"I have the right to the grandchildren"

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thebutterflyeffect

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"I have the right to the grandchildren"
« on: August 25, 2015, 11:59:15 AM »
So. I went NC 2 months ago.

But Mum keeps calling.

I once got a call in the middle of the night twice with somebody breathing down the phone. That was really creepy actually. I'm guessing that was Mum too.

Today she called from a private number in tears, as soon as I heard her, I hung up. Then I texted, "please stop calling me." She texted a reply saying, "We just want to take the kids over the weekend, we have the right to that, don't we? Mum."

Just over a month ago I received a message saying, "I know you're it's hard for you right now and you're hurting right now (I've recently separated and urgh no actually feeling really good!). I want to try and talk to you. I don't want to try and figure out who's wrong or right, just to try and understand each other. I think everybody suffers from our relationship especially the children. If you can please reply to my message. I really love you. Mum."

This is the woman who is complete nuts. I'm thinking both her and Dad are nuts actually. She seeks to undermine me at every step.

Let's take just a few examples from this year when I was actively working on trying to build a relationship. I'll give 3 examples but there's hundreds. I'll just give the first that spring to mind.

Example #1: I'm 39 weeks pregnant with a UTI. I'm in pain. My ex, who wasn't my ex at the time, calls me a fat lazy slob for not cleaning the house or catering to his needs and screams at me and goes lies in bed while I am in bed feeding dinner to the children. I call Mum, cry to her. She comes over, cleans the house, I try and help but I'm in pain so I move slowly. She starts chastisising me for how dirty my house is, how slowly I am moving ("I used to sprint after buses at 40 weeks pregnant, you know! Like a bird!"), then I cook her lunch, and apparently it's not what she wanted, the lunch isn't filling enough for ALL THE HARD WORK SHE HAS JUST DONE!!!!!! She leaves the house screaming and in tears.  :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars:

Example #2: I give birth on my way to hospital and she is supposed to be taking the older children since it's night time. She walks into the birthing suite while I am trying to deliver the placenta (stubborn thing) and have a whole bunch of medical staff surrounding me getting anxious and I say that I don't want her in here at this time. She proceeds to keep walking. The medical staff have to block her, and then my ex basically has to push her out. She is livid. She doesn't congratulate me, ever, and doesn't speak to me for a week. (!!!!)

Example #3: I call her up in the middle of the night because my ex has flown into one of his rages and is breaking my cosmetics, throwing my clothes out of the wardrobe and just punched a hole in the wall. He is getting up in my face and has woken up one of the children who watched all this briefly then disturbingly fell back asleep. She tells me that "you piss me off sometimes too. What horrible thing have you done to piss him off so much? Dad and I fight too sometimes, you know."

Okay, this is turning into therapy, so example #4: On my son's birthday they say they aren't coming. Then they find out MIL is coming a few days prior and announce they are coming. My son wants tacos tacos for dinner so I need to go to the shop to get them. Keep in mind that I have a newborn and a toddler as well and getting out of the house is hard, since my now ex doesn't bother helping most of the time. I want to go to the shop after they leave but they arrive late so I have to go to the store while they are there. They say I can't do that. I bite my tongue for ten minutes then voice that I'm really upset about this. Mum starts throwing things and screaming and calling me names like bitch and whore and then Dad has to carry her out. Son doesn't end up getting his tacos for dinner as it's too late and MIL is on her way.

And on and on the list goes.

Please tell me, I'm not crazy for wanting NC?

And she doesn't have a right to her grandchildren?...

I am sick of this harassment. I worry that it's only going to get worse. Not sure if I'm being paranoid that she'll call child services on me or what.


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thebutterflyeffect

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2015, 12:05:34 PM »
One last thing, example #5, because this one is disturbing and funny:

When I went NC she wrote me a POEM. She wrote me an abusive POEM, which actually had a lot of literate and creative skill in it, about how my journalism and social activism is sh*t and how filthy my house is. And I have a newborn.

A poem.

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thebutterflyeffect

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2015, 12:25:07 PM »
Example #6 (because hey, free therapy): I don't see them for about six, seven (?) weeks after birth. Because they are busy. I call her up once in tears on a Thursday because she gets Thursdays off work and I say, I really need someone to help me here, I am stuck with newborn all day and the other kids are running hungry and feral, the washing is through the roof, there is mess everywhere. She goes off her tree about how selfish I am because this is her day off (never mind Saturday and Sunday - they are house renovation days) and today SHE IS GROCERY SHOPPING. So sht up. Sht up whre I am grocery shopping you are so selfish you'll manage piss off. All you think about is yourself. But when I was DYING!!!!!!! (dramatic voice over ) you didn't give a sht about me did you.

Example #7: catch her explaining in detail to my son how selfish I am and how he doesn't need to listen to me over the phone.

Example #8: I ask them if they can watch the kids while I go into labour, so, when we call, can they please come to the hospital to watch the kids. They fly into a rage and call me selfish, saying that I just always want everybody to drop everything whenever I want and never think of anybody else, and that if they're at work, I'm just going to have to wait (I have fast labours).

Example #9: I let slip that I'm tired a few weeks post partum and Mum starts raging that she is sooooooooo tired and she is working AT THEIR AGE (50s) 4 days a weeks and renovating their house and how that is soooooooo tiring and she totally gets me but she sucks it up unlike me and I am a whinger and need to get more organised. I also tell her since my birthday is coming up to stop buying me clothes (for 50 years olds) since I don't like them to which I'm told how ungrateful I am since she does buy them.

Thank you for listening to me rant. It does sound like I am a bit self centred maybe? I don't know.

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flower essence

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2015, 12:28:47 PM »
I can't imagine having to deal with behaviors like this from a parent, though I think if my mom were still alive I would.  For example, she was drunk while holding my nephew and angry at my sister for being late to their dinner, so she hands off the child in such a way that makes him almost slip and fall out of both of their hands.  My sister called me hysterically crying...

If I were you, I would take some time off and definitely go NC.  Especially because you have very young children and all your energy should be going to them and keeping yourself healthy. 

I'm also sorry that your ex is no help either.


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lovingheart

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2015, 12:35:54 PM »
You have every right to NC!

You need to protect your kids from that kind of behavior which is unacceptable in front of children!

I am sorry about your EX but it is better to not have him your life when all he did was harm your emotional well being along with your children's.

She has no right to see her grandchildren. Remember they are YOUR kids, you can choose what is right and wrong for them. Someone toxic like that would not be allowed my kids (that's if I had kids). I would be afraid of what she would do or how she would react, especially someone who doesn't seem to care what language they use in front of a child. Great example Grandma!
Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.

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thebutterflyeffect

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2015, 12:55:41 PM »
I can't imagine having to deal with behaviors like this from a parent, though I think if my mom were still alive I would.  For example, she was drunk while holding my nephew and angry at my sister for being late to their dinner, so she hands off the child in such a way that makes him almost slip and fall out of both of their hands.  My sister called me hysterically crying...

If I were you, I would take some time off and definitely go NC.  Especially because you have very young children and all your energy should be going to them and keeping yourself healthy. 

I'm also sorry that your ex is no help either.

I am separated and going NC specifically for that children - because I want to focus on the good things in my life, I want to be there in the present and not constantly walking on eggshells or turning into a shadow because NPD BPD (?) Mum is flying into a rage because she can't control the world with her PD superpowers.

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thebutterflyeffect

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2015, 01:00:02 PM »
Thanks. Since going NC I am slowly beginning to feel more like the parent and consciously take on that role. They tried to rip that role away from me as soon as I fell pregnant. They insistently offered to adopt my oldest son early this year, then when I kept saying no flew into a rage about money.

And exactly why I am going NC is because I want to live my life as their mother and as a mentally healthy mother at that. I remember the first month of NC I had terrible awful flashbacks and my cPTSD was triggered really badly, I had trouble functioning. And only once I processed that and allowed myself to believe that my memories were real (I was told they didn't happen and/or happened because I was naughty and bad, thereby I caused all my own pain), that I could finally take a deep breath and start truly feeling again.

I think she is trying to apply to my guilt.

Note: my children, especially my oldest, but at time my middle at the expense of the oldest, is GC. I was GC scapegoat lost child all in one until my oldest was born, then I was scapegoat and he was GC. So she doesn't treat them the same way she treats me - but after finding this site and learning more about golden children/scapegoating, I began to see things for what they were, and this is why I cut contact, for the sake of my children especially.

You have every right to NC!

You need to protect your kids from that kind of behavior which is unacceptable in front of children!

I am sorry about your EX but it is better to not have him your life when all he did was harm your emotional well being along with your children's.

She has no right to see her grandchildren. Remember they are YOUR kids, you can choose what is right and wrong for them. Someone toxic like that would not be allowed my kids (that's if I had kids). I would be afraid of what she would do or how she would react, especially someone who doesn't seem to care what language they use in front of a child. Great example Grandma!

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weeblewobbled

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #7 on: August 25, 2015, 08:18:30 PM »
No, she doesn't have the "right" to the children. You know who has the right to the children? Whoever you say has a right to the children. If you've chosen to NC with her (rightly so, it sounds like) why would you hand her what you hold most precious in this world? Block her numbers where you can and let your ex know that you don't want your mother taking the kids while he's supposed to have them.

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VividImagination

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #8 on: August 25, 2015, 09:14:15 PM »
TBE, go back and read your first few posts while pretending that I wrote them. Ask the same question to yourself: If Vivid's mother did all these things (namecalling, alienation of affection of a minor, trying to take your child through adoption, emotional abuse,) should she have a "right" (access) to Vivid's children?

I bet your answer would be a resounding no. It doesn't matter if it's your mother, my mother, or Mother Teresa. People who act disordered forfeit privileges.

Funny how when it was convenient for them (during/right after birth when they wanted to punish you with silent treatment) they had no interest in your children. Now all of a sudden they have "rights".  No, they don't. They only have privileges you grant them.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this mess but glad that you're happier on your own. I'd block all avenues of contact and let them flail. And above all, if someone is too unhealthy/abusive for ME to be around, they CERTAINLY aren't going to be around my children.
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Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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daughter

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #9 on: August 26, 2015, 11:07:05 AM »
No, your parents have no "rights" to your children.

No, you're not obligated to cater to demands and expectations of your parents, nor tolerate insensitive, rude, mean, malevolent, and/or self-absorbed (and self-entitled) bad behavior.

No, you're not duty-bound to your parents.

Listen to your gut feelings. You've lots of higher priorities than your parents' "feelings".  They are not allowed to treat you in this manner, and their bad behavior deserves emotional and physical distance from you and the kids.  No "grandkids on demand", not at their whim and command.  Try to establish alternate relationships that are genuine and emotionally-supportive.

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SPinSC

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #10 on: August 26, 2015, 12:19:09 PM »
Echoing what the other posters have said, NO! Your parents do NOT have a RIGHT to your children. Even if you all got along and wanted them to spend time together, that would be your choice and your parent's privilege. A privilege which can be revoked at your will for your reasons. Period.

Keep those therapeutic postings coming if that helps. Really! Get that garbage they've dumped on you out of your life!

It's evident that you love your children very much. Keep that in mind as you see your children begin to blossom with the NC continuing. If they ask about the things Grammy or Grandfather said, ask them if they'd like it if you said those things about them to THEIR children? Of course not, which is why you would never and why Grammy & Grandfather are in talking time-out right now.

I don't know what to say other than WOW, you are more patient than most I know. Wow, you're handling things quite well considering. Wow, you must really love your children a lot to protect them so well. And, don't back down regarding YOUR children. If they'd treat you like that, no telling what they'd do with you at your house and them with your children at theirs. I'm so sorry that your situation includes such mean people related to you through no fault of your own (not making a blame statement about FOC vs FOO, just reminding her that these are NOT chosen people and that they have no birthright claim to her life just because of that biological relationship!).
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SunnyandBright

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #11 on: August 29, 2015, 12:38:48 PM »
I think you know that you have far and away enough reasons to go NC with them. 
I hope you can do it.  But if, for some reason, you choose not to do it, or if you choose to maybe go LC with them (although I do think NC would be better for you) there is one thing I'd like you to think about.  I know you have been through some terrible times, with three kids and an unsupportive ex.  I feel bad for you that you didn't/don't have the kind of parents who would be willing to help you out, without strings attached.   But you don't.  No matter what you decide to do with the relationship (NC, LC or otherwise) I would encourage you to never, ever, ever ask your mother for one single thing again, ever.  She holds it against you, and she uses it as evidence that you "need" her, and she thinks it gives her the right to judge you and become even more critical of you.   

They WANT to help you, because they know it gives them leverage.   If she's like my mom, once you stop asking her for anything --- she will start begging to help you.  Don't let her. 

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Just Jay

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #12 on: August 31, 2015, 02:06:11 AM »
Anyone who messes around with a lady in labor is in the wrong. Really. That's one of those times to jump in and help, not create more chaos. Sheesh! For real.


Considering that your mom has tried to take away your children and undermine you, you have every right to put a stop to that relationship.

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thebutterflyeffect

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #13 on: August 31, 2015, 09:37:39 AM »
Thanks all!

It's really hard keeping that NC mindset. The kids miss their grandparents and don't understand the toxic undercurrents that were/are going on. My mum has stopped contacting me - although not sure if that's a good thing and she's just preparing for something.

Thank you for supporting me in my NC decision. It sure does make you feel guilty!

SunnyandBright - I will cherish your words until the end of time. You are 110% correct!

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1Brightnight

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Re: "I have the right to the grandchildren"
« Reply #14 on: August 31, 2015, 04:22:23 PM »
I'm sorry. It is very hard with three very young kids and no help. I know first hand. Thebutterflyeffect, it WILL get better, and you, so much stronger, yes it will! Hang in there okay? You really never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice. Blessings.

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