A Break from Reality

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hi8is

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A Break from Reality
« on: September 10, 2015, 03:45:02 AM »
what a hard place to live in for the last 8 years... About 3,000 days of walking around not knowing if life was going to be somewhat normal, great, or absolute and crushing hell. Confusion. Buying into her statements that "I was the problem".

This form is so appropriately named. Even just beginning my journey out of the toxic and abusive and controlling roller coaster of a relationship I shared with my soon to be ex-wife, I feel the fog lifting.

We have an 18 month old son together... Right now he's in my full custody with my BPD having supervised visitations. I had no idea how to even begin telling my story... So that's the beginning. The entire story could be one sad, funny, sick, insightful, convalescing and inspiring movie.

Good God.

I'm too exhausted to get into everything but here are some highlights...

She told me she had an affair while we had been dating. Told me after we got married. Blamed me for it.

Woke up to her rolling around on the floor claiming I was her childhood sexual abuser.

Showering. Getting ready for work. She rips the shower curtain off from the rod and screams at me, "you can't try touching me with your privates!" I hadn't even said good morning to her, let alone touch her in any way.

On our honeymoon. She comes back into the house at 5am. Is upset at me for being worried and fearful. Blames my emotions as signs of insecurity.

Has an affair with a 63 year old man when she is 30 years old.

Asks me on our fourth wedding anniversary if her girl friend can spend the night at our house that evening. I later find out she was having an affair with her. When confronted about this affair, she wrote a list of 19 things I had done to "make her" have this affair. Later, she claims she did so in order to help our marriage.

Grabs our son and locks herself into a bathroom with the lights off. Claims I was screaming at her and she was "protecting him." I call the police and when she hears me calling them, she drives away from the house as fast as she can.

Huddled on the floor in the fetal position. Blanket covering me. Saying over and over again, "just be nice...just be nice". She's yelling at me about nothing related to anything that's happened between us. "Just be nice... Just be nice... Just be nice." Yelling that I'm weak and insane. "Just be nice... Just be nice." I get up and walk down a hall leading to our bedroom. She grabs my shoulder and throws me into a wall, breaking a large picture frame. Glass everywhere on the floor. She falls onto the carpet. I lay on top of her and hold her back from rolling onto the shards of glass. Pick her up. Put her on the bed. She starts beating my face. Scratching me. I'm bleeding. I pick up the glass and leave. When I get back home, it's as if nothing had happened. "Hi honey, did you have a good walk?"

3am. Pain. Ear infection. Can't wait for doctors in the morning. I wake her and tell her I'm going to the ER. When she wakes up later that day, she asks how my day has been. Has no clue that I went to the hospital.

Calls our nanny and tells her to pack our baby's things. Says she's taking him. Nanny brings baby to my work. She gets to our house and claims I stole the baby. Says she's going to call the police and put out an amber alert.

Tells lawyers I had installed cameras all over the house to spy on her. Tells lawyers I've been abusive. Tells lawyers I had stolen our child. Tells lawyers I've never cared for our son. Judge doesn't believe her.

She blames the judge. Blames me. "How dare they bring up my past and use it against me."

Takes $10,000 - draining our checking account. Three weeks later, tells me she needs $3,500. Tells me that it is for our son... Who is with me. Who is 18 months old.

First visitation, brings girl who she's having an affair with.

Gets everyone she knows to hate me.

Thank God I found Stop Walking on Eggshells and Splitting. I'm sure I'll soon say the same thing about this forum. There's so much to this all and even with all the vomit projected out now - the surface is still only scratched.

To growth. To support. To vision. To clarity. To insight. To understanding. To healing. To protection. To a new life and with love,
-hi8is
« Last Edit: September 10, 2015, 04:39:20 AM by hi8is »

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Empty Shell

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Re: A Break from Reality
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2015, 01:37:01 PM »
Hello hi8is and welcome!

Much of what you wrote resonates strongly with me. I was in a 19 year on again, off again r/s with a woman diagnosed as both BPD & NPD; fortunately we weren't married and didn't have any children together.

Buying into her statements that "I was the problem".

Been there, done that.

Woke up to her rolling around on the floor claiming I was her childhood sexual abuser.

My xGF screamed that accusation at me in front of multiple police officers earlier this year. She cheated on me with my (former) best friend of 40+ years and who knows how many other people, considering she was on half a dozen dating/hook up sites while we were supposedly in a committed r/s.

You're not alone, hi8is, you're not alone. The people on this forum really understand what you've been through. We're here to help and support you; I'm so sorry for what you've had to endure.

Please believe me, it's NOT your fault!

If you haven't already, read through the Toolbox, especially the 3Cs rule.

I admire your strength and courage in saving yourself and your son. Keep reading, keep posting, and stay strong. It'll take time to recover and heal but you will!

You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you might find, you get what you need...

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Bloomie

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Re: A Break from Reality
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2015, 03:17:36 PM »
To growth. To support. To vision. To clarity. To insight. To understanding. To healing. To protection. To a new life and with love,
-hi8is

Wow! After reading your intro post - this line brought me to tears! There is great strength and hope in this quote. I am so glad you have made your way here. I am grateful your child is safe and with you and that the powers that be saw the danger to you both. As Empty Shell has said from first hand experience - it will take time to heal and recover, but you will and spending time here really does help.

This is a community of people like none other I have encountered. You will find support and wisdom here because people truly do get it. They can read between the lines of your posts and connect and share from their own experiences and add insight and clarity to this difficult journey. Please do take a look through the resources and info gathered for you at the tabs at the top of the forum and look through the boards and when you are ready join the conversations taking place. We welcome your participation.

I hope you have face to face support as well with family and trusted friends. You have been through a lot and taking good care of yourself is essential and often the last thing on our mind as we are dealing with such immediate, compelling circumstances. Be gentle with yourself as you go forward and know that we are here for you! Again, welcome!!
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

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hi8is

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Re: A Break from Reality
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2015, 03:40:52 PM »
Thanks so much to you both Empty Shell and Bloomie.

I know there is a long road ahead but feel it is an opportunity to address my own issues in healthy ways rather than pervious old deflective patterns of unhealthy affect regulation.

With regard to the topic of support - oh my, do I have a lot in my corner with that:
- 12 step related work with a focused group who's only intention is to guide members through the work. ( I'm currently on step 9 )
- One individual therapist who has known me for almost 15 years
- One individual therapist who used to be my marriage therapist. Her husband has BPD and is who brought my focus to my ex "potentially" having BPD
- Local family and friends
- Attending church weekly

Even with all the support, there are moments where I don't feel able to work. I have had trouble at times in getting going. Some days I go to my office, lay on my couch with a blanket and just distract myself with TV or the cell phone.

Another version of me would just be jumping into a new relationship but that's the last thing on my mind.

This is all so much... but with the weight, I still feel hope and still feel that this is the right and ONLY path.

To Unity,
Cheers...

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kayjewel

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Re: A Break from Reality
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2015, 10:33:40 PM »
Welcome to OOTF, hi8is. I'm glad you've made your way here.

I have a couple of thoughts, to add to what the others already said. First, I think it's a really good sign that other people seem to "get it" that your ex has problems. The judge did not believe her accusations, but instead gave you full custody. The nanny did not let her leave with your child, but instead brought your son to your office.

Even with all the support, there are moments where I don't feel able to work. I have had trouble at times in getting going. Some days I go to my office, lay on my couch with a blanket and just distract myself with TV or the cell phone.

With what you've been through, this is very understandable. Have you read about PTSD and C-PTSD? The latter is a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder that affects many of us who have spent time in abusive, dysfunctional relationships.

For more information, you might check out OOTF's sister site Out of the Storm, which has a message board dedicated to people with C-PTSD:  http://www.c-ptsd.org/
There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung