Spoke too soon. Potentially PD sister threw a MASSIVE curveball at me. (Vent)

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Nightblack braids

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This is mostly a vent and it also has MAJOR suicide-triggers, so I'm just warning you guys.

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Things have been relatively cool with my potentially PD sister, but today she wrote on Facebook that she was planning on writing a fucking SUICIDE NOTE because of how bad she feels.

I found this out a couple hours afterward: First when she texted me and then asked if I'd gone on Facebook yet, and then when I myself logged onto Facebook and saw a message from one of her friends asking if she was all right because my sister was posting that she might be suicidal.

As things tend to go, I literally just saw her last night and she seemed fine. Hell, she invited me and another relative over to watch her class session last night, and it was cool.

So like most of her friends on FB, I panic and start asking if she's all right. I also call her just to make sure, and since she sounds like she's been crying, I called the police to check up on her because she lives in the next town over and I wasn't sure I could make it in time if she was actually in trouble.

And when she finds out from the police that me (and technically, our mother) called them to check on her, she gets mad and starts saying I should have gone somewhere that Mom wouldn't hear me, because now Mom--GASP--knows her situation! (She told me to not talk about her to Mom, which I was doing fairly well up till today, when she dropped a bomb on basically everyone she knows.) And then she said I should have called her to say the police were coming over.

What am I supposed to do when I'm freaking out about my potentially suicidal sister? "Oh, wait! I don't think Mom should hear this because I'm not supposed to talk about Sister with her, so I should go outside or into my room so she doesn't hear me!" Alternately, "Oh, wait! I should tell my sister that I called the police to check on her because she was talking about writing a suicide note!"

So yeah, she doesn't want me to talk to her right now even though what I did is PERFECTLY LOGICAL.

Her therapist had to go out of town for the past week, but she'll be coming back soon. I'm really hoping that she tells her therapist about this, because then her therapist will remind her that people miiiiiight call the police when you post on Facebook that you're suicidal, AND GETTING MAD AT YOUR SISTER FOR THIS SOUNDS KIND OF BITCHY. (The last part is wishful thinking for me, but yeah.)

What the hell did she expect would happen? That people would flood her with feel-good vibes and this would blow over in a week, but nobody would think of calling the police? And in the event that people call the police, why would we stop to call her and go "hey Sister, I called the police in case you're seriously feeling bad"?

I know she's been having a stressful time because of her job and paying bills, but that's why I'm fine with helping her and staying Medium-Chill. When she's not overwrought like this, she's pretty damn cool.

I just wish I could cut out these parts of her mind and have her act reasonably all the time, instead of just when she's happy. I don't know if she actually has a PD or not, but she handles stress like a little kid. Namely, by crying and yelling at everyone.

Mom said that Sister might not have realized this sort of thing has real consequences in real life, and I accept that. It just sucks having to deal with her tantrums that "YOU DIDN'T HELP ME IN THE RIGHT WAAAAAAAY!"
« Last Edit: August 13, 2015, 11:02:57 PM by Nightblack braids »

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brownies

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You did the right thing in talking about it (not keeping it a secret) and calling the police, good for you.

At some point, if she is pushed into always putting on a happy face and not talking about how she is really feeling (maybe suicidal), no one will be able to help her, and that would be really sad.

If it was just a 'poor me' manipulation, a call to the police is just the right thing too.

Better safe than sorry. I know it is a hard thing to do. :hug:
If you like fireworks, just say "NO".

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kayjewel

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 :yeahthat:

The "suicide threats in order to manipulate people and cause drama" thing is called emotional blackmail.

You can choose whether to play along with it or not. If you choose to play the game with her, you will get caught up in her drama, which includes the blow-back onto you.

I know she's been having a stressful time because of her job and paying bills, but that's why I'm fine with helping her and staying Medium-Chill.

I went and read some of your earlier posts, and it seems like you're really focussed on the "helping " thing. For instance:

Long story short: I'm not exactly protecting her, but I do feel that she has the right to be financially, physically, and emotionally secure, and I should help her if possible.

IMO, everyone has the right to seek financial, physical, and emotional security. But it is not everyone else's responsibility to make sure they get it. Part of growing up and living as an adult is learning how to take care of one's self. There is a point where helping (in a healthy way) tips over into enabling and co-dependency.

I mean this as an observation, not a criticism of you, but from what you've posted, you seem to be enmeshed with sister and perhaps overly involved in her life. Have you read anything about co-dependency? If not, here's a good place to start: http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Codependency.html

« Last Edit: August 13, 2015, 11:29:38 PM by kayjewel »
There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung

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Nightblack braids

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Luckily, the police have also told her to call her themselves if she feels like she needs emergency psych care in addition to her normal therapy, so there we go.

It wasn't like I intentionally walked in front of Mom and started going "HEY POLICE, MY SISTER WROTE ON FACEBOOK THAT SHE MIGHT BE SUICIDAL." I was talking at a normal volume and we live in an apartment, so it's hard not to hear other people talking if we don't close the doors.

I got blindsided when Sister texted me going "WHY DID YOU TELL MOM ABOUT ME?!?!?!" like I was intentionally going behind her back or something. But then I realized "Argh, she's homing in on a completely random detail again."

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Kayjewel: I don't think she intentionally causes drama. She just doesn't focus on things that MAKE SENSE to me. Whenever she was seriously depressed, she asked for therapy, and she didn't try to emotionally blackmail us. She's getting therapy now, which is a good thing. This is the first time she's given any kind of suicidal threat, and given her history of depression, that's why I called the police.

For sounding codependent: I talk to her a couple times a week and I really only see her in person a few times a month. My posts frequently involve the most infuriating 10% of our interactions, which I'm usually venting about, so this is most likely why I seem codependent.

Also, various family members have pointed out that I keep trying to reason with her and that obviously doesn't work. Another source of drama--this habit is about twenty years old and it just doesn't go down easily.

Edit: Sorry for the thirty-second editing, I keep making obsessive little tweaks. (Yes, I previewed. I'm just out of sorts right now.) Whoever's reading the latest post, I'm done fixing tiny words.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2015, 11:46:08 PM by Nightblack braids »

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movingforward2

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Do you think your sister was serious about the suicide note/attempt or was this for attention?

My sister overdosed on ibuprofen once and the doctor flat out told us that it wasn't a legit attempt, but a cry for attention. My sister was in therapy and I guess she wasn't getting enough attention so she did this.  On and off over the years she has told my mom that maybe she should just kill herself, but it was always for attention. 

I think calling the cops was the right thing to do.  What if it was a serious thing? 

Does your sister not talk to your mom?  Why doesn't she want your mom to know?  My sister was so angry when I called my brother and told him that she cancelled on watching my dogs less than 24 hours before we were leaving for vacation.  I think part of her was embarrassed by her behavior and that deep down inside she realized what she was doing was wrong.  Is that why your sister doesn't want your mom to know?  She's embarrassed?

I sort of agree with the other poster who said that you might be a bit enmeshed and a bit co-dependent.  It does seem like you take care of your sister quite a bit and you shouldn't have to as she's a grown adult.  It is nice to have stability, but that isn't your job to secure for her, it is her job.  A few months ago, my sister got into a huge fight with my mom and wanted me to drop everything to go hang out with here.  My BIL, who I hadn't seen for years was coming over for dinner that night with his girlfriend.  I told my sister I could hang out with her the next day but that I had plans.  She was irate.  Saying I wasn't there for her, I was putting my BIL before her, etc.  I learned a long time ago that I can't help my sister to be happy, only she can do that.

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Duality

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Nightblack Braids,

Maybe . . . your sister has come to or is avoiding an issue within her therapy concerning herself . . . that is very painful and she does not want to take responsibility for it?

Too, she is dependent upon her therapist and is "pissed" that her therapist is unavailable for the time being . . . and to "prove" how she feels neglected and abandoned by her therapist . . . she creates drama?  She could also be "punishing" her therapist for not being available?

Therefore . . . since she can't control her therapist, she turns to the most immediate target/s available . . . you and family?

This is manipulation and emotional blackmail.

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Nightblack braids

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I don't know whether it's serious or not, but going on her history and how her therapist diagnosed her with PTSD from alleged "child abuse," that's why we called the police.

For the PTSD, Sister says that Mom was abusive when younger. Mom had us when she was around thirty, and she's a VERY traditional Filipino Catholic. We were punished pretty damn strictly, so it's one of those cultural things that nobody really knows what to do with.

She doesn't talk to my mom currently because last year, I got stoned at a party (ate a weed cookie to try it out). Since I accidentally ate the WHOLE cookie instead of a fourth like you're supposed to, I was tripping for about three hours and therefore Mom was mad at me when she picked me up and I was acting weird.

All Sister had to do was get me to my room so I could sleep it off, and she did, but somehow Sister ALSO dragged herself into the matter and started arguing with Mom for a straight hour, which culminated in her taking off for a friend's place.

Mom felt bad a few days later and called her to apologize, but Sister constantly refuses to talk to her because she believes that Mom disowned her and kicked her out. This, despite the fact that Mom regrets the argument and wants to make amends, and has followed Sister's request that she not talk to her. Also, Mom has technically lent her money to help Sister with rent (through me as a middle-man).

The money itself isn't an issue since it's not that often, and it's only happening because she's been having bad luck with jobs. When she had a stable job, she had nowhere near this amount of drama. And then suddenly, the stable job folded with about three days of warning because the owners really mismanaged their money. She feels bad having to borrow money from me and she's very grateful when she does need help.

Sister's therapist has said that staying with Mom isn't an option for her, but I'm not sure that outright refusing to make amends is what her therapist intended. (Unfortunately, neither of us know what she's actually been talking about in therapy aside from what she tells me occasionally.) So we're thinking that maybe she's feeling guilty/mad about Mom and won't admit that she's been responsible for her own stress this past year, which is compounding whatever tangled emotional issues she has (PTSD, depression, a PD she might have, or possibly just a whole lot of immaturity?)

I don't think she's intentionally manipulative. She just reverts to a five-year-old when she's under stress, doesn't seem to think about consequences when she goes off about something serious like posting that she's planning a suicide note, and then when I help her, she blows up at me for tiny little micro-details. I don't even feel guilty about how she blew up at me--I'm just annoyed because her reasons for being mad at me are just so STRANGE.

As for codependency, yeah--I read the article on codependency and I sound like a caretaker. As with my habit of trying to reason with her, I also have a really bad habit of doing what she wants to shut her up.

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Nightblack braids

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Update: She's apologizing to people and sending them emails/messages, and apparently her theater class took her out to eat because several of them are friends on Facebook and they obviously got concerned when she wrote the "planning a suicide note" status.

Sister isn't pretending that her suicide alarm never happened, for which I'm immensely glad--me and our niece (our older brother's daughter) took her out to brunch and helped her move out of her old place to her new one yesterday, and she admitted that she was feeling unbearable a few days ago.

Also, while I was venting in real life, our niece mentioned that Sister doesn't seem to have much perspective on life if she gets so overwhelmed after a week without her therapist.

Does anyone else deal with this sort of intensity in their relatives? It just wears me out sometimes.