"When God Goes No Contact"

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ready4peace88

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"When God Goes No Contact"
« on: September 03, 2015, 10:14:03 AM »
Wanted to share a youtube video I'm watching..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfQ9OmJyvwY

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Mare Kaio

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2015, 04:13:35 PM »
Hi ready4peace88,
Thanks for sharing. Could you add a bit about why you posted the link, that is, what the video is about and how it relates to your situation? The member guidelines ask that everyone that shares a link to say a few words about it. Thanks!
Unda

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ready4peace88

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2015, 05:02:28 PM »
Hi Unda,

I'm sorry I didn't share any thoughts! I was in the middle of watching it when I shared..Well, I just was searching around youtube after someone shared a link to another narcissistic abuse survivor/life coach, and I stumbled on this guy's videos..This video resonated with me because I have been held in bondage to my very miserable marriage partly (a big part) due to religious teachings I was taught, like a lot of people were..that we have to forgive and give everyone a chance..that divorce is not to be done unless you're being beat physically or there's been sexual infidelity..My husband never hit me and he supposedly never had sex with the woman he had an emotional fling with..I was in turmoil because of this. I felt almost mad he didn't sleep with the woman so I would feel more sure I was free to leave him! But, my first reaction to him cheating was blaming myself. I turned all my anger inward and it was horrible. I didn't turn to our Creator, I had been spiritually numb for years..I felt I married against my gut feeling which was I believe our Higher Power trying to warn me..I chose not to heed because I had so much fear of being alone..I was lost in fear..I pictured that this unsatisfying marriage has been my punishment for me marrying him when I knew there were red flags..I am so sorry for how much I beat myself up for so long..I assumed God had left me to live out my penalty..I was wrong..My husband cheating was a blessing in disguise. It woke me up and forced me to look deeper into the spiritual truths of His words..not just in the written book, but when I prayed from the depths of my heart..I heard Him telling me that it's not ok with Him how my h has been treating me..I felt Him comfort me and He is strengthening me each day..I left my h recently for a month..this is a huge step..but I came back, thinking it was God asking me to give my h another chance..I'm not sure it was, so I have been home 5 weeks tomorrow and see I should not have moved so fast in coming home..Every decision we make can be a learning lesson though, so I choose not to beat myself up and concentrate on soothing myself and allowing myself to feel what I am really feeling..I am being honest with my h and it isn't going over well with him. He told me straight up that we need to avoid hot button topics. I told him I can't do this, I can't be fake..and sweep our problems under the rug..

I do believe that people that are NPD have choices in whether or not they turn completely evil or not..not everyone that suffers abuse or trauma as a child turns out to be NPD. I was emotionally neglected and rejected as a child..My mother was undiag. maj. depression..possibly other PD's I haven't really had the energy to analyze due to my h's issues. She allowed my siblings and I to be around her perverted brother, my uncle, who ended up molesting my sister and exposed himself in front of me one time..he called me drunk and talked nasty to me on the phone. My whole family knew he was a pervert yet he was allowed to be around all the cousins..our mom should have looked out for us, protected us, kept the pervert away from us! I still don't understand why and really don't care to figure it out anymore..I had to detach from her and have had nc for a long time (haven't seen her or talked to her in 5 years)..I know others have gone through much worse than I, I'm not downplaying others' experiences..I just believe that at some point, people do have a choice in what path they will choose..our inner spirit guiding us..whether it be good or evil..no one is perfect..alot of us try to live and learn and want to live a good life..but the ones that are truly evil to the core, I have to believe that it's because they wanted to go that route..so this video points out scripture about people like that, the ones that have truly chosen to be evil to the people they are supposed to love. It helped reinforce to me that if God doesn't put up with evil, why am I back here thinking that all those evil behaviors my uNPDh was able to do/and blame me for are gone for good? He hasn't been remorseful about the verbal abuse..He's already rewriting history and blame shifts it to being my fault along with his. He hates that I'm spiritual..hates it..questions it, then says he is supportive the next day..a few days later, the same accusations of me loving God more, me changing overnight without talking to him first, etc..exhausting..I am so tired..

I am learning as much as I can, praying without ceasing, and trying to heal my wounded codependent self...Making my way OOTF has been a lifesaver..I'm thankful for this forum, it's been so helpful..I'm taking this day by day, but am holding on..

ready4peace88

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Mare Kaio

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2015, 06:21:46 PM »
Thanks so much for sharing :) I can relate very much with the questions you're asking. As I was coming Out of the FOG, I struggled with the existence of evil -- people that intentionally hurt other people, for no good reason whatsoever. You are very right that not everyone that has been abused or neglected becomes abusive themselves. Realizing that has given me much strength since I came Out of the FOG. It may be that there is evil, but there is also light. Lots of it.

Hugs,
Unda

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IAmATurtle

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2015, 05:46:17 PM »
I watched the video and I loved it.  I feel better so much better now about being no contact with my daughter, whom I love but must "hide from my sight" because of the havoc she causes when she is near.  It is true that while God created us and wants a relationship with us, but he will "go no contact" with those who reject Him.  It helps me to see the correlation between my love for my daughter and my decision to go no contact and God's love for his creation and His decision to go no contact with those who reject Him.  What an amazing insight.  Thanks for sharing.

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ready4peace88

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2015, 10:20:58 PM »
Hi Unda and IAmATurtle,

So glad you both could relate to this video..I really get guarded around some religious people that guilt trip you if talk about leaving/divorcing an abusive marriage..an aunt of mine asked if I was being submissive and praying for his salvation, like it was my fault he was treating me poorly..I know she meant well, in her mind, but I reject this guilt trip..I know our Creator doesn't condone mistreatment of people..man has twisted everything and uses doctrines to control people..I am praying for my eyes to be opened to the truth, not through the filter of man..

IAmATurtle,
I have been nc with my uPD mom for 5 years..I suffered so much emotional pain from her (I was avoided, rejected, lied to, belittled)..and I tried over and over to get her to love me, but I finally had to stop trying..it's helped my pain to heal since having nc with her..I had to detach..last time I saw her, she was so apathetic about seeing me (I hadn't seen her in 4 years)..she ignored me and my kids...and she said some hateful stuff to family behind my back..and my h flipped out on me during the same time frame..I got really sick and my h was not empathetic AT ALL! He cussed about the hotel room being nasty, cussed about my family..Aggravated at me because I was sick, throwing up! No concern for me! It was like a twilight zone feeling..This was a spark to me coming ootf...

Thinking of you both and hugs to you both :) :bighug: :bighug:

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1Brightnight

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2015, 07:56:28 PM »
Wanted to share a youtube video I'm watching..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfQ9OmJyvwY

A thousands thanks for suggesting this video!! It is a must see! I can totally relate. When God Goes No Contact..

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ready4peace88

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2015, 11:48:43 PM »
1Brightnight
I'm so glad this was good for you to watch :) It's hard when there is the widespread teaching that we have to stay in harmful r/s's when our Creator Himself does not do this...He doesn't force His love on any of us but so ready to give if our hearts truly want to have a r/s with Him :) I believe like others have said that we forgive but that doesn't mean we must continue a r/s..It has been so hard to accept this..I have had alot of doubts and guilt about wanting to leave my uNPDh but I must..his heart is so hard and he refuses to truly accept that he has caused major damage and be remorseful about it..I feel sorry for him but I can't change his heart..it is sad..but I have peace from our Father that I must move on..

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1Brightnight

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2015, 01:23:55 AM »
1Brightnight
I'm so glad this was good for you to watch :) It's hard when there is the widespread teaching that we have to stay in harmful r/s's when our Creator Himself does not do this...He doesn't force His love on any of us but so ready to give if our hearts truly want to have a r/s with Him :) I believe like others have said that we forgive but that doesn't mean we must continue a r/s..It has been so hard to accept this..I have had alot of doubts and guilt about wanting to leave my uNPDh but I must..his heart is so hard and he refuses to truly accept that he has caused major damage and be remorseful about it..I feel sorry for him but I can't change his heart..it is sad..but I have peace from our Father that I must move on..

I understand, for this too is my struggle.  If God can't change their hearts by now (12 years in), who am I to think I can? Not that He can't, but have given them over to the "desires of their hearts." I need to listen to the Father! When I take time to stop and look at the times we're living in, I can't help but to wonder...is this not the separation of the wheat from the tares, spoken of in Matthew 13:24-30?  Lord, you've got my attention and I'm listening.  Again, thank you for posting this, that was spot on!

1BN

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BingoLake

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2015, 12:54:19 AM »
What a great video!

When I was with my uPPD husband I prayed a lot.  Asking God to change him, or let me know what to do.  Change never came.  My health mental/physical deteriorated from the abuse.  I was taught not to leave a marriage like some of you were.  Then I realized that why would God want me to stay in a marriage that was causing me harm? When it comes to Christianity I think some people don't realize that reason and faith can work together.  I am a very reasonable woman who is also patient and kind.

I was satisfied that I did everything in my power to save my marriage. When I knew I could do no more that was when I left. Basically my husband made me leave with his uPPD.  I didn't choose to leave. And you know what?  It was the best thing for me. Every time I wanted to work on my marriage or return to my husband things didn't change. I kept being reminded why things couldn't work. I felt that it was God telling me to move on. Every time I tried going against His will, He reminded me why I shouldn't stay. Will God change my husbands heart?  I have no idea.  Maybe it's not my husbands time. I do wish him the best though.

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1Brightnight

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #10 on: September 22, 2015, 01:43:47 AM »
I sent this to video my sister yesterday, who's going through some struggles of her own. Ready4peace, you have no idea how one can be affected by such a token of just passing something on. Paying it forward!  Blessing to you!! Hang in there.

  :bighug:


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ready4peace88

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2015, 09:34:54 AM »
BingoLake,
Yes, I can so relate to what you are saying..I prayed for a very long time for peace in what to do, stay or go? And, I got that peace and asked for a divorce..After a month though, just a few hours before signing the papers, I got emotional and had doubts so I stopped to pause..I went back, but soon found out that it was a mistake..I really wanted to make sure this was really over, that my h really was not going to do anything to change..it was a very sad realization..The last verbal rant h had on me sealed it..He said things you can't easily take back, but he didn't even try to take them back! No apology for saying that I'm not the woman he wants and that he hates me with everything he has..So thankful that these words didn't hurt me this time! I felt a shield of protection covering me completely..it felt I was watching a scene from a bad movie, but I was ok..so thankful..I don't wish him any ill will either, like you said of your h. My h's life is between him and his Maker now..and I feel he could repent and change if he wants to, but I must go..it's clearer than ever..How long have you been out of your r/s? Has it taken awhile to enjoy your new freedom? Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me..it's encouraging.. :)

1Brightnight,
I'm so glad that I was able to share something that is helpful..thank you for letting me know..you know, you got me to digging in scripture about the whole separating the wheat from the tares..I am seeing a lot of shakeups and hearing of them not just on this forum, but around me and on facebook..

Trusting that I am not to blame as my h would like me to believe has helped me wake up to a lot of lies..I am so grateful for Father's love and mercy..He's shown me that I also don't have to believe the lies I've been fed since a child in the mainstream doctrines..These are doctrines made up by man..if we seek the truth about Who our Creator really is, He will show us.. :bighug:

Blessings and peace,
ready4peace88

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BingoLake

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2015, 01:17:12 AM »
I left him 2 or 3 months ago. I sort of can't fully enjoy my freedom yet.  He's harassing me and I'm trying to get the divorce pushed through.  I can't leave the state until the judge says I can.  So I'm hanging out in my condo waiting, trying to stay busy. 

Since he hasn't been around I do feel more freedom though.  I feel better about myself and my baby.  What's really great is I no longer cry everyday. My confidence is coming back.  I do get panic attacks, but I think they're going away.  As soon as i can get back home I'm going to see a therapist.  It's too hard right now with no one to watch my baby.

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ready4peace88

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #13 on: September 23, 2015, 12:13:44 PM »
BingoLake,

From what I've been reading, what you are experiencing is very normal..we get addicted in a way to the chaos and when the PD is gone, there's a void..I'm starting to feel that void too my friend..I know I have to leave him but a part of me still yearns for a miracle to take place in his heart..that he would SEE how much damage he's done and truly repent and want to change! It hasn't happened..I know I have to go..but it still hurts and I feel competing feelings of anger and sadness..then I'm just numb..I'm holding onto hope and I hope you hold on too! What is he doing to harass you? Mine is in the discard phase with me I believe. He's ignoring me for most part..he did want to "talk" yesterday for some reason. I was in no state to have a conversation with him..I was feeling angry and upset at the loss I'm feeling-15 years with a man who I felt never really loved me..it's a big one to swallow..He wants to air things out tonight..I think he wants to make sure everyone sees that he's not a bad person, that he's done all he could to save this marriage. He is delusional, and it's truly unreal to watch someone care so little about what they have done to you..but then, my own mother was so unloving to me, I'm learning that the damage I suffered as a child set me up to be attracted to a NPD..

I pray you find time to nurture yourself BingoLake..maybe when the baby is sleeping, do things that you used to enjoy, even if it's just taking a nap (guilt free one!)..be kind to yourself, you have suffered and have damage, but you are not defeated..Have you read "Codependent No More"? This is a good book and "Why Does He Do That?" is also good..you may have read these..but from learning about codependency, we definitely need to address our issues to heal, and we can..You can :)

Thinking of you,
ready4peace88

A few links I found helpful

http://esteemology.com/ending-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist-the-art-of-detachment/
https://lovelywoundedlady.wordpress.com/tag/narcissistic-abuse/
http://narcissistsupport.com/

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Mariannette

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Re: "When God Goes No Contact"
« Reply #14 on: September 30, 2015, 05:07:56 PM »
Thank you so much for sharing this. I've really been struggling with this concept lately, wondering if I'm in the wrong for wanting my PD in-laws out of my life, but this brought so much clarity. thank you!!