Any other cheeses standing alone?

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eyeofthestorm

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Any other cheeses standing alone?
« on: August 24, 2015, 11:26:03 PM »
Hi -- I've had to go No Contact with my siblings (brother and sister), both having become over-the-top manipulative, passive aggressive and abusive now that both parents are gone.
Sister estranged herself from the family about 5 years ago.  Brother nearly abandoned me during care for Mom,  then totally abandoned me after the funeral, for all the cleaning out of the house,  selling it, business details, etc. etc.
They suddenly reconciled -- as if "the enemy of the enemy is a friend", deep into triangulation.
Sight unseen except for when the lawyer contacted us to meet to divide up property at the house.
And only in contact with me when they could find supposed fault with what I was doing.  No more. I'm done until/unless there's accountability,  apology and a boat load of appreciation.
So much projection and hostility. Sure there are past fences to mend with my Sister but this is purely vicious payback. And with virtually  no effort to honor Mom and Dad and the home we grew up in -- regardless of how they feel about me. I still shake my head about my brother -- I think Sister pulled him in as an ally by capitalizing on his essential laziness and feeling of entitlement.
And Brother addicted to Facebook continues to wage a campaign to prove what a devoted son he is, preaching on the Importance of Family at Times Like These.
I've lost my immediate family with Mom's death and I've had to mourn alone. Most painful thing I've ever been thru. (My divorce from uBDPx hurt deeply of course but I knew I was getting out of an irreparable situation.)  I never thought I'd totally lose my FOO as a foundation.
Just wondering if anyone here on the boards is in a similar situation.
"Either this wallpaper goes or I do." (Last words of Oscar Wilde)

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underthefigtree

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Re: Any other cheeses standing alone?
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2015, 03:54:41 AM »
Hello eyeofthestorm, I am sorry you are having to go through grieving the loss of your parents alone. And then with the loss of your sibling relationships, you are having that loss to mourn as well.

I think my situation is a little similar in that I am still grieving death of my parents, sibling relationships are rather dysfunctional, and I have LC/NC with 2 out of 3 siblings - almost had to go there with the 3rd.

And I had the responsibility for overseeing and providing for my late parents care and affairs in their last couple of years. Older sis didn't help with them and didn't really even visit. When she did visit, she was very harsh with them even accusing my father of faking his Parkinson's symptoms. Younger sis helped when she was free but didn't really sacrifice herself. My brother spent a great deal of time trying to do things for my parents but he had a limit short of what their needs were. I did for them whatever was needed and just about wrecked my health, career, and quality of life for a couple of years. Even spent about a month this year working on making repairs, cleaning, etc. house we all inherited - brother helped some but got no help from sisters. All siblings resented my parents' choosing me to handle their care/affairs and be will executor.

Re Facebook - older sis had the nerve to post photos with and sentiments about our parents as if she was actually loving toward them! Not many people know about the ugly and disrespectful way she treated them. And the funeral home photo DVDs were more of a show for her and hers! It was completely absurd!

After Mom passed away a year ago (Dad died earlier in same year), my younger sister who was always very histrionic and somewhat narcissistic started scapegoating me and being more condescending toward me. I was always the one that was different from the rest of the family (sensitive, shy, passive, etc) and while growing up, was the family scapegoat. Before Mom died, I don't remember my younger sis doing any scapegoating though I had already been making her aware of her condescending tone with me. When I pointed out the scapegoating/increased condesension to her (could only do this because of being in therapy), she defended her attitude/behavior and then started harshly criticizing my decisions and actions in a crazy-making way. This continued and even escalated over about a 6 month period so it looked to me like it was going to be a permanent relationship dynamic for us. It was hurtful. And scary. No trusting her not to be abusive after that.

I had already gone very LC with my older sister who has almost every sign of classic NPD. And I had already reached the limit with my brother (another uNPD) and had given him an ultimatum - amazingly, he apologized, we had a very candid talk and he has treated me like an equal ever since (though his motivation could be due to him being NC with older sis and I think LC with younger sis because she is close to older sis). He still has a little bit of an abusive side though I can see that he is working hard on it. But I always thought that I could maintain somewhat of a genuine and trusting family relationship with my younger sister despite her histrionic/narcissistic behaviors and her closeness with older sis. Now my younger sister and I haven't talked in 6 months. Neither one of us have tried to contact the other. I have given up on having a relationship with her.  I fully expect that if I contacted her and re-established the relationship, it would be the same dysfunctional interactions that are unacceptable to me now.

Sorry if I've gone on too much about my situation.

What I really wanted to share with you is that I've been able to spend some time with cousins and some of my parents' friends/neighbors and talk about my parents and how they miss them as well. They've told me stories about my parents and what my parents meant to them. I've been able to share with them how things were with Mom and Dad in their last years and at the end. I've been able to talk about how it was for me during those couple of years. Very important to my healing is that I've been able to have honest discussion with some of them about my parents' faults as well as their goodness. All of these interactions have been good for me.

I hope you find relief from this very painful loss.

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rosie

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Re: Any other cheeses standing alone?
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2015, 05:00:24 AM »
Just about every relationship I have had has gone to hell in a hand basket in the last few years. My father is dead, I'm LC with my unHPD mother, my sister has little to say to me, my ex has been hiding an intimate relationship with someone else for 10 years, my daughter is stressed, I haven't seen my granddaughter in a while, my dog died, and I moved. Now, slowly, I've been building up things again, but even here, there have been hitches.

When I spent my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas alone, and storms raged around the house, rats were scampering over the roof, my joints were aching, and I was feeling very old, I thought it couldn't get much lower. But I think we need those low, low times to appreciate the better ones, and we need to go down into the abyss to be able to come up on the other side. Because there is another side!

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Salsera

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Re: Any other cheeses standing alone?
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2015, 01:47:46 AM »
Just about every relationship I have had has gone to hell in a hand basket in the last few years. My father is dead, I'm LC with my unHPD mother, my sister has little to say to me, my ex has been hiding an intimate relationship with someone else for 10 years, my daughter is stressed, I haven't seen my granddaughter in a while, my dog died, and I moved. Now, slowly, I've been building up things again, but even here, there have been hitches.

When I spent my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas alone, and storms raged around the house, rats were scampering over the roof, my joints were aching, and I was feeling very old, I thought it couldn't get much lower. But I think we need those low, low times to appreciate the better ones, and we need to go down into the abyss to be able to come up on the other side. Because there is another side!

There's nothing quite like walking through the valley of the shadow of death to enable you to appreciate when you walk out of it.
"Faith is taking the first step even when you donít see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King, Jr.