A wish born of desperation

  • 10 Replies
  • 1754 Views
*

eyeofthestorm

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 154
  • There's no winner to an irrational war.
A wish born of desperation
« on: August 28, 2015, 06:17:15 AM »
Hi -- as I've posted elsewhere,  prior to my present dealings with (at least) PD-esque acting out from my siblings,  I was married to UBPDX. An odd, desperate hope developed in me, that he would hit bottom and the extreme acting out would be witnessed by someone other than me.  One time the window almost opened up -- we were at a business convention of his, out of town, and I had joined him there.  On his own he had a few too many at the hotel bar with his co-workers (the guys he works with on a daily basis in our home town) and he accused the wealthy Vice President of the company of having lazy, entitled sons who needed no work ethic to prosper in life. The V.P. blew up at him and X came back up to our hotel room in tears, nearly hysterically sobbing aloud that he hurts people.
I almost agreed and pursued the subject -- as in "can you see how your uncontrolled venom drives us apart within our marriage?" --  but reconsidered, thinking that out of town on business wasn't the place or time for a breakdown.  (X had already been hospitalized once for an extreme attack of separation anxiety. Psychoanalyst had totally dropped the ball then.)

I bring this up on this board about Family Members because I think bottoming out is the only thing that will bring my brother to a true look in the mirror. The guilt he undoubtedly feels about having enabled both his late wife and late stepson as regards their substance abuse, the depth of grief he's never worked through,  the guilt about feeling relieved at the deaths and moving on to enabling yet another addicted family system, plus the huge tangled web woven with all lies, abuse and cover-ups, neglect, etc.  towards me.
I hate to wish the pain of a rock-bottom moment to anyone but I think it's the only way he'll break his own denial. And meanwhile it's gradually bringing me to more of a sense of peace that it's not on me to change him and bring him to accountability.  In fact it can't be -- the mirror I'd hold up,  in fact the mirror that I represent is too much of a threat.  He knows that I know and that is intolerable.
Brother has never had an easy relationship with the truth, I realize. There must be a very dark place inside where all that fear and shame is held.
« Last Edit: August 28, 2015, 06:25:33 AM by eyeofthestorm »
"Either this wallpaper goes or I do." (Last words of Oscar Wilde)

*

BroughtMyUmbrella

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 102
Re: A wish born of desperation
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2015, 07:33:58 AM »
I'm truly sorry, but my reading comprehension skills are crap. I get that X is UBPD and that brother is going through a crisis, but what's the wish?

*

irene

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 137
Re: A wish born of desperation
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2015, 08:43:34 AM »
the wish that he will reach rock bottom and realise

*

bunnie

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 513
Re: A wish born of desperation
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2015, 01:00:21 PM »
A few of my relatives have said that hitting rock bottom is the only hope for my Nsis.  My sister bullies her way through life and she thinks that people are so intimidated that she'll always get her way.  She doesn't notice that she's lost all of her friends (except one formed in the last two years) and has no real family relationships (except controlling her husband, kids and Nmom).  I don't know what rock bottom would be in her case.

The observation that you represent a mirror to your brother and that it's threatening to him is very interesting and makes sense.
To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize - Voltaire

*

BroughtMyUmbrella

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 102
Re: A wish born of desperation
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2015, 02:53:58 PM »
the wish that he will reach rock bottom and realise
Ah, yes, I definitely understand, and I can definitely relate. People always feel guilty about wishing for this, but they shouldn't. Some people simply will not heal unless they run out of options, so wanting them to arrive at that state is not malice, it's a kind of compassion.

*

SPinSC

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1438
  • Make this life count - there is no 'reset' button!
Re: A wish born of desperation
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2015, 05:58:24 PM »
Yes, wishing he hits rock bottom so he'll heal is different than wishing he'd hit rock bottom 'and I hope it hurts, too!' is cruel. You're working from the love you bro, but your issue is your issue. I want to help, but I'm stuck over here being me.

No guilt, but I'm very, very sorry you're having to watch the disintegration of someone you do love. That can't be easy. I hope it all works out the way it should and that you have the strength to see it through however his life unfolds.
I choose this day to rise up and be my best self, not succumbing to that which I sense is inside me, trying to drag me down.

Love is an action verb. You will know if it is genuine by the actions that support it, not by the frequency of the spoken words.

*

eyeofthestorm

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 154
  • There's no winner to an irrational war.
Re: A wish born of desperation
« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2015, 06:56:09 PM »
Thanks all for the thoughtful replies.   I'd mentioned before that his stepson had been in and out,  in and out of rehab (underwritten by my Mom), and he perished from tainted heroin Christmas morning 5 years ago. My brother found him.   At the memorial service, stepson's mother's (brother's late wife) face was as yellow as a bar of Dial Soap, from her jaundice due to alcoholism. Rehab, AA didn't work for her either, also on Mom's dime. My brother saw what happened,  what didn't happen when indeed they bottomed out,  repeatedly.
While not a substance abuser himself, I can still say  I know that he enabled them in major ways.  And maybe with each of their demises he saw that bottoming out simply led to relapsing, his being out of control of the situation,  and ultimately each of their deaths,  with Brother left holding the bag for enormous amounts of debt. And some emotional relief for him that the addictive drama had ended of people he had assumed responsibility for
Hard to put together a rational explanation for something so irrational but my gut is sure that when Brother told me he had "put in his 20 years for OUR PARENTS and this was HIS time now" it included the cumulative effect of caretaking for his own wife and stepson. Maybe he felt so guilty at having that freedom that he projected it on to our FOO. That sounds right as I'm thinking of iit now. It would be without honor to breathe a sigh of relief at the loss of his family by marriage.
 
« Last Edit: August 28, 2015, 07:02:40 PM by eyeofthestorm »
"Either this wallpaper goes or I do." (Last words of Oscar Wilde)

*

Poetry In Motion

  • New Member
  • *
  • 7
Re: A wish born of desperation
« Reply #7 on: August 29, 2015, 05:56:21 PM »
A few of my relatives have said that hitting rock bottom is the only hope for my Nsis.  My sister bullies her way through life and she thinks that people are so intimidated that she'll always get her way.  She doesn't notice that she's lost all of her friends (except one formed in the last two years) and has no real family relationships (except controlling her husband, kids and Nmom).  I don't know what rock bottom would be in her case.

OMG! Your sister sounds exactly like my sister. Can yours be charming when she wants? Mine still has a group of friends but I know she's not as included in the group as she'd like to be, or feels she should be ... but then we don't all feel that at some point? I'm having a hard time at the moment discerning who's the PD one?

The only difference I can discern is that I am willing to own my mistakes and try to move on positively anyway, whereas she sees herself as flawless. And she has the support of our mother and her fiancee to back her up. Everyone else is terrified of her. She's also unwell, so no one would dream of confronting her ... not to her face anyway.
I'm not afraid of her. I called her a spoiled brat about six months. Haha, she was shocked. No one else speaks to her like that. And TBH, I really try not to ... but she's so belligerent sometimes, I can't help it.

Will there be a point in the future where she loses all her friends? The way she treats her fiancee is unbelievable. I don't know how he copes but he still wants to marry her .... so I guess he loves her.

Have you ever been close to your sister?
Is she abusive towards you?
Would you like to be close to her?
Do you think that will ever happen?

I really miss my sister. And yet I'm not sure we ever had a relationship. My mother wouldn't allow it. What kills me the most is that my mother has managed to totally turn my sister into this warped freak. My mother could never control me, which is why she went out of her way to make my life hell ... it worked for 40 years. But not anymore. ;)

Eyeofthestorm, If there isn't a substance abuse problem involved, do PDs ever hit rock bottom?

I am sure that my N mother will die believing she lived a perfect life and was the perfect mother instead of the heartless manipulator that she really is.


*

eyeofthestorm

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 154
  • There's no winner to an irrational war.
Re: A wish born of desperation
« Reply #8 on: August 29, 2015, 06:32:53 PM »
Hi again Poetry in Motion, thanks for the reply.
On this end substance abuse has been a factor.
With UBPDX, he wasn't an alcoholic but when he did drink, he often couldn't handle it well. And that in itself brought out a temporary sense of rock bottom. Those incidents were almost -- I'm struggling for the word here -- constructive? fortunate? Provided that X wasn't behind the wheel of a car, alcohol could function like an emotional truth serum. Not that I would advocate that. And then when sobered up, things were denied or minimized.
As for the siblings, Sister has a long history of drug abuse. After she had been estranged from the family for a year or two, Mom and I drove crosstown to try to talk with her in person. She came to the door and looked horrible -- less than 90 lbs., ashen complexion, awful bags under her eyes.  She threatened to call the cops if we didn't leave the property and I bet it's because she didn't want us to see inside the house.  After about 5 minutes on the road again,  my cell phone rang and of course it was her laying into Mom and me with all the venom she could muster. The most cruel thing was accusing Mom and me of taking our time getting to the Hospice the morning that Dad passed away, so that Sister had to endure that on her own.
Huh???????
I happened to be at work,  I left as soon as I got the call and picked up Mom (who had been given the all clear from the nurse early in the morning). When we got there, Sister was so openly grateful to the staff and our apologies were big and sincere
 Then she waited YEARS to drop that bomb

Putting together a lot of circumstantial evidence,  it seems to add up that Sister and my Brother's stepson were involved in some sort of drug ring. So in addition to enabling his late wife and late stepson, Brother has maintained an active role with Stepson's drug buddies -- including letting them stay at his house.  (To barter off Stepson's drug debts?)
He may be enabling Sister in some way -- wouldn't surprise me.

"Either this wallpaper goes or I do." (Last words of Oscar Wilde)

*

weeblewobbled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1065
Re: A wish born of desperation
« Reply #9 on: August 29, 2015, 07:37:35 PM »
Yes, I felt very guilty at how relieved I felt when SIL was caught stealing from family members and using drugs, because it was like she FINALLY had done something that couldn't be explained away as her "meaning well" or her "misunderstanding" the situation. I hoped that this meant that the family would stop seeing me as the problem and finally see that her behavior was unreasonable and well, criminal in some cases. Also, she was not receiving the level of help she needed and I thought this would finally push her out of the therapeutic comfort zone it seemed that she'd fallen into, where the therapist didn't require anything of her.

Unfortunately, my FIL explained this away as SIL "wanting to make friends" and not understanding how serious her actions were. We were accused of being cold, heartless people for drawing boundaries with her and not wanting her near our young DD. So... I was still the problem.

SIL has hit rock bottom several times, but it doesn't have a lasting impact because her parents still rush in to fix things.

*

eyeofthestorm

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 154
  • There's no winner to an irrational war.
Re: A wish born of desperation
« Reply #10 on: August 29, 2015, 09:25:15 PM »
When my Sister opened her door, she asked my Mom, "where were you thirty years ago?"
Mom went to her grave never knowing what her daughter meant.
I presume it was to rescue her (my Sister) from the drug-ridden,  crime ridden life she led at that time.  She was in her late teens, early 20's then. She and a nefarious boyfriend were living with Mom and Dad at their house. The boyfriend was pimping my Sister and they were robbing them (and me and my Brother), shoplifting, using my parents' credit cards, and Grandma's after she passed.  Mom and Dad threw the boyfriend out. As well they should. Dad absolutely refused any family counseling. He was a product of his generation in a lot of ways but I think it was a mistake.
I don't know what the H*ll Sister expected.
But how cruel to lay that open-ended accusation at the feet of a Mother you'd never speak to again. It tortured Mom.
"Either this wallpaper goes or I do." (Last words of Oscar Wilde)