I've lost all faith.

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chocolatechip

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I've lost all faith.
« on: March 19, 2015, 03:35:12 AM »
I have lived for many years with abuse in my life from my immediate family. I am just realizing this for the first time in my life. Before, I was a Christian. My faith was never that strong. I consistently struggled with God being loving and transparent and there for you.

I have seen and struggled that God could actually be good. The biggest deal breaker was being born to my unchosen family. I cannot imagine to forgive right now and I don't think I want religion.

I am remorseful as there is a small hope that this is real. It's so hard to believe it but I have experienced the supernatural and kindness from people. I still don't believe it.

I am agnostic. I lost hope that I could do anything about it. I want to change and have direction but not until I'm ready. I don't know what to do. I given up on everything else.

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brownies

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Re: I've lost all faith.
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2015, 03:55:48 PM »
When I feel this way, I realize it is not faith that I've lost, it is hope that is lost. I ask for a sign that good things can happen in my life. I wonder how *this* (circumstance, or relationship) has been put in my life, and what am I being taught, what will I learn from it? Can I develop more tolerance, can I be a better person?

I'm sorry you've lost faith, that is your truth. I will lift you up in prayer.  :hug:
If you like fireworks, just say "NO".

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seekingvision

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Re: I've lost all faith.
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2015, 10:24:59 AM »
I hope that as you process your grief, your anger will subside and that you will feel more positive spiritually.

Abuse and being abused tends to lower a person to a physical only state.  By this I mean one is like an animal in survival mode.  I think that our emotions and spirituality are shut off in favor of feeling physical pain so we can jump from the frying pan so to speak.

Ironically, abuse has a very objectified component, which fails to see it's victim as having emotions and spirituality. 

I hope you are in a safe place now and can start healing and rebuilding your holistic self.

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vannah

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Re: I've lost all faith.
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2015, 05:31:03 PM »
I have lived for many years with abuse in my life from my immediate family. I am just realizing this for the first time in my life. Before, I was a Christian. My faith was never that strong. I consistently struggled with God being loving and transparent and there for you.

I have seen and struggled that God could actually be good. The biggest deal breaker was being born to my unchosen family. I cannot imagine to forgive right now and I don't think I want religion.

I am remorseful as there is a small hope that this is real. It's so hard to believe it but I have experienced the supernatural and kindness from people. I still don't believe it.

I am agnostic. I lost hope that I could do anything about it. I want to change and have direction but not until I'm ready. I don't know what to do. I given up on everything else.

Chocolatechip,
I am lifting you up in prayer. I too, have felt as you do now. I have felt suicidal (over my NPD FOO) and had lost all faith (in God). This was last year. I cannot offer advice, only my experiences that I hope can offer support and encouragement to you. Like you, faith has been hard for me. But I am ok with that because God says in His word that a measure of faith is granted to each one of us, and I think we are ALL on a jouney (of faith) across our lifespan. Consider Thomas, who had to SEE Jesus' hands before he believed. Consider so many in the bible, who too, struggled with their belief. You are not alone. Especially trying times and upbringing only make doubt worse. That is why there are so many great examples in the bible to demonstrate that God knows this is how we are. It's ok. So, don't compare yourself to Billy Graham or anyone else. Accept yourself for where you are. Cry out to God. I told God, I have no faith! I do NOT believe you! I need evidence that YOU care for me! That you LOVE me! I was at such a low point...it is hard to put into words. But, I admitted I had no faith, just as you are, I let go of the rope.  But you know what happened? God did not let go of me.   when you don't see God, when you don't hear from God, when you don't feel God, TRUST God. That is all He asks of us. It is very hard to overcome when you come from a PD family. especially a family who throws christianity in your face every chance they can ("Oh, you call yourself a Christian?? why don't you forgive and forget? Etc etc") So, I get it. I believe that everyone will be held accountable for their actions one day. That is biblical. That is truth. Maybe today they seem like they are getting off scot free and you are left with the mess of their upbringing but that is not true either. You can choose to change. You can choose to have faith and move forward. Faith comes first by a choice, a conscious decision when it often seems ILLOGICAL to do so. It is not a feeling. It is a CHOICE. God will meet you where you are and show you Himself. But, first, we must make that choice to trust Him. I still struggle with my faith from time to time, and I know that God knows this. I know I am on a journey, and God is not finished with me yet, because I am still here. And He is not finished with you yet either. I hope you come to know and truly believe, that no matter what has or will happen to you in this life, God IS good, because He cannot deny Himself. God is FOR us, not against us, contrary to what so much in life says. Satan will keep you down, with the lies that you are not ready to take God on and trust Him. That is his specialty. Reject that and Trust God. 
I will pray for your faith.  :)
« Last Edit: March 20, 2015, 05:53:15 PM by vannah »

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istherehope1

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Re: I've lost all faith.
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2015, 11:25:51 PM »
C.S. Lewis, author of The Chronicles of Narnia series, suggests that when a person struggles with loving others on the inside, he/she should begin doing acts of love on the outside and soon the person's inside changes.  I think the same is true of faith.  If someone questions whether God exists but has a background in faith; then start practicing that faith as if He does.  Go where you would if you believed.  Pray as you would pray as if you believed.  Live as you would live as if you believed.  As you do these things, perhaps you will find the faith you lost or discover something even better.  Also, take comfort in your struggle to believe.  If faith was the easy path, it wouldn't stand out as special.  True faith in a good God in the midst of a world full of hate, hurt, and hardship is based on a relationship with God through Jesus, not a feeling nor a circumstance.  Praying for you.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: I've lost all faith.
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2015, 08:41:26 AM »
Not wanting religion isn't the same as not wanting God. Religion and God are two separate things.
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. Individuation is the key to emotional freedom.

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bruisermel

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Re: I've lost all faith.
« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2015, 01:50:31 AM »
Hi chocolate chip,

I'm sorry that you've had to endure such difficulties. Welcome to the forum as this is a great place to learn and grow on your healing journey.

As for your faith (and full disclosure, I am an atheist), I'm not sure now is the time to make a decision on what you believe.  It sounds like you are just coming to the realization of the truth of how your "loved ones" abused you. Having your eyes opened to the abuse is huge, but is just the beginning of your healing process. You are going to change a lot in the next several months/years as you sort through how the abuse impacted your thought processes/world views/sense of self, etc. Your emotions/feelings are going to change.

Keep in mind that people treating you well does not make religion or God true and people not treating you well does not make religion or God not true.

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Deb2

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Re: I've lost all faith.
« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2015, 04:24:50 PM »
FWIW, my mother lost all her faith after my parents divirce and the church she attended treat her poorly. They treated her as if SHE had done something wrong, when it was my father who cheated. For several months, we attended different churches to see if they were a fit for her. She did find one community that helped her come to a place where she was confortable. But she was pretty much an agnostic for the rest of her life. And she lived a good life, full of love, laughter and joy.

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GracieMae

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Re: I've lost all faith.
« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2015, 02:33:45 PM »
Religion and faith are two different things.  Religion can be anything from worshipping God, to worshipping cats, to witchcraft.  But Faith is something much much much bigger.  Hope is active.  I hope things will get better so I put my faith in God to carry it out.  Without hope there is nothing.  No matter how down and out and worthless and broken I have been I have always had hope.  Hope that tomorrow will be better.  Hope that someday I will be out of the mess that I am in.  My hope, my faith is my maker, my redeemer, my protector, my great physician, my best friend, my Father...the one I run to for everything and He give me peace and I can rest in his arms.  Have you lost hope or have you lost faith.  I pray for you that God give you peace.

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Pariah

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Re: I've lost all faith.
« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2015, 02:55:28 PM »
 :yeahthat:

I've had to leave religion to find greater faith and a more personal relationship with God when the going got really rough. Mankind always has the potential to fail us, but God has never failed me.

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farfromthetree

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Re: I've lost all faith.
« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2015, 03:46:15 PM »
Where I've landed on this is I've become a Stinkin'  Liberal Christian. That allows me to avoid rigidity, maintain my autonomy, question God without guilt, and be a "cafeteria Christian" when necessary.

 ;D ;D ;D

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chocolatechip

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Re: I've lost all faith.
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2015, 09:31:05 PM »
A lot of spiritual things have happened since I've written this post. I have a lot more clarity and peace since then. I'm grateful for all the replies and suggestions.

I recently read my bible and I haven't read it in awhile. I was feeling depressed. I was overcome by an immense peace just by reading it. Thank God.

 :smug: *peace*

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brownies

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Re: I've lost all faith.
« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2015, 09:44:10 PM »
 :thumbup: :hug:
If you like fireworks, just say "NO".