the mornings (I didn't drink coffee), not the flowers, the presents, the work, nothing.  I was only to be reminded of some past misgivings back to 1991.  Yea, that long ago.  Nothing else counted.  And anything less than perfect was held against me.  I felt like I was secretly being compared to people I could never be like.  Ever, but that's not the point.  The point was to tear me down...endlessly. 

She did just that. 

But I know they have to wonder.  When you make it through.  You end up better than you were.  You end up with the hot import real woman that is light years better than the domestic hag ever was.  They gotta be wondering how you did it.  You know it eats them up inside when you do well. 

So do well.  Eff 'em.

DogBox


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emca

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Re: Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« Reply #11 on: March 27, 2015, 06:13:31 PM »
yup what HE said. Too bloody right.

Dogbox, your story sounds remarkably like mine. Coffee every morning. When I politely remind her that I cook her dinner, pay her bills, bring her coffee in bed every morning. Do you know what she said? I don't want coffee anymore, I want tea... YUP same with the boyfriend, made a point of showing him off. He is older than me and to be honest not that impressive...

It has been nearly 4 yrs since she kicked me out. Accused me of violence and did everything in her power to stop me seeing the kids... And here I am 4 yrs on, sitting beside my 6yr old son, who is watching looney toon cartoons. I don't even know where the ex lives, I have not heard from her in ages and the kids seem settled living with their dad... YUP it gets better...




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justbreathe88

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Re: Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« Reply #12 on: May 27, 2015, 12:08:43 PM »
My DH is co-parenting with xBPD and he is not very computer friendly.  But I would like to chime in on this for him because everything sounds so similar to what he went through and is still going through.

Despite everything BPD did to him he still couldn't stop loving her for so long.  She cheated on him multiple times and expected him to do everything for her.  If he didn't bring her coffee and breakfast in bed she wouldn't get out of bed.  When she left she didn't see her son for 6 months straight and used every excuse she could come up with so she didn't have to take care of him.  For the next 6 months after that my DH finally convinced her to have her son 2 nights a week on her days off which she didn't even take care of her son while he was there it was her roommate.

It is almost like he suffers from PTSD because of the BPD.  She messed with his head so bad that he actually believed it was all his fault.  Sometimes small things I do trigger him and he is sent back to a mind set of being with her.  If I check my phone briefly when I wake up it will remind him of when she would spend hours in the morning in bed just on her phone.  He gets flashbacks and gets very scared  because he goes back to the pain he felt at that time when she used him.  She always tried to say he was bipolar, but let me tell you guys don't feel guilty for reacting in anger at times to your xBPD.  Even just having her involved in my SS's life and having to deal with her in that respect is enough for me to have a glimpse of the pain and frustration he went through.  There have been times where he smashed his phone because of talking to her on the phone, but honestly she makes my blood boil too and I didn't have to go through what he did.  There have been times where I almost felt like I couldn't handle her in my life that I thought about leaving my DH before we were married, but I couldn't make him deal with her alone.

She never stepped up to the plate as a mom until she got a boyfriend (DSS was maybe 3 at this time).  She decide a year and a half ago that she wanted to replace my DH as a father, and kept my DH away from his son in order to accomplish that.  She is so hard on the head.  She kept away the family that raised her son because she thought that maybe she would get that time back in some sick way she thought that we were the reason her son didn't love her or care about her.  She was mostly mad that he wouldn't agree to the schedule she wanted which was for him to have every second weekend (when he had been primary care already for about 3 years) so obviously he said no. The hardest part to deal with was the fact that she never actually took care of her son his whole life.  This specific time she hired a 14 year old girl to babysit from sun up to sun down and the child wasn't allowed to leave the house so we couldn't see him.  The babysitter said that most of the time she wouldn't even say bye when she went to work let alone spend anytime with him.  She cut ties between her son and his F all because she was jealous of their relationship, but didn't try to have that relationship herself.  But this tactic worked for her and she got exactly what she wanted for the schedule.

Before court her and her BF broke up and of course it went back to the old schedule where she would only take him on her 2 days off.  That's it.  That's all she wanted until her and her and her BF got back together a week before settlement conference.  Then all of a sudden she hired her lawyer back "to protect her rights" even though she had made it very clear she only wanted her son on her days off.  Of course that lawyer fought for what she didn't want... the system still baffles me.  Now we have one week on one week off.

The sad part is the madness NEVER ends.  She acts like nothing ever happened and she is in control again.  It's like she forgets but this was all just before Christmas.  I am leaving out all the juicy stuff to keep it short, but she said that her BF was dangerous to be around her son.. he was punching holes in her walls and breaking into her house.  To make it all even juicier she is pregnant with someone else's kid, but he didn't have a job and her exBF was actually a better choice for her. She had her and her son stay at her new BFs when her and her exBF were breaking up and they were hiding from him.  She wanted this new BF to move in with her and raise the baby together but he thought it was too fast for him so she went back to her exBF even though she asked my DH to protect her from him...

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Sysiphus

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Re: Co-parenting with unBPD wife
« Reply #13 on: August 11, 2015, 01:03:47 PM »
Hang in there, it isn't you.  I have been on this roller coaster for 12 years, and only truly began to understand the last 8 weeks.  It feels ....good.  I finally get that in all honesty it isn't me.  Nothing, literally nothing I could do would be sufficient to stop the crazy, to make her understand, to make her care.  Because the bottom line is that she can't.  It's sad but real.  Hold your head high, feel the pain and disappointment, own it and then let it go.  We're with ya' bro, been there and done that is really true on this site.