Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings

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npdsurvivor

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Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« on: July 26, 2015, 01:32:03 AM »
Hi Everyone.

I am curious about the GC's role in participating in the N abuse of the SG siblings. My FOO consists of 2 NPD parents (MN passed away but NF is still living), my GC brother, and myself, the SG. I recently had a conversation with my best friend of many years about N abuse and my FOO dynamics and she agreed with me and provided specific examples of how my GC brother has participated in my abuse as the SG. She provided really good examples that I hadn't even recognized myself. She was exposed to my family a lot growing up so she knows the dynamics really well and was able to provide me with a lot of support and validation.

So my question is: how many of you would say that your GC siblings have been aware of the N abuse that we, their SG siblings endure? Do any of you feel that your siblings actually participated in the abuse?

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bunnie

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2015, 02:52:31 PM »
My brothers are the GCs.  Recently they told me that they know I have been the SG (they actually used that word) and shut out by my sister and mother over the years.  They have never participated in any bad behavior towards me whatsoever.  In fact, this latest round of bad behavior by my sis and mother has brought out the protector in both of them and my dad.   
To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize - Voltaire

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sunkitten

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2015, 01:55:17 AM »
My late father was uNPD/ASPD, mom was an enabler who at the very least had a ton of fleas, and my late brother was the GC from birth.

My brother was definitely aware I was being abused, and when we were kids he'd lie to my parents (either blaming me for something he'd actually done, or claiming I'd hurt him when I'd been nowhere near him) in order to watch me get abused. Combined with my father going on about how "wonderful" my brother was, it resulted in us not having much to do with one another until about six months before my brother's death. My brother was allowed to get away with a lot, and he participated in the abuse knowing there would be no consequences for him.

The only time I know of that my brother said anything about the abuse was when my mother told me he'd called my father a "pervert" (my father's sexual abuse of me was the only thing my brother did not participate in, because it sickened him).
My story (multi-post) starts at:
http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=23025.msg215488#msg215488

Deceased uNPD/ASPD father; deceased en(N?) mother; deceased GC brother; N step-cousin

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BroughtMyUmbrella

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2015, 01:57:10 PM »
My GC brother was aware of the family dynamics from birth. When he was small, he would pinch me and then cry that I punched him because he knew that I'd be punished for it. He participated in the abuse until he was about 5 or 6, and then, mysteriously and quite suddenly, he stopped. He never called probably-PD mom out for the abuse, nor did he ever try to physically restrain her, but if he saw mom winding up for a tirade, he'd distract her until I'd managed to get away. Once, when mom was really on a roll, he went outside, got on the lawnmower, and carved something rude into the backyard.

To this day, I have no idea how DB learned right from wrong. PDsis never did. He was popular in school, so my best theory is that he picked it up from his friends' families.

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Lacrimosa

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2015, 01:51:14 AM »
I have one sister (3 years younger) and I was the GC growing up. Sister was the SG and I did, unknowingly, abuse her and deride her because that's what our uBPmom expected. I moved two states away at 19 and we had a pretty abrupt role reversal. I became the black sheep/SG and she became the GC. She and uBPmom are incredibly enmeshed. My sister married and had children at a young age and gave up all friendships outside of family because she is "too busy". She and her husband finally bought a business with my parents about 4 or 5 years ago. My sister and mother now work together every day in addition to spending much of their social time with each other. My sister abuses and derides my mother constantly, (uBPmom has created her own little victimization machine), and she also rages at me whenever she gets the chance to. In my mind, the abuse from my sister is almost worse than the abuse from our mom. My sister should know better or at least have some compassion for me. She's been there. But I think she still has a lot of anger toward me for how she was treated as a child. I have a lot of guilt around that and have made attempts to apologize, but sis can't hear it and I don't know if she ever will. The PD parent is masterful at manipulating their children and pitting them against each other.

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KittyKat

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2015, 03:48:51 AM »
My GC brother knew. I used to cry and plead to him about the abuse from 3 members of my family, he has never done anything to protect me in any way. He has used things that I've told him against me, and he was the only one who could have stopped it, because he was god, in everyone's eyes, except my dad's.

My dad protected me, when he could, but died when I was 19. When he died, I was just thrown to the wolves for the better part of the next 30+ years. My NGCB would never do anything to ruffle the feathers of his Godlike status. It wouldn't matter what level of abuse I was suffering. 

I've been VLC with all of them for going on two years now.

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Sarah6

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #6 on: August 01, 2015, 08:17:08 PM »
My GC sibling most definitely knows she is apart of something., except in her she cant see it as abuse, she sees it as defense and a way of deflecting her problems onto me the SC. She has gotten so accustomed to thinking just like my NM , I dont think she knows how to think for herself anymore.   Its like she enjoys the drama she creates with her. Their is such hatred I pick up from them.  They dont have much of a conscious because they support each other in the direction they want to go in,they convince each other they are right in everything, this is where they find their security,  not the direction that is the right thing to do.

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PDinStereo

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2015, 10:34:42 PM »
Recently I came across a book called "The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling" and finally acquired a clue as to how my sister understands the family dynamic. Now that I understand that her identity as "The Normal One" is premised on needing me to be "The Damaged One," her behavior looks less like enabling and more like abuse.

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Smiley

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #8 on: August 18, 2015, 01:31:05 PM »
I believe that GC siblings in dysfunctional families are aware of the abuse projected on to the scapegoat, even though they may not understand the dynamics involved. They are, after all, colluding in the abuse and, as such, are co-abusers.  They will have no idea of the pain and suffering that is inflicted on the SG  as like their parents they will be cut off from their feelings and will lack empathy.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2015, 01:33:56 PM by Smiley »

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brownies

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #9 on: August 18, 2015, 02:49:23 PM »
There is a family dynamic, a dysfunction, when the parents choose a SG. Once you have a SG in the family, everyone else is treated as though they are a GC or lost child.
The parents set the sick dynamic and model it for the children. The general dysfunction is that it is OKAY to say mean things to the SG, and to treat the SG badly. The children see this example and then they do the same thing and they know it is acceptable because mom and dad do it too. When they do it, they are not corrected, it is considered acceptable behavior.

Okay so now these children are adults. The GC children continue the dysfunctions throughout adulthood (unless they become enlightened).
My GC N sis, still makes emotionally devastating jokes to me about me concerning painful things, then tells me I'm too sensitive and it was only a joke.
My GC bro, hearing my distress about something, immediately blames me for why other people treated me badly, that I must have brought it on myself. (victim blaming)

These patterns from childhood are deeply rooted. Neither GC siblings would never say these things to their friends (or they wouldn't have any friends) or to other siblings or my parents. It is only acceptable to do these things to me, the SG. (this is reason enough to keep your own children away from this example of behavior)

We don't have contact anymore. When we would get together as a family, they almost became giddy in the joking and victim blaming. While I was hurt, they laughed it up. There is a certain 'special permission' given by the parents to recreate each person's role within the family. Ahhh the good times (not).

These were my fleas too and I worked really hard to be much more aware of my 'joking', and I apologized if I slipped up and possibly hurt anyone's feelings. I didn't even wait for anyone to feel hurt, I don't know if they (kids) had hurt feelings but I still apologized because I might have hurt their feelings.

When my kids or anyone complains that they were treated badly by others, I listen. More often than not, they did nothing to bring on abuse to themselves. I rarely even have to ask how they might have contributed to the abusive situation, they will self-reflect on their own and cop to their own contributions to it.

N's cop to nothing. N's don't apologize, acknowledge their own behavior, change. N's feign ignorance/innocence. N's don't care about your feelings if you are the SG. The GC's are entitled, and sometimes become N's. Sometimes the GC's just have some bad fleas.

The same dynamic of SG and GC's applies to the previously mentioned "normal one" and "damaged one", it's a bad dysfunction that goes from one generation to the next, unless it is acknowledged and corrected. (corrected--one way is to use boundaries)

This is my view, not based on any psychology course or lessons in school, this is what I see in my family, through the generations.
I'm really impressed by those of you that have siblings that HAVEN'T participated in the abuse of the SG, you can be so grateful for that. That is just awesome. :hug:
If you like fireworks, just say "NO".

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looloo

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #10 on: August 18, 2015, 03:47:46 PM »
Recently I came across a book called "The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling" and finally acquired a clue as to how my sister understands the family dynamic. Now that I understand that her identity as "The Normal One" is premised on needing me to be "The Damaged One," her behavior looks less like enabling and more like abuse.

PDinStereo -- I'm going to look for this book.  My brother was/is definitely difficult and damaged, but calling him the GC doesn't seem quite accurate.  My parents were disappointed in us both, for different reasons.  I was less "difficult and damaged" than he was, so I grew into the dutiful, obligated child (I'm the daughter too, so that probably had a lot to do with it).  I think I might appear to be the GC when compared to him (criminal record, drug offenses, jail time, recovering alcoholic), but I feel more like the SG.  Sure, my parents never had anything good to say about him, but they bailed him out all the time.  I never envied him since he had/has so much difficulty just coping day to day, but his being labeled as "the family f--k up" didn't exactly motivate him to do better.  I think he grew to be comfortable in that role, making bad decisions, being self destructive -- then crawling back with something resembling remorse, and my parents "giving him another chance" (i.e., paying his bills, giving him money).   

The cycle has not stopped.  Neither he nor my mother (father died almost 6 years ago) really wanted it to stop, I guess.  He'll be 49 in a few days.  From what I can gather (I don't have contact with him), he continues to "hobble" along through life.  It's sad, but I need to keep my distance from him, as well as from my mother. He isn't interested or capable of having an actual relationship.  He just wants handouts to carry him through his latest crisis, and has no concern for me at all -- he never did.  I don't have anger at him anymore for this, since I believe that he's had severe emotional problems since the age of 4, and someone really should have had his back.  He should have had serious qualified, capable professional intervention.  He has never been a deliberately malicious person, but he's also never had any need for anyone UNLESS they can provide him with something practical/material/monetary.  Otherwise, he has no use for personal relationships.  He is married, btw, to someone who is also very low-functioning (or at least, they were last time I heard--their marriage sounds very turbulent) and who might have cognitive impairments, but it's hard to tell.

He calls or visits my mother maybe 3 times a year, and she'll buy him a meal, give him money.  I know that when the time comes and my mother isn't around anymore, he'll make himself available to receive whatever proceeds he's entitled to, and that'll be that.  Which is fine....
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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PDinStereo

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #11 on: August 24, 2015, 06:56:26 PM »
looloo - Ever wonder whether your own ups and downs ever track to your brothers? I've noticed that I've had some previously inexplicable panic attacks/self-sabotaging periods that seem to be timed right after downturns in my sisters life...totally bizarre, but my therapist has gotten me to consider the idea that I felt that having a relationship with my sister and parents has been premised on not doing too much better than her. Again, totally bizarre, but the pattern is there. And man, does it take a lot of self-sabotaging when the annointed GC isn't as naturally set up for traditional "success." Really annoyed with myself for not seeing this dynamic earlier.

Can't say I'd recommend the book w/o some serious reservations - the author (the self-described "normal one") seems a bit N, frankly. But it was helpful in a painful, face-the-music, OMG this is how they see me kind of way.

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Ocliue

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #12 on: August 24, 2015, 07:24:07 PM »
Unless the GC never see the PD parent/s interact with the SGs - which is highly unlikely - of course they are fully aware of what's going on.

My sister, the GC, has become a full-on N in the process. My parents didn't alternate our statuses - I was the SG and she was the GC. So she was set on that course pretty much from Day 1, or thereabouts.

Ganging up on me with my parents was her way of bonding with them, or their way of bonding with her. She was most certainly aware of what they were doing. Because, every now and then when we were teens, their attacks on me became too much even for her to tolerate, and she would occasionally try to take my side.

My parents always reacted by making it clear to her that she would suffer the consequences if she persisted - usually the threat was something comparatively mild (not getting some expensive thing or other that she wanted), or mild going by what they did to me, probably pretty serious by her pampered standards. She reliably flipped at that early point.

If that was enough to make her flip, she must have been aware, even if she didn't want to be, of just exactly how bad their abuse of me was: I wasn't even allowed to breathe too loudly, just as a random example. And 'loud' wasn't an exact measure, it was whatever they felt like when I crossed their line of vision, including inaudible to human ears. I got screamed at incessantly, beaten up, locked in the basement, had to clean and cook. I didn't just not get what I wanted.

Anyway, she wasn't responsible as a child - not even for caving early on. But she's certainly responsible for being the way she is now, mid-30s and fully N and still enmeshed.

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Freedove

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #13 on: August 24, 2015, 07:57:14 PM »
NPD Survivor , I have just sent my golden child brother a text message telling him that he enabled my mothers behavior and that i am not the trouble causer she is. All my life shes labelled me as a trouble causer and i am nothing like what she says so i just use to laugh and say what ever but her mind game was to say i had upset her that i am a trouble causer and my gc brother would come and cuddle/ kiss her and tell  her how much he loved her and yet i was the one doing the donkey work. I was enlightened about the cycle and broke out of it, i heard he called me needy so in the message i told him that my mother was the needy one not me, shes a psychosomatic narc and uses all her aches and pains to manipulate and get admiration [attention] , he said i got the shifty end of the stick when i first wrote to him [ years before]and i was horrified to find out he knew about it because my mother use to say to me one day he will thank you for it. I was a child carer [caregiver] and she put me out and left him alone. Its hard to accept they knew about it and did nothing to help you because they where wrapped in cotton wool [untouchable] . He never wanted to know me because i found out he thought i was needy, i was his annoying sister. All i wanted was what was normal a family but he chose his friends instead of his family and all i craved was a family. so he knew what i wanted and he gave me nothing, that makes me feel emotionally ill but i am getting there and sticking to my truths. Great post NPD Survivor

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looloo

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Re: Enabling Narcissistic/ Gold Child Siblings
« Reply #14 on: August 25, 2015, 02:31:23 PM »
looloo - Ever wonder whether your own ups and downs ever track to your brothers? I've noticed that I've had some previously inexplicable panic attacks/self-sabotaging periods that seem to be timed right after downturns in my sisters life...totally bizarre, but my therapist has gotten me to consider the idea that I felt that having a relationship with my sister and parents has been premised on not doing too much better than her. Again, totally bizarre, but the pattern is there. And man, does it take a lot of self-sabotaging when the annointed GC isn't as naturally set up for traditional "success." Really annoyed with myself for not seeing this dynamic earlier.

I've never thought about it until you raised the question, PDinStereo -- my ups/downs in my teens and young adulthood did coincide with my brother's worst periods of acting out.  Everyday in my family, I saw how one got attention when one behaved badly, so I distinctly recall "deciding" to cause trouble sometimes.  NOTHING like my brother though, I was an underachiever even as a screw-up, lol.  Except when I stopped going to school the last few months of my senior year, but I remember that time as a kind of "breakdown."  I felt frozen and powerless, and had NO ONE to talk to, NO ONE was helping me--only yelling at me, ignoring me, or looking at me with disgust.  It's possible that I felt some sort of pressure to not overshadow my brother--I've never felt comfortable being overtly competitive, but I think that's due to sensing insecurity/jealousy from my mother.  Also, I felt badly for my brother -- he had such a difficult time.  No friends, except scumbags when he got into drugs.  Bullied from the moment he started school.  Smart and had potential, but he completely fell through the cracks in school.  I did feel pressure to "make up" for my brother's shortcomings -- but I was destined to fail.  I think there was a "chicken/egg" thing going on regarding my parents' deep disappointment in both my brother and me, or a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Not sure which came first--our screwing up, or my parents deciding from very early on that we were not the kids they envisioned having.  I do think that both of my parents had a script in their heads that they would be the perfect parents, cursed with disappointing children.  I also think my parents both regretted having kids very quickly after having them. 

You can stop reading here, if you like!  I just felt the need to continue my stream of consciousness...  :)

Anyway, I have never felt a kinship, a bond, with my brother.  We did get along and play together when we were very young, but probably around kindergarten, it stopped.  His problems got worse, his behavior got angrier and more violent, he started using drugs -- he became a very frightening presence.  I didn't see him at all during my 20's.  He did come to my wedding when I was 29, and then I saw him maybe once or twice over the next 10 years.  We have had NO kind of relationship, and this continues to this day.  I used to feel badly about it, but since I've come OOTF, I've decided that it's for the best.

I once tried to describe my rather bizarre family situation to my T, and she commented that it must have been "lonely" for me.  I never thought of it that way growing up, but now I realize that yes, it's lonely.  My brother never had any curiosity, concern, any idea at all about who I was, what my life was like, what I was going through.  He was never a "mean" person like my mother (drug/alcohol period excepted), but if it wasn't happening to him, he was completely oblivious.
« Last Edit: August 25, 2015, 02:39:14 PM by looloo »
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh