Volunteering PDs

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Volunteering PDs
« on: May 15, 2015, 04:27:26 PM »
My husband has started to volunteer at our church a lot lately. I'd like to think it was due to a genuine desire to serve God, but I suspect it may have more to do with gaining attention and approval from others. I think he may even be using it to gain sympathy, since he is quick to tell people that our marriage is in trouble.

 Just wondering what your experience has been with the PDs you know and volunteering. Do they go overboard? Do they quit after only a short time because of conflict or not getting enough attention? Are they reliable?



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Re: Volunteering PDs
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2015, 04:20:36 PM »
My PDdad volunteers quite a bit.  I think his motives for volunteering are to appease guilt for how poorly he's treated people and to look for validation and approval from others (he loves telling people about his volunteer opportunities, including telling me he gives "all his money to charity which makes him a much better person than DH or I will ever be"  :stars:). If he can list these tangible ways in which he is "good" he must therefore be "good" and noone can have a bone to pick with him, he is blameless. I think some one this comes from his Catholic faith which, in my experience, tends toward a more work-based salvation and he feels compelled to work to gain approval in God's and other peoples' eyes.

Having said all that, I'm happy for the people that benefit from his volunteer time no matter the motive or dysfunction behind it :)  Hopefully his toxic personality and behavior don't come through to the people he is trying to help.



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Re: Volunteering PDs
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2015, 04:37:14 AM »
Hi Rainstorm,

My stbxuNPD volunteered often.  It was for many reasons.  Mostly for admiration, working on the acceptable admirable persona of a good person, a way to meet other women, to "prove" he was good (maybe to himself). 

It became vile to hear the boasting about how he volunteered this and did that to both complete strangers and to friends.  The exact opposite of why a person volunteers.  I respect those that can volunteer without the recognition because they do it from the heart.

Quit?  no, never.  It is something to continue to build the persona with.  impress new people because the other people in their lives figure them out; that they are self-absorbed.  Impress their kids and of course impress themselves. 
Not reliable one bit.  Eventually their concerns will have a conflict with the volunteer schedule.  Their schedule will always come first but don't worry, they have many excuses to use.  They may even have the excuse of one volunteer effort was scheduled over another, or they have work out of town.  But it goes the other way too where they are so busy with the volunteering trying to gain admiration they choose that over important things like family.   Everything is a deceitful. 

It makes me ill to think how it was used and still is being used.  And while I get angry that this has screwed up stuff for our children, it's good for the cause.  So I am sad for the children.  I am unsure what they really learn with it.  The volunteer act became more important to their father than their own lives.  It's important not to be selfish but what they don't see is that he does this volunteer act for selfish reasons.  He didn't actually give up anything of his own, he gave up something of theirs (time with homework, friends, sports, etc).

Even at services, I listen to how we see God in those around us.  So this pd person volunteering is supposed to look good to us?  I know the intention is not represented by the act.  I simply cannot see God when the intention is not pure.  I hope not to offend but I go back and forth.  Is it good or not good?  Volunteers are needed badly so why should it matter what their intention is?  It doesn't.  I just refuse to see "good" in my pd because it is simple. It's all about him.

I hope not to sound so cynical but it's what I think/feel.  I'm still healing through this ordeal while he keeps living as he has always (a single man when not with his wife/children).  It's been hard and the volunteer boast is so annoying. 



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Re: Volunteering PDs
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2015, 10:24:00 AM »
My story about my ex that made me go " hmmmm."

She was supposed to  retire in early 2015, if she kept to her plan.  One thing she wanted to do after retirement was volunteer at one of our many hospitals in the baby ward.  She loves babies, feels a special bond w them, likes to look in their eyes, believes she is excellent at soothing, comforting, and she probably is.

Ok, great.  She does her research.  However due to today's security climate all of the hospitals but one have eliminated their baby holding programs, or limit them strictly to family members.  So that option not available to her.

The one that has a program is the children's hospital, which has the most serious, long term cases.  And, yes, she could volunteer to hold, comfort, and sooth these sick babies . . . .

Except that THEY ARE SICK.

So no way . . .

Hmmmmm , . .