Akward conversation

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UKdadof2kidsonewife

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Akward conversation
« on: September 24, 2015, 11:15:48 AM »
So today we get called into school.

My boy is having real difficulty in settling down during the quiet periods of the day. We get him home and then try to have a family chat about it. We figure out that he is anxious of the quiet times. Son leaves and discussion continues.

Bpd wife then starts going on about different options/art therapy type stuff (boy is 4.5) and I come up with what has been on my mind for a while, 'we' (mainly her but I am guilty of it as well as frustrations do sometimes boil over) are massively inconsistent in our approach to him, sometimes it is all positive reenforcement and gentle parenting but sometimes it is aggressive and mean. I suggested that I thought this inconsistency was causing a lot of this instability and anxeity and thus we should sort out our home life beofe looking into much else.

Wow, that went down badly. Calm conversation but basically her line was I am trying the best I can and I cannot improve anymore, so if you think that this is not good enough then you need to take the kids somewhere else and go it alone.

I couldn't come up with a response as I am not going to condone the negative behaviour.

She left to do errands and I have taken the kids to soft play.

Shit

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Ohboy77

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Re: Akward conversation
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2015, 12:05:50 PM »
Look at the bright side, you had a calm conversation!
I don't know what people expect from young children especially boys. They have huge amounts of raw energy. I would take the opertunity (if u haven't) to share some of your interests or find new ones with him, I exposed my daughter to a whole bunch of stuff like music (even if it's the mainstream or not and only the legitimate artistic artists) drawing painting sports and it was a good excuse as my xunNPDw sucks at all of those things...
Hope that helps a bit :)
Take what I say with a grain of salt, I'm pretty sure I'm Nutz! But I'm feeling much better now ;)

Revenge is for the weak. Forgiveness is for the strong. Forgetting is for the stupid.

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Stepping lightly

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Re: Akward conversation
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2015, 03:11:58 PM »
Just a thought- but if his mom is BPD, is it such a bad idea to get him into therapy?  It was about the same age that my DSS started showing symptoms of having a N/BPD mother (anxiety, extreme crying meltdowns where he'd just hang onto me or DH).  His mom refused to allow DH to put him in therapy eventhough recent events that had transpired proved he really needed it.  It was eventually court ordered.  I guess in my experience, kids with a PD parent are going to need help sorting out some of the chaos, so it can't hurt to start them early and hvae them building trust with a therapist.

I know you don't want to validate her behavior, but a good therapist will probably sit you both down and talk about any necessary parenting changes, if any need to occur based on your sons sessions.  You might get a professional to back you.

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emca

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Re: Akward conversation
« Reply #3 on: September 25, 2015, 06:58:12 AM »
I agree with the last bit of the last post BUT art therapy? the child is 4 and a half...

My ex had my kid getting all sorts of therapy non-sense because of HER perception that he had behaviour issues. NOPE he doesn't have behaviour problems. HE IS A BOY. He likes to play in the dirt, he likes to throw things and wrestle he doesn't draw between the lines and no he isn't neat. He is a boy...

In my case the person who needed therapy was the ex. But she had each of the kids being seen by all sorts of specialists for all sorts of reasons. She had them all on different diets at times too. Goats milk one week, soya milk the next.... None of the therapists worked and neither did any of the diets.
 WHY?
 because the therapists my kids were seeing and the diets she had them on were not cures for HER BPD...

So as far as your son goes I reckon kids need consistency. Part of the problem with a BPD parent is they cant agree with themselves about what the rules are so how is any other person gonna get an agreement with them... Tough for adults to deal with, even tougher for a kid.

So my thinking is just try to be consistent with your son so he has some experience of consistency....

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solidground

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Re: Akward conversation
« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2015, 02:01:17 AM »
Hi there UK Dad,

Living with a BPD person is tough, and can cloud your thoughts.  Great to hear she has been diagnosed and is accepting treatment though.

Here are my suggestions for aspects where you maybe could get things clearer in your own head...


First - your other half has a serious mental problem that will make it hard for her to always be a good parent.  It's great that you are trying to engage with her to work as a team.  But YOU need to step up and be the pillar of strength and stability your children need.  Accept this reality.  I speak from my own experience having 50/50 custody with uBPD ex-wife.  (Actually she has on the whole been a good mum - but I always tried to be prepared for the worst.)  Also think about arrangements to get support from your relatives.  You need to give your kids the best start in life you can - especially as their mum has this problem.

It takes more than medication to deal with BPD - she should be in some sort of counselling therapy if not already.  Maybe you should consider family therapy.

Good for you for resisting temptation to score points when you are right - unhelpful as you say.

I agree you don't want to get "fixated" on thinking normal boy behaviour is abnormal.  BUT you must not bury your head in the sand either.

 4.5 yrs is older than normal tantrums period of terrible twos/threes.   Also the word "severe" says this is NOT normal.  It is beyond being  "a little sensitive".   "kids just lose their shit sometimes" also sounds like a cop-out.  Schools have tons of experience of what is normal and what is not.  They called you in to discuss the situation because it is NOT normal.  Stop pretending things are ok - deal with the problem.  "The System" exists to help children with problems.  Use it.

BPD = "a little unpredictable".  I don't think you will find anyone on this forum who would agree with that understatement!  BPD wrecks lives.  Stop pretending it's no big deal. 

What language is your son using???

WHAT is your son actually anxious about in the quiet times?  You only got half way to finding out what is troubling him.

I admire your honesty that you are not as consistent as you should be.  Like I said, you have to be the pillar of strength.  So start working on yourself to learn to manage frustration better.  (Do you "lose your shit sometimes" too?  Is this why you think it is ok for him to?)

"I am trying the best I can and I cannot improve anymore, so if you think that this is not good enough then you need to take the kids somewhere else and go it alone."  Sounds like a pretty typical BPD reaction.  You were making a constructive suggestion, but she experienced it as an attack.  Don't take it personally. 

"I couldn't come up with a response as I am not going to condone the negative behaviour."  I don't quite understand this.  Why would a response be condoning her behaviour??  There are some pretty good books about how to understand and live with a BPD person.  Stop Walking On Eggshells has some good advice.  Do you understand that they lash out like that when they feel threatened?  A good response would be something like "I know this is scary for you,  but remember I love you and we will work on this together even if we sometimes make mistakes."

I hope this feedback helps.

SG