Ive been suffering from anxiety attacks

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Sarah6

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Ive been suffering from anxiety attacks
« on: August 09, 2015, 05:46:22 PM »
             Does anyone else have this problem now and then.
                                     I just went through a really shocking time about a week and a half ago.  My Nmother and sister called the police on my brother and tried to make him leave,  just over a disagreement. It turned out the tables turned on them since I am technically a tenant here I was able to call the shots. I asked them to leave. I knew that even though I had nothing to do with the incident with them and my brother, I would somehow end up getting the wrath for this.
                                    I have to say I feel absolutely shot emotionally from all this. I went to family therapy with them and was able to work out a deal where I can 3 days to myself a week, meaning privacy, rights I know I have now.  This was good, but before this my mother came over here, she snuck over here trying to get in and this ended in a horrible fight over the phone.   She didnt want to give me the three days!! She's sick.  I got furious and the conversation ended with her threatening to evict me.  Now,  I know I dont need to take this too seriously anymore.  Its just the fact that she said it.
                                       Now with my days settled, its taking a while for me to calm down.  Im getting anxiety attacks. Its awful.     

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Sarah6

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Re: Ive been suffering from anxiety attacks
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2015, 05:55:01 PM »
  Also,   I need to express this.  I dont know if this is just the way my brain works under stress,  but Ive fallen in love with a person on line!!!!  What??    Why have I fallen in love?, not now?  I havent met this person in person,  but we have been talking a bit through chat.  I love everything about him!  OK,    red flag, alarm bells!!!! which is causing me to feel even more anxious.  Shall I just shoot myself?   I'm kidding... It seems to me that in my mind this must be some kind of escape mechanism.  I cant change how I feel,  but I can change how I "think" about how I feel.   I need to be kind to myself but at the same time getting involved with someone, let's say I decided to, I could,     might not be the best thing at this point in my evolution,  or decent  from emotional abuse.    Any thoughts on this would be great.       

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arianna

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Re: Ive been suffering from anxiety attacks
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2015, 07:16:04 PM »
It's awful to be mistreated by your mother and the stress is huge. You need comfort because we all do and you're looking for it anywhere you can because you are a survivor and you want to help yourself.  Look for other ways to do it but don't judge yourself harshly for latching on to another human being.  In a way that's what I do here. It's better for me than having a real person with me because I can't handle it right now.  I think it's normal and natural and a sign of self preservation instincts but on the other hand it can be dangerous.  I would leave it as one of those things we do , like when I ate that quesadilla last week that made me sick, but it was delicious.  But I stopped before things got out of hand.

If you feel out of control the first step I think is to forgive yourself.

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Sarah6

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Re: Ive been suffering from anxiety attacks
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2015, 02:43:41 AM »
 Im trying to find the source of my anxiety and some how this is related. I had this realization today that number one, I dont give myself enough credit for who I am, where I have been, and what I have done.  Ever since I moved here the sense of self I had before I left has gone under ground and unseen by me if you know what I mean, to the point where all these insecurities have come out in me. I had a real sense of healthy self importance. Guess what, Im surrounded by two family members who dont and quite frankly Im not sure they ever did.There is a sense of jealously going on around here.  If you accede past a person's comfort zone with in themselves in my family,  you get stripped of who you are through manipulative tactics.  By accede, I mean have something they dont have for themselves. If you reach a certain kind status with certain people above their reach, you are now their target.  I didnt see it before.  I was so blind.  I have to end this now because I dont trust this will post through.

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Sarah6

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Re: Ive been suffering from anxiety attacks
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2015, 03:16:37 AM »
       I need to say more.   I had a horse here waiting for me. My Aunt bought her for me with the condition that I come here to live and take care of the farm. She told me this place would equally belong to me as well as my sister. Before I moved here I continously called my mom and reported on my packing progress and asked her several times about this horse. I say,  is she all right?  Is she still mine.  And the answer I got each time was:  "Of course shes yours."  Then I get a video tape from my sister showing her eating in the field. I was so happy and so charmed by it,   But one thing.    Prior to my moving I took a trip to England to meet up with this beautiful man, who not only was my lover but a very good friend. Right after I did this ,my sister stopped talking to me, wouldnt even wish me well, or to say have a good time,It really hurt me because I had never been to Europe before so this was pretty big deal to me. I came to learn later she was mad at me, because how dare I go off on this trip when she and my mother were so miserable taking care of my sick Aunt at the time. I guess I didnt get there fast enough for them. Half the reason I was moving was to help them! It just took me  along time.
                                     Well,  one month before I was ready to move. I had all the plans in place, , moving van people, etc.It took me all summer to pack up boxes. I did it alone. I call my mom up, ask her the same question again about this horse, out of habit and expectation that of of course she would say, she's fine, she's waiting for you. Instead she said with one of the coldest no shallant ways, in like she was talking about the weather!   "Oh,  We sold her"  and me in shock could only say "What??!!!"  Oh we needed the money was the first excuse, the second one was , oh that horse scares my sister!  She couldnt wait a month for me to get there??? This was not an ordinary horse. It was pure bred Oldenburg. I ride Dressage. They knew I had my heart set on this horse. I could not believe it!  Is this evil?  because Ive wondered.  But this is what I mean by this jealously thing and me connecting dots.  My mother would say, Oh we will buy her back, I promise..... They never did.  I knew they wouldnt,  So I bought her back with some of my retirement money, didnt tell them too much of anything until one day this pretty pearl of a horse just like magic showed up in our field.  This was my way of showing my sister that she had NO Power!!! to take something like this away from me again.    I really dont know for sure,  but it really appeared to me this was done out of spite . I just cant imagine being so bitter and ugly inside to do something like this and not even say anything to me before they did, knowing full well I'd be upset.  It was cruel and just goes to show how Narcissitic sick both of them have become in the last couple of years. I never imagined that ever!!! my sister would do something like this to me,  but she did.    After this its just been one shock with her after another.  Im holding my own though, all right. My therapists is teaching me boundaries and it's getting done.
                      Its just now Im starting to realize how being around them has impacted my self concept and confidence and now that I know why I feel this way ,Im ready to get to the bottom of my anxiety to be stronger and ready to bounce their toxic shit off me like a tether ball off its string. 
« Last Edit: August 11, 2015, 03:42:17 AM by shawn »

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Isadore

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Re: Ive been suffering from anxiety attacks
« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2015, 07:46:18 PM »
Hi Shawn.  Hope you're feeling better.  Anxiety attacks are terrible, no lie.  Keep learning and consider therapy/medication if you continue having anxiety attacks.  You're on the right track.  Best wishes to you. 

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bunnie

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Re: Ive been suffering from anxiety attacks
« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2015, 09:51:56 PM »
I too have horrible anxiety attacks.  When I'm in full mode, I wish I were dead.  They are awful.  A doctor told me once to tell myself it will be over within 30 minutes.  Sometimes that helps.  Sometimes not because I know another is waiting in the wings...

It is awful.  It does help me to know that others suffer from them as well.  So I hope that helps you too until you're cured.  When you are come back and let me know what you did to fix it...lol
To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize - Voltaire