Left the drama behind long ago...not looking for another dose, thanks

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VividImagination

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Brief synopsis: FOC and I went NC with NM three years ago (she died recently). NSis went NC with us in retaliation to show loyalty to NM, with whom she was deeply enmeshed. Since NM's death NSis has been working to screw all of the siblings out of any part of NM's estate (naturally no will was left). I said three or four words to NSis at the funeral and that has been the extent of our contact.

NSis texted me the other night (first time in three years) and it began something to the effect of "I'll understand if you say no". She made us a very generous offer of free services at "her" business (the ones NM owned should be divided among the siblings and she is fighting to keep it for herself) that would essentially eliminate a large monthly expense for us. I read the text and laughed out loud...my internal reactions were "Are you kidding me??" and "Hell no!"

Once I was able to stop laughing I was forced to recall the past and remind myself that NSis offers nothing out of "generosity" - everything has a hidden motive or benefit for her. My other siblings have remained LC/VLC with her - no one can stand her and her recent actions with NM's estate hasn't won her any sympathy or help from that corner. NSis is now completely alone (everyone else is out of state) and is probably beginning to feel the loss of all FOO. My elderly enDad lives with her, but her and NM's abuse of him has rendered him a mindless zombie who can barely hold a conversation.

Another motivation is her creepy obsession with my kids...my sister uncovered a shrine of hacked Facebook photos covering a wall on a recent visit to "her" (NM's) house. This "lovely" offer would involve near daily contact with my kids and I...um, no thanks.

I sent her a back a short but very polite thanks for her kind offer, but that we were happy with our current business that we used. She just sent back an "ok". Well, then....case closed, right? Thanks for the kind offer, but we're fine. Haha...if I was dealing with a healthy person then we'd be all good. But I'm not.

NSis called another sister (Sister #3) crying, saying that I hated her and thought "her" business was crap. Sister #3 reminded NSis that she'd smeared us for years along with NM and spread lies nonstop...she couldn't just expect us to throw our arms open with a big smile....she needed to take baby steps. I just kind of laughed and told Sister#3 she could take any kind of steps she wanted but we weren't interested in having a relationship with her as she was simply too unstable and emotionally unhealthy.

I'm going to get to the point now, I swear! What bugged me (and the two other sisters who discussed it as well) is that NSis displayed classically manipulative behavior from our FOO's past. She and NM had this tactic down to a science - offer a strings-attached "gift" and then play the hurt and pouting victim when it was kindly turned down. You couldn't refuse or she'd make yours and all the rest of the FOO's lives miserable with complaining about how awful and ungrateful you were. With a healthy, mature person they accept the "rejection" and understand that others don't always need or want their "help". But they weren't really upset about the refusal...it was that they didn't get their way.

I left all that drama behind years ago and haven't dealt with it since. Within just a few sentences of interaction NSis dragged back years of dysfunctionality that the rest of us have outgrown and left far behind. She is still mired in sad old behaviors that are so transparent and obvious and is most likely so far gone that she will never change.

Three years ago I would have never understood any of this...I would have stumbled along as her blind minion. I was immune to the stench of her garbage because I'd lived with it so long. Now I can smell the stench coming off her soul a hundred miles away thanks to NC.

There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Left the drama behind long ago...not looking for another dose, thanks
« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2015, 02:51:34 AM »
I thought when you said "she can take any steps she wants" that you were going to end with, "as long as they lead far away from me."   ;D

You handled it really, really well and I applaud your calm attitude.   :applause:

BTW, that shrine to your children?  Tres creepy!   :aaauuugh:

The games, they just never end, do they?  When I was getting rid of unBPD mom's hoard, C (the unNPD friend with no claim to the stuff) tried playing similar ones - I swear, they really DO read the same playbook. 

How stupid do they think we really are, to not realize we're being manipulated?  Do they really think we're that dumb?  C's endgame was the same - she'd "help out" as long as we did things her way, worked at her pace and let her call all the shots, while she got a constant acquisition high off the stuff that she'd slowly sort through, like every day was Christmas AND her birthday rolled into one. 

Bottom line:  not her stuff,  waaaaaay too much stuff, stuff had to go and I made it go, then banished her to the cornfield.  So she went crying to my dad, tattling that I was sooooooo mean and I didn't have to be like that and she'd done nothing wrong for me to treat her sooooooo cruelly and she wasn't coming back, boo hoo freakin' hoo...

And my enabling unNPD dad *bought it* hook, line and sinker.  He asked what horrible things I said to C that had her so, SO upset and in tears.

I told her everything she wanted was gone, so don't come back.  There was a bit more than that, but that was the gist.  That was my mean, cruel, heartless message.

She was just PO'ed that the acquisition high was over and she didn't get her way.  I said, "No" and I meant it.   And she's probably still badmouthing me to just about anybody who will listen.  Frankly, I don't care.  It affects me not one whit. 

While as transparent and maddening as this stuff is, it keeps us on our toes so we're not lulled into false complacency.  It keeps our senses sharp, so we can smell when we're about to be screwed or get the bad end of a deal that really benefits the PD and leaves us feeling beholden, yet angry.

Believe me - there *will* be more shenanigans, especially if your mom didn't leave a will and your sister is just about as bad as your mom was.  This is probably just the first of many, many games she's going to play. 

Personally, I'd get together with the non-sibs and hire a lawyer to represent your small group.  Let the lawyer handle all the contact and leave the two or three of you out of it. 

If you can't do that, you'll have to continue to take her with a grain of salt because I'm sure she's got more fun up her sleeve.  PD's often don't like to go away without a whimper - especially when they didn't get their way.

C *did* go away with a whimper, only because she had no legal standing or recourse because the stuff wasn't hers or left to her.  But I'm sure my face is on her dartboard. 

Stay strong.  You're doing great!   :hug:

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daughter

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Re: Left the drama behind long ago...not looking for another dose, thanks
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2015, 07:43:38 PM »
I'd hire a qualified lawyer to assess situation, and remain very wary of all offers from nsis.

I fully expect zero from my nutcase NParents, with whom I'm finally NC, for past three years, but hope my kids aren't entirely disowned (oldest still in regular grandparent-initiated contact/head games), but I won't be surprised if GC Nsis, (NBM's BFF mini-me) also cheats even relatively loyal DS from his inheritance. My malevolent parents are wealthy, but were always lopsidedly stingy towards me, and the 1st "act of disinheritance" occurred immediately after my own family moved a mere 20 minutes from FOO neighborhood.

Yes, I'm not surprised by the predictable "estate mess" left to the children of nod parents. It seems to be a characteristic trait. I'm glad I've excised myself, even at the significant future financial "loss". Best wishes to you.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2015, 07:46:06 PM by daughter »