silent treatment by brother

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myworldisgood

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silent treatment by brother
« on: August 02, 2015, 02:57:49 PM »
I am NC with my parents since august 2014....my brother who is not understanding my reasons went NC with me without explaining. my sister understands fully.  I explained to him in a letter of 6 pages that NM and enDad did hurt me a lot, especially in my period when I had to face the loss of my baby daughter in 2011. during my trauma she caused a new one! maybe it was too much of JADEing?)
 
last year PD mom triggered and so I had to cut the phone call I was pregnant and she shouted at me, just because I set a boundary. my belly became really hard with light contractions and so I hang off in order to protect myself.

my question now: my brother sent only a bday text saying Happy Bday. that's it.  even I tried to call him last year etc.... he does not give any sign. he also cut contact with our sister because she understands me. I did send him pictures of his niece, again no reaction. I think that he supports PD mom, and this silent treatment happens in order to get me back on the track. what should I do? just letting it go?

I did introduced myself here some weeks ago, just for anyone who has intrest. of course I do carry fleas of narcissm but tend to be rather a co-narcisst, I only suspect it.

if anybody has any suggestion to make, I would be very thankful as my thoughts around this topic do make me crazy. and I find it unfair that PD mom is playing the victim now. she tried to force my sister to stop contact with me until nervous break down. I feel helpless.

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GarbageChild

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2015, 09:32:20 PM »
He is sending you many signals that he supports PDmom.  Keep a low profile and wait for him to make the next move... if ever.

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Bloomie

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2015, 11:17:17 AM »
myworldisgood - I went back and read your intro post and see you have been through a lot with your FOO. I am glad you are here and want to welcome you. I heard something the other day that has helped me in situations where a PD family member is giving me ST and I have no idea why. I heard that pursuing someone who withdraws is protecting them and allowing or validating poor treatment of us. It seems you have gone above and beyond to help your brother understand your decision regarding your parents - although you absolutely did not have to do that. If your brother felt uncomfortable, or didn't want to be put in the middle he could've simply told you that. Cutting you off, not acknowledging your new little one (congrats by the way), indicates something more than that and if he chooses not to explain, or connect with you, it may be time to drop the rope and respect his unspoken wishes and stop pursuing him.

I know that it is painful to be discarded like this. I am so sorry this is happening. When we go NC with a parent or family member there is always collateral damage and other relationships are often fractured and the family divides. This is why it is such a difficult decision and action to make, yet at times we truly have no other option and must protect ourselves and our FOC. So very hard!
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

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bunnie

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2015, 10:59:21 PM »
myworldisgood,

I, too, think you should not reach out to him anymore.  As hard as that may be.  And I know it's hard b/c I'm going through the same thing with my pd sis. I had a friend tell me that the rejection (of my efforts to work things out) was starting to break me down.  I've stopped trying to have a normal relationship with my sister.  It only took me 4 months...lol

I'm sorry you lost your daughter.  And I'm excited for you and your new baby!  So precious. 
To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize - Voltaire

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Cuthberta

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2015, 08:11:38 PM »
I agree with what has already been written. Congratulations on the new baby, and look to the future with your daughter. If your family don't want contact then that is their loss. You have done your best; now enjoy these very special days.

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myworldisgood

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2015, 07:46:23 AM »
thanks to all of you and I need to agree with you all. I did everything to inform or to explain. and the more I think about the more it comes to my mind that my brother's behaviour could be considered as abuse. it is hard to admit. it eats me because I did only try to protect myself from further abuse through PDmom. I  am aware that this is typical for dysfunctional families. before I went NC I did warn my parents that I am going to stop contact when they will harm me, especially during pregnancy. overloading me with their marriage and with her religious fanatism.

it is damn painful and I have difficulties sleeping well as I realise my family is shrinking. my appetite is low. I will not contact him anymore, no birthday card no nothing. nobody will bring me into line with that emotional blackmailing. I know that they talk bad about me.

when my brother tried to explain that PDmom feels sorry
 for her behaviour I only wondered why she is not able to tell me. now I know.

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GarbageChild

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #6 on: August 07, 2015, 09:10:40 PM »
Their ostentatious lack of enthusiasm for the milestones in your life will always hurt.  Marriages, births, hospitalizations, funerals, birthdays... narcs are always around to make a big production of ignoring you or punishing you when you're up, and kicking you when you're down.

The question becomes, what hurts more?  The fragmentation of your former FOO, or having to interact with them?  I always remind myself that whatever discomfort NC brings, it's better than having contact by miles.

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Smiley

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #7 on: August 10, 2015, 10:05:06 AM »
Re: silent treatment by brother

I have been NC with my two sisters (golden children  both), I am the middle was the family scapegoat.  I always knew deep down  that I was the family scapegoat  but could only find validation about 10 years ago when I purchased my first computer and started using the internet. I sent them both  a copy of an article about dysfunctional families,  scapegoating and favouritism in the family. They both ignored me and I have never heard from them again. I have also gone NC with cousins whom they are in contact with as I know they  gossip maliciously behind my back. Going NC is very difficult and a very lonely experience especially in the beginning but it does get easier and you will in time  fill your void with other healthier and more positive relationships. Being ignored by your brother is cruel and you are better off without a dysfunctional family, and that's especially important now that you have a young child,  to protect her from a toxic environment and toxic relationships. 
« Last Edit: August 10, 2015, 10:25:09 AM by Smiley »

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Salsera

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #8 on: August 10, 2015, 03:59:43 PM »
Their ostentatious lack of enthusiasm for the milestones in your life will always hurt.  Marriages, births, hospitalizations, funerals, birthdays... narcs are always around to make a big production of ignoring you or punishing you when you're up, and kicking you when you're down.

The question becomes, what hurts more?  The fragmentation of your former FOO, or having to interact with them?  I always remind myself that whatever discomfort NC brings, it's better than having contact by miles.

 :yeahthat:

myworldisgood, the wisdom I continue to read on this site has been so incredibly helpful to me. I hope that you benefit from it, as well.

Your history is heartbreaking. I did not go NC with NM and FOO until 2 1/2 years ago, when I was 51. In this time I have been remembering events that I now know were incredibly abusive, and a normal person would have seen it right away. But we have been conditioned to endure the abuse. When we come OOTF, we see things more clearly. I have so very many memories of horrific events from my lifetime, and all I can say is that I am so glad that I woke up and escaped, though at 51. Better late than never.

Take care of yourself. They don't consider you first, and you must keep yourself safe.
"Faith is taking the first step even when you donít see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

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myworldisgood

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #9 on: August 10, 2015, 08:28:46 PM »
I just want to thank you all!!! HERE, I feel so much respected. my words do count. I do count. my eyes are now filled with tears.

I definitely lost the feeling for my NM, regarding my brother I need to get through somehow.
I am so thankful to read even it is painful regarding my brother. I have to admit that he is not coping with life so well and until now, with 38 years getting financial help from parents as he had missed a proper education. never did he make it alone. he is depending on them.

I have to admit that some years ago I was a high achiever but I changed myself.

during my trauma therapy I learned that I am coming from a high dysfunctional family and was advised at least to have a break....I find that NC is my only way to heal. Now since I am NC I have space and time to grief for my loss.

sometimes I do need to cry as I realise that they did not love me. when I was the consultant, the care giver for emotional needs I was OK for them. as I progressed in life and concentrated on family building everything started to be worse.

could anyone of you find it normal that NM pulling out her breast in front of my son (3) asking him if he wants to be breastfeeded? and enDad was around and found it only funny? later, telling it to brother: he as well did not find it weird. 
I realise that I am a threat to NM and to brother.

greetings,
myworldisgood



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Salsera

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #10 on: August 10, 2015, 08:38:09 PM »
I just want to thank you all!!! HERE, I feel so much respected. my words do count. I do count. my eyes are now filled with tears.

I definitely lost the feeling for my NM, regarding my brother I need to get through somehow.
I am so thankful to read even it is painful regarding my brother. I have to admit that he is not coping with life so well and until now, with 38 years getting financial help from parents as he had missed a proper education. never did he make it alone. he is depending on them.

I have to admit that some years ago I was a high achiever but I changed myself.

during my trauma therapy I learned that I am coming from a high dysfunctional family and was advised at least to have a break....I find that NC is my only way to heal. Now since I am NC I have space and time to grief for my loss.

sometimes I do need to cry as I realise that they did not love me. when I was the consultant, the care giver for emotional needs I was OK for them. as I progressed in life and concentrated on family building everything started to be worse.

could anyone of you find it normal that NM pulling out her breast in front of my son (3) asking him if he wants to be breastfeeded? and enDad was around and found it only funny? later, telling it to brother: he as well did not find it weird. 
I realise that I am a threat to NM and to brother.

greetings,
myworldisgood

That is beyond weird. That is sick.

If they didn't love you, then you must love yourself.
"Faith is taking the first step even when you donít see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

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myworldisgood

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #11 on: August 10, 2015, 08:51:53 PM »
salsera, as I am Out of the FOG I definitely find above described situation weird. for me a puzzle is getting completed...NM used to tell me that if people see her, me and my son, they will of course think my son is her son and I am only someone...sure :stars:! I was pregnant while she was telling me this s....so I told her that if people looked at my belly they will of course think she is the one who is pregnant.

this forum helps a lot, a lot, a lot!!!

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Smiley

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #12 on: August 12, 2015, 01:26:33 AM »
Your mother's comments regarding your son are pretty sick and abusive, not only towards you but also towards your son. Your enDad is colluding with her and if your brother wasn't disgusted thats because the family is so dysfunctional, there are no boundaries and no respect towards the members of the family or if you were the one singled out for abuse in your family and were scapegoated  then you need to get away from that sick and dysfunctional family.  She clearly has no respect for you or your son, neither does the rest of your family if they treat you as an object of derision. She is most likely jealous and finds your new status  threatening. 

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myworldisgood

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #13 on: August 12, 2015, 06:07:53 AM »
smiley, thank you for your comment. yes, now I consider it as abuse. at that thime I did not, I was only feeling weird, I was not able to name things. in the end the silent treatment by my brother is only a further hint of a dysfunctional family. I bet that they think I get back with their strategic move.

another brother who is older than me and living abroad called me. it was strange as he rarely contact me. maybe 5 years without any contact. he started the phone call reproaching me for not contacting him and not showing any interest (but it was me who travelled to him and lending money etc.)...so he called me, just 1 hour after I sent a bday textmessage to PD mom. at that time I was already NC but fell back for bday as she texted me fir my bday! :wacko:

I was surprised about his attack and I had the feeling that his loudspeaker must be switched on....and yes, indeed. PDmom was abroad and around. so it was a plan to contact me. when I was about to defend...he just cut the line.

she is creating a war and she has soldiers. but I will not participate. PDmom cannot simply call me and ask about clearing up the situation or apologize. she needs to involve others.

when I escaped from home, only being 17 years because I wanted to concentrate to finish school without cleaning the house and taking care of my siblings, she excluded me from the health assurance. here in the country where I live, you must know that until 25 years and when you are still in school you stay in the family health assurance system automatically. you need to sign if you want to change. here again, she wanted to create a kind of war.

so the silent treatment of my brother is a further symptom of her war.



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Smiley

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #14 on: August 12, 2015, 06:57:53 AM »
Myworld, it sounds like there is a SMEAR CAMPAIGN going on behind your back by members of your family most likely initiated by your PDN mom. As soon as you show some independence and try to move away from them, they will try to get you back but only on their terms. Its called HOOVERING and its done by toxic families.

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myworldisgood

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Re: silent treatment by brother
« Reply #15 on: August 25, 2015, 01:21:20 PM »
after reading that it could be a smear campaign I needed to retreat, I needed to rethink...it is a smear campaign.

as PDmom was harassing and forced my sister to stop contact I found a solution: my sister should lie and should tell them that she is between LC and NC full point. so that she finds peace somehow. PDmom will be very happy to hear I guess.

my sister suffers a lot and of course it is her decision. she tried nearly one year to explain them that she does not want to be involved...it did not work.
in some weeks my sister starts a therapy anyway....and she will make her way through.

I got to know that my brother really believes that as the youngest my sister should have no opinion and follow the older ones and just treat me silent.

I have worked through my anger about this silent treatment by brother and found out that I am not willed to be in contact with such toxic folks. that his silent treatment is a matter of punishment and my NC was out of protection.

thank you to all!