Passive aggressive husband

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Stella62

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Passive aggressive husband
« on: August 13, 2015, 07:04:55 AM »
Hello everyone,
I'm new ,I was browsing the web after another "stab" this morning as I call my husband's behaviours now. And I have found this forum .
I'm defeated ,I have given up a few months ago .
We have been together for 15 years now, no children ,he can't have children,it doesn't matter I said : I loved him and I wanted to be with him with or without children
I thought I would be able to love him for ever and I have tried but every time I'm nice to him his attitude just breaks me even more.
It doesn't matter what I do for him ,whatever I do any act of kindness is  received with rudeness  or he gives me a cold shoulder or ignores me or he starts making fun of   me like I'm a poor stupid thing ,this is  his favourite hobby. He has no hobbies, no friends ,he never goes out, he works from home while I'm the one who have friends and go out and have hobbies mainly not to stay at home with him and be the target of his tantrums.
If we have friends around ,they are my friends and he always criticise  them, he has no contact with his family and he managed to argue with my family and tried to make me cut all the bridges with  my family and friends but he didn't manage .
If a girlfriend is around or a neighbour he gets very flirtatious with them at the point that is very embarrassing for me and for the other woman.I  told him that his behaviour is disrespectful and more than once women thought  he wanted an affair and then he wondered why they got the wrong idea!!!!!!
We have been to a marriage counsellor for a while then he refused to carry on so I carried on for my self and even if the therapist made it clear that it shouldn't be me to go and see her I can't stop because I need someone who tells me that I'm not crazy, bad, silly, stupid and all the other things that my husband keeps telling me to make me feel worthless.
Colleagues, friends who don't know my story ( only a couple of friends know what I'm going thorough) keep telling me that I'm a solar ,bubbling ,person and that I'm pretty and funny and all these compliments always drive me to tears because I would like my husband to tell me this but he never does.
I work part time and sometimes I would like to find a full time job to be able to leave him.
He is a control freak ,he wants to know what I'm doing ,where I'm going, what I'm typing on my computer, what I receive by post ,he doesn't want me to talk ,he doesn't want me to read before sleeping, he doesn't want me to fall asleep when we watch TV even if he decides what to watch. He doesn't want me to chat to my family and friends on my phone ,and the list carries on and when I do these things that he doesn't' want to then he doesn't speak to me or ignores me for days .He has been described as a "passive aggressive" by the therapist and everybody tells me to leave and run away from a man who not only doesn't love me but who is aggressive and sometimes violent. He treats me like a sex object and when I refuse to have sex because he hurts me and because I can feel he doesn't love me ,he doesn't speak to me for MONTHS and for months he treats me so badly I spend days  crying .
In all of this I'm furious with my self for not being able to stand up and run away so fast that he can't see me.
I now can honestly say I don't love him anymore. I used to love him so much ,he sucked all my love ,all my energy and now I'm drained . I often describe him as a  vampire of feelings and good energy, he sucked all my good energy and now I'm empty . I had a few men in the past who asked me to go out and to date them and I have men now who would like to have a serious relationship with me but that is not the solution and I'm so scared and scared by this relationship with my husband that I'm TERRIFFIED every time a man fancies me and I run away .Sorry for reading this,it's not exactly a cheerful topic I'm afraid.Thanks for reading .

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Tj1990

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Re: Passive aggressive husband
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2015, 08:59:43 AM »
Welcome,  Stella62!  I'm pretty new here, as well, and have found much useful information and support.  I'm sorry that you are going through this.  Having a very PA husband myself, I must say that it sounds as if your H may use some PA behavior, but sounds more outright aggressive than my H.  I have found the toolbox on this site very helpful, particularly boundaries.   Also medium chill.  Once I stopped giving a reaction to my H's PA tactics, I felt better.  He has acted worse to begin with, but some of his tactics have lessened.   Maybe this will work for you, as well. 

If you would love to have a full time job, get one!  Take care of you.  Keep posting,  we are here.  Hugs to you!

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Bloomie

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Re: Passive aggressive husband
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2015, 12:01:08 PM »
Hello and welcome to OOTF! Your sadness and heartbreak are evident as you share about the difficulties you are having with your partner's behaviors. I am so sorry things are so hard. Living with such dominance and invalidation would be enough to neutralize the happiest of spirits and set anyone adrift. I am so thankful you are continuing with therapy as you deal with all of these things.

The toolbox has so many helpful tactics for responding in a self protective and healthy manner to the Passive Aggressive behaviors you are experiencing from your partner. The traits tab at the top of the forum is a place where you will find tried and true do and don't for each trait that I find really empowering. There are links to further info, book reviews, all kinds of great resources gathered for you.

I have found connecting with others who are in similar circumstances to be such a comfort and seeing how they handle particular experiences a great help. Joining the conversations here can really help you and give you support alongside the face to face support you have in therapy and with close friends.

Your idea to get a full time job is a really good one as that gives you needed funds, and a place to be uniquely you without all of the control and PA behaviors hanging over your head. Bringing more stability to your life seems to be a really smart way to refocus your energies on things that bring you strength and hope for a better future.

Browse around the site, read the posts here, and when you are ready, join in the conversations it really helps! Again, welcome!
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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Féefolle

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Re: Passive aggressive husband
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2015, 05:18:56 AM »
Hi Stella62,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.  Your husband sounds like an extreme version of mine.  Nothing pleases him.  He gets annoyed with me if I don't go to bed at the same time as him.  Sex used to be all about pleasing him (not that he didn't "try" to please me, but he never really cared about what I like, so it was always more of an obligation) and his idea of foreplay was grumbling some comment to his dissatisfaction with our frequency of intimacy.  I get the insults and belittling too.  Often it's presented in jest, and then I'm told I don't have a sense of humor.  Oh yeah, so funny.  Eventually you start to question - maybe I don't have a sense of humor.  Maybe it's no big deal.  Maybe he really is joking.  But when you never get a compliment, or any clear feedback from him that you are a useful, talented, intelligent, valuable person, you have nothing to weigh the jokes against.

I still have my strength.  I realized long ago that it's him and not me.  I have good friends.  I have hobbies.  I have an awesome kid.  And at the same time the negativity rubs off on me, and I start to feel like I'm turning into him.  Everyone annoys me.  I start getting super sensitive, feeling like a failure.  I snap at my child.  I have no motivation. 

I'm not sure if I'm ever going to leave.  I'm not ready yet at least.  But I think about it a lot.  And like you, I have no idea how I would ever be able to connect with another man.  If I leave this relationship it will be with serious trust issues (not because he hasn't been trustworthy in the most basic of ways, but because emotionally it is just one drama after another about the most mundane and unimportant things) and maybe some relationship PTSD.

Keep surrounding yourself with people who appreciate you.   They will help you to remind yourself how amazing you truly are.  We need to work hard to take care of ourselves, but it's so worth it.