23 years with PD wife

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InTheDark

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23 years with PD wife
« on: August 11, 2015, 06:54:55 PM »
I'm 65.  My wife, 70.  No children.  Dated for six months.  I wasn't as worldly as I'd imagined.  I didn't recognize alcoholism nor did I comprehend her volatile moods.  Other people told me to run away from her but I was thinking below the waist.   I then moved into her condo.  I was between jobs and she was going overseas with her niece for a long planned trip, so she asked me to cat sit.  Never left.  That was the beginning of my descent into her alternate reality.
 
Despite everything, including her ambivalence about sex, we married in 1995, but not before I signed a prenup, which I didn't get vetted by an attorney.  Truly a fool in love.   And as bad as the bad times were, it got worse after my bipolar illness worsened, forcing me to leave a job I loved and go into another line of work, part time, that was less stressful.  She always earned much more than me, working for the US government.  Her abuse verbal and emotional abuse became worse and still I STAYED!  Went on Social Security Disability in 2011 and my physical, as well as mental health have been in decline.


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Bloomie

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Re: 23 years with PD wife
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2015, 01:18:43 AM »
Welcome to OOTF! You sound like you are dealing with so much in your marriage and with your own heath issues. I am so sorry you are experiencing verbal and emotional abuse. No one deserves to be treated this way. Do you have face to face support from close friends or trusted family, possibly a therapist you can work with to find ways to handle the abusive behavior in a way that protects you?

There is a great deal of helpful tools and help in the tabs and links at the top,of the forum. Connecting with others in similar circumstances can be a great help and support I am glad you have made your way here.
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

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InTheDark

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Re: 23 years with PD wife
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2015, 11:56:02 AM »
Thank you, Bloomie.  Yes, I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist.  Have cousins in Florida who know the story, as well as an old friend in a dysfunctional marriage, though not as bad as mine.   My wife and I have also been in couples therapy with him and will be returning to it, though she's already falling apart, fearing that the marriage is about to end. 

My wife was nine when her mother died and her life blew up in her face.  Sadly, as an adult, she never dealt with her loss and what followed, so she's remained, in some ways, that nine year old and I'm forever dealing with that child instead of the adult.  She also comes out of a severely dysfunctional family, rife with alcoholism, drug abuse, mood and personality disorders, suicide attempts and suicides.  She has no desire to go for individual therapy through her health care provider but as I stated, she's so fearful of the marriage ending.  Basically, I've been doing all the heavy lifting, emotionally, and she, now and then, makes a token effort, mostly to keep me from leaving.  I'm beyond exhausted, if that's possible, having to manage my life with severe untreatable bipolar and trying to maintain a marriage with an emotionally damaged/PD wife.  But the worst of it is, is that I've stayed, which means I'm emotionally damaged, too, and have been since I was a young man.  I'm learning, now, what I should have learned when I was that young man.  That hurts, too.

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linmay

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Re: 23 years with PD wife
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2015, 04:30:05 PM »
Markinthedark, I really feel for you. My situation is different to yours, but like you I stayed too (npd son) until my mental health gave out, I went into t, and am nc now. I feel I stayed too long, was damaged more as a result, and I am not young anymore. I so wish I had known all about pd's when I was younger. My mom was unpd also. Stay strong, glad you are in t, big hug.