Very complicated. Gay exNPDh and I'm straight

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Murphy83

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Very complicated. Gay exNPDh and I'm straight
« on: July 07, 2015, 01:45:41 AM »
Okay. I don't know if any of you will have any advice for me or if you will even want to approach my problem, but here it goes.

I am female and straight. I was married for 22 years to my NPDh. I knew through most of our relationship/marriage that he led a secret lifestyle of being gay.
I continued on with him even though several times I could have confronted him with the truth and left him justifiably(because of affairs).
I didn't leave on the gay account because I knew that information would leave him all alone. His family would disown him.
He has a chronic vascular syndrome that he could die from at any time. That was mostly why I stayed.

Our divorce was finalized this past December. We have an 18 year old daughter that lives with me and doesn't know about her Dad's sexual orientation.

I guess I should also tell you that I am not homophobic. I have quite a few gay friends that I love. They all know I'm straight.

He visited a friend that is known to be gay several years ago. When he returned home, he was hospitalized and it was very serious. We both thought he may die.
I thought he probably had AIDS but the HIV test came back negative. It turned out to be CMV that was newly acquired.

Let me throw another wrench into all this. We are Pentacostal Christians. If he ever admitted to being gay, he might have to leave town. We live in a very small town!

Saying all that! It was very hard for me to leave him but my daughter was suffering terribly at his abuse and I feel she had a mental breakdown.
We left the day after he told her therapist that something was wrong with her and she needed to be fixed.

We are on speaking terms. My daughter and I have boundaries that we have set and will not negotiate. This is working pretty well.

He tells me last week that he has tested positive for HIV. And of course, that leads to me being tested. I don't mind that part because I'm 99% sure I'm negative.
We have both been tested for HIV at least twice during our marriage for various reasons and were negative. I haven't had sex with him since his trip to see his friend. And it probably was a couple of years even before that.

So, here's my problem. I am still tied to him because I am the ONLY one that knows ALL his medical history (22 years plus of doctors for his other chronic illness). I have worked in the health care field and know what to tell health care professionals to help him.
I am sooo angry that he's put me in this position! His family are ALL NPD (no kidding!) and they just care about themselves and show up when it will look good.
He is still in denial about being gay and has NO CLUE how he got HIV. Thank goodness he's not blaming me yet. He really is the emotional equivalent of a 5 year old who doesn't quite understand how the world works at times.

He is worried about the stigma attached to his diagnosis and how people will judge him. Because of the NPD, he will NEVER admit he is gay. His uncle molested several girls(including his own daughter); went to prison for it and NEVER admitted he did it. The evidence on ONE girl was strong enough to send him to prison for six years. I know my ex will Never admit his sexuality.

I am so angry that this is how it's gonna end. I spent years worrying that he would die from a ruptured aneurysm and what will probably kill him is the HIV/CMV complications.

I know all this sounds far-fetched and I wouldn't blame a single one of you for not replying. The life with an NPD is already absurd. And now, it's become very complicated.

So far, I am the only one who knows about the HIV. Please pray I am negative or his family will probably blame me for him being infected.

I don't know if any of you have anything to offer me and if you don't, then so be it.

Thanks for reading my story.


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kiwihelen

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Re: Very complicated. Gay exNPDh and I'm straight
« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2015, 05:35:02 AM »
No wisdom other than suggesting when family ask about his status, just say "I'm not his wife or his health care provider, you will have to discuss it with him. " just jeep repeating it

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Murphy83

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Re: Very complicated. Gay exNPDh and I'm straight
« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2015, 01:24:58 PM »
Thank you kiwihelen.

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awakeningeagle

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Re: Very complicated. Gay exNPDh and I'm straight
« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2015, 07:47:37 PM »
God love you.  My word what a mess!

A thought...

Quote
So, here's my problem. I am still tied to him because I am the ONLY one that knows ALL his medical history (22 years plus of doctors for his other chronic illness). I have worked in the health care field and know what to tell health care professionals to help him.

How does this mean you have to be tied to him??  Is it b/c you still care for him?  Or for the sake of your daughter perhaps you want to guard his health?  I could understand either of those, but it's important to remember that you are NOT required to do this.  He is NOT your responsibility.  PD or no, he is old enough to take care of his own health.

Nothing about this sounds far-fetched at all.  It sounds like a bad situation that is made all the more complicated by his lack of being honest about his sexuality AND by being in a judgmental community.  (To be clear, there are many things you have mentioned which I would say probably merit judgement.  The whole cheating on you thing in particular.)  Not that his sexuality, in and of itself, SHOULD bring shame on him (or anyone), but the reality is that in communities such as yours there is a degree of "shame" that will be seen, and it is incredibly unfortunate that on top of everything else you are dealing with being in a situation where your heterosexual mate ended up NOT being heterosexual, now you also have to worry about him deflecting this "shame" onto you as well.  Praying for you that the HIV test continues to be negative for you.  I'm guessing that is pretty likely given what you've described, and in that case I can't imagine that the community and his family would view you as anything but a VICTIM, bc it would be clear at the very least that he was unfaithful to you, plus suspicious that he is possibly gay.  I come from a conservative community also, and no doubt if someone were to suddenly turn up HIV possitive no doubt everyone would assume they are gay. 

I have to say, you are much more compassionate toward him than is probably deserved, and far more understanding of what he has likely gone through as a gay male in a conservative community.  Just the fact of having a husband who turns out to be gay is a difficult thing to go through.  Throw in there the community, HIV, affairs, and PD, and you've had a full plate my dear.  I'm so sorry :-(  Feel free to post here! 
 :bighug:

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Murphy83

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Re: Very complicated. Gay exNPDh and I'm straight
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2015, 03:14:49 AM »
Thank you for your kind reply, awakening eagle. Yes. I do still care for him despite all he's done. That doesn't mean I would ever return to that insane world. I just could not turn my back on my worst enemy if I knew I could help in their Heath care. Especially, my daughters father.

You are right. It is his responsibility but his Heath without the HIV is fragile. I have been with this family through one Brother's death with an aneurysm rupture and a sister with a brain aneurysm leak. My ex has 9 aneurysms that are monitored. I have seen how his family handles medical issues and to say they have minimum coping skills is as good as I can put it.

His choices in his secret lifestyle have complicated his healthcare and that's what makes me angry. That he wouldn't take precautions. What a stupid thing to do!

I will just have to see how it all plays out. I really appreciate the response and the prayers.

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Murphy83

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Re: Very complicated. Gay exNPDh and I'm straight
« Reply #5 on: August 23, 2016, 03:06:26 PM »
It's been a year since this post. If anyone is left wondering, here's the update. Our local hospital has all healthcare information including the HIV. My daughter and I have 99% No Contact. There is no longer any need for us to attend a medical emergency with him. The hospital knows what to do. If my daughter went, the whole family would leave his healthcare management up to her - which is unfair. We have decided to not attend any medical emergencies and we will not be attending his funeral. I have taken my maiden name back and my daughter will be changing her last name next Spring after graduation. Then we are moving out of state. It has taken a year to get to this point. I just wanted to follow up this post. Thanks for the kind responses.

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kiwihelen

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Re: Very complicated. Gay exNPDh and I'm straight
« Reply #6 on: August 23, 2016, 04:54:29 PM »
Great boundary work...I'm glad you've come to the right resolution for you and your daughter.

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Murphy83

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Re: Very complicated. Gay exNPDh and I'm straight
« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2016, 12:31:58 AM »
Thank you, kiwihelen. It's been a long time coming.

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Jay-Dee

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Re: Very complicated. Gay exNPDh and I'm straight
« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2016, 10:12:13 PM »
Very proud of you!  You have handled this in a very gracious and mature manner. Best wishes for you and your daughter in your new life.

JD

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Liftedfog

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Re: Very complicated. Gay exNPDh and I'm straight
« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2016, 08:07:12 AM »
 :applause:

You inspire me. Thanks for the positive update.  Stay safe and strong.