The cat's away...... permanently

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eyeofthestorm

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The cat's away...... permanently
« on: August 23, 2015, 05:05:11 AM »
Hi -- wondering if anyone else is going thru something similar.
Both parents have passed now,  Dad about 10 years ago and Mom a year and a half ago.
Birth order of the siblings: me then a sister 2 years younger then a brother 7 years younger than her. We all live in the same town where we grew up.  (Well one of us grew up anyway.)
I'll go into more detail another time but for now, anyone else being dumped on by the acting out of triangulating siblings now that there's no parental presence to keep order or keep the family together?
The sense of abandonment has been excruciating.  I have felt orphaned.
Getting better with time though.  Thanks in advance for your replies.
"Either this wallpaper goes or I do." (Last words of Oscar Wilde)

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BroughtMyUmbrella

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Re: The cat's away...... permanently
« Reply #1 on: August 23, 2015, 12:38:17 PM »
There's no sense of abandonment because there was never anything else. My mother blatantly favored GC brother (who turned out OK despite it all), and she only really remembers that she has daughters when uPD sis is acting up or when she wants something from me. Growing up, she made it clear from my earliest memories that I was absolutely and utterly on my own. She never wanted daughters. If I did anything to attempt to attract attention, she'd become abusive, so I learned young that neglect was far preferable. I became invisible. Dad wanted children very much and had no preference as to gender, but sis has been struggling with mental illness since she was a toddler, and most of his energy went into keeping her placated. In the 60s, treatment options for mentally ill children were limited. He would have liked to have been a more attentive father to me, but sis went ballistic if he showed me any attention at all. Her outbursts were violent in the extreme, so my interaction with my father was limited to outings with my brother on rare occasions when my sister was doing some talent show and sick days. My father realized that somebody had to raise his daughters and that my mother was never going to do it, so he got a job that allowed him to work from home. If I was sick and couldn't go to school, it meant that I got to spend quality time with Dad.

When my father died, I grieved because even if he wasn't the perfect parent, he tried. My mother is still alive, but I only hear from her if she wants something.

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eyeofthestorm

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Re: The cat's away...... permanently
« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2015, 09:51:02 PM »
Hello Brought My Umbrella -- must be a very different kind of grief for a connection that never existed with your Mom. So sorry.
"Either this wallpaper goes or I do." (Last words of Oscar Wilde)

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BroughtMyUmbrella

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Re: The cat's away...... permanently
« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2015, 11:08:59 PM »
The important thing I took away from your post, eyeofthestorm, is that you are experiencing distress because your family has dispersed after your mother's death and healthy or not, you miss your siblings.

I'm sorry for your loss. I can well imagine how adrift you must feel.

If your siblings maintained contact before, it's possible that they may still be amenable to it. Have you considered getting together for some planned event pertaining to something your mother would have enjoyed? For example, if I wanted to reach out to my siblings, I might throw an ice cream social. Ice cream was my father's favorite food, and we might reconnect and share memories over it. Obviously, you'd want to be the one issuing the invitations and thereby controlling the event, but it might open the way for dialogue.

Of course, that assumes that you want contact. Please forgive me if the assumption is incorrect.

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eyeofthestorm

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Re: The cat's away...... permanently
« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2015, 11:32:11 PM »
Hi BMU -- Brother texted me a couple months ago to extend the olive branch PROVIDED THAT we never discuss what has happened between us. No accountability whatsoever except for an excuse that was in itself a half-truth at best.
I just can't do it. To me it compounds the abuse.
Very sad.  And it's not the brother I had before.
"Either this wallpaper goes or I do." (Last words of Oscar Wilde)